Bright Eyes, Gray Skies

And me I'm in my bedroom, drawing in my notebook
Because my hand thinks I'm an artist
But my heart knows I'm a poet
It's just words they mean so little to me
I can't seem to deal with total trust
There is something very wrong with me
--Bright Eyes

I'm strangely anti-social these days. I have so many opportunities, but why cling to someone when they'll only turn back to bite you? It scares me, people scare me. There used to be a lot of people that knew me, but now I'm different, and I don't wear it all on my sleeve. My thoughts are unrecognizable because I've changed my ways, and I've embraced how easy it is to hide.

I'm watching Celebrity Fit Club, and I hate this stupid woman on it right now because it's so easy for her to lose weight and she weighs less than I do and she shouldn't be on a stupid weight loss show and ughughgughguhgh, I hate this mindset, and I hate that I'm typing this, exposing it. I hate the weight that I've gained, the pathetic 20 extra pounds that have accumulated on my body since freshman year. I was so focused then, so determined... I can still look at my arms and say that I like them, that they're small, almost two small, although soft and offsetting when looked at with the rest of my body. I know that I'm my own worst critic, that no one looks at me like I look at myself, but do I really know that? I know that no one cares about it as much as I do, but I care. Isn't that enough to keep me going?

On a happier note, my Edward Cullen lights up my world more and more everyday..

I had a beautiful, beautiful time
The drives and the talks were amazing
The kind of friend I thought I'd never find
I had a beautiful, beautiful time
You have a beautiful, beautiful smile
The way it curls and collapses on your lips
When you touch me I shake like a child
It's late, I'm afraid you might leave
'Cause sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me
There's nothing I can do to concentrate
It's so distracting, always thinking of you
So I expose and explain and I meant everything I said
And it's moments like this that repeat and replay in my head
When I'm laying in bed
It's a beautiful, beautiful time
As you laugh and roll onto your stomach
The carpet embraces your design
My heart pounds as I lay by your side
And I find that I am unable to hide all these feelings that flow
In this basement, and in this dim light, you look so beautiful
I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you're near and I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try
--Bright Eyes