Summer

"I need a fix 'cause I'm going down..."


I guess summer is my fix.
I want to stop being tired.
It's ruining everything.

Right now, I want too much. I want to start being friends with all of the people I used to be friends with. I'm sick of having so many guy "friends" that secretly just want to hook up with me. They're fun to hang out with and convenient when I need to go somewhere and don't have anyone to go with, but they're aggravating. I'm so tired of it. And I hate hurting people that have done nothing to me. Urgh. I want to lose 20 pounds. Yeah, ridiculous, I know. If I just invested in a bunch of size-4 jeans and lost 5-7, I'd probably be fine, but I don't want to buy new things. I'm stupid and stubborn. I want to be busy, I want to be out of the house, walking, shopping, talking, doing anything but being in the house. And it's working so far, but I just can't make myself get up and go. I'm so tired that it's killing me. This medicine needs to get out of my system before I explode of tiredness and irritation. And I think I'm getting sick, too.. which helps.. whatever. I want to buy a lot of Bright Eyes CD's and roll my windows down and blast them as I drive way too fast down I-40, not going much of anywhere. I'd say that I want to go to the beach, but I don't know. Going there alone isn't that great. But friend is a weird concept to me. I've basically removed myself from most of them, and I don't know how to undo that. I should probably just shut up half of the time. I don't know. I'm ready to graduate. I'm done with school, but they drag this stupid thing on, making us wait to finally walk across the stage. I don't think I'll cry. I don't have anything left here, really. Even though that's a lie because everyone has changed me, made me who I am in one way or another. And I love those people even though I'm terrible at loving people. I just try to stay away. I'm too much of a burden sometimes. Loving and suffocating are two different things, so in my attempts to love, I pull away, giving all of the people freedom from my pointless drama and mood swings. I wish I knew how to stop it, but I don't. So leaving is just a better option, I guess. I hope things can be different in Greensboro.

And now I'm running out of time to go to the gym because I have work at 3 and blehhh. Busy, busy, but not really.