Life, Don't Be Still

Something is missing.

I have no idea who I am.

And I'm wicked thirsty.
I'm dying without the Water that I need to survive.

Why don't I run to Him?
Why am I stuck in this silly circle that I criticize so often?

These fits of panic and rage grow old quickly.

I'm tired of being the terrible ice queen that I have become: unable to cry, unable to feel.
I'm tired of being sick.

My heart yearns for what I will not seek.

Oh, rescue me. I forgot how to find You. I love you, I love you. I swear, I swear.


Some things that I need to say to certain people before I go insane:

1. I am so thankful for you right now, even though I will never be sure of where we stand. I want you to be my best friend, but there is this incredible doubt that hovers over the security of our friendship. I want to grow closer to you and never stop growing closer to you. I seriously love you, and love is a hard word for me to say, especially towards someone that I have known for such a short period of time in the way that I have known you.

2. I want to be able to talk to you without feeling like I have to impress you. But every time we talk, I get so anxious, trying to make you like me that I don't act like myself. I feel like you like everyone in our "group" except for me and are constantly trying to replace me and leave me out. And I like you, I really do. I just don't know about anything anymore. I feel bad having these feelings towards you, but I'm weird... sorry. That's no excuse really. I just want to feel like I matter when I'm around you.

3. You are fading in my eyes. And I have faded in yours. Things aren't like they used to be, and I hate it. Actually, things have never been the way I imagined that a relationship with the title that we give ours should be. We need to be honest with each other and tell each other things and not let the other find out eventually through 34329840 other people. There should be no "awkward" with us. We've been through so much and should be able to talk about so much, but we can't. I tell you things and you don't understand. You tell me nothing. You get how I work, mostly, and I'm so thankful for that. You put up with my crap because you know how I'm wired. You defend me. And I do the same for you. I just.. don't ever want to lose this, you know? Have we lost it yet?

4. You are a character. I see so much of myself in you that it hurts to watch sometimes. I used to have a spirit as alive and new as yours is, but I ruined it by letting life hit me too hard in some of the ways that life is hitting you right now. Please be careful. Don't ever let your fire fade.

5. I don't know you at all. I don't see how anyone can. You make yourself seem so simple, but you really aren't at all. You lie about things to make life easier for everyone else, but you forget to take care of yourself. It's scary to think about it sometimes. Are your decisions really what you make people think they are? Are you truly committing to something or are you slanting the truth to make people happy? I can't get you. Talking to you is always interesting, though.

6. I am blessed to know someone like you. I don't come anywhere near to deserving a friend like you. Words can't even describe how thankful I am for you. You have stayed with me through all of my low points, even when I treated you like crap. Woaaaah, I love you. I wish I could do more for you because I owe you times 29348204820.

7. I take you for granted too often. I mess with your head because I think I can. I don't treat you well enough because I know you'll take it. I don't deserve you and it tears me up inside when I think about it. I don't understand why we are in the relationship that we are in because you could be devoting the time and energy that you devote to me to someone who would treat you so much better. You're amazing, gifted, adorable, and so many other things. I wish you would stop comparing yourself to other people because you're pretty much perfect to me. I am so thankful for you, but not thankful enough. I wish that I could pour into you the way that you have poured into me.

8. We've been nice to each other off/on. You're in my life a lot sometimes, but you always seem to duck out of it without much warning. I want to be "real friends." We've been through a lot of similar things, and I want to talk about them. I prayed with you once and I still pray that all of those things will happen. I want to grow closer to you. You're incredibly cool.

9. We need to talk. I felt so chill with you before, but you're starting to seem so fake to me. Dude, come back and be real. This wishy-washy friendship that we have sucks.

10. I miss your amazing friendship. You are so life-giving and positive. You always seem to be growing and learning new things. And you're never slow to share the things that God has shown you. I love it, and I need more people like you in my life. We just always get really close and then fall apart. It's dumb :/