I Wish I Had One Good Reason..

I'm always writing about the same things. It's mainly one thing, I suppose. I want it more than anything and for one week, I've worked for it (minus one day). I just need motivation to continue. Because I get distracted and discouraged... but underneath everything, I'm bubbling with excitement, I'm writing down dates and numbers, I'm doing math constantly. And I like it. I'm just scared that when I have to go to school, it will become two much for me, that I'll fall farther into it or even worse, fall out of it completely. I want to meet someone who is like me, someone who I can spill all of my secrets too. There's this girl at work and I've been getting to know her for a little while, although I really disliked her at first. I suspected, and I was right. But she didn't want to talk about it. And it made me feel weird.. for wanting to talk about it, to describe it.. because I guess for a while, it was my everything. It's not anymore. I promise. And I've totally switched subjects here. The first thing, the thing I want more than anything is not the bad thing that I just described. It is good and clean and healthy and other 'good' adjectives.


I feel like I'm Accutane again.. for the past three days, things have been a blur. Everything is moving so quickly around me, and I'm just lifeless, performing tasks to keep me alive and slightly sane. I hope it goes away soon. I've been getting plenty of sleep and exercise. Maybe I'm PMSing? Hopefully. It'd be a joy to know that I was PMSing, actually. Then I could say that I was normal. Although it is nice, not being normal sometimes because it makes you feel special. But why would anyone ever feel special about this? I mean, seriously.. will I even be able to have children? I was reading a trashy magazine at the gym today and it was talking about Kate from that show with all of the babies (she dominates trashy mags, btw) and she got pregnant with IVF and fertility drugs after doctors had diagnosed her with PCOS (which I'm convinced that I have), but yay, I guess that's hope for me and my stupid problems.

I'm also sad to say that Scarlett Johannson has lost weight. She was one of the only actresses that wasn't stick thin and depressing to look at.



I was so happy when I saw He's Just Not That Into You and realized that it was OK to have curves.. and now, apparently, it's not. I mean, it wasn't going to stop me from wanting to be stick-thin, anyway. Every girl wants that, no matter how much they deny it.

It's late. This blog was pointless. I need to learn to be more creative.