Myrtle Beach

So many memories come from Myrtle Beach. I never realized how much had happened here until I spent the day alone, going over everything (in a sentimental way, of course). When enough time passes, every experience gains some sort of sentimental value. Even though tears have drowned and choked off these memories, they have also baptized them, giving them new life, a new meaning.

The first time I ever came to Myrtle Beach, I was in the eighth grade. It was spring break, I was in a pointless relationship with a boy I only saw at school, and I was in the beginning stages of anorexia. I loved that I was living, I just didn't love the life I lived. I was sad, I was hopeless, I was scared. Spring break had just begun. It was nighttime, and my dad came into the main room and told the whole family to pack our bags, we were leaving, it was a surprise. It was exciting. I had no idea where we were going, but the concept of an "escape" was magical to me. I slept in the car until we arrived at the Marriott. We were in Myrtle Beach, somewhere I had never been before. I spent the week laying out in the sun and resting my poor, tired body. I didn't eat anything, but the rest was enough to keep me going a little bit longer. I didn't tell anyone where I had gone. I was just.. gone. And I loved the concept of disappearing.

I came back to Myrtle the summer after the 10th grade. At this point, I was deep in a relationship that has broken me far more than I have ever been broken, will ever be broken in my entirety. I swear to never let myself be so close to such a cruel person ever, ever, ever again in my whole life. My friends were with me this time. I had people who knew me, people who loved me, and I had him, my love, my sunshine, my nothing. He would call me every so often and scold me, questioning my every move, my every gesture. If I didn't pick up the phone I was, of course, cheating on him because when a normal person doesn't answer the phone what else could they be doing? Besides, I was a whore anyway. I was complete trash. I was an ugly, disgusting, slutty mess, and I was hated. At least that's what he told me on the balcony of my room while my mom was making dinner. I remember the way my tears stuck to the faux-leather of the booth seating in the kitchen area. I remember the hands on my back, the precious murmurs trying to save my life. And the pain, the knives in my heart, the blood behind my eyes. Every second, I burst into tears. Every store I went into, I had to walk straight out because I was unworthy, I was trash, I was nothing. All of that week, he tried to win me back with love songs and excuses, and he would of, if it hadn't been for the support system that was behind me.

I came back again, the summer after 11th grade. I was with my best friend, and I was in love.. again. This time, it was good. It was meant to happen. I had God's approval and the world's approval. We would talk on the phone for hours at a time on the balcony, and then my best friend would come out and we'd sing to the moon. We talked about everything: boys, God, friends, the future. We spent the week trying to harmonize to Jason Mraz songs, and we danced to Ludo in the kitchen. I ran every morning on the beach. It was a beautiful summer.

And my senior year, I have been to Myrtle Beach three times. The first time, I was getting over the boy from the last summer. I was killing all of my friendships with harsh remarks, and I was avoiding blue eyes that tried to convince me that this way was better. It wasn't peaceful. I could never look him in the eye. But he made me laugh, he kept me company. I have so many memories from the three days that I spent here.

The second time, it was better. I had less to care about, less to be angry about. I could look into brown eyes and tell the truth. I could fall asleep and not worry about what I would feel in the morning.

And here I am again, and I'm so tired...

And I'm writing a pointless blog. The end.











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ayayayayayayy

So, there are so many colors in my life right now.

But I'm losing all of the best one's.. all of my friends, I can no longer relate to because I've isolated myself in the grey for so long. They're all purple and green and passionate, but I'm just grey and chilled out.. but in a bummer way, so it's like, how do you surge a black and white picture with a full color one? It's like one of those wacked up photoshop jobs that usually turn out to be extremely beautiful, but the color is always the life of the picture. Does that mean that the grey is the death? What? I'm death now? Seriously. Hah, my writing style has become ridiculous. It's almost like I'm having a conversation with myself, but oh well, I'm tired of organized style, planned out letters, perfect grammar. I could never be a ballet dancer.

I want to write a book. I'm going to start write now. It'll be short. I have ADD.


I love that I've been through so much in my life. It's awesome. I've hurt a lot, but I have a lot to talk about now.

OK, so, I'm standing in the middle of this huge field, right? I think it's a wheat field, but I'm not really sure what a wheat field looks like, but it doesn't really matter. A more obvious kind of field would be a corn field or something similar where the end product actually resembles the beginning. That'd be too easy, though. So, anyway, I'm standing in the field and there are all these mountains surrounding me. If I ran the length of the field in any direction, I'd hit a mountain and have to start climbing. The only way out is to overcome my lazy, hopelessness and start hiking. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Hopelessness? Really? I mean, hopeless on the outside and hopeless on the inside are two completely different things. One can seem like they are hopeless and one can say that they are hopeless, but that's not necessarily what they believe. In some cases, the assumed hopeless are actually hopelessly confident, they are sure of their success, they are hopeful. But then they're knocked on their feet when things go awry, they're drowned when the sky spits out rain. What is success? How do you spell it, breathe it, see it..? How do you accomplish anything? When I was young, I used to define success in relationships. I guess that was a good way to sum it up. Because now they aren't enough. I am lacking.

I'm so done with this. I need to freaking pursue dreams, but I'm not doing anyfreakingthing! Like wtf are my dreams? I want to get married.. that much I know. I don't even know about children.. eventually. But I want a career. That's for sure. I want to do something I love. I just don't think I love anything. I want to be busy all of the time. I want to express myself. I want to interact with people and not be serving them chicken all of the time. I want to do things that require effort and SUCCEED at them.

Red.

Red.

Red.

I wish I could be more descriptive, but all I see in red.
Please, understand me. Please, just listen to me.
My reasons make sense. Besides the one thing, I'm a very rational person.
But you're making me see red.

This is summer. This is my last chance. Starting in August, we'll all be gone, all of us. He'll be here for the next six years, and he has many opportunities. Me, not so much. This is it, I'm afraid. Please, give me this one last thing.. please. I don't want to see red when I reason, I want thing to be clear. I want to be calm, collective, persuasive. Now, I'm just ridiculous. And soon you'll start bringing up the most hurtful things from the past and throwing them in my face. "This is why you ruined all of your relationships, darling. This is why they left you. Of course it was all your fault!" Ireallywanttohateyourightnow, but I love you, so I can't. You just hurt me so much sometimes. My words snap because your words snap. Man, if only you could have been there that day with Susan when we started talking about the root of it all and what would make things easier. I hate crying in front of people, but I couldn't stop. It was this big horrible waterfall, and I was blubbering like this big, stupid baby because you were never there anymore. You worked, and you slept. I had it so much better than most girls, I must agree, but honestly most girls have it bad because this isn't even enough. I mean, I'm selfish, I guess.. spoiled. Cut me, man. Seriously. It's the only thing going through my head when I see this much red.. hurting and hurting and destroying and it's this big stupid cycle and I'm surprised that I'm not A) in my room, destroying myself or B) stuffing my face with tortilla chips until I can't contain them in my stomach anymore and then making everything go away.

I've sort of calmed down now. I guess that's all I really needed to say about that. The hard part is going to be saying the cool, collected part to your face, getting rejected, and not getting upset about it, but that's whatever. I hate my temper. I get vicious.

I Wish I Had One Good Reason..

I'm always writing about the same things. It's mainly one thing, I suppose. I want it more than anything and for one week, I've worked for it (minus one day). I just need motivation to continue. Because I get distracted and discouraged... but underneath everything, I'm bubbling with excitement, I'm writing down dates and numbers, I'm doing math constantly. And I like it. I'm just scared that when I have to go to school, it will become two much for me, that I'll fall farther into it or even worse, fall out of it completely. I want to meet someone who is like me, someone who I can spill all of my secrets too. There's this girl at work and I've been getting to know her for a little while, although I really disliked her at first. I suspected, and I was right. But she didn't want to talk about it. And it made me feel weird.. for wanting to talk about it, to describe it.. because I guess for a while, it was my everything. It's not anymore. I promise. And I've totally switched subjects here. The first thing, the thing I want more than anything is not the bad thing that I just described. It is good and clean and healthy and other 'good' adjectives.


I feel like I'm Accutane again.. for the past three days, things have been a blur. Everything is moving so quickly around me, and I'm just lifeless, performing tasks to keep me alive and slightly sane. I hope it goes away soon. I've been getting plenty of sleep and exercise. Maybe I'm PMSing? Hopefully. It'd be a joy to know that I was PMSing, actually. Then I could say that I was normal. Although it is nice, not being normal sometimes because it makes you feel special. But why would anyone ever feel special about this? I mean, seriously.. will I even be able to have children? I was reading a trashy magazine at the gym today and it was talking about Kate from that show with all of the babies (she dominates trashy mags, btw) and she got pregnant with IVF and fertility drugs after doctors had diagnosed her with PCOS (which I'm convinced that I have), but yay, I guess that's hope for me and my stupid problems.

I'm also sad to say that Scarlett Johannson has lost weight. She was one of the only actresses that wasn't stick thin and depressing to look at.



I was so happy when I saw He's Just Not That Into You and realized that it was OK to have curves.. and now, apparently, it's not. I mean, it wasn't going to stop me from wanting to be stick-thin, anyway. Every girl wants that, no matter how much they deny it.

It's late. This blog was pointless. I need to learn to be more creative.

I'll Tell You Flat Out

You're letting me sit on your shoulders because you love me. You won't let me go because you love me. At first, I'm holding on too. There is no way in the world that I'm willing to compromise this relationship, this immense trust that we've built for one another. But then I get comfortable, so comfortable that I could call it bored.. and I let go. You, you are faithful, you hold on with an unshakable grip. I fall backwards, and the blood rushes to my head. All is coated in a vision of crimson, but your hands, they never let go. The struggle runs deeper as I am dragged through the mud. I am unaware of this destruction and how it could be, how it would be if I had never met you. Because you're permanent. Once I pledge my life to you, there's no turning back, it will never be the same.

don't trust me

"But I don't want to go!" Em screamed at the porcelain girl in the corner of her mind. "I am happy where I am. I am me, I am loved, I am..." Her thoughts trailed off as she studied the pale face that haunted her. Every feature was striking. Her pale, blonde hair seemed to sparkle like a fresh coat of snow on a cool, winter morning. It framed her thin face, highlighting her emerald green eyes and her high cheek bones, which were naturally flushed. The curls cascaded down her back, hiding the protruding blades and exposed spine. The white dress she wore hung loosely on her small frame. As a breeze passed, it danced around her like a blizzard. She was the most beautiful storm imaginable. Her chest was not flat, but dainty. Her stomach was concave and her legs like matchsticks. She was fragile, breakable, the kind of girl who won protection without having to blink. One smile from her and Em was lost in a whirlwind of possibilities. Her focus was shattered by the brisk blizzard breezes, and she could no longer resist.

"Are you?" whispered the porcelain princess through her cherry red lips. Her white smile was seductive and sickening. It felt like waking up prostrate on an operating table, exposed and nauseous in the blinding light.

It all happened so quickly. The blizzard grew stronger and skeleton fingers gripped Em's wrists. "No."

God, please help me. Because out of frustration, I'll screw this up. I really want to screw this up. I want to get rid of everything, I want to tear myself up. So, please help me. Help me towards success. Please give me the motivation to work hard and to persevere through this because right now, I just want to make it all go away. And I know that I can't even do that. If I unleashed that demon, more would come. The bad feelings would move from the space I take up to my skin to my hair to my constant fatigue. I can't make anything go away. I just attempt and end up screwing myself over. Can you please prevent this? Can you do something? This hardly even seems serious. I feel silly writing about it, and talking to You, but this is so serious to me. I've tried so hard. You see that. I want to be "healthy"--I want to do this the "right way." And I can't even do that. What are You trying to tell me? Are you trying to teach me persevearance or are You just laughing in my face? Because that's harsh. You know I've worked really hard for this, right? And I want to be a testimony that hard work is the way to do it.. not giving up and screwing up the body, the hair, the skin. And right now, screwing up seems like the only thing that will get rid of a little bit of extra water weight because right now my whole body isn't even working right and I'm frustrated and can You please help me, please? I am counting instead of being reckless. I am exercising instead of sticking my fingers down my throat. And I'm moving in the opposite direction. What am I supposed to think about that? How is my mind supposed to process that? You want me to honor my body, right? I'm trying so freaking hard, and all I get is failure. It's hard for me to do this, freaking HARD! So I'm asking for help. I've asked You so many times and You haven't really showed up, but whatever. Please help me. I know You can. Love, Amanda.

Calypso

So, I'm trying to be extraordinarily healthy again. I hate the fact that it's so hard. I started taking classes at the gym, and I'm counting my calories a little bit more closely. Yes, I am in the normal weight range (although the high end) for my weight and height. Yes, most people think that I look fine. And I do look fine. But this weight loss is going to be for me and only me. It's not going to be for a boyfriend or for society, it is for me. And it will only be 10-15 pounds. I just want to feel lighter and better about myself. I've built a ton of muscle with my weight lifting, but I haven't really done very much in the fat loss department. That, I need to step up a bit. But whatever. I'm going to try eating 1200-1300 everyday and working out for at least an hour most days. That seems healthy enough. If it's not, then wow. I'm toast, I guess? I'm also vegan until July 19th.. then it is Myrtle Beach time. And since I'm still going to be on a 1200 calorie diet, I have to be a good girl. And I'll have to sneak in workouts, so I hope whoever ends up coming to the beach with me is willing to put up with that. But walking on the beach in the morning is very relaxing. I could have a chill week of just doing that and probably end up being fine. Hopefully we'll be walking around Barefoot Landing and Broadway at the Beach for the majority of the time, anyway.. and tanning. I need a tan worse than anyone else of the planet. Seriously. I'm not an albino, but sometimes people get confused.

I could talk forever about calories and nutrition and exercise. I probably should have kept my major in that, but oh well. I can't change it now or I'll lose my scholarship. And I want to be a nurse. I want to work at a hospital. I'm just getting cold feet about the rest of my life, I guess. I don't know. I always had bigger dreams than this. Am I just settling? I could be a doctor, a designer, I could be anything (maybe not a science teacher), but you know.. something else. I guess we'll just see how school goes. I mean, once I get started working in the hospital, and I'm making money, I could go back to school. And maybe, I won't even want to go back. Maybe I'll love it. And maybe I'll get married and have kids and forget all about silly dreams that don't even mean anything.. maybe my family will become my dreams. I don't know. I think that my soul is a dancer, though.

I sound ridiculous and I'm sorry to all of the readers of my blog whose time I'm wasting.

God is cool. I have no idea what he wants me to do, but I know He's there, making stuff work out. If I'm not supposed to be a nurse, he'll let me know. But for right now, I'm thinking that's what he wants me to do. I've got the scholarship and perfect schedule going for me. I've got a tutor for Chemistry and next semester is pretty much set. I'm in love with calendars and writing everything down. I'm about to go upstairs and get my chickalay calendar and mark it with everything that I might be doing in the next 6 months. Wow, the way things are falling into place is just incredible. I'm not used to this, really. I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, God thanks, You are so awesome and Your plan is so great," and it's like woah, really? Is this my mind thinking these things? I'm usually so rebellious, never wanting to thank Him or even talk to Him. I'm usually angry at Him (for no good reason), but now I'm thinking we are becoming friends again. I was reading Psalms and I really liked it. I need to get into a better Bible reading habit, though. I read that Captivating book this AM, but the Bible was on the shelf somewhere. I found my awesome Bible, though. I missed that awesome Bibleness and now it is found, so yay for awesome Bibleness and stupid made up words.

I feel 13, wanting to blog about anything and everything. I guess it's all the free time. Hah!

My Eyes Roll

It's hard to understand why you're diving into this whirlpool of nonsense. You're trying to open a heavy door with padlocks and barbed wire, and I'm trying to keep it from hurting you, but now it's wearing me out. I'm so tired, hiding these flaws. Why can't they just go away? Or why can't you stop knocking? I don't want the wire to cut you, I don't want your muscles to cramp up and cause you to stumble. I want you to be clean, fresh, strong. Stay invincible for me.. or at least the make believe invincible that you are now. Because no one is really invincible, right?

I used to think that I was invincible, that I would never get in an accident, that no matter what happened, I would never die. And I guess that, in a sense, I really will never die.. my soul won't die, anyway. But I used to think that my body would never die or get older or really change at all. But I've changed so much. I've grown so much.. in undesirable ways, mostly. Sometimes I wish I could go back to 14 and be beautiful and thin again. I don't know why I can't make myself love curves. All of my blogs come back to this. Dear God, help me to get over this nonsense! Ugh.

This is Kate Moss.




This is Scarlett Johansson

I don't want you to see me. You say I'm beautiful, but the shame of what I have become taints the beauty. I am not beautiful at all. Teach me how to disappear. Teach me how to give you what you need. Because fireworks die. I won't be brilliant forever. I'm fading, see? You've drained me.

I'm dancing through hallways in a building that is You. You are the doors, You are the walls, You are the foundation. Even though I'm leaping and twisting, I'll never be fast enough to escape the life You have for me. And it's hard to figure out why I want to escape so badly. Is it human nature to want to live on the edge? And this isn't even the typical edge. This is just seeing You and passing You by. This is just taking what You have given me for granted. For the past several days, I have stopped in shame. I'm doing laundry, and Your walls close in around me. Thank You, thank You, thank You. These are not words that I can keep inside of me. The blessings spilled over and out of my mouth. It's not fair at all because I don't know what I can do for You. I know that there is still growth to be done, but I feel like I'm going nowhere if I don't share this, if I don't work for it. Because I'm doing nothing, and You're giving me everything. How can Love be so great? How can I make my love the same way? I grow selfish and bitter, tainting the meaning of the word until it means nothing at all. I want what I want when I want it, and when I don't get it, the world collapses. I'm spinning out of control over a day of nothing, when You could reason while experiencing the greatest pains. Isn't nothing better than pain? Or is it better to experience it, to live it, so that we may realize how much we are blessed when it subsides?

It's funny. I'm trying to write love songs for someone else, but You are all that's in my head right now. You are beautiful, You are everything, and though I feel far from You at times, though I don't completely understand who You are, I am thankful for You. I love You. Without You, I would be nothing. I am still nothing, yet you find worth in me. I based my life one thing, and then I lost that one thing. I stopped loving myself, caring about myself, I gave up all hope. You never gave up on me, and for that, I am thankful.

I have never been at peace, and I never will be at peace with this. If I became at peace, I would lose all hope of going any further. It is always necessary to go further. That doesn't mean that I will always be sad. There are times of great joy, but there is never contentment. There is never a feeling of completion because the journey is never complete. Life doesn't stop and settle down at a certain age. The adventure continues forever and forever.

So, wow. Five seconds made me feel better.

I was thinking about how I didn't really know where to go from here. There are a lot of directions that THE relationship could grow, but the way I am, I was just thinking that I didn't really know what else I could do. I was happy with the cards I'd been dealt, but in the grand scheme of things, they were nothing without THE relationship. And even though I've been away from Him, it's like He's teaching me more about Him. He's teaching me more about who He is, how He is. Even though I'm confused, even though I doubt.. this confusion and this doubt are good things. I'll grow. I just need to stop being so lazy! I mean, I could be so much stronger by now. I could be so much happier because I'd be loving Him and doing things that make Him happy and then His happiness would make me happy. His love would give love to me, love to give, love to receive. And no, it's not about me. It never was.


I can't type the rest. But there is one God. I know this to be true. And He's in control of everything, but not everything can be perfect all the time because people aren't perfect. Nothing in this world is perfect. Good people die, some crazy things happen.. but if they had been altered, it'd have been worse. Life would have been worse. Ugh, I don't know. I keep getting stuck on ideas. I have so many questions, and I don't know where the answers are.



But I've fallen in a good way. It's making me so much more open-minded. It's making me love myself more.