Back to School

I know that this isn't about happiness, it's not about emotion, it's not about me. I know that He created us to mourn, He created us to suffer, He created us to praise Him through it and to use our experiences as a testimony to bring others to Him. I know all of these things, and I am glad to be a part of it.. but this bites.

I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know if it was because of the long break and my sleep pattern being thrown off or if it was of another cause. I got to school. He was waiting, as he said he would be, but I'm not sure if seeing him was a curse or a blessing. I guess I was cruel to him. I guess I'm lucky that he even wants friendship. But I don't know what I want. I want the past sometimes, although I know I'm better off the way I am now. I have no regrets, yet at the same time, I have so many. Parting was the hardest thing. I thought it'd be not holding his hand, not touching him, not drawing near enough to him to smell the scent of his skin. But it was leaving. It was, "Bye, see you," in the most casual way. I could hardly stand it, walking away, knowing that "Bye, see you" is all I'd ever get. It was a bit ridiculous of me, expecting more, but that's me. Even after breaking completely, I still want to live a fairy tale. It's OK, though. As long as he's happy.

I'll be happy eventually. I am happy, actually. Very. Freaking. Happy. I'm alive, I feel beautiful (at some points during the day--this is an improvement), the weather is beautiful, and I'm keeping busy. A little bit too busy, actually. I'm so not doing my Calculus homework tonight.