New Moon

I hate, hate, hate this! Never knowing where to draw the line. Setting up scenarios in my mind is making my stomach sick. And I'm shaking. My head is spinning. And then there's that voice--the one that keeps telling me that I have to hold it all together, to be perfect so that no one else has to hurt. After all, my pain afflicted upon another is what caused this. I can't mess up anymore, I can't let my open wounds bleed. I have to constantly apply pressure, so the lesion isn't noticeable. But then there's the other part of me, the part of me that wants everyone to know, to look, to understand. So if someone asks how I am, I just say terrible with the biggest, stupid fake smile I can manage, and I can say nothing more, for if I do, I will cry. Crying is certainly not allowed where people can see. Not anymore.

But where do you draw the line between friend and more? And then the line between sympathy and love? And how can you stop loving someone in one day? How can you stop loving someone at all? Especially after you thought that you would never love another person, especially after you made promises. I want to scream obscenities is his face and kick him to death because I'm so angry, but I'm not even angry at him. I'm angry at me for failing to measure up, failing to be what he needed, failing to fit into his future the right way. I'm an idiot for thinking I could fit into anyone's future the right way. What's wrong with me, thinking that I could make another person happy? I don't even want happiness anymore. I'd rather suffer being stuck on this one feeling because I don't want to let it go! It was perfect, it was amazing, it was what I wanted to feel for the rest of my life! And I'm bummed. I'm bummed. It wasn't even just what I wanted, it's what I thought was supposed to happen. I thought that it was one of those meant to be things. I was sure about it. And I would sound unsure sometimes, and I would say things that I didn't mean, but I was sure. Who would not feel like a completely moronic person after believing something so firmly and then having it tossed back in your face? I hate the word love. I absolutely hate it. I mean it when I say it now. I never used to mean it. It used to mean absolutely nothing except for Bye, you person that I like. See you later. Now it means something. At least to me. Maybe not to him or the hims before him, but I am never going to say I love you ever again until I can see more of God's plan. My heart hurts!

And I'm not trying to diss on this person that 100% of my blog readers know and love. I mean, I still love this person as my friend. Yes, I want more. But maybe it will go away... sometime. The thoughts of the future and other relationships for the both of us is absolute murder to my heart right now. I want to scream and cry and hit things and punch people out, but I'll deal. He said he didn't want a girlfriend, any girlfriend, so I'll believe him and find peace in that until I don't care anymore, even though, as I said above, I want to always care and want the things that I want now and wanted before because I really did think that I was right in wanting them. Am I creepy? Yes, yes I am. I need to shut up, but this is my stupid blog, and I can say what I want. I am just UPSET (and yes, the caps were necessary).

I don't know who said this, but I heard that it takes one half of the time it lasted to get over something. So, four months. It's almost February, sooo March, April, May, June--maybe by the summer, I will be free from this. I want to die before the summer. I want to drop dead and reawaken when it's time to go to college, so I won't have to see the same faces anymore and be judged by the same people anymore. I am honestly terribly at making friends, but I'll get better, and I'll make friends. And I'll die my hair brown and go without make-up and get my nose pierced because who cares what I look like anymore? No one really did in the first place, but I always try so hard to look "normal" that I end up hating myself because I'll never measure up, I'll never be perfect, ever.

I don't want to drop dead, really. I just want an identity. I lost mine because I was always the tall, artistic guy's girlfriend. I didn't mind. At this point, I still wouldn't mind being that. But I can't. And I want people to know me for me--but that takes work and I don't like work because I'm human and lazy. I know that I need to find my identity in Christ and people need to see me and Him through me. Ugh. I want that to be my desire, but for some reason it isn't--and I can't force desires. Because I have been away so long, I don't feel His love--not because it's not there, but because I've forgotten what it is, I've forgotten how it sounds, how it tastes. I can love. I can love hard, but at the same time, I have no idea what it really is and who God really is. But no one really knows. Mm, I pray that my desires will be changed. I hate that things don't work on my own timing, but I guess this is what's best. I want my heart to be changed inside and out, even though I don't want this. I just want to want this.

It sucks that I'm still in love with this person who is going to be in my life because he's my best friend, but I was always a little bit in love with him--ever since Algebra 2. I lived before this was recognized and acted upon, so I guess I can live after, even though I don't want to. Maybe this is just an eternal crush that will burn at my heart until I am parted from this person. Mrs. Goff, you nailed it, although it failed, but I miss the days when we denied it, when I was desired, and and ugh. I am talking it circles. I miss what filled the gaping hole in my chest. I feel like Bella when Edward left her, but my Jacob is my Edward, so it's difficult. Maybe a new Jacob will present himself in my life. But I don't want a new Jacob.

I want my birthday to happen. My parents won't be here, but I'll have freedom, so it doesn't matter. They're just doing what they have to do. Boss Man would be offended if they didn't take the cruise, so it's best that they go. We can't offend Boss Man because he pays my Dad, and I very much need for my Dad to be paid. I want to get a tattoo while they're gone. It'll hurt so much, though.. uggh. And I want to see people, lots of people, and stay out until 2 AM porque it is my freaking 18th birthday and I will have no parents telling me to come home. And I took off work, so chyeah, now I am pretty excited. And my parents want to throw me a party.. I don't know what to think about that. I'm not a huge party person. Especially if it's for me.. I mean what are you supposed to feel like--special or something? And how do you feel special? I don't know what it feels like. I don't know what it feels like to be excited or appropriately happy because I just don't feel things that way.. it's like a defect in my personality. I am a very chill (but so uptight) person. That makes so sense.

I want prom to happen too. I want to dress like a princess and dance and dance until my legs feel like they're going to fall off like they did last year and then eat crappy breakfast at 2 AM and fall asleep with pins in my hair. And I want Kristina to come to my prom and Rachel to come to my prom and Krysteah to come to my prom because it is going to be BA and fun and happy, no matter what we wear, where we eat, what we drive up in, etc. I'm still going with him because he's my best friend, and I wouldn't want to go with anyone else. I don't want to attend prom with a stranger who just wants to go with me because I'm "hot" and not because he really cares about me. Like last year. Bleh to last year, although I had fun with you, Amanda Boyle, when we went out to dinner and then stayed at Haley's.

And I want graduation, I want college. I want to learn to live on my own and take care of myself. I want to do my own laundry and clean my room and make my bed and schedule my own hair appointments and make a whole new life for myself. It'll suck financially, at first. But I'll get a hang of it. Life will work. I want to learn how to study this semester so I can be prepared for all of the studying that college demands. And I want to learn how to clean. Because I suck at that. Praise God for change and advancement in life! I love my UNCG hoodie and I want to wear it everywhere because I'm so happy that I finally know where I'm going and what I want to do. Even if I'm on my own, it'll be OK because I'll be learning, I'll be growing, and God will be working in me because he DOES answer prayers.. just on His time.

I could write twenty more pages, but my battery is dying and this impossible length will probably keep the majority of people from readying this anyways.

I'm still stuck, but right now, I have to be.