OK, I would like to know.. how is this relaxing? How is any moment in life relaxing when I can feel every calorie that I put into my stomach making it expand. I can feel it all, the mass of failure, draping itself across my body, layer upon layer.

Twenty fucking pounds on me goddamnittttt. Thirty fucking pounds of me godddamnniittt.. and I can't sleep. I'm tired as hell, but I can never drift off because I feel these numbers and I need things and I ask for them but I am denied, denied, denied. Goddddddddddddddddddddd. Do this, do that, fuck you, fuck that. You're not worthy of love, you're not worthy of anythingggg. Just go to fucking sleep and never wake up, you cold bitch.

Ugh, I wish that I could express these sentiments more accurately. I'm just screaming with my fingers onto this horribly lit screen, not forming actual words or thoughts. I'm being raw.

I guess it would be more accurate to say that I feel that I am not appreciated. I guess that I have no reason to truly be appreciated. I don't do an awful lot, and I also don't appreciate others as I should. So I suppose that I have brought all of these feelings onto myself. I wish I could just make them disappear, I wish that I didn't feel the need to be 'accepted' as it lay in conflict with my desire to rebel and act selfishly.


I am such a selfish bitch. I am so self-centered, so self-concerned.