Process

Her blonde curls, fresh out of Mommy's new sponge rollers, framed her face. She was happy, but she was concerned. She reached out her tiny, four-year-old fingers to touch cold hands that were covering a visage saturated in pain. "I'll take care of you, don't worry," whispered the girl. "I'll take your pain."

Three years later, she's at a loss for words. Friendship has to be the largest burden although it is her sole desire in these moment. The smallest rejection send big, hot tears down her porcelain face, and she sits alone. "If you promise not to cry, I might let you into my club," said the pale girl, the future enemy. "I just can't handle you."

And then she's on her front porch and she can't French braid. The hot tears begin and then she's chewing on her wrist, scratching up her veins. And then Mommy says, "It's alright. You can't be perfect. You'll never be perfect."

She's swimming, swimming, swimming--a whale in a pool of eels. The difference was shocking, and the reaction was greater. "Oh you're so good, but you're so..."

And then she's back in school and she talks and she talks and she falls inloveorsoshethought at age 12, but it was really one of those, 'Wow, you're mine,' type of things rather than a physical, emotional mess. It ends quickly once social status is established and then the real thing comes along.. I mean, as real as it can be for a 12-yr-old, but this 12-yr-old romance is the messiest of the messiest. It's going nowhere, but it's deep.

So praise be to God and new, older boyfriends (3 years older, to be exact) who introduce new teenagers to broken hearts. And this, particular broken heart doesn't really know how to act. So it's back to the beginning, back to the failed French braids. Then she learns manipulation, and things pan out a while longer. And now she's learning to be a tease. Three J's in one summer. And one of them has his hand down her pants on the 3rd of July and oops, he has a girlfriend.

Summer and new smelling offices and a new hair color mark the new school year. Everybody knows everything that went on and she's trying and coming close and then winning again. And she wins and she wastes and then she's through. And then she looks in the mirror at her stupid, dark hair and her stupid, natural figure and she's done with the girl that she is. So she becomes new and his eyes are so blue. Who cares if he's cheating? His eyes are so blue. And she's losing and she's losing and then it's summer time.

The 12-year-old romance is raised from the dead. He's calling her every night and whispered nothings. And she's falling, falling, falling--and they're on her porch after the second date and they hug and he leans in and her whole body is shaking and he kisses her, he kisses her. And this is real. This is everything. She's in love forever and completely, and her hands won't stop shaking.

And then, a couple of weeks later, she wakes up and the TV is on and she just knows. And that night, she watches the Notebook and cries and cries. She loves the morning, her morning. She'll always miss her morning.

She's entering high school and she's so incredibly bored. The morning comes and his sun shines, so she plays Barbie and finds a Ken to use and it happens. And it's over. He won't cooperate. But she'll forever be fond of his eyes... and then she meets someone at random, and he is faithful to her. He isn't the morning and he's getting boring, so she falls out of it all. And then the morning kisses her on her birthday. And she kisses him in her dreams.

Summer, summer, sophomore year. And she makes the worst decision of her life. She's happy and she meets new people, but she's still bound by this terrible, horrible, life-sucking trap. And he's getting angrier and pushier. And it's getting harder to breathe. So he strikes her down in the summer and then stalks every future decision.

Junior year, God gives her a breath of fresh air. And he comes back and takes it away, he takes it all away and then she's talking to three at once to rid herself of every memory. She has to pick one, and she hurts the rest. Especially the first, the breath of fresh air. And then she gets hurt. And she "deserves" it. And then she learns how to seduce a stranger.. and she makes him not so strange. And he hurts her. And she gives up.

And she is found, so found and so blessed. And life is love and love is life. Andandand she's in love, so in love, so deeply, completely, wholeheartedly in love with this boy who she's known for two years, secretly wanting and knowing and loving him all along. And it isn't perfect, but it's as close as she's ever seen or ever wants to see. And happiness is.

But it breaks as all things do and it turns into the biggest storm she's ever seen.

And now, she's doubting everything she ever learned.