I am so completely different that I can hardly stand it! I used to want to be different, I used to detest the way I was, the things I did, but now I miss it, I need it, and ugggh, I can't even begin to describe what I feel right now.
First of all, I can't write. Every intelligent, poetic wave that used to exist in brain has now passed and I am completely and utterly stumped. Writing anything feels shameful because it's so plain and dull and boring. But, oh well. I guess I'm not seeking anyone's approval here, just typing to feel my fingers move.
Well, life is fast. It just flies by, and I barely have time to breathe. Right now, I am thinking about:
a) How far away Christmas break is- I'm measuring it by weekends and what each one will consist of. This weekend is full of work and time with my favorite person (but mostly work). Next weekend is the military ball that I probably won't be going to.. but truthfully, I don't care as much anymore. I want to go, but it's so much trouble, and I'm not pretty, my dress probably doesn't fit anymore, etc. I probably have work the next day. The next weekend, Christmas break begins! We have a half day, and I'm excited. Ah, it needs to happen NOW--and I need a new job.. blah.
b) My weight, my body, my face, my hair--I'm so self-absorbed, I know. I hate it all. I miss my friend, and I am starting to take medicine soon.
c) School work--I am falling so behind! I feel, I'm further ahead than a LOT of people, but not as far up as I should be... it used to be like breathing, and now I can't breathe anymore.
d) College--UNCG called me todaaay... eeek, Merit Scholarships! I need to learn to write again, rather than making lists.
e) Friendships--sorry guys.
f) Futures--I can't stop planning weddings in my head. I guess reading all of the Twilight books has sort of inspired that, but even before then--he was my Edward Cullen, he is my Edward Cullen, and... let God's will be done, as much as it scares me to say that.
Tomorrow is Thursday and I'm wearing sweat pants and going to the gym and reading Breaking Dawn and doing chemistry homework and watching Grey's Anatomy and it's going to be a GOOD DAY.. it has to be, I can't take bad days anymore.
---
I swapped my innocence for pride
Crushed the end within my stride
Said 'I'm strong now I know that I'm a leaver"
I love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds a blackened tear
And I am cold
Yes I'm cold
But not as cold as you are
I love the sound of you walking away
---
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
I'm Not Me Anymore
Posted by Amanda at 9:35 PM
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2 comments:
ah, so your other blog wasn't directed towards God then?
Man, it feels weird that the puzzles of your blogs aren't coming to me anymore fast. Don't fall away from me, girl, I care and I'll listen. Yeah, it breaks me to see that you honestly don't feel that you're pretty and you don't see who you really are but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear it.
And I like your bullet lists, thank you very much. Uhm, how bout your paragraphs just now were poetic?! You can write, you can. And I want to hang out this weekend but it depends entirely of my dad's mood. baha. you know. :)
you are going to get a date to that darn military ball if I have to stomp into that ROTC room and give those little freshman who think they are OH-SO-COOL a piece of my mind! And your dress is gonna look perfect. Try it on, I dare you! (lol, mine on the other hand... :D)
baha, but for real, i like these kinds of blogs because their up front...but I just thought of something that made me laugh...bullet lists. hahaha.
or you can get sneaked in by playing the triangle in starewell! either way.. :)
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