Nightmare

It's not even working. The numbers do not satisfy. I wish it never even crossed my mind.


I had a dream that I was possessed. It was weird. I don't even know if possessed is the right word. I was more like a captive. I was 100% me, but there was this voice in my head, this evil force keeping me from the rest of the world. I couldn't be with the people I loved, I couldn't talk to them, I was ridiculed for even thinking of them. It hurt. My body was a walking prison. I was controlled by this evil voice inside of my head, this evil force, and while I was dreaming, it seemed as if this voice was all too familiar. It felt as if I had heard it before, lived it before. It was deja vu. It was real. It was scary. I remember fighting back, finally getting through to the rest of the world, telling a certain person that I loved her, but then I was punished. The Earth stood still, but my whole body shook. It was like I was talking on the phone and the phone vibrated, but then it shocked my body, blurred my vision, made my ears ring and burn with pain. I could do nothing, I was in bondage, I was a slave.

Maybe I had that dream because I fell asleep watching Bedazzled, a 60s movie (remade in 2000) about a guy who sells his soul to the devil to win over a girl. The devil was so charming, and from the parts I saw, he was so nice. And he was beautiful--his hair, his voice, the way he looked at things. I didn't get through the whole movie, of course. I'm sure he got worse as the movie went on because there was probably a good lesson in it and everything. But the devil that was in my dream, in my brain, it was the devil that everyone pictures. He spoke gently, but his words were slippery. The spilled out of my head and wrapped themselves around my throat. He laughed at me, he loved my suffering. He loved isolating me from everything--preparation for hell, he said.

I woke up praying thanks to God that it was a dream, thanks to God that the devil has no control, thanks to God that I am forgiven, I'm sorry that I do stupid things, I'm sorry that I want to go my own way... but anything would be better than what I had dreamed of. Where do dreams come from? Do they come from God or do they come from the devil? Why would the devil want me to dream such horrible things about him? Wouldn't he want me to think only good things about him so I would sell my soul to him like Stanley did in the movie? So maybe this dream came from God. Maybe he's trying to protect me. I'm scared.