2008

It's my turn to reflect.

January-
When 12:00 AM hit, and it became 2008, I was asleep on the couch. I didn't expect to be there. Just two-three weeks before, I had the "perfect" boyfriend, the "perfect" life, and all of the sudden, it had just vanished. He grew tired of me. I was boring, undesirable. And completely and utterly obsessed with him. I clung to my friends mostly, although I had ignored them for probably the past two months. They were there for me through this, though, although I criticized some of them and called them fake and tore apart their heads with my own. I ran track a lot too. I wanted to be good, but I wasn't anymore. I was sick. I had been sick since the summer, but it had developed more throughly. Spells came more often than I had ever intended them too. I was interested in a friend that I had always considered good looking, but never really considered. He seemed to be interested in me too, but things didn't work out and because of my fragility, I was heartbroken. I was extremely mean to him after this.

February-
The sickness continued to develop, and I told a few people. One of these people was particularly concerned with me and completely easy to manipulate, so I manipulated him. And he fell in love with me. I couldn't bare to be alone on Valentine's Day, so instead I got roses from a boy I never really knew. We hung out only occasionally and never spoke to each other on the phone. He was concerned about school, and so was I. It was easy. I didn't have to work at anything. I just had to exist. We had agreed to go to prom before all of this because after my unexpected breakup, I was terrified of not having a date for prom. Prom was everything to me. During this month, I planned and planned and tried to make perfect arrangements and agreed to go with a group of people that I didn't know all that well. But I had the perfect dress...

March-
Prom, birthday, stress from homework. The relationship developed, but not much more. I had a good amount of friends, I started to become closer to a few, but I was falling in and out of things all of the time. I wanted my prom to be perfect. I obsessed over every detail. I planned and planned and threw my whole life into this one night that would soon pass with people that I didn't even enjoy very much (I know I'm repeating this from last month, but it was all the same). I praise God that Amanda Boyle agreed to come with me and the group I went with.. otherwise, I would have felt so wrong. My birthday followed, and I spent it alone. I was really angry. I cried a lot. I wanted to talk to people and mess with their heads and make them feel sorry for me. This was wrong. But it's all that I wanted. I wanted them to see me cry, to see me in agony, although it was hardly even close to that. I was far from God. I wanted to be thin, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be seen, but I wanted these things from the world. My sickness continued to develop. It scared me. I lied about it a lot. But it got worse and worse. I needed it, craved it.

April/May-
These months blurred. So much happened, but I can't seen to separate the events into two different months. I got a job, and I soon became completely dissatisfied with my relationship. I wanted more, I demanded more, I had to have more immediately, that instant, or it was over. And then he became afraid. He had always been afraid to kiss me before, but he did and on the same day, he broke it off in a Facebook message. I was infuriated and humiliated, but I decided to go to church that night. I prayed and cried and felt like I was being told that it was OK- He would determine who I was supposed to be with and when. I didn't have to work at it. It would be fine. Matthew 7:11 "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" He knew what I needed, who I needed, and when. Almost immediately, I got an IM from an old friend who I hadn't talked to in a long time. I used to tell him everything, but some things in his life and some things in mine got in the way and kept us from talking to each other. We were finally both free, so we agreed to hang out sometime. It was weird, the things we were both going through. I was renewed and he was new, you know? It fit. We believed in the same things. He called me when I was with some friends at the bowling alley. I was still very sick, but he knew (although the severity was unclear). We went on a date, and it was amazing, but I wasn't sure if it was really a date or not. I really liked him, but was guarded. I was so scared, and it felt so weird after only being his friend for such a long time. In Algebra 2 and Civics where we sat and talked about calculators and gum and how passing a law was like baking a cake and when he drew me pictures when I said I wanted to die, we were friends.. it felt like more sometimes, but we were friends.. and seeing him as more.. it was just.. weird. We went on another date a little later. We saw Prince Caspian and held hands when the talking rat came on the screen. We went to his youth group afterward, which was also amazing and full of people that I knew, and then I took him home. We talked in the car for a long time. And he asked me to be his girlfriend in the strangest way. I said no, and then he kissed me. We hung out a lot and held hands at school. He was my Gatsby. One day, I got tired of waiting for him to ask me in the perfect way, so I declared us as dating. That marked the end of May. I became a lot sicker during April and May without realizing it. People were worried about me. I got called up to the guidance office one day. I lied. It was so easy. I wished that I could lie to more people, but I couldn't. Not well. I didn't want to be sick, but I was. I had no control over it. Everyone talks about my disease like it's something so easy to get rid of, something simple to stop doing, but it's not. It follows me like a shadow where ever I go-- it haunts me when I least expect it to. But, I didn't freak out about it as much in these months.. these months were good months. I was learning to draw nearer to God--I called to Him and He answered.. I thought my sickness would leave me, but I had so much to learn.

June/July-
School ended. I was free. The summer allowed me to hang out with my Gatsby a lot, although I worked and he worked and we went on beach trips at different times and I went to camp and yeah. Krysteah came to Myrtle Beach with my me and my family. Tim and his family (minus his padre) joined us there. It was really fun--being together again.. we had all been best friends since we were 5 and 6. I missed that, I still miss that, but the distance that I put between myself and other people kept me from fully enjoying the short amount of time that I had with them. And the sickness. I avoided spells while at the beach (and I started my period for the first time in a year), but I thought about it.. I dreamed about it. I saw it on my stomach, on my legs. I went home and wished that I could have stayed longer. Pretty soon, I had to go to Youth Summer Camp with my church. I didn't want to go. Sometimes I still wish that I hadn't gone. I confessed some things there to some people, and I committed to getting rid of some things (the sickness), but it was harder than I thought it would be. It took way more than I thought it would. I had to tell a certain person about it, and I didn't want to. It was too hard, so I avoided her at all costs, I was rude to her whenever I was forced to be with her... and I just wasn't myself. I was being convicted to tell her, and I was avoided it. These were the results. I told her eventually.. I don't remember when. It was much later than these summer months, but she knew. And she didn't care. It was my problem. It was bad for me. I knew this. But it was my problem, my problem alone. She had nothing to do with it, and there was nothing that she could do to help me. We avoided talking about it after this. I was, in a way, devasted that something so serious to me could just be.. ignored. I was dying inside and out. But I prayed and was in the Word daily.. I was suffering, but I knew what I was suffering for. I knew that this sickness was necessary for me to really grow. At times, this fact made me want to hold onto it because I really did need it, but I had to give those thoughts to God--the need I was implying my holding onto it was much different than the need that it really was. That probably makes no since to anyone, but oh well.

August/September-
School started, cross country started, I worked too often, I practiced too hard, and I was sick all the while. It didn't get to me until later. I kept getting slower, and I didn't understand why. I hated myself for failing at so many things. School was killing me, work was killing me.. I was gaining weight, I was breaking out. I turned away from the Word a few times, but I always came back. I talked to a lot of people and developed some important friendships. I wanted to be involved with everything all at once. But life was so hard. My Gatsby was always amazing, always there for me--he was the things that I lacked. He was positive, he was caring, he was compassionate. I felt blessed to have him, as I still do..

October-
School started to become more stressful. In this month and in September, I would fall behind and bounce back again, crying while I was in the pits. I cried over Chemistry, I cried over Calculus, I cried over my running times.. I was obsessed with all of it. I wanted to be perfect, to do everything, to win everything, but at the same time I was failing. I had held an amazing group of friends up to this point, but near the end of the month, this really shattered in my mind. Halloween night was terrible. What started out as a movie night turned into an Amanda crying in her car night. I still don't really understand what went down.. but my Gatsby was there for me. He was there for me when no one else was. Cross country ended this month too.. I was so amazingly happy to be through with it. I liked the 'staying in shape' part, but I didn't fit with everyone else.

November-
Senior project was becoming more stressful, but soon it would be over. I scrambled to finish my paper and the majority of my product--but I couldn't make myself do it. I was incredibly lazy and very prone to making myself sick at every opportunity that I could get. I said, "No, not anymore," but I couldn't help it. It just happened like breathing happens. It wasn't something I could control. I went to Saturate early on in this month. I was excited about it. I annoyed my parents, begging them to let me go at every opportunity. But I went, and I was a stone. I didn't want to be. I don't know if I closed myself off purposely or not.. but I felt nothing. It discouraged me a lot. I felt dysfunctional, broken. Afterward, I tried to shake it off. I tried to just read my Bible and pray--but then I decided that I'd rather not care. So that is where my devotional life died. The military ball was this month too.. it was fun, although I stressed about going. For some reason, I had to see Starewell perform or it would be tragic. But I did see them and my Gatsby sang a song and it was amazing! He is amazing. We hit our half-year mark in this month too.

December-
I started taking birth control so I could start taking Accutane. I signed my life away to a dermatologist. The birth control made me insane. I hated everything and everyone and I was always sad and everything was tragic and the world was going to end at every little accident and.. it was terrible. Senior project ended this month. I was so nervous that I cried, but I ended up making a B, which I'm pissed about because most people made A's and ugh. I'm so stupid sometimes. This Christmas was different.. if my family had ever had any sort of traditions, they were all broken. They did everything without me and didn't seem to care about my absence. This was depressing, but it made me want to spend even more time away from them.. I got in so many arguments with my mom. This still goes on. But.. I spent most of Christmas break with my Gatsby. I had Christmas dinner with both sides of his family and it felt so weird to me.. I've never met any other boyfriend's extended family before. It felt special, it felt cool. I felt madly out of place and awkward.. but it still felt cool. Then the year ended.

I'm so incredibly tired of typing this blog, so here. This is it.