So, this is it. Life. Exhaustion. Waking up and running in circles, going to sleep, repeating.

It gets pretty tough when you're too tired to maintain friendships and the "friends" only went to you as a last resort anyways. So, here it goes, put me on the front line next to someone else. Pick a soldier to save. I can guarantee it wouldn't be me.

Maybe I get too wrapped up in other things, maybe my focus is too limited. Right now, it's pretty much gone. I'm tired. That's the only thing I know as fact at this present moment in time.

I'm stuck in endless cycles of eating too much, crying, going to the gym, going on a diet, gaining weight anyways, etc. It's a prison, and I'll never be free. I'll never stop counting weight watchers points. I'll never forget the feeling of removing the poison, the taste of each individual item, coming around the second time.

Sometimes, I can say,"OK-- this is fine," but usually, the fear of gaining more is what kills me and paralyzes me and causes me to resort back to weight watchers and bad habits and the gym and the obsession over a starvation that won't ever really happen. Bleh.

I start the accutane today. I read the side effects and they scared me so incredibly much. But I have to do it. I have to take them. I can't live in my skin anymore.