Killer can't talk to anyone
without extracting data from their brain--
Needle in and that's it.
Here is a sample of who you are
and by this, you will be judged,
hated and loved.
There is corruption in your spine.

And you say that I hurt you
in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, you say that I hurt you
in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, well, maybe I hurt you some,
but let's contrast and compare
Lift up your shirt
The wound isn't there
I guess that your truth
is just the ghost of your lies
I guess that your truth
is just the ghost of your lies
Yeah, your kind of truth, darling,
is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time

It's silly how I'm thinking that I should just forget what I know and go with what I feel. So silly. I think I'm going to delete this blog or make it private. It sucks that I have no room to say what I feel without people biting my head off. Well, you bite me, I bite back. And I feel no shame. I probably should, but right now I don't even care.

Well morning came
And it dressed the sky
In a lovely yellow gown
Now the shops they are
All opening
In that narrow hallway of downtown
Filled with people who
Are shopping for
Their lovers and their friends
So they won't ever be lonely again
Well a forest fenced
becomes backyards
Like songs are born from sound
And the apple fell
And it taught us all
We are chained here to the ground
So here we go
But there ain't no escape
Yeah, these streets they're just dead ends
So I won't ever be happy again
Well, it seems you too
See a painful blue
When you stare into the sky
You could never understand
The motion of a hand waving you goodbye
"Bye bye"
But as the story goes
or it is often told
A new day will arise
And all the dance halls will
Be full of skeletons
That are coming back to life
And on a grassy hill
the lion will
lay down with the lamb
And I won't ever be lonely again
No, no, no, no, no
But until that time
I think I had better find
some disbelief to suspend
Cause I don't want to feel like this again

--Bright Eyes

Ugh, I'm angry about so many things. I feel like I was cheated when it comes to Senior Project. I worked so hard on it, and I got one of the worst grades out of anyone. Everyone before me said, "Yeah don't sweat. Senior project is just a bunch of free 100s." They do no work and get rewarded. I put my heart and soul into my stupid project and now I'm going to make a B in English. And when I tell people, they look at me like I'm dumb. I'm not dumb. Ignore my blonde hair and my fixation with my weight and appearance. Those things might make me seem superficial and "dumb" but I am very smart. I really am..

Ugh, I'm fat, I'm fat, so fat. And this is my blog, and I don't care how absurdly ridiculous I sound, so if you're going to leave me comments telling me that I need to learn to accept myself the way God made me, than don't bother because God did NOT make me this way. I made me this way. I became a glutton. I lost control of my "cleverly planned meals" and here I am. I slipped up. I suffered-- it's my fault, and God did NOT make me this way. He made me "beautiful" or whatever, but I messed it up. I ate and I put off exercising and I became lazy and UGH-- it's sad that I'm too lazy to want to fix this. I'd rather try to cut myself out of this skin and bleed to death. Not really, but UGHUGHUGHFREAKINGUGH. I am going to go plan to starve myself and forget about it by this time tomorrow when I will have already eaten 923482938324892 calories. Sheesh, I eat nowhere near that many. I eat 1500 or less everysinglefreakingday, but I still gain weight because my body is rebelling against me. UGH. There is no control is my life. None.

Hypocrisy

Tomorrow starts it.

And I'm doing this for you, for you who ignores me, disregards me, treats me like I don't belong. This is for you. This is what happens when you forget that I exist.

But it's for me, too. I need this, I need this, I need this.

It'll be hard, so hard. I've gotten used to living the way I do, and now I have to change it. Things won't be easy anymore. I won't get what I want. It'll be suffering, pure suffering. Even though as I'm sitting here now, full of everything that I say I despise but secretly love, I say I'll enjoy every minute of it, I won't. It will kill me. I will die from the inside out. But that was the point, I guess.

I hate the excitement that I feel right now because I know that it will die tomorrow morning when I have choices to make. It'll be easy to hide, but hard to accomplish. I'll be happy at the end. I'll win.

I really wish that I was graduating early. I don't have time to think about school anymore.

Ugh.

I've kept up with Graduation Project so far, but now it is killing me. I can't write speeches. I can't give a speech in front of people who will be judging me and determining whether I graduate or not--it's simply nerve-wrecking! And tomorrow, I have to make two visual aids and study for a huge calculus test and I should be studying right now, but I feel sick and tired and unwilling to do anything good for me.

Crap, I make so many mistakes.

Darnit, darnit, darnit, why can't I let anything go? I'm so selfish, and when I don't get what I want, I get angry and I start a fight. And then when I get what I want, when things change, I keep fighting. I extract flaws from people and put them in this huge book and then pull them out whenever I need to have something on them. And then I have huge, gossip sessions and spill out my heart because said person has done so much wrong to me and to everyone else. Hah, I am such a dirty liar.

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn’t budge
I tried to hold your hand but you’d rather hold your grudge

Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet
And hold the earth in place
Each time a faucet opens
Words are spoken
The water runs away
And I hear your name
No, nothing has changed

---

Bright Eyes, Gray Skies

And me I'm in my bedroom, drawing in my notebook
Because my hand thinks I'm an artist
But my heart knows I'm a poet
It's just words they mean so little to me
I can't seem to deal with total trust
There is something very wrong with me
--Bright Eyes

I'm strangely anti-social these days. I have so many opportunities, but why cling to someone when they'll only turn back to bite you? It scares me, people scare me. There used to be a lot of people that knew me, but now I'm different, and I don't wear it all on my sleeve. My thoughts are unrecognizable because I've changed my ways, and I've embraced how easy it is to hide.

I'm watching Celebrity Fit Club, and I hate this stupid woman on it right now because it's so easy for her to lose weight and she weighs less than I do and she shouldn't be on a stupid weight loss show and ughughgughguhgh, I hate this mindset, and I hate that I'm typing this, exposing it. I hate the weight that I've gained, the pathetic 20 extra pounds that have accumulated on my body since freshman year. I was so focused then, so determined... I can still look at my arms and say that I like them, that they're small, almost two small, although soft and offsetting when looked at with the rest of my body. I know that I'm my own worst critic, that no one looks at me like I look at myself, but do I really know that? I know that no one cares about it as much as I do, but I care. Isn't that enough to keep me going?

On a happier note, my Edward Cullen lights up my world more and more everyday..

I had a beautiful, beautiful time
The drives and the talks were amazing
The kind of friend I thought I'd never find
I had a beautiful, beautiful time
You have a beautiful, beautiful smile
The way it curls and collapses on your lips
When you touch me I shake like a child
It's late, I'm afraid you might leave
'Cause sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me
There's nothing I can do to concentrate
It's so distracting, always thinking of you
So I expose and explain and I meant everything I said
And it's moments like this that repeat and replay in my head
When I'm laying in bed
It's a beautiful, beautiful time
As you laugh and roll onto your stomach
The carpet embraces your design
My heart pounds as I lay by your side
And I find that I am unable to hide all these feelings that flow
In this basement, and in this dim light, you look so beautiful
I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you're near and I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try
--Bright Eyes

I'm Not Me Anymore

I am so completely different that I can hardly stand it! I used to want to be different, I used to detest the way I was, the things I did, but now I miss it, I need it, and ugggh, I can't even begin to describe what I feel right now.

First of all, I can't write. Every intelligent, poetic wave that used to exist in brain has now passed and I am completely and utterly stumped. Writing anything feels shameful because it's so plain and dull and boring. But, oh well. I guess I'm not seeking anyone's approval here, just typing to feel my fingers move.

Well, life is fast. It just flies by, and I barely have time to breathe. Right now, I am thinking about:

a) How far away Christmas break is- I'm measuring it by weekends and what each one will consist of. This weekend is full of work and time with my favorite person (but mostly work). Next weekend is the military ball that I probably won't be going to.. but truthfully, I don't care as much anymore. I want to go, but it's so much trouble, and I'm not pretty, my dress probably doesn't fit anymore, etc. I probably have work the next day. The next weekend, Christmas break begins! We have a half day, and I'm excited. Ah, it needs to happen NOW--and I need a new job.. blah.

b) My weight, my body, my face, my hair--I'm so self-absorbed, I know. I hate it all. I miss my friend, and I am starting to take medicine soon.

c) School work--I am falling so behind! I feel, I'm further ahead than a LOT of people, but not as far up as I should be... it used to be like breathing, and now I can't breathe anymore.

d) College--UNCG called me todaaay... eeek, Merit Scholarships! I need to learn to write again, rather than making lists.

e) Friendships--sorry guys.

f) Futures--I can't stop planning weddings in my head. I guess reading all of the Twilight books has sort of inspired that, but even before then--he was my Edward Cullen, he is my Edward Cullen, and... let God's will be done, as much as it scares me to say that.


Tomorrow is Thursday and I'm wearing sweat pants and going to the gym and reading Breaking Dawn and doing chemistry homework and watching Grey's Anatomy and it's going to be a GOOD DAY.. it has to be, I can't take bad days anymore.

---

I swapped my innocence for pride
Crushed the end within my stride
Said 'I'm strong now I know that I'm a leaver"
I love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds a blackened tear
And I am cold
Yes I'm cold
But not as cold as you are
I love the sound of you walking away

---

I am exhausted.

That's really all I have to say.

I have piles of homework that I'm too careless to do. I have a job that I work hard at, but I'm not respected enough to make the job worth having. I need to look for new jobs. Senior paper is due on Monday. Senior project is due soon after. I'll make college decisions soon--I need to work on scholarship applications. I need to speak Spanish more because I want to learn. I want to be fluent. Two days of being forced to speak in all Spanish in class made me want this. I wanted it before, but bookwork made me forget..

My relationships are failing because I'm too tired to care. I care, I just don't. I'm sorry...

Person A: I take you for granted. I get impatient and annoyed. You are my best friend, but you don't get the respect you deserve. I'm sorry. You know me, and you excuse my shortcomings too often--maybe you shouldn't cut me so much slack. I'm thankful for it, but I'm putting so much on you and it's not fair. Find a better best friend.

Person B: I can't stand our friendship. It's maddening. I want to be your friend, and you say you want to be mine, but it's like you don't care enough to put any sort of effort into it and then when you finally do decide to put something into it, I'm too bitter to notice. I can't stand how everyone thinks that you're so much better than everyone else

Hello,
it seems like I'm ruining you.
It breaks my heart to feel your eagerness
as I breathe, "I don't care."
I hope you know,
well, I hope you don't,
just realize that this cheapens you--
We were so different.
What now?

It was my idea,
it's always my idea.
I am the poison in your veins.
But taking away the danger
is much like taking candy from a stranger--
my chest tightens, I can't breathe.
Can't you see?
We weren't meant for this.
What now?

Hosea 2:14-15

(NLV)
"But then I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there."

(The Message)
"And now, here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to start all over again.
I'm taking her back out into the wilderness
where we had our first date, and I'll court her.
I'll give her bouquets of roses.
I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She'll respond like she did as a young girl."

(Amplified Bible)
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.
There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there."



This weekend, I died. Or perhaps, I was already dead. I just didn't know it. But death becomes quite evident when surrounded by mass amounts of life. There was a stir in my heart, an unaccepted catalyst, which stone chose not to react to.. but it was still there. Amidst the apathy, it was still there. I'm so thirsty, so needy, so completely broken. There were words whispered that I did not understand, screams that I did not understand, yet they brought the bigness wave of sadness I have ever experienced, a sadness too heavy to produce tears or public emotion, a sadness so deep that it was unable to be expressed. But there was still peace, a peace that truly surpasses human understanding because I no idea how I could have felt any such thing among the sadness which held my heart.

The desert, the wilderness: it is my sadness. And He is speaking to my heart in some way, although I can barely tell. I guess He's in the process of transforming my valley of troubling into a door of hope because right now, right at this very moment, it hurts so much. I can't even complete my thoughts.

Downward Spiral

Tedium is the worst pain, so here I am, throwing things out of wack! The destroyer, he speaks to me: "Be, be, be!" but then he laughs because I can't. He feeds me temptation once every 5 minutes, force feeds me, mind you. I don't get a choice anymore. Desire is the only thing left.

That's all dumb, so dumb, but it doesn't really matter. It's just like my footsteps on the pavement, my car door slamming shut, my hot tears, my ruined makeup. Meaningless, I say. Meaningless.

It's times like these when I wish I had no heart to have broken because now I'm overexposed and-- what do I do? I stand across from you, away from familiarity, and I just can't handle this. Tension fills the room, and I feel ugly inside my skin. Do you feel ugly too? Do you know what you're saying? Is all of you there? When did you go away? And when did you become so, so, so... ugh. When I become so, so, so... stupid? Is it right for me to break from these walls which enclose my secrets, my grudges? Because you dented me, you cracked me! I am damaged goods, damaged property! So what? So what if I've seen a little bit too much of the world? So freaking what!? Have you forgotten about his forgiveness?

I say too much.

But not enough.









I gave up today.



Dashboard Confessional.

What you've found sure upsets you
Never saw it coming did you?
Its easy to be surprised with both your eyes sewn closed
Handled with great precision, another thoughtless execution
You're the subject of this exhibition
A willing cadaver, a willing cadaver.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.

These cuts are leaving creases
Trace the scars, fit the pieces
Tell your story, you don't need to say a word.
Call off the cavalry, can't save a wretch like me.
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to stand and fight
There's something better wrong with you

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to fire right
There's something better wrong with you

Your pulse is anemic, you're tired of the fire
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.
And no one is waiting for you.
And no one is waiting for you.

Call off your quarantine, can't save the rest from me
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scalpel, Sutured.
Made whole again.

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to stand and fight
There's something better wrong with you

--

Bright Eyes.

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
The sunrise and the sunsets.
You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
The sunrise and the sunsets
You realize then you forget what you've been trying to retain.
But everybody knows that it is all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
She raised her hands in the air, asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
Cause you've changed.
Yeah, you've changed.
Sunrises, sunsets.
You're hopeful then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there's a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're manic or you're depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she'd stay?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're either coming or you just left but you're always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It's a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There is no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won't know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it's true, the trick is complete.
Become everything you said you never would be.
You're a fool! You're a fool!
Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset, sunrises, sunsets.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
and put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?

--

crashcrashcrashburncrash.

Imagine Pageant

I'm going to write a letter to you..
And then you will die.

Haligh, haligh, haligh for you.
[I don't want you to die.]

Mia, please don't intervene. No matter how many times I say I'm done with strength... I don't want people to be disappointed in me, you know? You're all about the approval of others. Isn't this how we got started? You were an Ana, but then you changed your name, you changed your game-- becoming Mia kept you alive [in me]. I swear, I thought you were dead [in me], but I crave to dance with you again. Bring bones back to me, bring bones back to me.

Just when you think you have everything you need, you throw it away for an addiction. That's how life goes, it works in circles-- become, collapse, become collapse, become....

crash.

And the circle loses any sort of velocity.

God, I know that you've saved me, but my heart won't let you be bigger than this (destroy my heart, destroy my heart, please)-- it's not about beauty, it's a loss of control. Control me, control me. Loosen the reigns of anything else.

The right way is never putting in what you don't want to take out.

Stupid, stupid me.

It's too late.

I take and I take and I take and I.. [can you stop, please?]

And home means routine.

1. Go inside
2. Stare at shelves
3. Take
4. Take
5. Take
6. [pause.]
7. Take
8. Want to die
9. Cry
10. Become irritable
11. Yell at people
12. Take out or want to die more
13. Continue to want to die

sdjfjaskjaskfjkasjfkasjfksajkfsjklaklajjfafaksfjakfjsal (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I'm happy except for this one part of me that takes over my whole soul in times like RIGHT NOW, but I can't tell you because you need to be happy and I CAN'T be the one to keep you from it. Please be happy and say I'm fine, always fine, OK? I didn't want to fake smiles for you, but I don't smile very much and and and you like when I do and and and here, here you go. They've all been real so far, so this is just a warning-- until 10% of me disappears, I will NOT be happy. But I will, I will.. I keep contradicting myself, but you've got a hold over me that I can't describe or control or replace.

Stupid 10% of me.......

Bone

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal:
To gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad,
But me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try,
Don't you see it in my eyes?

I don't get how my head works. Or my heart. Sometimes, I don't know which is which.

You're in it, you're in it. I fall asleep with you, but my dreams are discomforting. When I see your face I smile, but all I see on you is the smile I saw in my dreams-- for her, not for me. You love me, you accept me, and it hurts sometimes to have so much so far in advance because most things have a limit. The limit as variable la approaches forever is... high school? UGH. I should be accepting, I should let things fall into place, but you're too much. Five words cross my mind for the wrong reasons. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I feel completely vulnerable and (happy?), and I've before felt what I feel know. It scares me, it scares me, and I'm the type to cop out of scary experiences. Five words, five words-- so commonly said, but they could change my forever in a way that I don't want it to be changed. I can't let it be changed. I can't say these words, let weakness overtake a unit that is yet to be formed. Lines dance through my head, but I can't make them clear for you. Pictures fade into a snowy screen. Tedium remains the worst pain, although stillness is desired.

I want to get through Tuesday-- it determines the rest of my month, and I hate it for that. Come November, I will be free.

An Attempt to Tip the Scales

I don't have the words anymore.
I am a professional when it comes to putting out fires.

.333

I can't take
these bruises you afflict
in that unintentional way
that makes me ask you to stay
a little longer,
love a little harder
before time runs out.
Because it will (Won't it?).

You take me in,
I pull you out--
this cycle has yet
to be figured out.
How can I
How can you
How can we
make this last?

I can't put you out of my mind.
I can't speak the words that describe
the way my heart beats,
my stomach turns,
my hands shake,
my eyes burn--
so your face won't be interrupted with shades of black.
How could I ever put you in the past?

Walls come crashing down.
The weight crushes me.
You say it's not your fault,
but when did you ever try to save me?

Never.

Human hands cannot heal,
human strength cannot strike
this disease,
my torture chamber.

-

But love, love, love--
the greatest is love.
Where is this love
that you verbally profess?

Nowhere.

"Kill me with the love that you won't give to me, and pack the wound with salt--I want to feel it bleed."

Colors, colors, everywhere
Some floating, some sticking,
filling in my blanks--
how will You color me today?
Will I be cold and grey?

This is not me.

Walking, walking, everywhere
I am unaware of every step
that moves me forward, pulls me back--
where will You take me today?
Should I go or should I stay?

This is not me.

I'm on the outside looking in,
You've taken me away.
My skin is gone, my spirit is
unraveling--
like a ball of yarn, an organized mess.

You straighten me out.

I am nothing but a line,
making progress, reaching skyward
so I may get to You.
Oh, if only I could get to You.
Oh, please let me get to You.

You fill me.

All words fall away.
I am empty and the light goes through,
brushing the edges, painting the walls--
You paint my path,
speaking to me in words that I cannot understand.

Pull me under.

I want to be submerged,
immersed, saturated.
The chains are gone, yet I am immovable,
heavy as I am soaked through--
I overflow.

I

love

you.

Thirsty at thirteen,
I found you.
Been falling in and out ever since.
Now I'm sickly at seventeen,
I can hardly remember where I've been,
where I've been.

I cry out,
you sit still.
They say it's all for your good will.
Everything goes according to your plan,
but when will you show me who I am,
who I am?

"Why did you let Sin take you by the hand?"

[silence]

"I told you to call for me. I told you I would answer! He may seem understanding, but it is a perverted, misshapen form of understanding, far off from the truth that I have given to me. So, why did you let him take you by the hand?"

"He was so loud and quick--I didn't know how to stop him. He ran circles around me, making me feel faint. I had to grab his hand to hold on. I didn't want to fall."

"So, fall into me. Why did you not fall into me?"

"I couldn't see you."

"Does that mean that I am not with you?"

"Yes... I mean.. No... I mean.."

I still can't feel you.

Test

I read your letter,
full of my letters.
Your twisted mind
makes my stomach turn.
You say I know you better
than anyone.
But the truth is:
I don't know you at all.

You send me secret messages
full of notes you've composed.
Is your lack of sanity
something for you to boast?
Your definition of communication
is a one-sided madness.
You've blocked me from entering.
Are you really there?

Do you laugh when I pray for you?
Do I lie when I say that love is not forgotten,
yet changed as things progress?
I can't let myself slip when I'm around you.
All my movements are in time, in time, in time...

You're so blind, so blind, so blind.
How can you lie, lie, lie?

It's bright where I am,
a kind of bright you've never known.

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am



And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile
I already know that I am



I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate



A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone



Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad you that can forgive
Only hoping as time goes
You can forget

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way



And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out



It's as cold as a tomb
And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
To pour salt in your wounds



So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget
So you can forget
You can forget

You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones



Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke



You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can



You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins



Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget

If I wanted to make a list of the things that make me feel whole, I couldn't.
I'm not sad, I'm just down.

I can't see the big picture.

You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton
No more sleepwalking dead"
You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget
As you try to find some source of light
Try to name one thing you like
You used to have such a longer list
And light, you never had to look for it
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
--Bright Eyes

Sharpened Nails Seem Softer

You're breaking my heart...

Never have I meant those words in the way that I mean them now.

I need to get away. I can't see clearly here. You put a thick fog on reality. Before, it was all in my head, and now it's in front of my face. I'm living on the verge of tears for you, and you won't even see it.

I want to be sick.

This is why I build my walls. All of my life I've loved you and now you're dying. Can't anyone else see?

Imagine a pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the filth

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

You're singing it too.

1 Chronicles 29:13-15

"O our God, we thank you and praise your glorious name! But who am I, and who are my people, that we could give anything to you? Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us! We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace."


It's funny how tasks that seem so impossible are really the simplest tasks of them all. Just a few words take all strength to say. Is saying, "I'm sorry," a miracle in your eyes?

Do It Alone

I don't want to lie to you, but I have to because it's the only way that we can be OK. So maybe I'm not OK, but that doesn't really matter. Has anyone ever really cared? Even if they have, they shouldn't have. I don't need to be cared about when there are so many people in the world whose suffering is so abundant that I can hardly begin to imagine the depths of it. That's what you think, right? Every time I begin to confide in you, you back away from my emotional attachment and tell me tales of the greatest hardships. I'm not physically bruised and my past isn't that dark. Grandma died and then Dad's heart broke, so I got a boyfriend because I needed a "man" in my life that wasn't completely blinded by sorrow. But then it turned out that I wasn't ready to move as quickly as this relationship required, so then the self harm started. It began as a tool of manipulation, but then it became real to me. I began to hide it. When I was at my weakest, the pain made me forget. The bleeding was my way of crying when crying felt foolish. Crying still feels foolish sometimes. I eventually let you find out.. sort of. When I was called into the guidance counselor's office that day with no way to hide the affliction, I knew that it was going to happen. Still, it felt like a blow to the head when she put you on the phone. I don't even remember what happened after that, but the road was rocky and scary. I didn't like you, or anything really, expect for instant satisfaction, self-afflicted wounds and lust. I liked to showcase the curves that I didn't care about. I liked to be dramatic and needy and "too much." Life got better eventually. I went to see Susan and I went to church and then God spoke to me. I gave my life to him, my problems to him, my negativity to him, and I was SO HAPPY. But then the happiness became routine. Complacency set in, and I didn't remember how to feel. So I grabbed hold of the world, I grabbed hold of a boy, and I came tumbling down. I was on my couch crying with the scissors, every single day. Everything was meaningless because I stepped off of the path to the high places and began to venture back to the valley of humiliation. Eventually, I gave up the scissors and found a new way to take up time. I could make it as complicated or as simple as I wanted to, and it seemed to make people like me. It was perfect, it was my best friend. And then 35 pounds later, I was hungry and out of control. I humbled myself before God the summer before my sophomore year and things were beginning to look bright again. I felt so purified and new and open. But then I let myself trip back into the world with another guy, a guy that lied to steal my time, and I forgot about God. All I knew was a lie. Love was a lie because "love" called me stupid, cursed at me, spat on me, and made my sorrows run like rain through my eyes. But it was "love" and "love" means sacrifice, so I sacrificed, but I gave up the wrong thing. I gave up on God, my sustainer, my healer. And my old best friend came back in an even worse form that continues to haunt me. But I know that only God can save me. You know that only God can save me. Yet you throw me into a dry place where thousands of people drink mirages. Please, let me find my own way..

Habakkuk 3:19

"'But it is so happy to love,' said the Shepherd quietly. 'It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant.'

Much-Afraid thought suddenly that he had the most patient eyes that she had ever seen. At the same time there was something in them that hurt her to the heart, though she could not have said why, but she still shrank back in fear and said (bringing the words out very quietly because somehow she was ashamed to say them), 'I would never dare love unless I were sure of being loved in return. If I let you plant the seed of Love in my heart will you give me the promise that I shall be loved in return? I couldn't bear it otherwise.'

The smile he turned on her them was the gentlest and kindest she had ever seen, yet once again, and for the same indefinable reason as before, it cut her to the quick. 'Yes,' he said, without hesitation, 'I promise you, Much-Afraid, that when the plant of Love is ready to bloom in your heart and when you are ready to change your name, then you will be loved in return.'

A thrill of joy went through her from head to foot. It seemed too wonderful to be believed, but the Shepherd himself was making the promise, and of one thing she was quite sure. He could not lie. 'Please plant Love in my heart now,' she said faintly. Poor little soul, she was still Much-Afraid even when promised the greatest thing in the world.

The Shepherd put his hand in his bosom, drew something forth, and laid it in the palm of his hand. Then he held his hand out toward Much-Afraid. 'Here is the seed of Love,' he said. It was true, just as he had said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was the stronger. She thought of the Shepherd's words, 'It is so happy to love,' and her pale, sallow cheeks suddenly glowed pink and her eyes shone. For a moment Much-Afraid did not look afraid at all. The twisted mouth had relaxed into a happy curve, and the shining eyes and pink cheeks made her almost beautiful.

'Thank you, thank you,' she cried, and knelt at the Shepherd's feet. 'How good you are. How patient you are, There is no one in the whole world as good and kind as you. I will go with you to the mountains. I will trust you to make my feet like hinds' feet, and to set me, even me, upon the High Places.'

'I am more glad even than you,' said the Shepherd, 'and now you really act as though you are going to change your name already. But there is one thing more I must tell you. I shall take you to the foot of the mountains myself, so that there will be no danger from your enemies. After that, two special companions [it turns out that they are called Sorrow and Suffering] I have chosen will guide and help you on all the steep and difficult places while your feet are still lame and while you can only limp and go slowly.

'You will not see me all the time, Much-Afraid, for as I told you, I shall be leaping on the mountains and skipping on the hills, and you will not at first be able to accompany me or keep up with me. That will come later. However, you must remember that as soon as you reach the slopes of the mountains there is a wonderful system of communication from end to end of the Kingdom of Love, and I shall be able to hear you whenever you speak to me. Whenever you call for help I promise to come to you at once.'"

--Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

The No Seat Belt Song [or part of it]

So, it's sad this doesn't suit you now.
And me fresh out of rope...
Please ignore the lisp, I never meant to sound like this.
So take me and break me and make me strong like you.
I'll be forever grateful to this and you.

It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose it's only you.

Fix me to a chain around your neck and wear me like a nickel.
Even new wine served in old skins cheapens the taste.
I shot the pilot, now I'm begging you to fly this for me.
I'm here for you to use, broken and bruised.
Do you understand?

It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose, it's only you.
But how could I miscalculate...
perfect eyes will have perfect aim.
If I can choose, it's only you.

This comfort zone that I found you once in no longer enough for our relationship to be true and deep as it should be. The ache this creates kills me, but I have nothing left to propel me forward. I'm sorry that I'm so down like this, so pitiful, so broken, but can you build me up again? Can you make me strong like you? You are everything, you are everything, and I will rejoice in you, only you. The control I once thought I had is lost, and I need your guidance. I'm begging you to breathe your life into me, so that I may have a purpose. You are my purpose, my reason, and I am lost without your perfect love. You see me in my struggles, and you know why I must suffer. Please show me how I must choose, show me the steps I need to take, the hills I need to climb. It's only you, it's only you.

Our Storm

I'll talk to you here, although you'll never see this. I'll tell you things here that I cannot and will not tell you otherwise.

We've been through a lot, but I've been on my own lately. I guess that's part of growing up, but you know how you have the urge to call G all of the time and talk to her? I don't think that I'll ever have that with you. I know that I'll probably end up missing you eventually, but things are just so dark with us right now. We get close enough for me to want more, but then you withdraw completely. It makes me feel so stupid... like you don't want me. But at the same time, you want me to believe everything that you believe. When I begin to have my own views and my own ideas, you reject them completely. How can I ever grow if you condemn my growth? How can I ever leave this desert if you are keeping locked in? Sure it was a beach once, and it was fun, but the water has dried up and it's nothing more than sand and hot air. Can't you see it? I really don't get how you don't see it. I don't get how you sit in the front row every Sunday and pray for strangers when you don't even acknowledge your own family. You want me to be successful because you get a kick out of it. That's it, that's all, that's the only thing that I can do for you. I'm not allowed to be flawed. Whenever I ask you about things, you scream that you can't be around my failure, my doubts. You don't want to be exposed to it. But you had me. You had me. You can't just have me and tell me that you love me everyday and then leave me to deal with this all by myself. You don't even know the extent of it anymore. I can't tell you because you won't get it. You won't take it. You'll just explode and kill me or something. I don't even know. You'll tell him. He'll blame me for more things. He'll cry about how much I hate him and blah blah blah. That fight yesterday was so bad and it was all my fault. I am destroying the unity that God intended for you to have with him, but... I don't know. I'm sorry. He just hates me. He always has. Remember that time he slapped me? It was because he knew I was right and he was mad. He's always liked the others more. He's always had more problems with me. It's hard sometimes. I sat in the back and looked at the four of you today and you all looked so perfect, so unified. Whenever I'm there, I just mess things up. As soon I met up with you, there was an argument. I told you that people didn't see me and you screamed that they did, but how could you know when you don't even see me? Maybe I do try to make myself invisible, but shouldn't you at least try? I know I build up walls, but can you climb for me? I can build them, but I can't break them. I don't even really want to build them anymore, but I've got this huge burning secret inside and I can't control it and it's pulling me to build more and more and more. And the bricks are heavy and they're pushing me further and further and further down. You say that I've looked "sulky" lately, but it's more than that. I can't breathe anymore! I just want to die sometimes because it would make things so much easier for you and everyone else. You wouldn't have to deal with my "demands" or my "episodes." Your throat wouldn't ever hurt anymore because you wouldn't have anyone to scream at. There wouldn't be any fights because I start all of the fights. And you could spend more time on the others. You could give them more of what they need. You would have more resources. I prayed so hard yesterday, that God would just knock me out somewhere before you came and found me where I was hiding. I'm tired of dealing with this and knowing that everything is my fault. Everything is my fault...

Please try to understand: on days like this, I can't breathe. Please, don't love me and leave me instantly. You said that I've looked sad lately. Well, I have. So why provoke it? Why judge me and prod and poke at me like I'm a dirty animal in a petting zoo? You had me, and sometimes I wonder why. I bet you wonder why every single day. It's hard living up to be what you never were. It would be so easy to just give up and let myself get so sick that you'd have to send me away. Going away seems so nice and easy....

I Can Give You No Love, Only Dead-lift of Pain

I was ready to give it all,
but you caught me in mid-fall,
bringing me back to complacency,
or lower, I mean.
I mistook that look as a cry for help.
"Someone save me from myself!"
Well...
you broke my heart and I killed yours.
You torment me, pouring salt on my sores,
yet I am still the double-edged razor.
Would you crawl through broken glass to me?

Rain

Hi.

It feels weird talking to you because we don't really talk that often anymore, and I never know what to say, but hi. I missed you. I still miss you, sort of. I mean, you're always with me and everything, even if I never acknowledge you or think about you, you're there all the time, and even though I'm talking to you RIGHT NOW, it's like, wow, where are you? It makes no sense at all. I feel like I'm in this big glass box, like I could talk and talk and talk forever, and you wouldn't talk back or hear me or see me. I know that you're kind, I know that you love me, but can you see me? Can you feel me? Can you touch me? Please? I'm dying in here, all by myself, running around in big manic circles in this big stupid box that I made out of lies and secret sins. Part of me wants to say, "How dare you for leaving me this way!" but I know that it is all my doing. I have all of those stupid black marks on my heart, and I secretly think that they're gorgeous. The thought of getting rid of them and having the clean, pure beautiful heart that you intended for me to have is scary and I can't even imagine living without my gorgeous marks of evil that have been my best friends for so long.

Wow. I just need you to hold me. I know that I've been lazy and bad and stupid, but can we just put stuff on pause for a second? I forgot what it feels like to be held by you. I see certain people and go certain places and I get this longing. It has become so foreign and lost that I can't even put a name or label on it, but when I go home and put my walls away, I know it's you. All of the things that I fill myself with are nothing without you. All of my extensive plans and fits of careful organization are sickening without the meaning that you once instilled in my life.

Whatever happened to that meaning, man? What is it? Where did I put it? How did I go wrong? I wanted something tangible, so I dove headfirst back into the world and then the tangible vessel which I desired moved back a couple of steps, and I was right back in the ground where I started. I remember being in my room, on my couch, with my face pressed against the cushions, crying and crying with a pair of scissors in my hand. That was me needing you. You knew, you know. Today, I'm crying in the bathroom, and you know. I need you. I don't just want you, I don't just crave you. I NEED YOU more than anything, more than life itself.

I'm so sick now, with my thoughts racing back and forth. I think about my mom, I think about my next meal, I think about my guilt, I think about that next meal going to waste, I think about my friends, I think about the monster that is growing inside of my head and my heart, speaking lies to me constantly, "You need this, you need me. This is amazing, this is better than anything that you have ever known..." "No, never! I never needed you, I never needed this. I need my best friend back, I need his presence to cover me and make me into something meaningful. I need his grace like rain."

Oh, how true it is. I am lost, I am in agony. I am mourning the death of myself.

Please come back and save me. Please show me what I need to do. Please make me willing, make me ready to move forward. I want so many things. I want to be free from this, I want to be well again, I want to live. But let your will be done. Whatever it is, man. Let your will be done.

Life, Don't Be Still

Something is missing.

I have no idea who I am.

And I'm wicked thirsty.
I'm dying without the Water that I need to survive.

Why don't I run to Him?
Why am I stuck in this silly circle that I criticize so often?

These fits of panic and rage grow old quickly.

I'm tired of being the terrible ice queen that I have become: unable to cry, unable to feel.
I'm tired of being sick.

My heart yearns for what I will not seek.

Oh, rescue me. I forgot how to find You. I love you, I love you. I swear, I swear.


Some things that I need to say to certain people before I go insane:

1. I am so thankful for you right now, even though I will never be sure of where we stand. I want you to be my best friend, but there is this incredible doubt that hovers over the security of our friendship. I want to grow closer to you and never stop growing closer to you. I seriously love you, and love is a hard word for me to say, especially towards someone that I have known for such a short period of time in the way that I have known you.

2. I want to be able to talk to you without feeling like I have to impress you. But every time we talk, I get so anxious, trying to make you like me that I don't act like myself. I feel like you like everyone in our "group" except for me and are constantly trying to replace me and leave me out. And I like you, I really do. I just don't know about anything anymore. I feel bad having these feelings towards you, but I'm weird... sorry. That's no excuse really. I just want to feel like I matter when I'm around you.

3. You are fading in my eyes. And I have faded in yours. Things aren't like they used to be, and I hate it. Actually, things have never been the way I imagined that a relationship with the title that we give ours should be. We need to be honest with each other and tell each other things and not let the other find out eventually through 34329840 other people. There should be no "awkward" with us. We've been through so much and should be able to talk about so much, but we can't. I tell you things and you don't understand. You tell me nothing. You get how I work, mostly, and I'm so thankful for that. You put up with my crap because you know how I'm wired. You defend me. And I do the same for you. I just.. don't ever want to lose this, you know? Have we lost it yet?

4. You are a character. I see so much of myself in you that it hurts to watch sometimes. I used to have a spirit as alive and new as yours is, but I ruined it by letting life hit me too hard in some of the ways that life is hitting you right now. Please be careful. Don't ever let your fire fade.

5. I don't know you at all. I don't see how anyone can. You make yourself seem so simple, but you really aren't at all. You lie about things to make life easier for everyone else, but you forget to take care of yourself. It's scary to think about it sometimes. Are your decisions really what you make people think they are? Are you truly committing to something or are you slanting the truth to make people happy? I can't get you. Talking to you is always interesting, though.

6. I am blessed to know someone like you. I don't come anywhere near to deserving a friend like you. Words can't even describe how thankful I am for you. You have stayed with me through all of my low points, even when I treated you like crap. Woaaaah, I love you. I wish I could do more for you because I owe you times 29348204820.

7. I take you for granted too often. I mess with your head because I think I can. I don't treat you well enough because I know you'll take it. I don't deserve you and it tears me up inside when I think about it. I don't understand why we are in the relationship that we are in because you could be devoting the time and energy that you devote to me to someone who would treat you so much better. You're amazing, gifted, adorable, and so many other things. I wish you would stop comparing yourself to other people because you're pretty much perfect to me. I am so thankful for you, but not thankful enough. I wish that I could pour into you the way that you have poured into me.

8. We've been nice to each other off/on. You're in my life a lot sometimes, but you always seem to duck out of it without much warning. I want to be "real friends." We've been through a lot of similar things, and I want to talk about them. I prayed with you once and I still pray that all of those things will happen. I want to grow closer to you. You're incredibly cool.

9. We need to talk. I felt so chill with you before, but you're starting to seem so fake to me. Dude, come back and be real. This wishy-washy friendship that we have sucks.

10. I miss your amazing friendship. You are so life-giving and positive. You always seem to be growing and learning new things. And you're never slow to share the things that God has shown you. I love it, and I need more people like you in my life. We just always get really close and then fall apart. It's dumb :/

So Long and Goodnight

"It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself. It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of 'sick'. It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that ends up mocking no one more than you. It is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end makes you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women. It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained - and in the end, of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite. These contradictions begin to split a person in two. Body and mind fall apart from each other..."




So keep yourself intact because I won't be coming back. In a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you.

Spiritual Warfare

I cannot be rid of it unless I fully surrender it. He knows, He sees, He hears. I told Him that I don't want it anymore. But I still have it. Man. I have to tell her. That's part of surrendering, I guess. Because if she knew, she'd do everything to make sure that I didn't have it anymore. That scares me. So I guess if I'm scared of losing it, then I'm not giving it up. Logic sucks.

It's 1 AM. I got off the phone an hour ago. I'm too exhausted from this thorn in my flesh to move, too exhausted to sleep. It has become such a large part of me that I don't know where to stop. I want to stop.

Wow.

What do I have if I don't have you, Jesus? What in this life could mean any more?
Nothing, nothing.

Everything is meaningless.
There is no life without Him.
I feel dead.
I felt so alive, but now I feel so dead.

Oh, make me bold.
Beat me down with a stick until I learn what it's like to really suffer.
I am so unworthy.


Please die ana
For as long as you're here, we're not
You make the sound of laughter
And sharpened nails seem softer


It has become so much of me that I no longer exist. It has hidden it's pain and end results with false beauty and manipulation.

Holy Spirit, pray what needs to be prayed. I don't know anymore. Thank God for You.

I was in the hallway, making my rounds. Every day for as long as I could remember, I would start at the end of the hallway and knock on every door, excluding the one at the very end of the hallway, in the center. The cracks under each of the doors that I knocked on revealed no source of light, but I prided myself in standing tall in the darkness. Outwardly, I was strong, I was tough, and I was threatening. But inwardly, I was no more than a black hole.

I've Been Dirtier Than You Wanna Know

We were in an empty room. The walls were blank and there was no pressure from the outside. We were not close, but close enough to feel each other's body heat. He was incredibly, strangely warm. And he was so clean and proper, yet simultaneously disheveled and casual. There are people that you meet in this world that seem to glow with life when you speak to them, but none could compare to him. His illumination filled my world and for that moment, my heart's previous, superficial desires were quieted and all I wished to do was capture a single beam of his light. I wanted to hold it in my hand, touch it to my heart, and let it fill me as I had never been filled before. He knew my thoughts and took my hand. I resisted, for I did not know him anymore. He was beautiful and gentle, but he was a stranger to me. As I pulled back, he continued in his advances, never ceasing to reach out to me. I eventually gave in, and let my fingers become woven in between his. As we sat like this, holding hands, I felt as if I had caught some of the light that I craved. I shakily stroked his palm with my thumb and felt the familiar scar. We turned to look at each other and his eyes were large and sad. I looked at the box down at the box, which rested at our feet, and thought about the gift that lay inside of it. Once again, he knew my thoughts.

"I cut out my heart for you," he said.

I sat in silence, staring at the box.

Hello, hello,
Get off my back.
You've got me so pressured,
I might collapse.
What good would I be
if I couldn't breathe?
How would you live
vicariously
through me?
See?
You need me.
This is parental dependence reversed.
Yes, I've rehearsed.
I wanted it to be clear
when these words hit your ears.
Although you won't admit
you'll never quit
relying on the things I do,
all the different attitudes.
It breaks your heart
when I start
to sound like you,
to reason as you do.
I've never understood
how it's for my own good
to build a life in unhappiness,
to avoid every form

A Bed, A Book, And His Absence In Between

Two days of obsession
have led to an overall depression
that I cannot, will not, must not shake.
I know this digression
only adds to the many transgressions
thus making me, naming me, proclaiming me as fake.

I say, I say,
I will end this today.

But
Words are only words.
Weight is only weight.
Time is only time,
and I am running late.

They said you'd take this,
but I continue to break this
vessel you've provided;
I am a human divided
in two.
What can I do?

You say, you say
just end this today.

But words are only words.
Weight is only weight.
Time is only time,
and I am indefinitely late.

I say, I say
goodbye.
You say, you say
but why?

Words are only burns.
Weight is only pain.
Time is just a game,
and I am no longer playing.

1

1

9

.

8

Kill me.

Deal With It

I'm cold, and I can't express my thoughts the way that I want to.

I whine, I whine, I whine.
I fade, I fade, I fade.
I fall into the numbers as they rise.
How can I accept letting go of my life?
I see sunshine, but I am being pulled away.
I sit on the floor in dismay.
How can I do this another day?
It's sick, it's sick.
I make myself sick.
As the clock ticks,
I can only focus on this.
I cannot love you today
if I am this way.
Unconditional love?
It is all I wish to give,
so how can I live
when I am this way,
unable to love, unable to pray?
My prayers are dissolved into insolent pleas:
Please let me be, let me be, let me be...
I see
that I am on the edge, dancing with death,
bordering on the cessation of breath,
but what can I do anymore
when life has become such a bore?
I shudder at every knock on the door.
Every pat on the back,
telling me to relax
feels like a threat,
filling me with regret.
Are these people on to me?
Can they see what I can see?
Oh no, it cannot be.
They cannot tell
that these dizzy spells
tend to serve me well.
Stumbling a mile
brings only a smile
as I strain
to get rid of the gain
that covers my frame
in flesh and in shame.
I whine, I whine, I whine.
I fade, I fade, I fade.

Oculus

Eyes, eyes,
all you are is eyes.
You see so much,
you see inside
of me
every time I let myself breathe.

When I made building walls an art,
you ripped them all apart.
How can I even start
to hide from you?

When secrets become well kept
you prove them to be inept
as you always intercept
to find what's true.

Your eyes, your eyes,
I pray they never go blind
because no one else
would ever find
life
in this endless strife.

The Beginning

As I look out across the ocean, the breeze blows in my direction, lifting a salty mist up from the water and cooling my skin. I look down at the wet curls which have finally grown long enough to cover the soaked material of my bathing suit which clings to my pale chest. My body is a mystery to me: forever changing, forever growing. I wrap my arms around my waist as if to control the evolvement which for so long has been my enemy, but then let go. Why should I fight this? Why should I run from these marks of womanhood that God has blessed me with? When they existed previously, I was too young to understand, but now adult life lingers around the corner. It's time to grow up, to stop playing the role of the rueful rag doll and become something genuine. As much as I hate to admit it, I am the most dependent person that I know. Depending on God is a necessity, but the worldly dependence which I have allowed to become my identity needs to stop.

I don't even know how to finish this because it hardly makes sense to me. When you live in the mirror for so long, reality is backwards and confusing. I want to carry this thought, this idea which is based on pure simplicity, and make a life out of it. I know that this isn't just me, this isn't something that I have come up with on my own. This is God, this is God speaking to me. He speaks through the ocean, the breeze, the sun which warms my back. He speaks through my body, the way my feet sink into the sand as the tide comes in.

I need to listen.

Remember More Than You'd Like to Forget

Jeremy, remember me?
You placed your hands so carelessly
on my skin, I was thirteen.
Jeremy, how could you leave?
You were the first to get to me,
to get in me, I was only thirteen,
thirteen.

There were so many lies about drugs and sex,
so many razorblades against wrists.
How could you let it come to this?
How could you leave me such a mess?

Thirteen, thirteen,
and I caused such a scene.
How could I not scream?
Three days later
and you had her on her knees.
What about me? Jeremy?

When I looked back before,
I painted life as a bore,
but you made it so much more,
pouring salt on every sore
and open wound.
You dished it out with a silver spoon
as your fingers danced under the full moon.

Oh, Jeremy,
please stay out of my memories.
Leave me now, so I can sleep.
Leave me now, so I can be
open,
so I can speak the words
that need to be spoken.

Love Me Dead

Love me cancerously
Like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
'High-maintenance' means
You're a gluttonous queen
Narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically
Fill my soul with vomit
Then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb
You're my sugarplum.
You're awful, I love you!

CHORUS
She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
And when her edges soften
Her body is my coffin
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

You're a faith-healer on T.V.
You're an office park without any trees
Corporate and cold
Gushing for gold
Leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin' my heart
You call me up drunk
Does the fun ever start?
You're hideous and sexy!

REPEAT CHORUS

Must be the sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead! Love me dead!

SOLO

Love me cancerously
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
How's your new boy?
Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the beast.
You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

REPEAT CHORUS

Wha' 'bout that sign on my head
That says, oh...
Love me dead!




I am terrible and fall in love with terrible songs.

Red-streaked screen. Blood is all we want. Let's draw a little blood. Don't be morbid. Why not? Carving. You carve? Hearts and x's on your arm? That's sexy. Who is that J for, darling? My name is Jeremy, but you just met me. Maybe you should stop this carving, those drugs, that insane jealousy. We hardly know each other. You kissed my ear, but never my lips. You always talked about how your favorite place to be kissed was right behind the ear. With a glance at a dollar, your hands go wild. Where is my dollar, girl? Let's find it. Is it here or is it here? I'll look both places. Are you going to let me...? Are you going to let me? Look at the fireworks, Jeremy. Just watch them with me, please! Fireworks. I'll show you fireworks. Please, don't touch me there. I've never even been... Please, stop. Uhh. Why won't you speak to me? Your hands spoke to me only yesterday. I was thirteen. Thirteen. I didn't feel a thing, but I was shaking. I was scared. How can you leave me after that? I'm scared. Don't accuse me of anything. You liked it. I lie. All you care about is God. No, all I care about is blood. I reach more people this way. We share knifes and secrets in the bathroom while soldiers watch and don't say a word. I feel like I'm free. I don't feel like I need this anymore! Can I share? Your experiences are too morbid for the children's ears. Morbid, morbid, I... still... need... it. Where is she? She's not coming. So, I'm alone? Yes. How alone? The blood stains the white porcelain sinks of the church bathroom, but it will never stain me. I'll hide it and you'll never know. I'll know. Who are you? You know me. You've always known me, yet you run from me. What? Who are you? I am, I am. Come back to me. But I... need this. No, you don't. You don't need this, you don't need anything or anyone. I am and I will heal you. But look at my arm. Look at my legs. Look at my body which I have chosen to break for this! How can you heal something so disfigured? I know you, I made you. I can break you and build you up again. I'm sorry. I know that You can, I know that You will.. please help me. Please restore me. It is done, it is done.

Can it be done again?

Knife Going In

If I don't recover
Sell this house and find
Something lost outside your window
Not forever
But on the night I die
I swear
I'll sleep outside your window
I feel the knife going in
I'm feeling anxious
Not enough to kill me
I thought it'd happen fast
But I'm feeling it now and I feel anxious
Sleeping inches from me
I let it pass
Emy should I stop?
Do you think I'll make
It to the morning if it's written
Stitch it up
The kind of song I know causes mother, sister, lover worry
I feel the knife going in
I'm feeling anxious
Not enough to kill me
I thought it'd happen fast
But I'm feeling it now
And I feel anxious
Sleeping inches from me
I let it pass
--Tegan and Sara

Every time I find a song that I can somehow pick apart and call my life, I feel full. So here. I want so badly to say, "It is my life in this way," but for some reason the words won't come. Can't you tell, though? I guess this is an "I'm sorry." I'm sorry if I hurt you through hurting myself. And simultaneously it's me wondering, "Should I hurt myself today? Shouldn't this be over by now? Should I let this take me all the way through? Why is this so beautiful to me? Why is sin so beautiful to me? Why do I want to let this take me all the way through? What will it take to let this take me all the way through? Shouldn't I be there by now? Shouldn't I?" It's been a year.

God, take this.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?

These Words in front of my eyes should represent Life. How can I shrug off these tears that I have cried? I called, you answered. But what does it mean? If only I could see your face without being blinded. If faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains than what do I have? Knock me down and hold me like I need to be held.

Are you blind? Are you sick? Are you mad? How can you not see? How can you not see? How can someone scream so loudly and lie so consistently and remain so completely overlooked? Yeah, I know it's been a while. Yeah, I know I've had time. I just don't know how to move. She, whom(who, whatever, grammar is a silly thing to worry about sometimes) I am a part of, tells me that I know what to do, I know how to move forward. But how? Can you remind me? No. Why? Because you know. I know, I know. No, I don't know. I don't know at all. Life is cut into neat little sections. And some areas are sucking the wellness out of other areas, and as these areas suffer, they lead to other areas suffering, which will eventually lead to life as a whole suffering, and complete contamination. Oh, I am so happy sometimes, but when I take a step over the line, I come down, spinning as wildly as the weakness spun down the drain today. I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you. And I won't tell you unless you ask. So ask away. I know that you won't because you're afraid. But it's OK, it's OK. I've live like this for so long, why not let it stay? This isn't what I want, but it's all I know how to get. I learn and I love, but faith without works is dead. I don't deserve the life I live. I know, I know, I am washed white as snow, but what good is white when it remains stationary and blind? How do I move?

Timeline

Nine years old. Three sizes down.

Your dad says that you have to eat something besides celery if you're going to keep swimming.

Peanut butter sandwiches don't go too well with tears now, do they?

When I got really thin, Grandmommy would make me drink milkshakes. Here, let me buy you one.

Every single night, 550 calories. I thought it was OK. Three sizes up.

You're getting really fat, you know.

I know...

Our daughter is huge.

It's funny how you thought that I couldn't hear you.
It's funny how you will deny this later.

A foot up, another size out.
Ski trip, ski trip. You have to weigh yourself.
What!??
I'm 11, I'm growing... yeah, that's it.

Look at her. She's so huge. Look at her. Her body won't stay still. She's a giant.

Please don't touch me, please don't touch me.

Your mother weighs about xxx amount. She looks good that way.

Then how do I look if I weigh xx more?

Mom, what if I got to weighing xxx?

We would have to go on a diet. I need to go on one anyways.

I'm thirteen, I'm growing. I'm thirteen, I'm--

Amanda Tiner is an ugly -----. Look at her. Just look at her!

Yeah, I wear a size zero. I'm starting to get so fat, though! I won't eat dinner today.

But you're gorgeous. Everyone loves you! Some might be jealous, but everyone loves you, right? Right???

Weight Watchers take 1. Goal weight 125.

You weigh 125. That's uncommonly high for someone your age.

Take 2. Goal weight 115.

Oh, Amanda, you're getting tiny. You look great!

Take 3. Goal weight 110. CAUTION: YOU MUST REACH THIS WEIGHT BY THE END OF THE 8TH GRADE OR YOU FAIL AS A HUMAN BEING.

Goal reached.

Goal modified.

108. I like this number. I like the zero. The zero is my friend.

108, are you kidding? That's insane.

Isn't it?

I would say that you weigh about... 115.

115? 115? One? Fifteen?
How dare you.

Goal modified: 800/d.

Here, do you want this power bar?
I'm not hungry.

I'm. Not. Hungry.

She's losing weight again. Just look at her.

Don't look at me. I swear if you don't stop looking at me...

Let's go shopping, Amanda. What size do you wear now?

I, uh--

A 00? Those are a 00?

Um?

How much do you weigh?

110, I'm a cow, I know.

The scale fluctuates. Of course, I have to add ten pounds.

108, 107, 106, 105, 104, 103, 102, 101...

Soccer players have to eat, dear. Are you serious about this game?

Eat? I can eat? I'm allowed to eat?
I'm allowed to eat. Eat, I shall.

101, 102, 103, 104, 105................. 115.

Can you tell I've gained weight?

Yes.

What!??

Cross Country.

Runners have to eat, dear.

Oh, I know. I like eating.

Have you gained weight. Amanda? Have you--

Why would you ask someone that?

I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat.

Shut up, you're beautiful.

No, I'm fat, I--

I said shut up. I seriously can't take this anymore. I can't take you anymore. You're calling me a liar. You stupid little...

Whimper.

The Point of No Return (and How It Doesn't Exist)

Your words make me shiver because I can feel Him in them, but there is nothing you can do. I know that you want to, and I know that I want you to. But I've done this before. It's a sad thing to say. I don't have all of the answers, but I know how to get them. I don't know why I return to the mud after brief episodes of standing on dry ground. The future looks so beautiful, but I turn my back. The numbers take over my body, and I give in to their song of shame. I see Truth in so many people, Truth that I long for, but I am filled with guilt rather than inspiration. In my cookie cutter life, there was a clear road to this Truth. How is it even possible that I have wound up in this mud, this flood of deception when the road was so straight? Looking to the past, I danced with one demon after the other. My mouth turned foul, my anger turned hot, my wrists turned raw and red. All of the Sunday School lessons, the Wisdom, the Truth, supplied to me so freely, collapsed on my recklessness and rebellion. I have always been given so much, yet I turned away from it all. In breaking my body, defiling the Temple which God has given to me, I broke the hearts of all that surrounded me. And I feel so terrible. Everything was so straight and proper, but my purposeless wrath was like a tornado, destroying everything in its path. I have no one to blame except for myself. How can I come back after this?

"'Come now, let's settle this,' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.'" Isaiah 1:18

"Let not mercy and truth forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart..."

But how can I when the calorie content of every food I've consumed for the past four years is plastered upon this tablet like unwelcome graffiti? I wish I could just push this out of my mind, but it haunts me like nothing else. It was a religion. It was nothing less than a religion. Ana and Mia wanted to play god. I wanted to see God, but I couldn't get beyond the flesh. So I stopped and I starved and I swayed and I sank.

"You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods..." Exodus 20:4-5a

But I did. I did. And in doing so, I stole from God. I stole away all of the devotion, honor, and praise that should have been given to Him and focused it on my body, on my restriction. I feel so bad. How can I shrug this off?

These past four years have been a blur. I can't even recall how I jumped from one extreme to the other.. one shameful practice to the next. And it's so hard to feel forgiven, so hard to feel free from it all. I know that God's love has no limits, but I replaced Him. It's weird thinking about it. You know how when you give up your citizenship to the United States, you can't get it back? What if God were like that? What if I could never go back to Him?

"His son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.' But his father said to the servants, '. . . We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.'" Luke 15:21-24



My mind is so scattered and this probably doesn't even make sense, but I learned a lot today--a whole lot. And I hope to continue learning and growing every day.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." John 14:27

(:

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So much hostility in the air. So much hostility in the air.
You get what you want and then you get greedy.
You get what you want and then you forget everything else.

I don't even know where to start. There are so many abstract ideas running through my head that it's hard to breathe. Why can't I accept that everything happens for a reason? And why can't I be still?

I'm such a bad example. She was always there for me, and now she is breaking, she is leaving. I want to tell her that it'll all be OK, but who am I? Who am I? How can I tell her that it'll be OK? What can I say? I remember that day, two and a half years ago, when I was empty. I broke my year long fast, and it hurt me so much that I cried for two hours and had to go home. But God put her there. God put her there to encourage me, to build me up, to remind me that I was human... and I can never be thankful enough. Fragments of falling played over in my head tonight. I want to share how to come back. I want her to know how I came back, how she can come back. But I keep tripping and all of the slipping in the mud makes my story as bitter as blood. And it's meaningless. It's meaningless. Oh, God, don't let her die. Oh, God, don't let her die. I've never cared so much about a person's salvation. I've never cared so much about anything, really. And it kills me that I don't know what to do. It kills me that I'm probably the one leading her astray. She's seen me running before, and she thinks it's OK.

"The leaf, you hold so carefully, is what he made for you to enjoy. Do you like it? The leaf is just a detail to the twig that caresses it. That twig is just a detail to the branch that belongs to the trunk. The tree belongs to the ground and the ground belongs to the land. The land makes up the country that is surrounded by our oceans. The oceans and lands belong to this earth. And the earth belongs to you. And you belong to our God.

Do you see it now?"

Do you? Oh, your words are so beautiful, your soul is so beautiful. Can't you see how blessed you are? You've been through so much, you've been put through so much, but don't stop seeing. Don't stop seeing. The world needs you. And God wants you. My anguish does not even begin to compare to His as He mourns over your momentary blindness, your insatiable emptiness. Oh, please see and be filled.

/////edit

Oh, praise God for answering my prayer. Ahh, I am immensely happy and a little bit in awe by His mysterious ways.

Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me! Psalm 66:20

And I just want to hold
onto my hipbones
And let the world fade.
Touch me once, touch me twice
and I am remade.
But you shouldn't be the one who makes me.
Why do I let everything shake me?

When I grow tired, my mouth runs wild, revealing what you should not know. You should not know how I feel, you should not know how I feel.

Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

Well, haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh
This weight it must be satisfied
You offer only one reply
You know not what you do
But you tear and tear your hair from roots
Of that same head you have twice removed now
A lock of hair you said would prove
Our love would never die
Well ha ha ha

It's blind thinking, really--blind, deceptive thinking. I lie, I lie. I make it seem like I can't control it, when control is all it is. It's like a paradox--in controlling my body, it controls me. But does it control me? Can I stop? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I asked for a sign, and He gave me one. I tested Him. I tested the God Almighty, and He let me. He gave, He gave. And I kept walking away. "I can't now. It's too much!" Whatever, whatever. I need Word. I need Truth to fill the holes that my lies have created, the holes made by acid which has slowly dissolved the original substance. Mia, Mia, Mia--you devil. We can't dance like this anymore. It is your sole purpose to provide voracious hunger to make up for what we've lost together. You know that it will only draw me nearer and farther away from Truth, from an end to the eternal Hunger. Please leave me alone...

RAOUL:
Free her!
Do what you like only free her!
Have you no pity?

PHANTOM:
Your lover makes a passionate plea!

CHRISTINE:
Please Raoul, it's useless!

RAOUL:
I love her!
Does that mean nothing?
I love her!
Show some compassion ...

PHANTOM:
The world showed no compassion to me!

That scene has been running through my head over and over. I can change the meaning into so many different things and apply it to my life in so many different ways. I get into my car and switch to track 13, just so I can hear it and cry tears of mystery.

You Are the Roots That Sleep Beneath My Feet

Mr Darcy: You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

I want a Mr. Darcy. I want to see and know and love my Mr. Darcy. My heart aches for it. But a good ache. A good, excited ache.

"And I do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes, But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too.
So Brown Eyes I'll hold you near, 'cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere." --Death Cab for Cutie

Plan for tomorrow.

Wake up.
Hang out with my best Friend.
School.
Awards ceremony sometime.
Tutor Maurice in 2nd block.
No idea what we're doing in 3rd block.
Work out 30 min after school, home at 4.
Test corrections, work on vocab list, make dinner.
Leave for work at 4:45.
Work 5-8.
Don't get pissed at Sydney.
Home at 8:30ish. More vocab.
Grey's Anatomy finale!!!!

I ate a lot today. Mmhm. It's hard for me to do that and be OK. That's sad, isn't it? God, help me.

I need to start planning again.

Tomorrow:

School.
1B- PAY ATTENTION
2B- Pictures at 9
3B- Work on project. Read, read, read. And watch Pride and Prejudice because it is good.
4B- Omg, I will die tomorrow. There will be food, and I will die. I will go to the bathroom and die in there.
Gym- Run for 30 minutes. Get home at 4.
HUSH Corrections- like 3 of them.. and I'll do the rest the next day.
Make "dinner"
Leave for work at 5.
Work 5:15-8:30. Don't screw up Joe's opinion of you. And serve. Let it be a lesson. SERVE.

I need structure so badly. Stuff looks beautiful on paper, but then it turns to ash. I want to feel love and crave purity. Because right now, all I want is the world.

She held the world upon a string
But she didn't ever hold me
Spun the stars on her fingernails
But it never made her happy
Cause she couldn't ever have me
She said she won the world at a carnival
But she could never win me
Cause she couldn't ever catch me

I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, just see the sky

I don’t love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throw an old line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream

The sun was always in her eyes
She didn't even see me
But that girl had so much love
she'd wanna kiss you all the time
Yeah, she'd wanna kiss you all the time

She said she won the world at a carnival
But I'm sure it didn’t ruin her
Just made her more interesting
I'm sure it didn’t ruin her
Just made her more interesting

I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, I just see the sky

I don’t love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throw an old line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream

My head hurts.

And things feel a little bit out of control. Things feels beyond me. People talk about me. People that I don't even know talk about me. But they never talk to me. Never. My body feels beyond me. It stretches out and spins and shakes. I can see worry in people's eyes as they see the mania in mine.

I want to slow down.

Daughters

It's a weird feeling: scrubbing dishes so hard that you feel like you're out of control, wiping down cabinets and putting away groceries like your life depended on it. I spent three hours, three hours making everything perfect, three hours correcting every little flaw, and she is blind. She is blind. I don't do it to avoid trouble, I do it to be seen. Can't you see me? Can't you see me? I'm not sick on the couch anymore. I'm not in your hair anymore. Look. Just look. Or not. Let me sing and shake in the shower, holding on to my hip bones, desiring my physical body to correlate with my disappearance in your heart. I was so much that I smothered you. You became numb to me, dead to me. I offered so much poison that your body finally rejected it, and now you are immune. It's freeing, isn't it?

Do It for the Living and Do It for the Dead, Do It for the Monsters Under Your Bed

"Recent research suggests that an extremely strong desire for academic achievement may be as significant as sexual maturation, if not more so, in the development of eating disorders in young women. There is a combination of issues at work here: a family that has high expectations of achievement (as distinguished from genuine encouragement and prompting of a child to develop her intellectual skills); a child who is prone to excessive self-imposed pressure; and a child who exhibits unusual levels of academic ability and intelligence. The combination often results in mental paralysis. The child may defect from expectations--her own above all else--and take refuge in an entirely antirational set of behaviors that have, in fact, a highly organized structure. . ." --Wasted by Marya Hornbacher

I love reading. And not thinking about responsibility.

I also love the feeling of doing something practical and responsible.

116.8-- what a number!

Now I feel sick.