I Dreamed You Were Carried Away By the Crest of a Wave

Frustration leads to examination. Examination leads to discovery. Discovery leads to growth. And this growth is hope, this growth is freedom. Although displayed negatively, these words have been written in a positive light. Saving up sentiment, bottling up emotion is what causes the paint to mix into something poisonous. This may by bitterness displayed, but it is better than bitterness fermented, bitterness twisted, bitterness bleeding like ink, dripping down my throat.

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I guess it was an escape from reality. In giving up what I gave up, I was strong. I was a warrior, a survivor, I did not need. And I was different. I didn't have to grow up. I lived in Never Never Land, floating lightly as a brightly colored autumn leaf, resting on the wings of a fictional angel. But I temporarily blinded, I couldn't recognize where I was, I couldn't recognize what I had become. Instead of loving, instead of thriving in my fantasy world, I recognized it as a time of suffering, a time of dying. Living inside the mirror wasn't a miracle, it was a curse.

And if you believe something long enough, proclaim a single statement with diligence and perseverance, you can speak it into existence.

The glass shattered slowly, the ice melted with the newly created fire, and something that once stood so gracefully, so beautifully, now lays like old rain in the crevices of the sidewalk. I am weak, I am liquid, this is reality, this is my curse.

I am who I said I was, not then, but now. I am the opposite of my affections, the monster in previous nightmares. And I think I'm starting to be OK with that, I think I'm starting to turn this thing around. There is no such thing as a free ride. One must always sacrifice. In these situations, it is what is given that makes all the difference.


And I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

On another note:

I should have stayed behind glass. I shouldn't have revealed the pounding in my chest, I shouldn't have proclaimed the magic words that make a statement like this irreversible. Now I'm in, and I can't get out. It's getting deeper, I'm getting attached to something I won't be able to hang onto. And it's only been a week. How can I feel so much in a week? How can I resist and then slip in gently and violently all at once, my emotions raging, my composure settling and unsettling, my hope soaring when I hear I hear the crack of his lips, the smile in his voice? How could I be so stupid? How could I let myself feel again?