Ugh, I'm fat, I'm fat, so fat. And this is my blog, and I don't care how absurdly ridiculous I sound, so if you're going to leave me comments telling me that I need to learn to accept myself the way God made me, than don't bother because God did NOT make me this way. I made me this way. I became a glutton. I lost control of my "cleverly planned meals" and here I am. I slipped up. I suffered-- it's my fault, and God did NOT make me this way. He made me "beautiful" or whatever, but I messed it up. I ate and I put off exercising and I became lazy and UGH-- it's sad that I'm too lazy to want to fix this. I'd rather try to cut myself out of this skin and bleed to death. Not really, but UGHUGHUGHFREAKINGUGH. I am going to go plan to starve myself and forget about it by this time tomorrow when I will have already eaten 923482938324892 calories. Sheesh, I eat nowhere near that many. I eat 1500 or less everysinglefreakingday, but I still gain weight because my body is rebelling against me. UGH. There is no control is my life. None.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
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4 comments:
I'll include me in this because we both fell in the same hole.
I want to tell you that you are wrong, because that would make it sound like everything could be made OK. I suppose it can be made OK, but I also know that 5 years after I started eating normally, she's still in my mind. I don't know what makes her a permanent resident in my cabeza, but she lives there.
I don't have all the answers. Maybe we'll just learn to eat less, I don't know. Maybe our metabolisms will fix themselves down the road.
All I know is that I do not want to live under her oppresion. I want to figure out how to live happily and be slim. I sort of refuse to go back to her I guess because it's so dark where she is.
I hope you get me. Cause I certainly get you in this.
He made me "beautiful" or whatever, but I messed it up. I ate and I put off exercising and I became lazy and UGH-- it's sad that I'm too lazy to want to fix this.
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All it does is break me that you only think you will be beautiful when you are the size of what you want to be. You will absolutly HATE yourself until you are it. And even then, that won't be enough. It makes me break down just thinking about this Hellhole that you live in. I don't know girl, I really don't know.. :'( I know no words from anyone will help this, even people who have gone through it. Because people never helped the people that have gone through it get through it. People didn't. I can't. Rachel can't. Luke can't. Adell can't. No amount of positive encouraging words will help. The only thing that will change the way you hate yourself is God and you giving it up and breaking, to the point of no return.
I guess this is where it is. I can't anymore, but He can. I love you.
your view...it's tainted. Maybe you should stop looking in the mirror and change your focus because obviously from the words written in this blog...your focus is off.
Maybe if you start looking at others instead of yourself things will begin to change. Maybe if you change your mindset the things you see through your eyes will look beautiful.
You are spitting in God's face when you call yourself ugly, fat, etc. If that's what you wish to do then please get rid of the Christian label you choose to wear.
You give Christians a bad name, so please stop making the rest of us, who are at least trying to walk with Christ, look bad.
Accept the kind words and words of encouragement that the people around you try to give.
Because in all honesty...God made you EXACTLY the way He wanted you made...so why not get over trying to CHANGE yourself, and instead EMBRACE yourself.
wow
much love rachel partridge and amanda tiner, but i am peacing out of this.
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