These blogs are all sad. But that's only because I'm not the type to sit around and waste my happiness staring at a computer screen. When I'm happy, I'm out, I'm living, I'm active. Depression is showcased with disinterest, lethargy. And the disinterest, the lethargy means I'm here, I'm home, I'm lying down, I'm staring at these little black letters.

So, I've been running and falling and sleeping and waking. And the waking is the hardest, the falling is the easiest. All of the empty spaces make me cringe, and they're getting emptier. But oh well, life goes on. I just..

I can't stand it. You were right. It's not enough. And I'm not enough. I'm not her, I'll never be her. I'm not enough, and I'm sorry. I don't even know how to begin to try. I try to be there, but I can't. I don't even think you want that. I really don't think that you understand how much I care. Maybe it was never intended to have so much feeling, but those four days made me crazy, I guess. I fell hard in the best way, and then whatever it was that was so great.. well, it left, and the coldness began. And I tear up when I talk about you because you leave me so often. And when I worry, you're angry. Does that solve anything? Do you even care at all? Why do I have to like you so much? Why can't I be valuable, appreciated, human? Why can't I feel anything from anyone else?

Wisdom Always Chooses These Black Eyes and These Bruises

I swapped my innocence for pride
Crushed the end within my stride
Said 'I'm strong now I know that I'm a leaver"
I love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds a blackened tear
And I am cold
Yes I'm cold
But not as cold as you are
I love the sound of you walking away

--

I don’t love you, I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throwing a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream

--

You've never been so divine in accepting your defeat
And I've never been more scared to be alone.
If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep
Then I'm putting out the lantern, find your own way back home

--

I'm sick of shaking
never waking
from the hell I achieve
I never knew you till you left me
with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring
way to buckle the knees
So mistreated, I repeated
Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated
I will stand on my own
Yeah your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Give me recipes for sorry
I'm admitting I'm wrong
Still your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

--

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out
It's as cold as a tomb
And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
To pour salt in your wounds
So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

--

There is an ember in the heart of the kiln
And it's burning hot with love
Burning out my center till there's nothing but dust
rolling me with care into your cigarette
Cause the God I believe in worked on a campaign trail

What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud, you barely joyous, broken thing.
You're a voice that never sings, is what I say
You are freezing over hell
You are bringing on the end, you do so well
You can only blame yourself, it's what I say

Who do you carry that torch for, my young man?
Do you believe in anything?
Do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?

--

No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)

--

I don't think I've ever really forgiven anybody. But that's not necessarily true. There's plenty of people that have made me absolutely livid that I can now talk to freely and easily, all grudges aside. I guess it's just certain people, the people who have hurt me the most. There are things from years and years ago that hardly even matter that I can't forget. Crying every Sunday, crying every weekday. It's OK now because it's not happening. I just can't help but to remember. And particularly sophomore year. That.. I will never forget, I don't think I will ever stop feeling bitter. And now. It's those long-term things that sting the most I guess. The cold shoulder after what seemed like an eternal warm connection. The change in temperature can put your body into shock. You can pretend, you can learn to imitate normalcy, and it does get easier. But you still fail. Maybe it'll take a few more years. That's OK. I guess you can't rush these things.

I can be happy regardless (I think). I have plenty. And I'm going to be so late to church (What's new?), but oh well. I have enough.

I don't love you, I'm just passing the time.
You could love me if I learned how to lie.
Who could love me?I am out of my mind,
throwing a line out to sea
to see if I can catch a dream.

"This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters. But we never stood a chance, and I'm not sure if it matters--I know this hurts, it was meant to. Your secret's out, and the best part is that it isn't even a good one."


I don't have words for you. I just see it. Because I never really saw you. It's hardly depressing because for the majority of it, I've seen this dark cloud in the background, getting ready to touch down, but it's still upsetting. And something upsetting may turn into something colossal at this stage in the game, but maybe I need something like that. I've backed down and away from most of the things that made me happy because in brief moments, I am happy, I am high off of you, but the high brings a low, and I'm so low. I gave you what you wanted. You got what you wanted. And it's done. Maybe I'm a cynic, but I'm usually right. Why did you have to let me down like this? Why did I even begin to put up with this? It's empty so empty and I can't even begin to make it better because there's no room to make it better, there's no freedom, and it's just a thing. We used to talk about things that weren't completely obscene, and I know I never broke through.. but I was getting there. I think I was getting somewhere. I guess I just think too much, but I don't know.

I just don't know.

I'm Gone

Dear you,

You hardly deserve to receive the title 'dear,' but I am the enemy forever, so you, obviously can do whatever you want, living out your ridiculous childhood fantasies like you are the only one that matters. And everyone will think it's fine. They will be filled with bliss as you continue on with a romance, disregarding the death of a friend because she wasn't really that important anyways. It's not like she can feel anything. In your head, she's a demon and you must avoid her like the plague. I mean, she was never really good enough to be your sister in Christ. Why would Jesus love someone like her? And if Jesus doesn't love her, you certainly shouldn't. So good job, love. You're being just like Jesus. I'm so proud of you. And I don't want to hate you, but now you hate me. Everyone on your side of the fence hates me. I never tried to make you stumble. What did I do? I pretend to be happy to not stress you out and now we're not talking, but through all of this blind hate, I love you and I care about you. Just because I'm negative about my own circumstances doesn't mean that I can't be with you through yours. It doesn't mean that I can't feel for you. I have compassion, but I also have common sense. I'm sorry if you mistake that for indifference. I'm trying to be open-minded, but my mind will only open so far. Just, please, be original. Don't take things that we had together and make them for a different we. Make things new. It eats at my skin like stomach acid. But I can't run anything, so let it eat away. I was Bella, incandescent happiness, Novia.. I mean, it's not fair to anyone to transfer those titles. Make it new. Wouldn't it mean more that way? And as a bonus, you wouldn't hurt me, but that's hardly important.

I'm sorry for being so mad at you. You probably don't deserve it. And I'm sorry. I want to forgive you. But these things take so much time.


Love,
Me

I have so much to do.

So, UNCG is a definite thing, but nursing isn't because when I applied, I put psych as my intended major because I had no idea what to put.. and in order to get priority enrollment in the nursing school, I have to have nursing as my declared major from the first day of class on.. and yeah. And I want to study abroad--it is possible with nursing (who knew?). And I want to live in this dorm that you have to apply for because it's AMAZING.. and I have to write this big essay and get a bunch of forms filled out and find something I've written/drawn/painted that best represents my creativity and kdsfjkaljdka;. I have no creativity.

Process

Her blonde curls, fresh out of Mommy's new sponge rollers, framed her face. She was happy, but she was concerned. She reached out her tiny, four-year-old fingers to touch cold hands that were covering a visage saturated in pain. "I'll take care of you, don't worry," whispered the girl. "I'll take your pain."

Three years later, she's at a loss for words. Friendship has to be the largest burden although it is her sole desire in these moment. The smallest rejection send big, hot tears down her porcelain face, and she sits alone. "If you promise not to cry, I might let you into my club," said the pale girl, the future enemy. "I just can't handle you."

And then she's on her front porch and she can't French braid. The hot tears begin and then she's chewing on her wrist, scratching up her veins. And then Mommy says, "It's alright. You can't be perfect. You'll never be perfect."

She's swimming, swimming, swimming--a whale in a pool of eels. The difference was shocking, and the reaction was greater. "Oh you're so good, but you're so..."

And then she's back in school and she talks and she talks and she falls inloveorsoshethought at age 12, but it was really one of those, 'Wow, you're mine,' type of things rather than a physical, emotional mess. It ends quickly once social status is established and then the real thing comes along.. I mean, as real as it can be for a 12-yr-old, but this 12-yr-old romance is the messiest of the messiest. It's going nowhere, but it's deep.

So praise be to God and new, older boyfriends (3 years older, to be exact) who introduce new teenagers to broken hearts. And this, particular broken heart doesn't really know how to act. So it's back to the beginning, back to the failed French braids. Then she learns manipulation, and things pan out a while longer. And now she's learning to be a tease. Three J's in one summer. And one of them has his hand down her pants on the 3rd of July and oops, he has a girlfriend.

Summer and new smelling offices and a new hair color mark the new school year. Everybody knows everything that went on and she's trying and coming close and then winning again. And she wins and she wastes and then she's through. And then she looks in the mirror at her stupid, dark hair and her stupid, natural figure and she's done with the girl that she is. So she becomes new and his eyes are so blue. Who cares if he's cheating? His eyes are so blue. And she's losing and she's losing and then it's summer time.

The 12-year-old romance is raised from the dead. He's calling her every night and whispered nothings. And she's falling, falling, falling--and they're on her porch after the second date and they hug and he leans in and her whole body is shaking and he kisses her, he kisses her. And this is real. This is everything. She's in love forever and completely, and her hands won't stop shaking.

And then, a couple of weeks later, she wakes up and the TV is on and she just knows. And that night, she watches the Notebook and cries and cries. She loves the morning, her morning. She'll always miss her morning.

She's entering high school and she's so incredibly bored. The morning comes and his sun shines, so she plays Barbie and finds a Ken to use and it happens. And it's over. He won't cooperate. But she'll forever be fond of his eyes... and then she meets someone at random, and he is faithful to her. He isn't the morning and he's getting boring, so she falls out of it all. And then the morning kisses her on her birthday. And she kisses him in her dreams.

Summer, summer, sophomore year. And she makes the worst decision of her life. She's happy and she meets new people, but she's still bound by this terrible, horrible, life-sucking trap. And he's getting angrier and pushier. And it's getting harder to breathe. So he strikes her down in the summer and then stalks every future decision.

Junior year, God gives her a breath of fresh air. And he comes back and takes it away, he takes it all away and then she's talking to three at once to rid herself of every memory. She has to pick one, and she hurts the rest. Especially the first, the breath of fresh air. And then she gets hurt. And she "deserves" it. And then she learns how to seduce a stranger.. and she makes him not so strange. And he hurts her. And she gives up.

And she is found, so found and so blessed. And life is love and love is life. Andandand she's in love, so in love, so deeply, completely, wholeheartedly in love with this boy who she's known for two years, secretly wanting and knowing and loving him all along. And it isn't perfect, but it's as close as she's ever seen or ever wants to see. And happiness is.

But it breaks as all things do and it turns into the biggest storm she's ever seen.

And now, she's doubting everything she ever learned.