Zephaniah 3:14-20

Sing, O daughter of Zion!
Shout, O Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
O daughter of Jerusalem!
The LORD has taken away your judgments,
He has cast out your enemy.
The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst;
You shall see[a] disaster no more.
In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:

“ Do not fear;
Zion, let not your hands be weak.
The LORD your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
“ I will gather those who sorrow over the appointed assembly,
Who are among you,
To whom its reproach is a burden.
Behold, at that time
I will deal with all who afflict you;
I will save the lame,
And gather those who were driven out;
I will appoint them for praise and fame
In every land where they were put to shame.
At that time I will bring you back,
Even at the time I gather you;
For I will give you fame and praise
Among all the peoples of the earth,
When I return your captives before your eyes,”
Says the LORD.


I fell asleep with this laying open next to me. God is good [:

Back to School

I know that this isn't about happiness, it's not about emotion, it's not about me. I know that He created us to mourn, He created us to suffer, He created us to praise Him through it and to use our experiences as a testimony to bring others to Him. I know all of these things, and I am glad to be a part of it.. but this bites.

I couldn't sleep last night. I don't know if it was because of the long break and my sleep pattern being thrown off or if it was of another cause. I got to school. He was waiting, as he said he would be, but I'm not sure if seeing him was a curse or a blessing. I guess I was cruel to him. I guess I'm lucky that he even wants friendship. But I don't know what I want. I want the past sometimes, although I know I'm better off the way I am now. I have no regrets, yet at the same time, I have so many. Parting was the hardest thing. I thought it'd be not holding his hand, not touching him, not drawing near enough to him to smell the scent of his skin. But it was leaving. It was, "Bye, see you," in the most casual way. I could hardly stand it, walking away, knowing that "Bye, see you" is all I'd ever get. It was a bit ridiculous of me, expecting more, but that's me. Even after breaking completely, I still want to live a fairy tale. It's OK, though. As long as he's happy.

I'll be happy eventually. I am happy, actually. Very. Freaking. Happy. I'm alive, I feel beautiful (at some points during the day--this is an improvement), the weather is beautiful, and I'm keeping busy. A little bit too busy, actually. I'm so not doing my Calculus homework tonight.

Psalm 28:7

Hm, my heart is so full that it could burst!

I'm in love with life, with love, and with Jesus Christ, who defines both of the following. He has blessed me so in these past 3-4 days (and throughout my whole life)!

I'm excited for the new step that I'm making in this old relationship that He has brought back to meee.. (: Even if it's a small step, it's things like this that mean everything. Absolutely everything. He is painting my picture and answering my prayers. This is honestly the best thing that could have ever happened to me--having my heart stomped on, only to be completely renewed with a simple prayer of desperation. I never would have come back to this if I hadn't come away from that. I'm sad, but I am happy. I know it won't always feel like this, but I was to praise Him through everything. I want to give Him the love and devotion that I should. Mmm, He is my Lord and Savior. Forever and ever- amen.

--

But on a side note, I'm excited for the new semester. I'm excited about old friendships being rekindled and new relationships being built. I don't know where the Lord is taking me, but I have so many decisions to make. And the jealousy that I felt, I know realize is completely pointless. I'm above that. This semester I want to learn to love like I've never loved before... and I want to learn how to study, so I can survive in college. Yay for Anatomy and Sociology and Bible Studies--they will teach me how to study my butt off like Kevin does.

A la la la la la la, life is wonderful [:


The LORD is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.

That's pretty much the only dress I like at David's Bridal. I want it to be greener, though.

Hurry up, prom. Hurry up days where I can feel better and nights where I can sleep.

--

New Moon

I hate, hate, hate this! Never knowing where to draw the line. Setting up scenarios in my mind is making my stomach sick. And I'm shaking. My head is spinning. And then there's that voice--the one that keeps telling me that I have to hold it all together, to be perfect so that no one else has to hurt. After all, my pain afflicted upon another is what caused this. I can't mess up anymore, I can't let my open wounds bleed. I have to constantly apply pressure, so the lesion isn't noticeable. But then there's the other part of me, the part of me that wants everyone to know, to look, to understand. So if someone asks how I am, I just say terrible with the biggest, stupid fake smile I can manage, and I can say nothing more, for if I do, I will cry. Crying is certainly not allowed where people can see. Not anymore.

But where do you draw the line between friend and more? And then the line between sympathy and love? And how can you stop loving someone in one day? How can you stop loving someone at all? Especially after you thought that you would never love another person, especially after you made promises. I want to scream obscenities is his face and kick him to death because I'm so angry, but I'm not even angry at him. I'm angry at me for failing to measure up, failing to be what he needed, failing to fit into his future the right way. I'm an idiot for thinking I could fit into anyone's future the right way. What's wrong with me, thinking that I could make another person happy? I don't even want happiness anymore. I'd rather suffer being stuck on this one feeling because I don't want to let it go! It was perfect, it was amazing, it was what I wanted to feel for the rest of my life! And I'm bummed. I'm bummed. It wasn't even just what I wanted, it's what I thought was supposed to happen. I thought that it was one of those meant to be things. I was sure about it. And I would sound unsure sometimes, and I would say things that I didn't mean, but I was sure. Who would not feel like a completely moronic person after believing something so firmly and then having it tossed back in your face? I hate the word love. I absolutely hate it. I mean it when I say it now. I never used to mean it. It used to mean absolutely nothing except for Bye, you person that I like. See you later. Now it means something. At least to me. Maybe not to him or the hims before him, but I am never going to say I love you ever again until I can see more of God's plan. My heart hurts!

And I'm not trying to diss on this person that 100% of my blog readers know and love. I mean, I still love this person as my friend. Yes, I want more. But maybe it will go away... sometime. The thoughts of the future and other relationships for the both of us is absolute murder to my heart right now. I want to scream and cry and hit things and punch people out, but I'll deal. He said he didn't want a girlfriend, any girlfriend, so I'll believe him and find peace in that until I don't care anymore, even though, as I said above, I want to always care and want the things that I want now and wanted before because I really did think that I was right in wanting them. Am I creepy? Yes, yes I am. I need to shut up, but this is my stupid blog, and I can say what I want. I am just UPSET (and yes, the caps were necessary).

I don't know who said this, but I heard that it takes one half of the time it lasted to get over something. So, four months. It's almost February, sooo March, April, May, June--maybe by the summer, I will be free from this. I want to die before the summer. I want to drop dead and reawaken when it's time to go to college, so I won't have to see the same faces anymore and be judged by the same people anymore. I am honestly terribly at making friends, but I'll get better, and I'll make friends. And I'll die my hair brown and go without make-up and get my nose pierced because who cares what I look like anymore? No one really did in the first place, but I always try so hard to look "normal" that I end up hating myself because I'll never measure up, I'll never be perfect, ever.

I don't want to drop dead, really. I just want an identity. I lost mine because I was always the tall, artistic guy's girlfriend. I didn't mind. At this point, I still wouldn't mind being that. But I can't. And I want people to know me for me--but that takes work and I don't like work because I'm human and lazy. I know that I need to find my identity in Christ and people need to see me and Him through me. Ugh. I want that to be my desire, but for some reason it isn't--and I can't force desires. Because I have been away so long, I don't feel His love--not because it's not there, but because I've forgotten what it is, I've forgotten how it sounds, how it tastes. I can love. I can love hard, but at the same time, I have no idea what it really is and who God really is. But no one really knows. Mm, I pray that my desires will be changed. I hate that things don't work on my own timing, but I guess this is what's best. I want my heart to be changed inside and out, even though I don't want this. I just want to want this.

It sucks that I'm still in love with this person who is going to be in my life because he's my best friend, but I was always a little bit in love with him--ever since Algebra 2. I lived before this was recognized and acted upon, so I guess I can live after, even though I don't want to. Maybe this is just an eternal crush that will burn at my heart until I am parted from this person. Mrs. Goff, you nailed it, although it failed, but I miss the days when we denied it, when I was desired, and and ugh. I am talking it circles. I miss what filled the gaping hole in my chest. I feel like Bella when Edward left her, but my Jacob is my Edward, so it's difficult. Maybe a new Jacob will present himself in my life. But I don't want a new Jacob.

I want my birthday to happen. My parents won't be here, but I'll have freedom, so it doesn't matter. They're just doing what they have to do. Boss Man would be offended if they didn't take the cruise, so it's best that they go. We can't offend Boss Man because he pays my Dad, and I very much need for my Dad to be paid. I want to get a tattoo while they're gone. It'll hurt so much, though.. uggh. And I want to see people, lots of people, and stay out until 2 AM porque it is my freaking 18th birthday and I will have no parents telling me to come home. And I took off work, so chyeah, now I am pretty excited. And my parents want to throw me a party.. I don't know what to think about that. I'm not a huge party person. Especially if it's for me.. I mean what are you supposed to feel like--special or something? And how do you feel special? I don't know what it feels like. I don't know what it feels like to be excited or appropriately happy because I just don't feel things that way.. it's like a defect in my personality. I am a very chill (but so uptight) person. That makes so sense.

I want prom to happen too. I want to dress like a princess and dance and dance until my legs feel like they're going to fall off like they did last year and then eat crappy breakfast at 2 AM and fall asleep with pins in my hair. And I want Kristina to come to my prom and Rachel to come to my prom and Krysteah to come to my prom because it is going to be BA and fun and happy, no matter what we wear, where we eat, what we drive up in, etc. I'm still going with him because he's my best friend, and I wouldn't want to go with anyone else. I don't want to attend prom with a stranger who just wants to go with me because I'm "hot" and not because he really cares about me. Like last year. Bleh to last year, although I had fun with you, Amanda Boyle, when we went out to dinner and then stayed at Haley's.

And I want graduation, I want college. I want to learn to live on my own and take care of myself. I want to do my own laundry and clean my room and make my bed and schedule my own hair appointments and make a whole new life for myself. It'll suck financially, at first. But I'll get a hang of it. Life will work. I want to learn how to study this semester so I can be prepared for all of the studying that college demands. And I want to learn how to clean. Because I suck at that. Praise God for change and advancement in life! I love my UNCG hoodie and I want to wear it everywhere because I'm so happy that I finally know where I'm going and what I want to do. Even if I'm on my own, it'll be OK because I'll be learning, I'll be growing, and God will be working in me because he DOES answer prayers.. just on His time.

I could write twenty more pages, but my battery is dying and this impossible length will probably keep the majority of people from readying this anyways.

I'm still stuck, but right now, I have to be.

The End

Because these words were never easier for me to say
Or you to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

--

Talking about it like it's some big, well-constructed plan makes it seem easier. It seems easier with rules and guidelines and questions-answered. I thought I was OK when I got off of the phone. I wasn't crying. I seemed calm enough--much calmer than before we talked, when I was hitting myself in the face, sobbing and suffocating in my blankets, and shaking uncontrollably (I thought I was cold, but it wasn't even cold yesterday). I could breathe. I was tired, and I wanted to fall asleep. But I couldn't. 1 AM, 2 AM, maybe a little bit of sleep, 3 AM, 4 AM, maybe a little more, 5 AM, 6 AM, a touch more, 7 AM, 8 AM, what's the point--I'm getting up now. And here I am, shaky and restless, nervous about 11 AM, when I officially lose what has become half of myself. It's almost funny that after we talked yesterday, I thought I wouldn't cry. It doesn't seem real, it hasn't really even hit me very hard yet, but it's hit the part of me that keeps me from sleeping, that makes me shiver when I'm not cold, the physical part of me that I never even imaged could be effected by something like this. Lovesick takes a physical form when 8 months comes undone over 3 weeks. I don't want to be angry or bitter or pathetic, but it's hard not to be. I wish I wasn't me with my stupid sickness and my stupid need for control and absurd lack of it. I want to control everyone else's feelings, but I can never even begin to start taming mine. Uggggggh, the end to the stupid dreams that I created for myself, other half intact.

Words are meaningless.

I'm sorry that I made this statement true.

I was going to try, I really was. I just put it off, blamed it on the pills, blamed it on the aftermath of the sickness that I tried to quit for you. And I did quit it. I still think about it, but I quit it. It's done. No more. No stolen toothbrushes and mysterious running water. It hurt you to see me suffer, so I stopped. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped for you, but for God. But I don't know how to do anything for God anymore. It doesn't motivate me anymore. Gosh, in the back of my mind, I know that He's forgiving and loving and His plan is perfect, but that doesn't motivate me anymore. Why? I don't understand why I have to be broken over and over again. Take away my head, take away my body, take away my heart--I have nothing left! I'm that same kid I was in the seventh grade who got called fat and ugly and then went and cut herself in the bathroom. There's really nothing different about me now except for the fact that I'm older. 1 step forward, 329432848 steps back! Gah...

Today

I know it's dark here, you know that I'm scared too
For some reason right now, of everything but you
Right now you're all that I recognize
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

You know it starts here, outside waiting in the cold
Kiss me once in the snow, I swear it never gets old
But I will promise you I can make it warmer next year
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I stay here, and everyday I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

So go plug in your electric blanket
We can stay in 'till our southern summer wedding day
Go plug in your electric blanket
We can stay here

--

There's a film on the wall,
makes the people look small
who are sitting beside it,
all consumed in the drama.
They must return to their lives once the hero has died.
They will drive to the office
stopping somewhere for coffee,
where the folk singers, poets and playwrights convene,
dispensing their wisdom,
Oh dear amateur orators.

They will detail their pain
In some standard refrain.
They will recite their sadness
Like it's some kind of contest.
Well, if it is, I think I am winning it,
All beaming with confidence
as I make my final lap.
The gold medal gleams
so hang it around my neck
cause I am deserving it:
the champion of idiots.

--



A post full of lyrics because I don't feel like using my own words. Today was trying. I want to remember what Trust is, but it's hard. I want to learn what Love is, but I keep getting distracted. And I'm incredibly foolish on so many levels. But things will be OK, no matter what they will be OK. If I'm with or without what I want, they'll be OK because I'll have what I need forever. It's so hard to believe that, so hard.. that all that I need is right in front of my face, is in me and around me, yet I keep reaching for so many other things. I guess I lied, and now I'm using my own words, but seriously. This is hard. I talked to a friend today, about God. It's hard to believe in Him and do what He wants us to do when we can't feel Him. It's hard not to picture Him as this father who runs his house solely on rules and not love.. I know that He is Love, but it's just.. hard.

My heart hurts so badly right now. Things are different, relationships are different, and someone I know must have tried to kill themselves because they just got back from a mental hospital.. and my heart aches and burns for that person. I don't understand why (even though I will deny this again and again) that I worry so much about this person. Does he know any better? Ugh. I used to say that he was just making things up, messing with people's heads, but he must really be sad if he tried to kill himself. And it's not even the first time. Praise God that he has never been successful. But why is he so sad and why will he never listen to anyone who knows the truth and wants to care for him? I don't understand a lot of things...

2009

After spending 12 billion years writing that blog on 2008 that wasn't even a very good blog, I want to think about things that are going to happen. Being stuck in the past is depressing. It's fun to be nostalgic sometimes, but that was too much.

January.
Two more weeks, and it's over. It seems crazy. The year just started, and the first month is over in two weeks. This week marks a week of freedom from school and Calculus, but unfortunately, a week full of work. I am glad to get the hours that I've been asking for finally, but it's a bummer that I'm taking school and replacing it with work. My paycheck is going to be absolutely stellar, though. I really need to build my savings account back up. I need to start thinking about my future more instead of living in the moment so much. I don't need to fear my future and let it keep me from experiencing the present, but I just need to keep it in mind.

26th-
School starts back up next Monday with a new semester and new classes. I still have Calculus, but that's OK. I am free from Chemistry and English IV and the life-sucking Spanish III. I really wanted to learn a different language so I'd be able to break language barriers and help solve problems, but I learned absolutely nothing in that class. My mom bought Rosetta Stone for my sister one year when she was being home schooled. Maybe if I tried that and actually put effort into learning the language, I could accomplish something. I don't know. But I'm excited about my new classes--my second block with Amanda and my third and fourth with Ashton and Luke. I am super excited about Anatomy--learning so much about the human body, the amazing and incredible complexity... it's thrilling.

27th-
Eight months with my sweetheart. Maybe things haven't been the best lately, and it's entirely my stupid, selfish fault.. but in the world of high school relationships, eight months in special (at least to me). And I want to make it special for him too, even if I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish that. I love him. I really do.

31st-
This fast which is hardly a fast is over. Selfish me just wants to eat. Selfish me hasn't focused on the right things. Selfish me wants it to be a diet, but God knows better. It's hard for me to believe that He'll change my distorted perception, that He'll help me to focus on the right things, to see the big picture, to get my eyes off of myself--but He will. He is God. He can do anything. Although sometimes I'd like to believe that it'd be easier to part the Red Sea than to change the way my imperfect human mind works.

February.
Early in the month, I find out about UNCG scholarships. I know that I'm getting pretty much NOTHING for State and I really don't want to go to UNCW at all, so finding out about the scholarships is just telling me how long I'm going to be in debt after having to pay for college. I love my conversations with Amanda Boyle when we talk about out cluelessness and living without electricity in order to save money. I hope she gets to go to UNCW, and I hope that she is blessed with the right amount of money to go. But the next step of the UNCG scholarship thing is the interview in March, which I am terrified about if I even make it that far. After not being accepted into Chapel Hill, I'm doubting myself in so many ways. I was sure I would get it. I talked about not getting in, but in the back of my mind, I knew I would. But then I was waitlisted. Gah. I feel like such an idiot. If only I had tried harder, studied harder for the SAT's, done more community service, taken more time to write my essays. But I guess that it was God pointing me more towards UNCG. Not just because Luke will be there, but because of everything it has to offer. Nursing. It's crazy how God brought that idea to light. I was at work, and this customer starts talking about jobs and the economy. Then he asks me what I want to do, and I pull out my usual, stammered, "Uh, uh, I don't know. Maybe psychology stuff?" And then he starts to talk about teaching and nursing and how those positions are in very high demand. Then it clicked in my head. Nursing. I had always wanted to do something in the medical field. I had thought about being a doctor, but then after hearing so many people tell me how trying and expensive medical school could be, I was just like.. umm, no. But nursing. It's like--woah, perfect. And whenever I go to Dr. Rob's office for check-ups and blood tests and whatnot, I don't even see Dr. Rob because of the awkwardness. I see the Nurse Practitioner. After I saw her for the first time, I started asking my mom all these questions about medical school and nursing school and steps and family life and everything that she told me, it all made this perfect connection in my heart and my mind: I want this. The only reason my mom knows so much about that sort of thing is because she was originally going to school to become a doctor, but after seeing the cadavers that she would have to work on, she did a 180 with her career decision and went for an education degree. But its cool to see how everything happens for a reason. She was into that doctor stuff for a while so she could tell me about it, so God could speak through her to me about what He wants to do with my life. It's exciting. But UNCG has an amazing nursing school, and chyeah, I am excited. I need to shop for prom dresses too.

7th-
Raquel's Fiesta! She will be 18 (in January), but her fiesta will be awesome (as she is), and I'm so happy that she's finally having the amazing party with all of the focus on her as it should of been on all of her other birthdays. Silly shared dinner parties (although they were fun, but a little too dramatic).
14th-
Valentine's Day. Luke has his Teaching Fellows interview, and I'm so proud that he's made it so far and I hope and pray that God provides him with everything that he needs to go farther. He would make such an awesome teacher, although I'd never want to be a teacher because I'd probably murder someone, but you know. He's patient and kind and at the same time, he knows how to stand up for what he believes in. And I'm so happy about our first Valentine's Day together. Even though Valentine's Day is basically a greeting card holiday, it's nice to have a valentine. Especially such an amazingly, incredibly sweet one.

24th-
My sister turns 20. It's so weird to me. I don't know why. I hope she has a good birthday, though.

27th-
9 months with my loooove. 3/4 of a year! I'm excited and happy.

March.
So, if the UNCG stuff goes well, I have an interview sometime this month. The only interviews that I've ever really had are job interviews for Chick-fil-A, and the interviewing people (Glenn and Jerry) were so exceptionally nice that it was almost like I'd known them for a while and was just having a conversation. They asked me questions about my mornings and my future and my greatest influences. And they shared their answers too--that was mega cool and chill. But these interviews, I am scared about. Oh, and I have had other job interviews too, but I've never had a job before Chick-fil-A, so obviously those did not go very well.

21st- I turn 18. Woo. I'm not even that excited.

27th- 10 months.

April.
9th- PROM! PROM! PROM! with novio asombroso <333

21st- Nathaniel turns 12.

27th- 11.<3

May.
School will be wrapping up. Krysteah will turn 18 on the 18th. Exciting stuff. And I'll have to confirm where I want to go to college and stuff. Woah.

June.
GRADUATION! High school will be over forever :D


And that's as far as I can think right now.

2008

It's my turn to reflect.

January-
When 12:00 AM hit, and it became 2008, I was asleep on the couch. I didn't expect to be there. Just two-three weeks before, I had the "perfect" boyfriend, the "perfect" life, and all of the sudden, it had just vanished. He grew tired of me. I was boring, undesirable. And completely and utterly obsessed with him. I clung to my friends mostly, although I had ignored them for probably the past two months. They were there for me through this, though, although I criticized some of them and called them fake and tore apart their heads with my own. I ran track a lot too. I wanted to be good, but I wasn't anymore. I was sick. I had been sick since the summer, but it had developed more throughly. Spells came more often than I had ever intended them too. I was interested in a friend that I had always considered good looking, but never really considered. He seemed to be interested in me too, but things didn't work out and because of my fragility, I was heartbroken. I was extremely mean to him after this.

February-
The sickness continued to develop, and I told a few people. One of these people was particularly concerned with me and completely easy to manipulate, so I manipulated him. And he fell in love with me. I couldn't bare to be alone on Valentine's Day, so instead I got roses from a boy I never really knew. We hung out only occasionally and never spoke to each other on the phone. He was concerned about school, and so was I. It was easy. I didn't have to work at anything. I just had to exist. We had agreed to go to prom before all of this because after my unexpected breakup, I was terrified of not having a date for prom. Prom was everything to me. During this month, I planned and planned and tried to make perfect arrangements and agreed to go with a group of people that I didn't know all that well. But I had the perfect dress...

March-
Prom, birthday, stress from homework. The relationship developed, but not much more. I had a good amount of friends, I started to become closer to a few, but I was falling in and out of things all of the time. I wanted my prom to be perfect. I obsessed over every detail. I planned and planned and threw my whole life into this one night that would soon pass with people that I didn't even enjoy very much (I know I'm repeating this from last month, but it was all the same). I praise God that Amanda Boyle agreed to come with me and the group I went with.. otherwise, I would have felt so wrong. My birthday followed, and I spent it alone. I was really angry. I cried a lot. I wanted to talk to people and mess with their heads and make them feel sorry for me. This was wrong. But it's all that I wanted. I wanted them to see me cry, to see me in agony, although it was hardly even close to that. I was far from God. I wanted to be thin, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be seen, but I wanted these things from the world. My sickness continued to develop. It scared me. I lied about it a lot. But it got worse and worse. I needed it, craved it.

April/May-
These months blurred. So much happened, but I can't seen to separate the events into two different months. I got a job, and I soon became completely dissatisfied with my relationship. I wanted more, I demanded more, I had to have more immediately, that instant, or it was over. And then he became afraid. He had always been afraid to kiss me before, but he did and on the same day, he broke it off in a Facebook message. I was infuriated and humiliated, but I decided to go to church that night. I prayed and cried and felt like I was being told that it was OK- He would determine who I was supposed to be with and when. I didn't have to work at it. It would be fine. Matthew 7:11 "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" He knew what I needed, who I needed, and when. Almost immediately, I got an IM from an old friend who I hadn't talked to in a long time. I used to tell him everything, but some things in his life and some things in mine got in the way and kept us from talking to each other. We were finally both free, so we agreed to hang out sometime. It was weird, the things we were both going through. I was renewed and he was new, you know? It fit. We believed in the same things. He called me when I was with some friends at the bowling alley. I was still very sick, but he knew (although the severity was unclear). We went on a date, and it was amazing, but I wasn't sure if it was really a date or not. I really liked him, but was guarded. I was so scared, and it felt so weird after only being his friend for such a long time. In Algebra 2 and Civics where we sat and talked about calculators and gum and how passing a law was like baking a cake and when he drew me pictures when I said I wanted to die, we were friends.. it felt like more sometimes, but we were friends.. and seeing him as more.. it was just.. weird. We went on another date a little later. We saw Prince Caspian and held hands when the talking rat came on the screen. We went to his youth group afterward, which was also amazing and full of people that I knew, and then I took him home. We talked in the car for a long time. And he asked me to be his girlfriend in the strangest way. I said no, and then he kissed me. We hung out a lot and held hands at school. He was my Gatsby. One day, I got tired of waiting for him to ask me in the perfect way, so I declared us as dating. That marked the end of May. I became a lot sicker during April and May without realizing it. People were worried about me. I got called up to the guidance office one day. I lied. It was so easy. I wished that I could lie to more people, but I couldn't. Not well. I didn't want to be sick, but I was. I had no control over it. Everyone talks about my disease like it's something so easy to get rid of, something simple to stop doing, but it's not. It follows me like a shadow where ever I go-- it haunts me when I least expect it to. But, I didn't freak out about it as much in these months.. these months were good months. I was learning to draw nearer to God--I called to Him and He answered.. I thought my sickness would leave me, but I had so much to learn.

June/July-
School ended. I was free. The summer allowed me to hang out with my Gatsby a lot, although I worked and he worked and we went on beach trips at different times and I went to camp and yeah. Krysteah came to Myrtle Beach with my me and my family. Tim and his family (minus his padre) joined us there. It was really fun--being together again.. we had all been best friends since we were 5 and 6. I missed that, I still miss that, but the distance that I put between myself and other people kept me from fully enjoying the short amount of time that I had with them. And the sickness. I avoided spells while at the beach (and I started my period for the first time in a year), but I thought about it.. I dreamed about it. I saw it on my stomach, on my legs. I went home and wished that I could have stayed longer. Pretty soon, I had to go to Youth Summer Camp with my church. I didn't want to go. Sometimes I still wish that I hadn't gone. I confessed some things there to some people, and I committed to getting rid of some things (the sickness), but it was harder than I thought it would be. It took way more than I thought it would. I had to tell a certain person about it, and I didn't want to. It was too hard, so I avoided her at all costs, I was rude to her whenever I was forced to be with her... and I just wasn't myself. I was being convicted to tell her, and I was avoided it. These were the results. I told her eventually.. I don't remember when. It was much later than these summer months, but she knew. And she didn't care. It was my problem. It was bad for me. I knew this. But it was my problem, my problem alone. She had nothing to do with it, and there was nothing that she could do to help me. We avoided talking about it after this. I was, in a way, devasted that something so serious to me could just be.. ignored. I was dying inside and out. But I prayed and was in the Word daily.. I was suffering, but I knew what I was suffering for. I knew that this sickness was necessary for me to really grow. At times, this fact made me want to hold onto it because I really did need it, but I had to give those thoughts to God--the need I was implying my holding onto it was much different than the need that it really was. That probably makes no since to anyone, but oh well.

August/September-
School started, cross country started, I worked too often, I practiced too hard, and I was sick all the while. It didn't get to me until later. I kept getting slower, and I didn't understand why. I hated myself for failing at so many things. School was killing me, work was killing me.. I was gaining weight, I was breaking out. I turned away from the Word a few times, but I always came back. I talked to a lot of people and developed some important friendships. I wanted to be involved with everything all at once. But life was so hard. My Gatsby was always amazing, always there for me--he was the things that I lacked. He was positive, he was caring, he was compassionate. I felt blessed to have him, as I still do..

October-
School started to become more stressful. In this month and in September, I would fall behind and bounce back again, crying while I was in the pits. I cried over Chemistry, I cried over Calculus, I cried over my running times.. I was obsessed with all of it. I wanted to be perfect, to do everything, to win everything, but at the same time I was failing. I had held an amazing group of friends up to this point, but near the end of the month, this really shattered in my mind. Halloween night was terrible. What started out as a movie night turned into an Amanda crying in her car night. I still don't really understand what went down.. but my Gatsby was there for me. He was there for me when no one else was. Cross country ended this month too.. I was so amazingly happy to be through with it. I liked the 'staying in shape' part, but I didn't fit with everyone else.

November-
Senior project was becoming more stressful, but soon it would be over. I scrambled to finish my paper and the majority of my product--but I couldn't make myself do it. I was incredibly lazy and very prone to making myself sick at every opportunity that I could get. I said, "No, not anymore," but I couldn't help it. It just happened like breathing happens. It wasn't something I could control. I went to Saturate early on in this month. I was excited about it. I annoyed my parents, begging them to let me go at every opportunity. But I went, and I was a stone. I didn't want to be. I don't know if I closed myself off purposely or not.. but I felt nothing. It discouraged me a lot. I felt dysfunctional, broken. Afterward, I tried to shake it off. I tried to just read my Bible and pray--but then I decided that I'd rather not care. So that is where my devotional life died. The military ball was this month too.. it was fun, although I stressed about going. For some reason, I had to see Starewell perform or it would be tragic. But I did see them and my Gatsby sang a song and it was amazing! He is amazing. We hit our half-year mark in this month too.

December-
I started taking birth control so I could start taking Accutane. I signed my life away to a dermatologist. The birth control made me insane. I hated everything and everyone and I was always sad and everything was tragic and the world was going to end at every little accident and.. it was terrible. Senior project ended this month. I was so nervous that I cried, but I ended up making a B, which I'm pissed about because most people made A's and ugh. I'm so stupid sometimes. This Christmas was different.. if my family had ever had any sort of traditions, they were all broken. They did everything without me and didn't seem to care about my absence. This was depressing, but it made me want to spend even more time away from them.. I got in so many arguments with my mom. This still goes on. But.. I spent most of Christmas break with my Gatsby. I had Christmas dinner with both sides of his family and it felt so weird to me.. I've never met any other boyfriend's extended family before. It felt special, it felt cool. I felt madly out of place and awkward.. but it still felt cool. Then the year ended.

I'm so incredibly tired of typing this blog, so here. This is it.

List

Thanks, Joe, for reminding me of this. Random numbers for random people at midnight.

one.

You're so different. Or maybe it's me that's different, but we don't click anymore like me used to. You just put up with me, and then you ditch me at the first possible chance. We used to talk so much about accountability. Whatever happened to that? You have no idea that I haven't read my Bible or really prayed to God in over a month. I was interested. I wanted to be there for you. But it was a one sided feeling. Now we're one thousand miles apart (not physically), and it seems as if you could care less. Every attempt that I make to get closer to you, you shrug it off. Every time that I speak to you, you treat me like I'm some annoying little kid. I miss our friendships and conversations.

two.

You're definitely different in a different way, but I miss hanging out with you and I hate that we both don't care enough to change that. Hopefully we can hang out more if you have as big of a break as I do after exams. I worry sometimes that you'll fly too far off track. But you have protection. I need to call you next week.

three.

I miss hanging out with you too, but I see you more often than I see the above person. You're also closer, although I shared over half of my life with the above person. And still, we're not even that close. You're the kind of person that needs to be pursued in some cases. I understand that, but it's hard when I'm the same way. I feel like I can tell you most anything and you wouldn't get mad at me. That's nice, but I want you to feel the same way. I'm not completely volatile, you know? You're always looking for people to save, but can't you just chill and let have fun when you want to have fun without feeling guilty for forgetting to call your friend who wants to die and hates her life and wants you to hate your life so she won't feel left out and so on and so forth? I'm not really referring to a specific example here, by the way. I just want to be better friends with you.

four.

I absolutely and positively love you. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for you. You're everything I ever needed/wanted in a person, and I would say more, but what we have and what I feel about you is indescribable.. you get cheated a lot, it seems like.. I wish I could be there all the time and fight for you and make things the way they should be. I want to take care of you for the rest of my life.

five.

Our friendship doesn't feel the same. It isn't. You're a hypocrite, and everyone always takes your side. I hate it because you're not always right. You're still my friend the same way that I'm still your friend. All of the above things are also true about me. No one ever really takes my side, but hey, what is this.. kindergarten? I wish that we both weren't so argumentative and easily annoyed. You never really used to be.. but you are now for some reason. This whole paragraph about you is definitely the pot calling the cattle black, but oh well. At least I know this. I still like talking to you. We should do it more often. We don't have a lot in common anymore, but maybe we do? Who knows. It's been a while since we've ever really hung out.

six.

I don't like you sometimes, but I hardly ever see you, so it's OK. I miss your personality, but I always hated trying to get your attention. I like the fact that you have strong opinions. Just don't be too harsh with people, OK?


I'm tired now. And frustrated.

So, this is it. Life. Exhaustion. Waking up and running in circles, going to sleep, repeating.

It gets pretty tough when you're too tired to maintain friendships and the "friends" only went to you as a last resort anyways. So, here it goes, put me on the front line next to someone else. Pick a soldier to save. I can guarantee it wouldn't be me.

Maybe I get too wrapped up in other things, maybe my focus is too limited. Right now, it's pretty much gone. I'm tired. That's the only thing I know as fact at this present moment in time.

I'm stuck in endless cycles of eating too much, crying, going to the gym, going on a diet, gaining weight anyways, etc. It's a prison, and I'll never be free. I'll never stop counting weight watchers points. I'll never forget the feeling of removing the poison, the taste of each individual item, coming around the second time.

Sometimes, I can say,"OK-- this is fine," but usually, the fear of gaining more is what kills me and paralyzes me and causes me to resort back to weight watchers and bad habits and the gym and the obsession over a starvation that won't ever really happen. Bleh.

I start the accutane today. I read the side effects and they scared me so incredibly much. But I have to do it. I have to take them. I can't live in my skin anymore.

You are such a hypocrite. No, wait, you two are both hypocrites. I dislike you both with every bit of dislike that I have in me right now. I'm trying very hard not to use "hate" or any form of profanities. Maybe it wasn't the pills that made me want to retrace my scars. Maybe it was you. I'm your dream girl, the child you always wanted, the one who does everything for you-- I make good grades, I make you proud. Why treat me like this? I get upset and you're not there for me. You just criticize, you always criticize. You criticize things in me that are also found in you. My throat hurts from holding back the tears that I won't let come. You aren't worth that, neither of you is worth that. I'm wasting my time being upset, retracing scars, breaking my toes from kicking the wall. I can't take this much longer.

Walk On Water or Drown

It's 2009, and everything feels exactly the same.

Well, not really.

And I don't know why I expect things to be magically "different" anyways. I guess it's sort of like birthdays when you expect them to be super exciting and you expect to feel super older, but then you feel the same as the day before.

Hm. God surprised me today. It's sort of funny that he would give me the gift that he gave me on the first of the year. I mean, I knew it had to be coming, but it was late, so I wasn't expecting it TODAY because it's been so long since I've had it and who knows how I work anymore. For a while I thought I was completely broken and dysfunctional, but I guess I'm not, although right now it seems like it'd be so much less painful that way. I can hardly stand up without wanting to scream in pain. Maybe I'm just a baby who needs to get used to this sort of thing. Blech.

Stupid pain, stupid pills.

But I'm starting new ones. I won't be crazy anymore. I won't want to retrace the scars on my arms and murder relationships that took years to build up. And I won't gain any more weight for no reason.

Even though I'm trying not to let that tear me apart. I'm trying to see myself through sane eyes, eyes that are not warped after looking into trashy magazines and fun house mirrors for so long. I'm not fat, and I don't need to lose weight. I just want to lose it so I'll feel better, lighter, prettier. And I want to do it the right way. My twisted brain makes starving seem so glamorous when it makes me feel as dry as a bone and unable to stand still or straight. I forgot what healthy meant..

I'm supposed to start eating meat again, but the thought scares me. I ate shrimp today and it was easy, but when I tried to eat other things, I kept thinking about what they looked like before they were killed and ground up and... ew. Chick-fil-A tomorrow! Ugh.

In other news, my boyfriend is amazing and I can't wait to go to college. UNCG is looking better and better everyday.