I had a good day today! It's so rare for me to have good days, lately.



I miss last Christmas a lot, but this Christmas will be OK.

If anyone reads this,
I'm sorry that it's been so depressing lately (and always).


A lot of stuff just keeps getting thrown at me.
I'm trying not to be sick anymore, but sometimes she grips me with razor claws, iron fists. She makes my throat bleed, my head spin. And it's disgusting, I know. But in times of troubles, she's all I have to run to.


I'm sorry that I can't let go of the past. The worst happened, I lost a lover and a friend. And they're not even sorry. They were never sorry. I'm expected to shut up, get in line, play along. It's really not fair. Why is the guilty party always innocent, and why am I always guilty?

I would NEVER do something like that, ever.

I feel horribly dirty right now. I'm so full of everything that I hate, everything that I live to get away from. I need freedom from my desire, freedom from myself.


I will not remain trapped in this body for much longer. Soon it will be gone, soon my skin will be shed. I will be reborn.



Passion is a tricky word,
Rather crude, mostly absurd.
Attributed to devotion to a spirit filled with rage,
Rattling you around like a beast in a cage.

He took my soul,
But most importantly my body.
And as it unfolds,
the wound grows from where he shot me.

My friends, my family, my love bleeds away
I am air, I am mass, I am wasted space.

Writing a tidbit, and then I'm off.


I'm trying to come out of my antisocial tendencies. I know that these blogs are very self concerned, but I apologize--this is like a diary to me. Now that I've changed the URL of my blog, no one really knows about it, so the word diary is very fitting. This is my time to reflect.


I am yet again trying to lose weight--I'm trying to stay positive. I'm giving my body a period of rest and following the nutritionist's advice to eat a "balanced 1800 calories" everyday. I even have little charts that I get to check off to make sure I'm getting the right amounts of everything (protein, grains, etc.). I'm not really counting calories, just going by my chart. Some days I eat a little bit more, some days I eat a little bit less, but it's whatever.

I've also been working out 1-2 hours everyday (give or take a few days). The past couple of days, I've burned about 1000 calories at the gym each time. I'm doing a lot of cardio, which is good for the heart, and I hope that it's making some kind of impact of my metabolism because the hypothyroidism is making is sluggishly slow.


A lot of have stuff has gone on in the past week or so, a lot of drama, a lot of stress. I've been seeing a counselor at school along with a medical doctor, and they think that I'm clinically depressed. I've had two or three panic attacks in the past week (due to stress of exams, stress of coming home, stress over intake/outtake, relationship stress), and I really hope that seeing old friends and relaxing at home will help. I've been sleeping until 11:30 everyday, and it feels really weird. I'm going to hate going back to school and waking up at 8 every morning. I think I'm going to start working out in the mornings and taking my showers at the gym because the showers there are a heck of a lot cleaner than the one's in my dorm. Funny, huh?


Oh, and speaking of school--I got a 3.8 GPA! I didn't make anything lower than a B+, and I hope to do a lot better next semester. I am getting sort of confident about my position in nursing school!..!..! I really need to study my butt off next semester, though because I seriously NEVER studied this semester, haha. Thank God I managed to pull off a 3.8--I made Chancellor's List!



But yeah, see you later blog.

I can't.


Anymore.

OK, I would like to know.. how is this relaxing? How is any moment in life relaxing when I can feel every calorie that I put into my stomach making it expand. I can feel it all, the mass of failure, draping itself across my body, layer upon layer.

Twenty fucking pounds on me goddamnittttt. Thirty fucking pounds of me godddamnniittt.. and I can't sleep. I'm tired as hell, but I can never drift off because I feel these numbers and I need things and I ask for them but I am denied, denied, denied. Goddddddddddddddddddddd. Do this, do that, fuck you, fuck that. You're not worthy of love, you're not worthy of anythingggg. Just go to fucking sleep and never wake up, you cold bitch.

Ugh, I wish that I could express these sentiments more accurately. I'm just screaming with my fingers onto this horribly lit screen, not forming actual words or thoughts. I'm being raw.

I guess it would be more accurate to say that I feel that I am not appreciated. I guess that I have no reason to truly be appreciated. I don't do an awful lot, and I also don't appreciate others as I should. So I suppose that I have brought all of these feelings onto myself. I wish I could just make them disappear, I wish that I didn't feel the need to be 'accepted' as it lay in conflict with my desire to rebel and act selfishly.


I am such a selfish bitch. I am so self-centered, so self-concerned.

I have this guilt building inside of me, but when I look at it exclusively, it's not really guilt at all. It's what I wanted, it's what I want, I guess I want it all. I want the pain and the pleasure, the swelling of my chest, the sting of metal against my wrists. I want the taste in my mouth, the acid in my throat, I want everything.

I hurt you, and you don't even know it yet. You don't even know the half of it.

I'm drifting like woah, it's the feeling of being weightless when I am, in actuality, being weighed down. This happy phase was just a thin coat of paint. Now, I am stripped, I am raw, I am nothing. And it's so easy. It's so easy to sink into this and to make excuses.. but at the same time it's hard. It's hard to live in this constant sadness, this perpetual sorrow that springs forth in my life for no particular reason. I have control over nothing. My numbers are steadily increasing in every way possible. And I can't make them lower, I can't make them stable. I can't make myself into nothing because I don't even have control over it anymore.

250.. 275.. 1000.

140.. 139.. 100.

phone calls aren't doing much

I'm gone.

You won't be hear a word from me from now on.

I'm tired of being this pathetic, I'm so tired of it. I don't need anyone or anything. I want to live off of air in the middle of the dark. I hate the way things are.

Alright, plain and simple, with no sense of style. No literary devices. Only plain, boring, straight-forward diction.


School is OK. I'm not doing my best. I made straight-A's in high school, and yes, I will talk about it forever because it is, sadly, one of my only accomplishments. I'm pretty sure that I'm making straight-B's here. I mean, I know that I have an 83 in Biology and an 88 in chemistry. I have a 93ish in biology lab, I think, and I guess that that will average in with the 83 and make it a bit higher. I have a 95 in chemistry lab, which is a separate grade. I have a couple of other classes, but I don't even want to think about them. They're pointless. I think I have A's in them? I have a paper due in one of them that I really need to get started on. I think it's due Monday and if so, I'm screwed. I also have an art project due, and I'm really killing myself with this stuff, I guess. Godddd.

My relationships are screwed, I think. I don't know how to do anything right.

Me weight is also screwed. I've gained so much. I lost a lot the first couple of weeks because I was uncomfortable with eating stuff here, so I ate less. But now I am WAYTOOCOMFORTABLE, so I am eating a TON, and I have gained all the weight back plus some. I'm trying to work out everyday and count calories again, but I'm failing. I managed yesterday, somehow, but it was the first time in a while.

I'm going to be late. I hate time.

OK, editeditedit.

I'm editing, and I don't even have much to say. I'm probably just doing this for the love of typing, free writing.

It's easier to write about things than to accomplish them.

I can't exert control over myself in this place and in this state.
I'm sick to my stomach, but I'm still wanting. I want, I want, I destroy.

honesty.

i just made myself so sick that it hurts to breathe. my muscles are cramping, and my throat is burning. i hate being at home. i hate being at home. i can't control these stupid urges.

and now my body is going to grab onto all the water that it can, and i'm going to get even fatter. i'm going to break out with acne and hate myself even more.

i want water and water and water and americano and water and cold liquid down my throat and espresso in my veins. i want to dance and spin until i see stars and black and then fog and i'm gone. yeah, so long. nice knowing you.

man, i don't even have a style anymore. i don't fit into a category, i don't have an identity. and maybe i fit into the group that likes it like that. but who knows? i am shamefully self-aware.

shamefully, not shamelessly, mind you.

don't walk away

Yeah, in my dream I was an eternal Cinderella, but you still left. I'm not even good enough to have a prince that stays.


Why can't you love me like you say you do? Why can't I move on?

I'm sleeping in a bed that is not mine, and I'm waking up to breathing that is not yours. Voices at night are pleading with me to give in, to give myself away to someone that I hardly even know. "Love is just an idea that people carry with them, it's not as big of a deal as people say it is. At least say that you could love me sometime, and that's enough. I promise, it's enough." But it's not enough. I know it's not enough. It's not hard for me to love someone, but it's hard for me to trust them enough to accept that they love me. And it's hard for me to utter the three terrible words that so often get misused. I can't even say it to my parents, I can hardly say it to you. And you're all that I see when there are kisses on my neck, body heat laying next to me.

I want this to hurt you, although it will probably only make you care less.

you're under my skin

Wow, you're not even trying.

I am such an idiot for letting your apathy tear me apart this way.

Youwillnotcomearound.
Youwillnotcomearound.
Youwillnotcomearound.


I need to get that idea to stick with me. I need to repeat it over and over again, I need to take it in like a virus, so I can get used to the sting and it can become a permanent mark in me. I need to become immune.

all that i do

11 AM, pages for you.

I keep turning the pages, and the story is never over. I think that we're getting to the end, the blank pages that the publishing companies stick in for symmetry, but the lines keep flowing, the words never end. We are poetry, we are prose, we are art, we are passion. And it's hard to believe that you're cutting it off. It's like ending a story before you even get to the climax. You know how in that movie Elf, Buddy's dad worked for a publishing company and realized that he'd never make his deadline, so he ended up printing a children's book that was missing 5 pages of the story? This is what you're doing. Only, you're not taking away five pathetic pages, you're taking away years. Years that we could be, years that we could try, years that we could make something happen because I know you, I know that you love me, I know that we could do it. And it hurts. It hurts to know that we have this love, this connection, this knowledge of each other and how we interact and love each other in the most amazing way, and to know that it's going to waste. And you're wiping the slate clean with this one. You're telling me that you want me to go, that you want me to seek others, and to stray away, far away from you. You're telling me that you want me to start over completely. It's like our story was being typed up on a computer and then the hard drive crashed, erasing everything, every bit of imagery, every precious metaphor. I can hardly stand to even speak of such things because I love you so much that it doesn't make sense, this doesn't make sense. I can't believe this is happening, and I can't believe that you're letting it.

the end.

You Don't See Me

I was in your bed, and I was invisible. I was holding your hand, but you didn't feel a thing. I knew that we would have one night before the end of us, but I didn't expect it to be this way. You kissed my mouth and touched my face with your right hand as you were using the left to hold open the door because you forgot your key. You told me that I'd be OK, but I believe that it is absolutely pathetic that I'm the one who has to be informed of my own condition. Of course I'll be OK in time, but will you? And why? Why do I have to be the one that might not be OK? Why do I have to live with lies in my head, rolling off of my tongue? These words, they don't even make sense, but neither does this incredible, ridiculous love that probably never even existed. Nonetheless, you have stolen my heart and watched it evaporate into nothing. Now I'm choking back tears that I can't let come because I've run out of shoulders to cry on.

I hope you have a good life without me, I hope you have the greatest life. I hope you fall in love so hard that you can't see, and I hope that the love is requited. Depsite how much you've hurt me, I want the best for you. I know that I've hurt you too, and for a small amount of time, you held onto that sadness and loved me regardless. You deserve someone so much better. You deserve someone with patiene and acceptance who will love you despite all of your flaws. You deserve someone who will never hurt you, cheat on you, lie to you. You deserve the world, baby, and I'm sorry that I couldn't give it to you. Have a good life, have the greatest life, don't forget me, please... I love you.

Life

I fail.

I get carried away with every day and every fantasy. The deeper the wound, the harder I swoon, and wish that that was me. So much to say, but no words to convey, the loneliness building with each passing day, but I'm getting used to it. You just have to live with it.

I'm moving in one thousand circles at once

say the word

In my Nursing 110 class, we basically learn about nothing, and it's pretty nice. Today, however, we were given a lecture on stress management. In the later parts of the lecture, the representative from the counseling center demonstrated relaxation techniques. She had us close our eyes and think of a place where we felt safe, like nothing could touch us. She said that it could be home or the beach or anything. I thought over all of my options. I don't really feel safe at home, I never have. I don't really feel safe in much of anywhere. The only thing that came to mind was you, your gentle face, your black curls. I thought about our beach trip together and all of the times we sat and talked on your couch, your head in my lap, my hands in your hair. I saw you making me French onion soup and shrimp fettuccine in your kitchen, the lights down low. I know we've been through a lot in the past couple of weeks, but you are like home to me. You are my safe place, and I don't want you to go. I've never loved someone so much in such a short amount of time...

Yeah, I'm sure it's godly to exile people for making a few mistakes. Sometimes when your head spins and your heart is breaking, you can't even tell what's going on around you. The world is dark and your body is numb and the edges are blurring. It's a stream of consciousness type of thing. F. Scott Fitzgerald couldn't have described it better. I'd like to picture God as this symbol of love, looking out for me. If I didn't have Him, I could have gotten hurt. He's not a club that you join that makes you better than anyone else. He's love, plain and simple. And yeah, I don't mirror His love very well, but you've got to ask yourself.. do you? I didn't even try to hurt you, and you're kicking dirt in my face. You're always kicking dirt in my face, and I love you, but you hurt me so much. I've done my fair share of hurting too, and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry if I tend to think that I'm always right because I'm not. I just love you. You've been there, you're amazing, I love you. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way about me. I'm sorry if I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore.


And baby, I love you too, and I'm sorry for hurting you. I don't need you in my life, but I'd really like to have you there. I know that I do silly things, I know that they take a toll on you, but I love you. I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. I want you to be so happy that it makes you cry. And me, just don't worry. It's not important.

I feel like I am judged, beyond how God judges me, I feel that I am judged by His people.

I really am tired of people who look down on others because a couple of wrong decisions that they've made. Those who judge are inexperienced and do not understand. They weren't there at the scene of the "crime". The didn't experience the feelings, there is no way for them to comprehend anything, yet they judge. And they think they're better. It's sick.

You try feeling what I feel, and you'd do the exact same thing, I guarantee it.

no tengo palabras

"Now I'm destined to start over, now I'm destined to start a new because I put everything in you, I had everything in you." [stay for a lifetime]

"Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you. Because all that's left is gone away and there's nothing left for you to prove." [look what you've done]

"And the world's got me dizzy again. You think after eighteen years, I'd be used to the spin. But it only gets worse when I stay in one place so I'm always pacing around or walking away. I keep drinking the ink from my pen, and I'm balancing history books up on my head. But it all boils down to one quotable phrase: if you love something, give it away." [landlocked blues]

"For diamonds do appear to be much like broken glass to me. . . I missed your skin when you were east, you clicked your heels and wished for me. . . I know that world's a broken bone, but bend your headaches, call it home." [northern downpour]

"If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep then I'm putting out the lantern find your own way back home." [folkin' around]

"You're floating above my head. There are words carved in my chest, and they said... 'Could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies? You know what I mean, you know what I mean.'" [your evil soul]

"I would like to thank you, for showing me a part of myself that I have never seen. Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun, and I guess these things just tend to fall apart. And I hope you feel the same" [3685]

You ended my story, you ruined my picture, and now I don't know where to go. We were laying in the flowers with the sun on our faces, but now I'm in a permanent winter, and every individual molecule of the ice against stings like a tetanus shot. And the cold is seeping through my skin, injecting itself into my veins, pulsing through my body, and once it reaches my heart, my heart, my heart... I can't even express myself well enough. I have this vision, and I can't put it into words. There's a hole in my chest, and everything that tries to fill me just falls through or is pushed back out. I'm making myself sick. Every chance I get, I am making myself sick. And now I'm finding new vices.

And I love you. And you love me. And I'm sorry that I'm hurting myself. But I don't know what else to do.

hello hydrochloric acid, hello ethanol, hello nicotine. i hate loveyou. you make me die live.

Goodnight and Good Luck

I'm going to play it off as a natural occurence. You're just a tornado, another wreck in the yard, another wreck in my heart. And you, you can just play it off like it's bad luck and badmouth me in the future. I've been through this routine, and I'm the common factor.

I'm so sick of being sick of you, but I'm dying for something new like you

You'll be up late tonight tonight, taking me for granted plastered and worthless.
Another silent moment with your breath upon my neck
means another night together with the boy you'd hate to wreck.
Perfect smiles and perfect hands that fit a perfect way make images that flood my veins.
Just so you know I'll be down and out, like a half hearted romance meant to last.
You'll be up late tonight tonight taking me for granted plastered
and worthless, with the boys that don't know your name.
You're taking me for granted, you're taking me for granted.
Make a wish make a wish lets make this happen.
Re-runs never looked so good.
Perfect smiles and perfect hands that fit a perfect way make images that flood my veins.
Just so you know, I'll be down and out, like a half hearted romance meant to last.
You'll be up late tonight tonight, taking me for granted plastered
and worthless with the boys that don't know your name.
You're taking me for granted, your taking me for granted.
The only thing in focus is the way my heart tends to race, falling the only option left for me to take.
You'll be up late tonight tonight taking me for granted. your taking me for granted.

-Four Letter Lie, You'll Never Find Better

My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, to wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer.

Say Anything

I've got this lump in my throat, and I need to get this pressure off of my chest. Everything about you is making me so sick, so sick. I remember when being with you was like laying down in a bed of flowers with the sun kissing my skin. Everything was warm and beautiful; nothing hurt. I can honestly say that I love you right now because I'm looking out for what's best for you. I'm leaving you alone, giving you space. I'm giving up the sun and putting on a sweater. I'm watching the flowers wither because there'll always be more flowers, right? I'm giving this up so you can have room to live. I'm giving this up so you can have time to do the things that matter to you. Is it terrible of me to want a little bit back? Is it terrible of me to want to see a picture of the sun, to briefly smell the fragrance of the spring flowers? I'm doing this for you, I'm being what you wanted me to be, but I'm coming up short, I'm coming up empty. Can you give back? You'll just say that you're trying, and I want to believe you, but I can't. The first couple of weeks that we were together I told you that I didn't want to picture a time where I would have to be without you, and yes, that is still true. Despite how much you are hurting me, I care for you, I want to be happy with you. But right now, we are a thousands worlds away. Your voice used to be like a thousand beautiful songs all at once, but now you are nothing but a trailing monologue, listless and bored. I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm sorry for ruining you. It's all I ever do.. destroy people, drive them away. I thought this would be different, but I suppose it's not. Forgive me for being such a failure. Forgive me for being such an incompetent piece of garbage, a whining mosquito in your ear.

Please tell me that I'm wrong, please tell me that we can make this work, please tell me that you care about me, that you love me. Say anything.

[all of these quotes are not mine]

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.
-Little Manhattan



At times, I do miss being your girlfriend. The one you looked forward to seeing every day. The one who lit up your world. The only reason for your happiness. But right now, more than anything, I just miss being in your life. It's been weeks since we've talked, even though I pass you every single day. Soon it will turn to months. I wish things didn't end the way they did. I really miss you. Not entirely to the point where I want to be with you again. But enough to make my heart ache.. when I think if the happiness that was brought to me every time you were around me. And I wonder, do you ever think the same?

"When I awoke this morning, you were still asleep. As I awoke I heard you gentle breathing. I saw your closed eyes beneath wisps of stray hair and I was deeply moved. I wanted to cry out, to wake you, but you slept so deeply, so soundly. In the half light your skin glowed with life so warm and sweet. I wanted to kiss it, but I was afraid of you awake in my arms again. Instead, I wanted something no one could take from me; mine alone ... this eternal image of you. Beyond your face I saw a pure, beautiful vision showing us in the perspective of my whole life... all the years to come, even all the years past. This was the most miraculous thing: to feel, for the first time, that you had always been mine. That this night would go on for ever, united with your warmth, your will. At that moment I realized, how much I loved you ... I wept with the intensity of the emotion. For I felt that this must never end, we would remain like this for all our lives, not only close, but belonging to each other in a way that nothing could ever destroy, except the apathy of habit, the only threat. Then you wakened and, smiling, put your arms around me, kissed me and I felt that there was nothing to fear. We would always be as we were in that moment, bound by stronger ties than time and habit."
-La Notte, 1961


this is me.

OK, so how do you make me so happy despite all of the pain that you have caused me over the past five years of my life? I mean, it's not like you've been present in these past five years, but you were a part of them, you'll always be a part of me. You were my first kiss, my first love, and nothing will ever change that. I just hate the fact that although we ended in such a bad way, I forgive you and will forgive you again if you do decide to hurt me a millionth time.

I am happy when I am doing things that I have never done before.
I am happy when I am doing things that I probably shouldn't do.

I am happy when you are happy, but you're never really happy anymore.
I am happy, I am happy, I am happy, where are you?

We were young and dumb, but it still was fun..

It's like the Notebook. We pick up right where we left off. It can happen, it can. Soon my heart will be fully shaken of this false theory. This is going to be messy. This is going to be so messy.

I remember when I used to think in color. With you, there was so much color and expression and every action carried through was in a pursuit to enhance the richness of each hue and to mix them together, creating brilliance.

I think I know what I need. I just can't put it into the proper words. I need someone who will save me from myself.. someone who will understand and support me. Because romances like the movies do exist. I need to stop settling for crying myself to sleep.

"I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Sayin' let me walk away, please
You'll be free child once you have died
from the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
till then walk away walk away walk away walk away
So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to"

I haven't acted like myself for a whole week.

Fix You

Oh, no, she is so.. so.. oh so vicious, as eye contact is shattered by the cracks in her melting heart. His eyes were enchanting. They were soft, warm, safe.. wait! Safe? In the eyes of a 'lover'? There is so such thing as safe in a romance so unexpected, so unplanned.. there is no such thing as safe at all.. is there? These cracks in her heart come from wear and tear. The constant solidity and low temperature were built as a defense mechanism, protecting the precious materials that lay within after they were in underabundance so many times. So when 'love' comes around, she melts (slowly, but surely). Because of the cracks, she leaks, she is spilled. The effects of the spill over the rest of her body is pain, sharp pain--in order to cope with this unnecessary (and unexplained to the unaware) pain, she must grit her teeth and move on, changing her personality, becoming someone she is not. She aches too badly to carry on normally. This then becomes the root of all of her problems. She becomes suspicious and cynical, doubting everything about him that she once saw as a sure, beautiful thing. She holds onto him with such a grip that he, too, cries out in pain. He has to get away from this indifferent monster, but he still wants to find the girl he had known before. What is he to do, but flee? There are many other girls, of course. The one he fell in love with can't possibly be that much different from another.





Isolation becomes the solution. In solitude, she may again grow cold. This is no way to live because frostbite is deathly and all of the exposure to ice will eventually be the end of her. What she needs is someone who will research the problem, someone who will open her up, find the cracks, and spend months and years trying to sew them up, even if she continues to bleed out. With persevearance and hard work, he will find the solution. Her body and it's self mechanisms will calm down, she will be at ease, she will be free.



And then, only then, will she trust again.




When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Galaxies Collide

This is the Milky Way Galaxy. This is where we live. I can't even begin to imagine a sight more incredible than this.

I've never been the type of girl that goes for a ton of glitter, but home is topping the biggest bedazzled divas one hundred million times over--probably more. This is the kind of shimmer that I love, the kind that I want to capture in necklaces and eye shadows and the eyes of pretty boys. This is the sparkle that I am dying to recreate or rediscover in a way that allows me to hold it close to my eyes and closer to my heart.

Every flash of light is a lost love story, a sun or a planet that may lay unexplored. Although value may remain a mystery, each entity is displayed as a fine, pure jewel against the beautiful black velvet canvas.

However far off it is, I'm imagining luxe dinner parties with women in enchanting diamonds and perfectly-hung velveteen dresses. Attire is mostly classy and black, although there is the occasional guest who is so bold to where and earthy green or a deep purple. The diamonds are mostly white, carved, and polished up to perfection by an expensive jeweler with a careful high, though the rare and wild colored jewels pop up in unexpected places. The small, careful blonde in the corner wears a pink diamond in her barrette. Though she wishes to hide behind her silky, cornflower curls, the uncommon gem shines brightly, revealing and complementing her flushed cheeks. The man with the grey diamonds in his watch and the green diamonds in his eyes takes notice.


My heart is a star for you to ignite. I'm ready to be the one that burns for you tonight. So bring me to life just like the stars that shine when galaxies collide. Love is a destination few ever find, but I'm watching our constellations start to combine. Counting down for an impact staring at the sky above, I've had enough of this distance so far from your love.

Four Strong Winds [edit]

Cherry blossoms are by far one of my favorite things to look at. They are naturally one of the daintiest colors and they are so fragile as the wind chases them off of the trees. They make me think of ballet, the pointed, pink satin shoes thrusting from the floor in a powerful movement, but floating through the air in a seemingly effortless manner. I can see balance, poise, and a thousand beauties in one instant. And I am jealous, yet still enthralled. Please tell me that I'm beautiful, too? Sometimes I long to be swept up into the breeze as a dancer and a flower, singing with my shifts in stance, harmonizing with nature's ballerinas as we made our way across the skyline.

Liberation, beauty, peace--I am all of these, you are all of these, we are all of these as we go through each day, living for someone, giving our heart's away to each waking moment. We are where we are because it is where we are supposed to be. The breeze stops, the petals fall, and they are lifted by a stranger who has forgotten beauty. And you are what makes him remember.

Grey light, new day leaks through the window

It is night, and the clouds lie grey against the blackest black of the sky. A breeze passes, pushing the foggy blanket aside to reveal the most precious diamonds, lost suns to galaxies unknown.

I want to sleep outside next to you. I want to share everything that it beautiful with you. Because I can see beautiful things too. Even though grey is one of my favorite colors, it is because it is calm, passive, soothing. Like the night sky, it can amaze me and put me to sleep all at the same time. But I can see in color too. I can see purple flowers blossoming in the neighbor's garden, I can see cherry blossoms blowing off of their branches, dancing in the wind. Sunsets, sunrises, a mother and her child.

Sometimes beauty makes me want to cry in the best way imaginable because I'm so filled with joy that I don't know how to express it.

I trust you now. And that alone, is beautiful.

Oh, stop crying like that love
Don't wash away that smile
I can kiss away a tear but not a flood

Smash all your mirrors
I swear, love, they lie
Could you see what I see
If your eyes were mine?

Next time you need me
Click your heels to be in my arms
There's no place like home
There's no place like home

Smash all your mirrors
I promise you, they lie
Could you see what I see
If your eyes were mine?

If your eyes were mine...

---

The dude sucks live, but I accidentally had this on repeat on my way home. Hm.

Oh, how I need You. Without You, I cannot love. Without You, I cannot feel anything.

Gee, don't I suck? I always have to jump out of your hands like a rebellious little child. I jump into a sea of actions, emotions, and words. I pick them up, put them down, and trip over everything. I can't even speak without You.

Why does it seem like I'm so much more crippled than anyone else on the planet?

Myrtle Beach

So many memories come from Myrtle Beach. I never realized how much had happened here until I spent the day alone, going over everything (in a sentimental way, of course). When enough time passes, every experience gains some sort of sentimental value. Even though tears have drowned and choked off these memories, they have also baptized them, giving them new life, a new meaning.

The first time I ever came to Myrtle Beach, I was in the eighth grade. It was spring break, I was in a pointless relationship with a boy I only saw at school, and I was in the beginning stages of anorexia. I loved that I was living, I just didn't love the life I lived. I was sad, I was hopeless, I was scared. Spring break had just begun. It was nighttime, and my dad came into the main room and told the whole family to pack our bags, we were leaving, it was a surprise. It was exciting. I had no idea where we were going, but the concept of an "escape" was magical to me. I slept in the car until we arrived at the Marriott. We were in Myrtle Beach, somewhere I had never been before. I spent the week laying out in the sun and resting my poor, tired body. I didn't eat anything, but the rest was enough to keep me going a little bit longer. I didn't tell anyone where I had gone. I was just.. gone. And I loved the concept of disappearing.

I came back to Myrtle the summer after the 10th grade. At this point, I was deep in a relationship that has broken me far more than I have ever been broken, will ever be broken in my entirety. I swear to never let myself be so close to such a cruel person ever, ever, ever again in my whole life. My friends were with me this time. I had people who knew me, people who loved me, and I had him, my love, my sunshine, my nothing. He would call me every so often and scold me, questioning my every move, my every gesture. If I didn't pick up the phone I was, of course, cheating on him because when a normal person doesn't answer the phone what else could they be doing? Besides, I was a whore anyway. I was complete trash. I was an ugly, disgusting, slutty mess, and I was hated. At least that's what he told me on the balcony of my room while my mom was making dinner. I remember the way my tears stuck to the faux-leather of the booth seating in the kitchen area. I remember the hands on my back, the precious murmurs trying to save my life. And the pain, the knives in my heart, the blood behind my eyes. Every second, I burst into tears. Every store I went into, I had to walk straight out because I was unworthy, I was trash, I was nothing. All of that week, he tried to win me back with love songs and excuses, and he would of, if it hadn't been for the support system that was behind me.

I came back again, the summer after 11th grade. I was with my best friend, and I was in love.. again. This time, it was good. It was meant to happen. I had God's approval and the world's approval. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time on the balcony, and then my best friend would come out and we'd sing to the moon. We talked about everything: boys, God, friends, the future. We spent the week trying to harmonize to Jason Mraz songs, and we danced to Ludo in the kitchen. I ran every morning on the beach. It was a beautiful summer.

And my senior year, I have been to Myrtle Beach three times. The first time, I was getting over the boy from the last summer. I was killing all of my friendships with harsh remarks, and I was avoiding blue eyes that tried to convince me that this way was better. It wasn't peaceful. I could never look him in the eye. But he made me laugh, he kept me company. I have so many memories from the three days that I spent here.

The second time, it was better. I had less to care about, less to be angry about. I could look into brown eyes and tell the truth. I could fall asleep and not worry about what I would feel in the morning.

And here I am again, and I'm so tired...

And I'm writing a pointless blog. The end.











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ayayayayayayy

So, there are so many colors in my life right now.

But I'm losing all of the best one's.. all of my friends, I can no longer relate to because I've isolated myself in the grey for so long. They're all purple and green and passionate, but I'm just grey and chilled out.. but in a bummer way, so it's like, how do you surge a black and white picture with a full color one? It's like one of those wacked up photoshop jobs that usually turn out to be extremely beautiful, but the color is always the life of the picture. Does that mean that the grey is the death? What? I'm death now? Seriously. Hah, my writing style has become ridiculous. It's almost like I'm having a conversation with myself, but oh well, I'm tired of organized style, planned out letters, perfect grammar. I could never be a ballet dancer.

I want to write a book. I'm going to start write now. It'll be short. I have ADD.


I love that I've been through so much in my life. It's awesome. I've hurt a lot, but I have a lot to talk about now.

OK, so, I'm standing in the middle of this huge field, right? I think it's a wheat field, but I'm not really sure what a wheat field looks like, but it doesn't really matter. A more obvious kind of field would be a corn field or something similar where the end product actually resembles the beginning. That'd be too easy, though. So, anyway, I'm standing in the field and there are all these mountains surrounding me. If I ran the length of the field in any direction, I'd hit a mountain and have to start climbing. The only way out is to overcome my lazy, hopelessness and start hiking. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hopelessness? Really? I mean, hopeless on the outside and hopeless on the inside are two completely different things. One can seem like they are hopeless and one can say that they are hopeless, but that's not necessarily what they believe. In some cases, the assumed hopeless are actually hopelessly confident, they are sure of their success, they are hopeful. But then they're knocked on their feet when things go awry, they're drowned when the sky spits out rain. What is success? How do you spell it, breathe it, see it..? How do you accomplish anything? When I was young, I used to define success in relationships. I guess that was a good way to sum it up. Because now they aren't enough. I am lacking.

I'm so done with this. I need to freaking pursue dreams, but I'm not doing anyfreakingthing! Like wtf are my dreams? I want to get married.. that much I know. I don't even know about children.. eventually. But I want a career. That's for sure. I want to do something I love. I just don't think I love anything. I want to be busy all of the time. I want to express myself. I want to interact with people and not be serving them chicken all of the time. I want to do things that require effort and SUCCEED at them.

Red.

Red.

Red.

I wish I could be more descriptive, but all I see in red.
Please, understand me. Please, just listen to me.
My reasons make sense. Besides the one thing, I'm a very rational person.
But you're making me see red.

This is summer. This is my last chance. Starting in August, we'll all be gone, all of us. He'll be here for the next six years, and he has many opportunities. Me, not so much. This is it, I'm afraid. Please, give me this one last thing.. please. I don't want to see red when I reason, I want thing to be clear. I want to be calm, collective, persuasive. Now, I'm just ridiculous. And soon you'll start bringing up the most hurtful things from the past and throwing them in my face. "This is why you ruined all of your relationships, darling. This is why they left you. Of course it was all your fault!" Ireallywanttohateyourightnow, but I love you, so I can't. You just hurt me so much sometimes. My words snap because your words snap. Man, if only you could have been there that day with Susan when we started talking about the root of it all and what would make things easier. I hate crying in front of people, but I couldn't stop. It was this big horrible waterfall, and I was blubbering like this big, stupid baby because you were never there anymore. You worked, and you slept. I had it so much better than most girls, I must agree, but honestly most girls have it bad because this isn't even enough. I mean, I'm selfish, I guess.. spoiled. Cut me, man. Seriously. It's the only thing going through my head when I see this much red.. hurting and hurting and destroying and it's this big stupid cycle and I'm surprised that I'm not A) in my room, destroying myself or B) stuffing my face with tortilla chips until I can't contain them in my stomach anymore and then making everything go away.

I've sort of calmed down now. I guess that's all I really needed to say about that. The hard part is going to be saying the cool, collected part to your face, getting rejected, and not getting upset about it, but that's whatever. I hate my temper. I get vicious.

I Wish I Had One Good Reason..

I'm always writing about the same things. It's mainly one thing, I suppose. I want it more than anything and for one week, I've worked for it (minus one day). I just need motivation to continue. Because I get distracted and discouraged... but underneath everything, I'm bubbling with excitement, I'm writing down dates and numbers, I'm doing math constantly. And I like it. I'm just scared that when I have to go to school, it will become two much for me, that I'll fall farther into it or even worse, fall out of it completely. I want to meet someone who is like me, someone who I can spill all of my secrets too. There's this girl at work and I've been getting to know her for a little while, although I really disliked her at first. I suspected, and I was right. But she didn't want to talk about it. And it made me feel weird.. for wanting to talk about it, to describe it.. because I guess for a while, it was my everything. It's not anymore. I promise. And I've totally switched subjects here. The first thing, the thing I want more than anything is not the bad thing that I just described. It is good and clean and healthy and other 'good' adjectives.


I feel like I'm Accutane again.. for the past three days, things have been a blur. Everything is moving so quickly around me, and I'm just lifeless, performing tasks to keep me alive and slightly sane. I hope it goes away soon. I've been getting plenty of sleep and exercise. Maybe I'm PMSing? Hopefully. It'd be a joy to know that I was PMSing, actually. Then I could say that I was normal. Although it is nice, not being normal sometimes because it makes you feel special. But why would anyone ever feel special about this? I mean, seriously.. will I even be able to have children? I was reading a trashy magazine at the gym today and it was talking about Kate from that show with all of the babies (she dominates trashy mags, btw) and she got pregnant with IVF and fertility drugs after doctors had diagnosed her with PCOS (which I'm convinced that I have), but yay, I guess that's hope for me and my stupid problems.

I'm also sad to say that Scarlett Johannson has lost weight. She was one of the only actresses that wasn't stick thin and depressing to look at.



I was so happy when I saw He's Just Not That Into You and realized that it was OK to have curves.. and now, apparently, it's not. I mean, it wasn't going to stop me from wanting to be stick-thin, anyway. Every girl wants that, no matter how much they deny it.

It's late. This blog was pointless. I need to learn to be more creative.

I'll Tell You Flat Out

You're letting me sit on your shoulders because you love me. You won't let me go because you love me. At first, I'm holding on too. There is no way in the world that I'm willing to compromise this relationship, this immense trust that we've built for one another. But then I get comfortable, so comfortable that I could call it bored.. and I let go. You, you are faithful, you hold on with an unshakable grip. I fall backwards, and the blood rushes to my head. All is coated in a vision of crimson, but your hands, they never let go. The struggle runs deeper as I am dragged through the mud. I am unaware of this destruction and how it could be, how it would be if I had never met you. Because you're permanent. Once I pledge my life to you, there's no turning back, it will never be the same.

don't trust me

"But I don't want to go!" Em screamed at the porcelain girl in the corner of her mind. "I am happy where I am. I am me, I am loved, I am..." Her thoughts trailed off as she studied the pale face that haunted her. Every feature was striking. Her pale, blonde hair seemed to sparkle like a fresh coat of snow on a cool, winter morning. It framed her thin face, highlighting her emerald green eyes and her high cheek bones, which were naturally flushed. The curls cascaded down her back, hiding the protruding blades and exposed spine. The white dress she wore hung loosely on her small frame. As a breeze passed, it danced around her like a blizzard. She was the most beautiful storm imaginable. Her chest was not flat, but dainty. Her stomach was concave and her legs like matchsticks. She was fragile, breakable, the kind of girl who won protection without having to blink. One smile from her and Em was lost in a whirlwind of possibilities. Her focus was shattered by the brisk blizzard breezes, and she could no longer resist.

"Are you?" whispered the porcelain princess through her cherry red lips. Her white smile was seductive and sickening. It felt like waking up prostrate on an operating table, exposed and nauseous in the blinding light.

It all happened so quickly. The blizzard grew stronger and skeleton fingers gripped Em's wrists. "No."

God, please help me. Because out of frustration, I'll screw this up. I really want to screw this up. I want to get rid of everything, I want to tear myself up. So, please help me. Help me towards success. Please give me the motivation to work hard and to persevere through this because right now, I just want to make it all go away. And I know that I can't even do that. If I unleashed that demon, more would come. The bad feelings would move from the space I take up to my skin to my hair to my constant fatigue. I can't make anything go away. I just attempt and end up screwing myself over. Can you please prevent this? Can you do something? This hardly even seems serious. I feel silly writing about it, and talking to You, but this is so serious to me. I've tried so hard. You see that. I want to be "healthy"--I want to do this the "right way." And I can't even do that. What are You trying to tell me? Are you trying to teach me persevearance or are You just laughing in my face? Because that's harsh. You know I've worked really hard for this, right? And I want to be a testimony that hard work is the way to do it.. not giving up and screwing up the body, the hair, the skin. And right now, screwing up seems like the only thing that will get rid of a little bit of extra water weight because right now my whole body isn't even working right and I'm frustrated and can You please help me, please? I am counting instead of being reckless. I am exercising instead of sticking my fingers down my throat. And I'm moving in the opposite direction. What am I supposed to think about that? How is my mind supposed to process that? You want me to honor my body, right? I'm trying so freaking hard, and all I get is failure. It's hard for me to do this, freaking HARD! So I'm asking for help. I've asked You so many times and You haven't really showed up, but whatever. Please help me. I know You can. Love, Amanda.

Calypso

So, I'm trying to be extraordinarily healthy again. I hate the fact that it's so hard. I started taking classes at the gym, and I'm counting my calories a little bit more closely. Yes, I am in the normal weight range (although the high end) for my weight and height. Yes, most people think that I look fine. And I do look fine. But this weight loss is going to be for me and only me. It's not going to be for a boyfriend or for society, it is for me. And it will only be 10-15 pounds. I just want to feel lighter and better about myself. I've built a ton of muscle with my weight lifting, but I haven't really done very much in the fat loss department. That, I need to step up a bit. But whatever. I'm going to try eating 1200-1300 everyday and working out for at least an hour most days. That seems healthy enough. If it's not, then wow. I'm toast, I guess? I'm also vegan until July 19th.. then it is Myrtle Beach time. And since I'm still going to be on a 1200 calorie diet, I have to be a good girl. And I'll have to sneak in workouts, so I hope whoever ends up coming to the beach with me is willing to put up with that. But walking on the beach in the morning is very relaxing. I could have a chill week of just doing that and probably end up being fine. Hopefully we'll be walking around Barefoot Landing and Broadway at the Beach for the majority of the time, anyway.. and tanning. I need a tan worse than anyone else of the planet. Seriously. I'm not an albino, but sometimes people get confused.

I could talk forever about calories and nutrition and exercise. I probably should have kept my major in that, but oh well. I can't change it now or I'll lose my scholarship. And I want to be a nurse. I want to work at a hospital. I'm just getting cold feet about the rest of my life, I guess. I don't know. I always had bigger dreams than this. Am I just settling? I could be a doctor, a designer, I could be anything (maybe not a science teacher), but you know.. something else. I guess we'll just see how school goes. I mean, once I get started working in the hospital, and I'm making money, I could go back to school. And maybe, I won't even want to go back. Maybe I'll love it. And maybe I'll get married and have kids and forget all about silly dreams that don't even mean anything.. maybe my family will become my dreams. I don't know. I think that my soul is a dancer, though.

I sound ridiculous and I'm sorry to all of the readers of my blog whose time I'm wasting.

God is cool. I have no idea what he wants me to do, but I know He's there, making stuff work out. If I'm not supposed to be a nurse, he'll let me know. But for right now, I'm thinking that's what he wants me to do. I've got the scholarship and perfect schedule going for me. I've got a tutor for Chemistry and next semester is pretty much set. I'm in love with calendars and writing everything down. I'm about to go upstairs and get my chickalay calendar and mark it with everything that I might be doing in the next 6 months. Wow, the way things are falling into place is just incredible. I'm not used to this, really. I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, God thanks, You are so awesome and Your plan is so great," and it's like woah, really? Is this my mind thinking these things? I'm usually so rebellious, never wanting to thank Him or even talk to Him. I'm usually angry at Him (for no good reason), but now I'm thinking we are becoming friends again. I was reading Psalms and I really liked it. I need to get into a better Bible reading habit, though. I read that Captivating book this AM, but the Bible was on the shelf somewhere. I found my awesome Bible, though. I missed that awesome Bibleness and now it is found, so yay for awesome Bibleness and stupid made up words.

I feel 13, wanting to blog about anything and everything. I guess it's all the free time. Hah!

My Eyes Roll

It's hard to understand why you're diving into this whirlpool of nonsense. You're trying to open a heavy door with padlocks and barbed wire, and I'm trying to keep it from hurting you, but now it's wearing me out. I'm so tired, hiding these flaws. Why can't they just go away? Or why can't you stop knocking? I don't want the wire to cut you, I don't want your muscles to cramp up and cause you to stumble. I want you to be clean, fresh, strong. Stay invincible for me.. or at least the make believe invincible that you are now. Because no one is really invincible, right?

I used to think that I was invincible, that I would never get in an accident, that no matter what happened, I would never die. And I guess that, in a sense, I really will never die.. my soul won't die, anyway. But I used to think that my body would never die or get older or really change at all. But I've changed so much. I've grown so much.. in undesirable ways, mostly. Sometimes I wish I could go back to 14 and be beautiful and thin again. I don't know why I can't make myself love curves. All of my blogs come back to this. Dear God, help me to get over this nonsense! Ugh.

This is Kate Moss.




This is Scarlett Johansson

I don't want you to see me. You say I'm beautiful, but the shame of what I have become taints the beauty. I am not beautiful at all. Teach me how to disappear. Teach me how to give you what you need. Because fireworks die. I won't be brilliant forever. I'm fading, see? You've drained me.

I'm dancing through hallways in a building that is You. You are the doors, You are the walls, You are the foundation. Even though I'm leaping and twisting, I'll never be fast enough to escape the life You have for me. And it's hard to figure out why I want to escape so badly. Is it human nature to want to live on the edge? And this isn't even the typical edge. This is just seeing You and passing You by. This is just taking what You have given me for granted. For the past several days, I have stopped in shame. I'm doing laundry, and Your walls close in around me. Thank You, thank You, thank You. These are not words that I can keep inside of me. The blessings spilled over and out of my mouth. It's not fair at all because I don't know what I can do for You. I know that there is still growth to be done, but I feel like I'm going nowhere if I don't share this, if I don't work for it. Because I'm doing nothing, and You're giving me everything. How can Love be so great? How can I make my love the same way? I grow selfish and bitter, tainting the meaning of the word until it means nothing at all. I want what I want when I want it, and when I don't get it, the world collapses. I'm spinning out of control over a day of nothing, when You could reason while experiencing the greatest pains. Isn't nothing better than pain? Or is it better to experience it, to live it, so that we may realize how much we are blessed when it subsides?

It's funny. I'm trying to write love songs for someone else, but You are all that's in my head right now. You are beautiful, You are everything, and though I feel far from You at times, though I don't completely understand who You are, I am thankful for You. I love You. Without You, I would be nothing. I am still nothing, yet you find worth in me. I based my life one thing, and then I lost that one thing. I stopped loving myself, caring about myself, I gave up all hope. You never gave up on me, and for that, I am thankful.

I have never been at peace, and I never will be at peace with this. If I became at peace, I would lose all hope of going any further. It is always necessary to go further. That doesn't mean that I will always be sad. There are times of great joy, but there is never contentment. There is never a feeling of completion because the journey is never complete. Life doesn't stop and settle down at a certain age. The adventure continues forever and forever.

So, wow. Five seconds made me feel better.

I was thinking about how I didn't really know where to go from here. There are a lot of directions that THE relationship could grow, but the way I am, I was just thinking that I didn't really know what else I could do. I was happy with the cards I'd been dealt, but in the grand scheme of things, they were nothing without THE relationship. And even though I've been away from Him, it's like He's teaching me more about Him. He's teaching me more about who He is, how He is. Even though I'm confused, even though I doubt.. this confusion and this doubt are good things. I'll grow. I just need to stop being so lazy! I mean, I could be so much stronger by now. I could be so much happier because I'd be loving Him and doing things that make Him happy and then His happiness would make me happy. His love would give love to me, love to give, love to receive. And no, it's not about me. It never was.


I can't type the rest. But there is one God. I know this to be true. And He's in control of everything, but not everything can be perfect all the time because people aren't perfect. Nothing in this world is perfect. Good people die, some crazy things happen.. but if they had been altered, it'd have been worse. Life would have been worse. Ugh, I don't know. I keep getting stuck on ideas. I have so many questions, and I don't know where the answers are.



But I've fallen in a good way. It's making me so much more open-minded. It's making me love myself more.

OK, so excuse the profanity displayed in this image. And just so you know, this is NOT my body. But I'm pretty sure this is a representation of how every female (and sometimes male) feels about her (sometimes his) body most of the time in today's society. It sucks, you know? Some people, when they find their way of eating healthy and enjoying themselves without going overboard, when they find their happy weight, there are some curves thrown in there. I, for one, know that I will never ever EVER be a stick figure girl unless I decide to completely starve myself or completely purge everything. Naturally, I have a butt, I have hips, I have thighs. My body isn't a perfect line, my stomach isn't concave. You can't see my ribs or my hipbones, and I have more than just a little bit of extra skin. But am I fat? No, not at all. Even though I want to be smaller, to feel fragile, to feel free, I'm tired of being disgusting. I am in no way saying that I'll stop. I'm just tired of it, that's all. And that's a step.

Nightmare

It's not even working. The numbers do not satisfy. I wish it never even crossed my mind.


I had a dream that I was possessed. It was weird. I don't even know if possessed is the right word. I was more like a captive. I was 100% me, but there was this voice in my head, this evil force keeping me from the rest of the world. I couldn't be with the people I loved, I couldn't talk to them, I was ridiculed for even thinking of them. It hurt. My body was a walking prison. I was controlled by this evil voice inside of my head, this evil force, and while I was dreaming, it seemed as if this voice was all too familiar. It felt as if I had heard it before, lived it before. It was deja vu. It was real. It was scary. I remember fighting back, finally getting through to the rest of the world, telling a certain person that I loved her, but then I was punished. The Earth stood still, but my whole body shook. It was like I was talking on the phone and the phone vibrated, but then it shocked my body, blurred my vision, made my ears ring and burn with pain. I could do nothing, I was in bondage, I was a slave.

Maybe I had that dream because I fell asleep watching Bedazzled, a 60s movie (remade in 2000) about a guy who sells his soul to the devil to win over a girl. The devil was so charming, and from the parts I saw, he was so nice. And he was beautiful--his hair, his voice, the way he looked at things. I didn't get through the whole movie, of course. I'm sure he got worse as the movie went on because there was probably a good lesson in it and everything. But the devil that was in my dream, in my brain, it was the devil that everyone pictures. He spoke gently, but his words were slippery. The spilled out of my head and wrapped themselves around my throat. He laughed at me, he loved my suffering. He loved isolating me from everything--preparation for hell, he said.

I woke up praying thanks to God that it was a dream, thanks to God that the devil has no control, thanks to God that I am forgiven, I'm sorry that I do stupid things, I'm sorry that I want to go my own way... but anything would be better than what I had dreamed of. Where do dreams come from? Do they come from God or do they come from the devil? Why would the devil want me to dream such horrible things about him? Wouldn't he want me to think only good things about him so I would sell my soul to him like Stanley did in the movie? So maybe this dream came from God. Maybe he's trying to protect me. I'm scared.

I already wrote once today, but I was in a hurry, so I'm writing again.

I am such an angry person. And when I'm mad at someone, I don't avoid them. I don't make sure that I don't ever have to see them again. I want to be with them. I want to be with them and make them feel as miserable and guilty and disgusting as possible. And then I become the bad person. I poke and prod to no end. I rub noses into the carpet until they break and bleed. I make a hole in the person bigger than the hole they left in me. And then I'm not even done. I'm never done. They have to run away, they have to get away, far, far away from me until I don't care anymore. I care for a long time.

This summer is turning into last summer quickly. In good ways and bad ways.

I'm happy and sad.
I'm a tangle of words that I can't straighten out.


I was talking to this guy that's my friend, but more of a friend of a friend (confusing, I know) about God, about religion. I, personally, detest the term 'religion' because it's what makes things so crazy everywhere. I just believe in God. I believe in who He is.

You're Awful, I Love You

"I was running in circles,
I hurt myself just to find my purpose.
Everything was so worthless,
I didn't deserve this,
but to me you were perfect."
Hollywood Undead, Circles

I like working a lot. And going to the gym a lot. However, I do NOT like coming home and being extremely hungry and not knowing the difference between hunger and appetite. Anyway.. I'm excited for college. So excited. I met some really nice people, and seeing my dorm room and looking at the list of all the things that I need to make it mine is pure euphoria.. but not really euphoria because that is a waaay exaggerated state of being that never really exists in me.

OK, the end.

It Was Ego Who Was Flying the Banner...

"The end result of so many meetings,
late night diners with no one in them.
We sit in corners and sip burnt coffee,
count the tiles upon the ceiling.
Skip this pretense and skip straight to dying,
don't beg me to keep your eyes from crying.
You said so much without ever parting your lips.
It's past 3 AM, and I'm still far from sleep.
This is a habit that I can't break."
From Autumn to Ashes, Chloroform Perfume

It's funny how I can take any song and twist the meaning in my mind, so it applies to you. Welcome home. My throat hurts.

"Hanging out with every boy in town,
Some won’t mind, and some will feel let down.
Did you wonder how they live without you?
You said ’I love you’ without thinking twice,
I knew I didn’t but thought it was nice.
Right through your eyeballs I saw our demise
Twisting and certain as ebony skies.
Flaking out on everyone around,
Some won’t ask, but some will talk about,
What it is that eats your conscience out.
As you wander all around the town here.
With nothing to lose and nothing to fear.
I guess some you win, and some you did.
You move much better when you can’t hide.
You look content when you’re open wide."

-Schooner, Carrboro

Once I finished registering for my classes in the fall, I got the biggest sense of peace that I've had in a while. The whole college thing--the new people, the classes, the stress, the transition--was sitting on my shoulders and breathing down my neck. I was completely weighed down. But now, a lot of that pressure is gone. Part of the burden, I've taken off and pushed behind me, another part, I've pushed in front of me. As for the rest of it, I'm taking it down slowly as I get things done.

So in the fall, I'll have 5 classes on Monday. Biology for 50 minutes, Romance Literature for 50 minutes, Chemistry for an hour and 15 minutes, some random pre-nursing class for 2 hours, and then Folk Art for 3 hours. CRAZY. The rest of the week is pretty chill. I have a three hour bio lab on Tuesdays, a three hour chem lab on Thursdays, bio plus chem plus lit on Wednesdays, and then only lit and bio on Fridays. So I'll have one day where I'm occupied for 29348392 hours and then the rest is just whatever. I seriously never want to eat the food at the dining hall EVER because I had a mad stomach ache after every meal on Thursday and Friday.. so maybe I'll never eat. Ever. kasfjkajdakljakfld. Yeah right. I love saying that I won't. It makes me feel so empowered. I always eat, though. Always. So don't worry. Even when I don't want to take care of myself, I do. It's an automatic thing.

ksdfkakjad
110110110110
needneedneed
110110110110

I think

I'm up and I'm limping (mentally). I would love nothing other than to go back to sleep. But you don't burn calories while you're sleeping. But it might not even matter in my case. I don't think I burn them while I'm awake. Three pounds in two days after taking six weeks to lose two. I didn't even have to use my spare time to hate myself. It just happened. This is not me, I am not this stupid, fat girl. I have no idea who this is, living on top of me. I want her to die, and I want to live again. Because this is not me.

At the Bottom of Everything

When you're by yourself, you can't make the wheels stop spinning, you can't keep the thoughts from wrapping around your brain like the umbilical cord wraps around a displaced baby in the womb. The baby is in danger, your sanity slips away.

I guess that's why we find distractions. Drugs more some, sex for others, binging and purging for another. But then there are other bad habits that don't just make us forget about the thoughts, they just make everything freeze. And I wouldn't mind freezing right now, I just don't think I can. I'm weak when I pull up my dress to look at the muscle that has grown under the fat in my thighs, pushing it out, making me look less than human. I am weak when I leave fingernail marks on my stomach, on my hips, on my arms. I am weak when I put toast in the toaster, pour the cereal into the bowl. And I can't change that by myself. I can't do anything alone. This isn't dying, it's just using my spare time to find more things to hate about myself. And lately, I have a lot of spare time. You think filling it would be easy, but it's almost like I don't even determine what's going on. Everything falls into place, and I'm right where I started, back in the mirror, back in the bathroom. Filling time is like filling in the blanks in a censored letter. You're left wondering, I'm left wandering and stumbling and trying to make my way through the dark, up a steel hill that I can't see the end of.


Light, shine. Don't let me forget you. Don't let me panic and fall down pleading and begging, only to forget again. It's disgusting.

I'm wide awake, it's morning.
I'm wide awake, it's morning.

Don't let me forget why I am blessed. Oh, I am blessed, I am blessed, and I wish I could be more thankful.

I Dreamed You Were Carried Away By the Crest of a Wave

Frustration leads to examination. Examination leads to discovery. Discovery leads to growth. And this growth is hope, this growth is freedom. Although displayed negatively, these words have been written in a positive light. Saving up sentiment, bottling up emotion is what causes the paint to mix into something poisonous. This may by bitterness displayed, but it is better than bitterness fermented, bitterness twisted, bitterness bleeding like ink, dripping down my throat.

--

I guess it was an escape from reality. In giving up what I gave up, I was strong. I was a warrior, a survivor, I did not need. And I was different. I didn't have to grow up. I lived in Never Never Land, floating lightly as a brightly colored autumn leaf, resting on the wings of a fictional angel. But I temporarily blinded, I couldn't recognize where I was, I couldn't recognize what I had become. Instead of loving, instead of thriving in my fantasy world, I recognized it as a time of suffering, a time of dying. Living inside the mirror wasn't a miracle, it was a curse.

And if you believe something long enough, proclaim a single statement with diligence and perseverance, you can speak it into existence.

The glass shattered slowly, the ice melted with the newly created fire, and something that once stood so gracefully, so beautifully, now lays like old rain in the crevices of the sidewalk. I am weak, I am liquid, this is reality, this is my curse.

I am who I said I was, not then, but now. I am the opposite of my affections, the monster in previous nightmares. And I think I'm starting to be OK with that, I think I'm starting to turn this thing around. There is no such thing as a free ride. One must always sacrifice. In these situations, it is what is given that makes all the difference.


And I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

On another note:

I should have stayed behind glass. I shouldn't have revealed the pounding in my chest, I shouldn't have proclaimed the magic words that make a statement like this irreversible. Now I'm in, and I can't get out. It's getting deeper, I'm getting attached to something I won't be able to hang onto. And it's only been a week. How can I feel so much in a week? How can I resist and then slip in gently and violently all at once, my emotions raging, my composure settling and unsettling, my hope soaring when I hear I hear the crack of his lips, the smile in his voice? How could I be so stupid? How could I let myself feel again?

Slow down tornado,
I want to sit down.
I can't seem to count right,
I keep spinning around.
There are kisses on my shoulder,
ghosts under my skin.
The right contact releases
what I've for so long hid.

It's not like they don't know,
I guess I'm still ashamed.
I fell in a hole
while reciting the verses, speaking the name.
Yeah, I know I was happy.
I was caught in a breeze.
But reality hits like a brick
when the cool winds cease.


I want to go back to bed.

Trees Get Wheeled Away

You know, it's hard to notice sometimes, but it feels like a knife, cutting my heart in half and stealing all the good. They're filling it with poison, but I can feel nothing more than a small tug every so often.

I finished reading a book, and I cried--real, liquid tears. I don't think I've ever cried at the ending of a book, no matter how sad it is, but this one really got to me. A few people that read this know what book I'm reading, so I won't give away the ending to those who also plan to read it, but it was completely unexpected, and almost wrong. It was like triumph and victory for the main character with a page or two left for the absolute worst to happen.

It's weird how life is like that sometimes, how our Christian walk is like that. After the biggest successes, the greatest leaps of growth, we take a small step backwards and end up falling down the pit we just made it across. Yeah, we had the strength to jump, we just lacked the wisdom to realize that we need to learn from our past experiences. We forgot that looking behind can actually benefit us, so we fall into the mess that we have (or Christ has) just overcome.

The first time I ever got depressed, I can hardly remember the reason. It was probably a broken relationship that hadn't even really started mixed in with family problems resulting from the death of a loved one. Depression is different for everyone, some disguise it with anger, some cover is with quietness, others scream for attention, wrap their tears in blood and hate. I started asking for attention. I was young, barely thirteen, the first time I set the scissors on my wrist watched blood start trickling out. If I hadn't wanted attention, I would have picked a better spot. But I wanted it to be out in the open. And it was, at first. I reveled in the attention until I started receiving the wrong kind of attention which resulted in counseling and yelling and a lack of privacy. Then I got a little more secret because the sadness bloomed inside of me like a flower. I was attending church all of this time and Jesus came inside of me like a really good landscaper, buzzing down the weeds that I had allowed to grow. However, I missed the weeds, I wanted them back, so I chose to let them grow, ignoring my landscaper, ignoring what I really needed. The cuts were secret, but then they stopped. I rehired him in the summer while I was away, only to shortly let a new string of weeds grow along my garden of thorns. I tried to make myself disappear, my body, my image became my worst enemy. I rehired him once again during the summer, trying to spread his services and his love to other people the next year. But then I fell in a hole when I met a certain person who said he wanted my landscaper, but really only wanted me and depended on me and blamed me when anything went wrong. My heart was kicked and beaten and bruised until I felt like I had nothing left. I was no longer of garden, but a field of garbage. I was absolute garbage. And I kept running away. I tried to find other people to do the work of the landscaper, they would grow tiny flowers that never seemed to come up right. They would make me happy for months at a time, but end up dying and adding to the rubbish of my wretched field. I tried to think of more ways to make myself disappear, but nothing worked anymore. The guy who hired the good landscaper wanted all of me to stick around because I think he had a big project planned for my field. I just had to make the choice to stop standing in chains, petitioning the reconstruction of my garden. I'm still trying to make that choice.

wordswordswords

"With all those curls and off-white pearls, I'd say you came... looking for love."

I miss This Love Machine. Why did they have to break up? :(
Oh well.

I miss too many things.
Like the ocean and one ten and kisses and ease and peace.
(When was there ever peace?)

imisskdsjfkalanaandstadjffkaldrvingandloosepandkljalajatsandgrowlingandfacingdeathsdkfdlasdfankdfjakljkaldworryandbeiajkfajdfadkls;ngincontrol

I tried to read again today and I got amazingly distracted, but I guess I'm trying at least. I hate the mindset I have sometimes. I feel like the exception. I can read and read and see examples of things that He has done for people who have done things that aren't pleasing and doubted Him.. and how He still loves them and wants to be with them, but my mind (or Satan) keeps telling me that I'm the exception, I'm the one who doesn't get that. And I hate that I can't break free of that.
I'll be reading and it's like Hah, whatever. You've read this before, you've lived this before. What's the point? It's not like it applies to you, Mrs. Screw-Up-of-the-Century. But I was in the shower yesterday, and stuff sort of came together in my mind. There is no truth outside of Him. I'm a liar, everyone is a liar. He is the only absolute truth in the universe. Everyone lies, it's scary how much people lie, how you can't trust anyone.. but you can trust Him.. even though I'm stupid and I definitely don't. I think I can trust myself, but I can't. I'm so full of lies that's it's a trip. I think I'm fat, I think I'm ugly, I think everyone hates me, I think God doesn't love me, I think I'm an exception, and the list goes on and on. I mean, it's not anything that anyone does that puts these ideas into my head.. it's all me. And maybe I have a past, maybe I've been in abusive relationship (with a guy, with myself), but shouldn't I take these things and make them into something good?

I'm rambling so much and my excessive coffee drinking has given me a stomach ache. I need to go clean my room so Aunt and Uncle can stay in it next week. I get to sleep on the floor after graduation. Yay? But it doesn't matter. I'll have graduated. I'm excited for this next week. Tomorrow, I have a graduation thing at church, Tuesday, a more intimate church graduation thing, Friday-GRADUATION!!!, Saturday-fiestas de graduation, and then next Monday, I have a Chick-fil-A graduation thing. ksdfjadkjfadl, I need to get moving.


---

I'm having really stupid resentment feelings right now, and I want to scream.

I'll Trap You In A Song Tied To A Melody

Blank white screens.

Too many text messages.

Too many people to please.

Too many people to upset.

Fatigue.


Money.

Bright Eyes.

Calories.

Coffee.

TV Screen.

Elliptical machine.

Weights and weights and scales and weight.


Curfew.

College.

Cupcakes.


Kisses.


Magazines.


Kisses.


"Now it's not so hard to get close to me. There'll be no arguments, we'll always agree. I'll try to be kind when I ask you to leave. We'll both take it easy."



I want to go somewhere and take pictures of scenes all day long. Taking pictures of people and memories is too difficult.

I feel sick to my stomach, I think the hunger was better.


Ugh, it was so easy. It was too easy.

Summer

"I need a fix 'cause I'm going down..."


I guess summer is my fix.
I want to stop being tired.
It's ruining everything.

Right now, I want too much. I want to start being friends with all of the people I used to be friends with. I'm sick of having so many guy "friends" that secretly just want to hook up with me. They're fun to hang out with and convenient when I need to go somewhere and don't have anyone to go with, but they're aggravating. I'm so tired of it. And I hate hurting people that have done nothing to me. Urgh. I want to lose 20 pounds. Yeah, ridiculous, I know. If I just invested in a bunch of size-4 jeans and lost 5-7, I'd probably be fine, but I don't want to buy new things. I'm stupid and stubborn. I want to be busy, I want to be out of the house, walking, shopping, talking, doing anything but being in the house. And it's working so far, but I just can't make myself get up and go. I'm so tired that it's killing me. This medicine needs to get out of my system before I explode of tiredness and irritation. And I think I'm getting sick, too.. which helps.. whatever. I want to buy a lot of Bright Eyes CD's and roll my windows down and blast them as I drive way too fast down I-40, not going much of anywhere. I'd say that I want to go to the beach, but I don't know. Going there alone isn't that great. But friend is a weird concept to me. I've basically removed myself from most of them, and I don't know how to undo that. I should probably just shut up half of the time. I don't know. I'm ready to graduate. I'm done with school, but they drag this stupid thing on, making us wait to finally walk across the stage. I don't think I'll cry. I don't have anything left here, really. Even though that's a lie because everyone has changed me, made me who I am in one way or another. And I love those people even though I'm terrible at loving people. I just try to stay away. I'm too much of a burden sometimes. Loving and suffocating are two different things, so in my attempts to love, I pull away, giving all of the people freedom from my pointless drama and mood swings. I wish I knew how to stop it, but I don't. So leaving is just a better option, I guess. I hope things can be different in Greensboro.

And now I'm running out of time to go to the gym because I have work at 3 and blehhh. Busy, busy, but not really.

Four letter lie:
I'm singing songs,
I'm writing lines.

Just to survive,
survive, survive.

An absence of space becomes an excess.

Still and Messy

The hallways are crowded, but empty, as I make my way to my car to see a crowded, but empty parking lot. There are a few distractions along the way, and I light up, my light bulb burning at the dimmest possible level without being completely off, like it usually is. For a second, I open my eyes, I come out of our coma, and I can see a face, I can hear a voice, I can feel a body pressing against mine. And it's not the face I want, but in this moment, I am alive. The light goes off, and I slip back into the sleep. It is a dreamless sleep because if I had dreams, we'd be running. We'd be hand in hand, running away from all of the madness, the hypocrisy, the liars, the back stabbers.. the rejection. We'd have each other, and it would be enough. I know that it's never enough, but this is my dream. This is my dream, and this is our coma. This is our coma because you dug me further into it. We were out of it, both of us, but now we are both back under the imaginary anesthesia. We are out, we are numb, we are borderline dead. No matter how many times you try and excuse yourself from this, you're in it just as much as I am. You held onto something that didn't hold onto you, and you fell out of a window. I fought for something so ferociously, so blindly, that I ended up damaging only myself. We are broken people, you and me. We are broken people. But my light goes on full for you, the bulb exploding, the glass shattering into thousands of pieces, brilliant crystal floating through the electrical current in the air. I want to paint you with my words.

--

What's the point? I'm sure I wouldn't like it very much if I got what I wanted anyway. People are stupid like that sometimes. They like viewing their unaccessible options as objects of perfection. Whatever. I don't think I care that much. I just like to write about it because I haven't been able to write in a long time. The desire is noticeably starting to fade.

I was just a test.
I was just a test.
I was just a test.

But I failed.

I hate being compared to someone else. Maybe I'm not as pretty, not as smart, but I don't know.. pretty is an opinion type of thing. I'm different. I'm not the same. I'll never be the same. And all I want is to be the same... Ugh. How can I be myself when I have no idea who I am?

Hawaii

Dirty hallways, white tile, and stairwells reconstructed to keep bodies upright. I'm moving forward, I'm moving higher in this building, lifting my legs, pushing myself up to the next step, slowly, slowly. If I look up, I'll die because I'll see exactly what I want to see.. not seeing me. And I really won't die anymore than I'm dying already because I'm thinking about it, I see oceans in my head, pulling me under, drowning me. And I never really liked the ocean very much because when I was ten, I got caught on something, and I couldn't resurface. I was inhaling salt and water, burning my lungs, my eyes, my nose. But then I came up, and I got out of the water. I walked to the sand castle that I had attempted to build earlier and although I didn't swear I'd never like the ocean again, I knew. I knew it would never be able to win me over. Oh, but this is Hawaii. This is different. These waters are clear and blue and beautiful. I hate the word beautiful. Because it's what you embody, and what I do not. Maybe in some cases I can be it too, but I think you take it all away from me. Your waves crash over me, they crumble me, leaving me washed up and dirty on the shore. But when you are close to me, I can breathe you. I can breathe in your salt-coated air, and it doesn't burn like it used to burn. It's sweet, and it's not everything, but it's a part of the everything that I want. I guess I'm just out of luck. I miss you.


--

And school is almost over, and I want to sleep straight through the summer, but not really. I want to go to D.C. and the beach and everywhere. I want to do everything. But I want someone to go with me.. that's all. I've learned more about being alone, and I've learned that it's more unsettling than I can take for a whole eight weeks. And alone is a weird word, too. Because I am and am not alone. I don't want a boyfriend. Because most people will interpret this as such, and it's not that.. yeah.

Four more days.

12 Million Questions

Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it's over?
Yes.

Your last kiss probably meant nothing to you, right?
It meant a lot.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
No.

Do you think blondes are stupid, honestly?
Sure.

If your mom worked at Hooters, what would you do?
Laugh

Who are the past 4 people to send you a text?
I'm not looking.

Do you love where you live?
More like I hate it.

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Wishing for sleep.

Last person you were on the phone with for more than 20 minutes?
I can't even remember.

Who was the first person you talked to on the phone when you woke up?
I didn't talk to anyone on the phone today.

Can you get over people easily?
No, I can just pretend that I do, and I do a horrible job at that.

Where did you first kiss the last person you kissed?
His house.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
Yes.

Are you open about your feelings, or closed off?
Both.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
Why not? I never look very different.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Hollister.

Does your ex miss you?
Lol, of course not.

So, what do you want for your birthday?
It's too far away to think about.

If the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing?
I really don't know.

Did you sleep alone last night?
Yes, duh.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
Does anyone believe that?

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Yeah, it was beautiful, too.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you because of something you didn't do?
Probably.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Nope, I actually hope that I'm not. It'll be the first day of classes at a new place.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
No.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yes.

How was your weekend?
Interesting

Was you last kiss drunk or sober?
Sober, I am always sober.

Who are all of the texts in your phone from?
Different people.

Do you think that you're a good person?
I don't know. I guess I've been bad to a few too many people to say that.

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Yep--Christy and Jenni (:

How do you feel right now?
Blegh, but happy to be resting, I guess.

What did you do yesterday?
Church and gym and more church and taco bell and cookout.

If you could seek revenge on someone would you?
No, not worth it.

Does any part of your body hurt right now?
Yes.

Do you like your best friend's boyfriend/​girlfriend?​
Sure, he makes her happy. And he's a good influence on her. They're both very blessed.

Did the last person who hurt you, ever apologize?
No.

Are you a mean person?
Yeah, lately.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
Of course.

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
No.

Ever been called heartless?
Yeah, I think so.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
Yes.

Interested in anyone at the moment?
I have no idea.

How has this week been?
dkajfkdajkfaakl

Are you currently in a relationship?
No.

Are you happy about this situation?
It's whatever.

Are you 100% over the last person you kissed?
uhsurewhynot

What does your 18th text message say and who's it from?
I'm not looking for my 18th text message.

Have you ever started off on the wrong foot with someone?
Yeah, I always seem really stuck up because I'm not very outwardly emotional.

What was on your mind mostly today?
ughughletsnotthinkaboutthat

Who was the last person you got into a big argument with?
lukeskywalker

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
Yeah, I've only been with one or two people that they've liked, really.

What brings out the worst in you?
Hm "/

What's a fact about the last person who texted you?
He ditched me on Friday.

What all did you eat today?
Cereal, toast, fruit, boca burger, chips, who cares?

What song is currently stuck in your head?
Spent On Rainy Days

When was the last time you got seriously hurt? (physically)
Monday?

What about emotionally?
2 hours ago.

What's something you can't understand?
God.

Are you waiting on something/someone right now?
Sort of.

When meeting new people, are you usually shy?
Yes.

Which is harder, telling someone you love them or that you don't?
No me gusta el palabra <>

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
No, of course not.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Matt Shaftner :)

How late did you stay up last night and why?
12:30, could not sleep.

What will you be doing in 3 hours?
Movie.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yeah, but he's in Virginia :(

Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
I don't remember. Daniel?

Has anyone ever told you they love you?.
Yes.

Do you open up to people easily?
Depends on what we're talking about.

Who do you care about more than yourself?
you.

Who have you dated in 2009?
Luke and Sam.

Your ex calls you and says he wants you back, what do you do?
-

What are you thinking about right now?
Futures.

Do you wish someone was with you right now?
No, I'm good, actually.

What's your status on fb/myspace say currently?.
something about star wars

What's something you would love to have happen right now?
I want to understand and know how to not be.. yeah.

Do you act differently around the person you like?
What person that I like?

Would you prefer a thunderstorm or for it to be snowing?
Thunderstorm.

Do people tend to walk all over you?:
Never.

How many times have you truly been in love?:
Twice.

Have you ever told someone that you loved them and didnt mean it?:
Not really. It might have been some different kind of love, but I never completely didn't love the person.

Have you ever played with someones emotions?:
Yes.

Would you consider yourself a heartless person?
At times.

Do you think relationships are hard?:
Definitely.


Is there someone you'd go to the ends of the Earth for who wouldn't do the same for you?
Probably.

What is your favorite thing to do with your boyfriend/crush?
I don't have a boyfriend/crush.

What is your favorite carnival/fair food?
Fried Snickers. So disgusting, but so good.

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Yeah.

The last person you kissed hates you, why?
Because I'm annoying and disappointing

How many people do you trust?
Zero.

Why did your last relationship end?
Because of me.

Are you happy with your life?
No, I don't think it's good to be happy with life anyway because then you would settle and miss out of opportunities.

If you could go back in time, would you?
Yeah.

Favorite thing to shop for?
Birthday presents (:

How is your life right now?
stupidstupidstupid fine

What are you doing other than this?
Watching Star Wars

What are you doing after this?
Movie

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Daniel

How was your day?
Boring

How was your night?
Emotional

When was the last time you cried?
3ish hours ago

What were you doing an hour ago?

This. Sadly.

How many windows are open on your computer?
3

Who is your last missed call from?
Amanda's mom.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right this second?
Kind of.

How your heart lately?
lol?

Think of the last person who said i love you, do you think they meant it?
No.

Have you ever cried uncontrollably on a friend's shoulder?
No.

What's something you really want right now?
everything


What woke you up this morning?
the sun.


Will you be in a relationship next month?
Nope.

Where was the last place you hugged someone?
Cookout

Would you have a baby with the last person you called?
No.

If your best friend said, I hate you, you say?
Something mean and sarcastic and hurtful

Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
idk, maybe

Do you believe in forever?
what does that even mean?

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I love my eye color.

What are you doing tomorrow?
school and haircut


Do you have a favorite band?
Bright Eyes

Are you dating the person you text most?
No

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them?
Sometimes

Anything you would change about your life right now?
Yes.

Have you ever slept on the couch with someone?
Yeah.