Hypocrisy

Tomorrow starts it.

And I'm doing this for you, for you who ignores me, disregards me, treats me like I don't belong. This is for you. This is what happens when you forget that I exist.

But it's for me, too. I need this, I need this, I need this.

It'll be hard, so hard. I've gotten used to living the way I do, and now I have to change it. Things won't be easy anymore. I won't get what I want. It'll be suffering, pure suffering. Even though as I'm sitting here now, full of everything that I say I despise but secretly love, I say I'll enjoy every minute of it, I won't. It will kill me. I will die from the inside out. But that was the point, I guess.

I hate the excitement that I feel right now because I know that it will die tomorrow morning when I have choices to make. It'll be easy to hide, but hard to accomplish. I'll be happy at the end. I'll win.

I really wish that I was graduating early. I don't have time to think about school anymore.

Ugh.

I've kept up with Graduation Project so far, but now it is killing me. I can't write speeches. I can't give a speech in front of people who will be judging me and determining whether I graduate or not--it's simply nerve-wrecking! And tomorrow, I have to make two visual aids and study for a huge calculus test and I should be studying right now, but I feel sick and tired and unwilling to do anything good for me.

Crap, I make so many mistakes.

Darnit, darnit, darnit, why can't I let anything go? I'm so selfish, and when I don't get what I want, I get angry and I start a fight. And then when I get what I want, when things change, I keep fighting. I extract flaws from people and put them in this huge book and then pull them out whenever I need to have something on them. And then I have huge, gossip sessions and spill out my heart because said person has done so much wrong to me and to everyone else. Hah, I am such a dirty liar.

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn’t budge
I tried to hold your hand but you’d rather hold your grudge