Walk On Water or Drown

It's 2009, and everything feels exactly the same.

Well, not really.

And I don't know why I expect things to be magically "different" anyways. I guess it's sort of like birthdays when you expect them to be super exciting and you expect to feel super older, but then you feel the same as the day before.

Hm. God surprised me today. It's sort of funny that he would give me the gift that he gave me on the first of the year. I mean, I knew it had to be coming, but it was late, so I wasn't expecting it TODAY because it's been so long since I've had it and who knows how I work anymore. For a while I thought I was completely broken and dysfunctional, but I guess I'm not, although right now it seems like it'd be so much less painful that way. I can hardly stand up without wanting to scream in pain. Maybe I'm just a baby who needs to get used to this sort of thing. Blech.

Stupid pain, stupid pills.

But I'm starting new ones. I won't be crazy anymore. I won't want to retrace the scars on my arms and murder relationships that took years to build up. And I won't gain any more weight for no reason.

Even though I'm trying not to let that tear me apart. I'm trying to see myself through sane eyes, eyes that are not warped after looking into trashy magazines and fun house mirrors for so long. I'm not fat, and I don't need to lose weight. I just want to lose it so I'll feel better, lighter, prettier. And I want to do it the right way. My twisted brain makes starving seem so glamorous when it makes me feel as dry as a bone and unable to stand still or straight. I forgot what healthy meant..

I'm supposed to start eating meat again, but the thought scares me. I ate shrimp today and it was easy, but when I tried to eat other things, I kept thinking about what they looked like before they were killed and ground up and... ew. Chick-fil-A tomorrow! Ugh.

In other news, my boyfriend is amazing and I can't wait to go to college. UNCG is looking better and better everyday.