God, please help me. Because out of frustration, I'll screw this up. I really want to screw this up. I want to get rid of everything, I want to tear myself up. So, please help me. Help me towards success. Please give me the motivation to work hard and to persevere through this because right now, I just want to make it all go away. And I know that I can't even do that. If I unleashed that demon, more would come. The bad feelings would move from the space I take up to my skin to my hair to my constant fatigue. I can't make anything go away. I just attempt and end up screwing myself over. Can you please prevent this? Can you do something? This hardly even seems serious. I feel silly writing about it, and talking to You, but this is so serious to me. I've tried so hard. You see that. I want to be "healthy"--I want to do this the "right way." And I can't even do that. What are You trying to tell me? Are you trying to teach me persevearance or are You just laughing in my face? Because that's harsh. You know I've worked really hard for this, right? And I want to be a testimony that hard work is the way to do it.. not giving up and screwing up the body, the hair, the skin. And right now, screwing up seems like the only thing that will get rid of a little bit of extra water weight because right now my whole body isn't even working right and I'm frustrated and can You please help me, please? I am counting instead of being reckless. I am exercising instead of sticking my fingers down my throat. And I'm moving in the opposite direction. What am I supposed to think about that? How is my mind supposed to process that? You want me to honor my body, right? I'm trying so freaking hard, and all I get is failure. It's hard for me to do this, freaking HARD! So I'm asking for help. I've asked You so many times and You haven't really showed up, but whatever. Please help me. I know You can. Love, Amanda.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
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I think it's really important that you have faith in who He IS first, not what He can do for you, which I know those are not your motives...but it is extremely crucial that your faith continues to grow steadfast in who HE IS and not what He is going to do.
He will ALWAYS give you ways out of situations, and choice. But you must truly BELIEVE that, that He will do that and that He is strong enough to do that. Maybe you're having such a hard time because somewhere in your mind you're doubting that He can really do it...I of course, don't know what's going on manda, in your head, but I can only imagine. I love reading this guy...
"Do you have even the slightest reliance on anything or anyone other than God? Is there a remnant of reliance left on any natural quality within you, or on any particular set of circumstances? Are you relying on yourself in any manner whatsoever regarding this new proposal or plan which God has placed before you? Will you examine yourself by asking these probing questions? It really is true to say, "I cannot live a holy life," but you can decide to let Jesus Christ make you holy. "You cannot serve the Lord . . ."— but you can place yourself in the proper position where God’s almighty power will flow through you. Is your relationship with God sufficient for you to expect Him to exhibit His wonderful life in you?
"The people said to Joshua, ’No, but we will serve the Lord!" ( Joshua 24:21 ). This is not an impulsive action, but a deliberate commitment. We tend to say, "But God could never have called me to this. I’m too unworthy. It can’t mean me." It does mean you, and the more weak and feeble you are, the better. The person who is still relying and trusting in anything within himself is the last person to even come close to saying, "I will serve the Lord."
We say, "Oh, if only I really could believe!" The question is, "Will I believe?" No wonder Jesus Christ placed such emphasis on the sin of unbelief. "He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief" ( Matthew 13:58 ). If we really believed that God meant what He said, just imagine what we would be like! Do I really dare to let God be to me all that He says He will be?"
Oswald Chambers
He's been hitting it on the mark for me lately, daily. http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php
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