If I don't recover
Sell this house and find
Something lost outside your window
Not forever
But on the night I die
I swear
I'll sleep outside your window
I feel the knife going in
I'm feeling anxious
Not enough to kill me
I thought it'd happen fast
But I'm feeling it now and I feel anxious
Sleeping inches from me
I let it pass
Emy should I stop?
Do you think I'll make
It to the morning if it's written
Stitch it up
The kind of song I know causes mother, sister, lover worry
I feel the knife going in
I'm feeling anxious
Not enough to kill me
I thought it'd happen fast
But I'm feeling it now
And I feel anxious
Sleeping inches from me
I let it pass
--Tegan and Sara
Every time I find a song that I can somehow pick apart and call my life, I feel full. So here. I want so badly to say, "It is my life in this way," but for some reason the words won't come. Can't you tell, though? I guess this is an "I'm sorry." I'm sorry if I hurt you through hurting myself. And simultaneously it's me wondering, "Should I hurt myself today? Shouldn't this be over by now? Should I let this take me all the way through? Why is this so beautiful to me? Why is sin so beautiful to me? Why do I want to let this take me all the way through? What will it take to let this take me all the way through? Shouldn't I be there by now? Shouldn't I?" It's been a year.
God, take this.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Knife Going In
Posted by Amanda at 2:51 PM
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3 comments:
I pray for your sincerity in those last three words. I pray for you... so often, and if you are truly putting this in His hands and throwing it from your own then He will guide you. And He will make it all so beautiful, in His name and in your eyes. gahhh, I can't wait for that day :]]]
I remember when that song was my life. I remember when those lyrics would have left me feeling full. Keep seeking God, peace and redemption will come. Sin will become weak, and the only thing that will fill you is the love of God. I pray the only song you will ever want to write again is the song of God's salvation for us.
Remember your battle to victory now is a testimony to save someone else from hell's lies. Keep fighting to impact the kingdom...
-Christal
Dear God,
Be Amanda's knight in shining armor. Smash the fragile glass house. Dazzle her in the sunlight. Lead her beside quiet waters; restore her soul.
Amen.
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