Killer can't talk to anyone
without extracting data from their brain--
Needle in and that's it.
Here is a sample of who you are
and by this, you will be judged,
hated and loved.
There is corruption in your spine.

And you say that I hurt you
in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, you say that I hurt you
in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, well, maybe I hurt you some,
but let's contrast and compare
Lift up your shirt
The wound isn't there
I guess that your truth
is just the ghost of your lies
I guess that your truth
is just the ghost of your lies
Yeah, your kind of truth, darling,
is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time

It's silly how I'm thinking that I should just forget what I know and go with what I feel. So silly. I think I'm going to delete this blog or make it private. It sucks that I have no room to say what I feel without people biting my head off. Well, you bite me, I bite back. And I feel no shame. I probably should, but right now I don't even care.

Well morning came
And it dressed the sky
In a lovely yellow gown
Now the shops they are
All opening
In that narrow hallway of downtown
Filled with people who
Are shopping for
Their lovers and their friends
So they won't ever be lonely again
Well a forest fenced
becomes backyards
Like songs are born from sound
And the apple fell
And it taught us all
We are chained here to the ground
So here we go
But there ain't no escape
Yeah, these streets they're just dead ends
So I won't ever be happy again
Well, it seems you too
See a painful blue
When you stare into the sky
You could never understand
The motion of a hand waving you goodbye
"Bye bye"
But as the story goes
or it is often told
A new day will arise
And all the dance halls will
Be full of skeletons
That are coming back to life
And on a grassy hill
the lion will
lay down with the lamb
And I won't ever be lonely again
No, no, no, no, no
But until that time
I think I had better find
some disbelief to suspend
Cause I don't want to feel like this again

--Bright Eyes

Ugh, I'm angry about so many things. I feel like I was cheated when it comes to Senior Project. I worked so hard on it, and I got one of the worst grades out of anyone. Everyone before me said, "Yeah don't sweat. Senior project is just a bunch of free 100s." They do no work and get rewarded. I put my heart and soul into my stupid project and now I'm going to make a B in English. And when I tell people, they look at me like I'm dumb. I'm not dumb. Ignore my blonde hair and my fixation with my weight and appearance. Those things might make me seem superficial and "dumb" but I am very smart. I really am..

Ugh, I'm fat, I'm fat, so fat. And this is my blog, and I don't care how absurdly ridiculous I sound, so if you're going to leave me comments telling me that I need to learn to accept myself the way God made me, than don't bother because God did NOT make me this way. I made me this way. I became a glutton. I lost control of my "cleverly planned meals" and here I am. I slipped up. I suffered-- it's my fault, and God did NOT make me this way. He made me "beautiful" or whatever, but I messed it up. I ate and I put off exercising and I became lazy and UGH-- it's sad that I'm too lazy to want to fix this. I'd rather try to cut myself out of this skin and bleed to death. Not really, but UGHUGHUGHFREAKINGUGH. I am going to go plan to starve myself and forget about it by this time tomorrow when I will have already eaten 923482938324892 calories. Sheesh, I eat nowhere near that many. I eat 1500 or less everysinglefreakingday, but I still gain weight because my body is rebelling against me. UGH. There is no control is my life. None.

Hypocrisy

Tomorrow starts it.

And I'm doing this for you, for you who ignores me, disregards me, treats me like I don't belong. This is for you. This is what happens when you forget that I exist.

But it's for me, too. I need this, I need this, I need this.

It'll be hard, so hard. I've gotten used to living the way I do, and now I have to change it. Things won't be easy anymore. I won't get what I want. It'll be suffering, pure suffering. Even though as I'm sitting here now, full of everything that I say I despise but secretly love, I say I'll enjoy every minute of it, I won't. It will kill me. I will die from the inside out. But that was the point, I guess.

I hate the excitement that I feel right now because I know that it will die tomorrow morning when I have choices to make. It'll be easy to hide, but hard to accomplish. I'll be happy at the end. I'll win.

I really wish that I was graduating early. I don't have time to think about school anymore.

Ugh.

I've kept up with Graduation Project so far, but now it is killing me. I can't write speeches. I can't give a speech in front of people who will be judging me and determining whether I graduate or not--it's simply nerve-wrecking! And tomorrow, I have to make two visual aids and study for a huge calculus test and I should be studying right now, but I feel sick and tired and unwilling to do anything good for me.

Crap, I make so many mistakes.

Darnit, darnit, darnit, why can't I let anything go? I'm so selfish, and when I don't get what I want, I get angry and I start a fight. And then when I get what I want, when things change, I keep fighting. I extract flaws from people and put them in this huge book and then pull them out whenever I need to have something on them. And then I have huge, gossip sessions and spill out my heart because said person has done so much wrong to me and to everyone else. Hah, I am such a dirty liar.

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn’t budge
I tried to hold your hand but you’d rather hold your grudge

Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet
And hold the earth in place
Each time a faucet opens
Words are spoken
The water runs away
And I hear your name
No, nothing has changed

---

Bright Eyes, Gray Skies

And me I'm in my bedroom, drawing in my notebook
Because my hand thinks I'm an artist
But my heart knows I'm a poet
It's just words they mean so little to me
I can't seem to deal with total trust
There is something very wrong with me
--Bright Eyes

I'm strangely anti-social these days. I have so many opportunities, but why cling to someone when they'll only turn back to bite you? It scares me, people scare me. There used to be a lot of people that knew me, but now I'm different, and I don't wear it all on my sleeve. My thoughts are unrecognizable because I've changed my ways, and I've embraced how easy it is to hide.

I'm watching Celebrity Fit Club, and I hate this stupid woman on it right now because it's so easy for her to lose weight and she weighs less than I do and she shouldn't be on a stupid weight loss show and ughughgughguhgh, I hate this mindset, and I hate that I'm typing this, exposing it. I hate the weight that I've gained, the pathetic 20 extra pounds that have accumulated on my body since freshman year. I was so focused then, so determined... I can still look at my arms and say that I like them, that they're small, almost two small, although soft and offsetting when looked at with the rest of my body. I know that I'm my own worst critic, that no one looks at me like I look at myself, but do I really know that? I know that no one cares about it as much as I do, but I care. Isn't that enough to keep me going?

On a happier note, my Edward Cullen lights up my world more and more everyday..

I had a beautiful, beautiful time
The drives and the talks were amazing
The kind of friend I thought I'd never find
I had a beautiful, beautiful time
You have a beautiful, beautiful smile
The way it curls and collapses on your lips
When you touch me I shake like a child
It's late, I'm afraid you might leave
'Cause sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me
There's nothing I can do to concentrate
It's so distracting, always thinking of you
So I expose and explain and I meant everything I said
And it's moments like this that repeat and replay in my head
When I'm laying in bed
It's a beautiful, beautiful time
As you laugh and roll onto your stomach
The carpet embraces your design
My heart pounds as I lay by your side
And I find that I am unable to hide all these feelings that flow
In this basement, and in this dim light, you look so beautiful
I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you're near and I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try
--Bright Eyes

I'm Not Me Anymore

I am so completely different that I can hardly stand it! I used to want to be different, I used to detest the way I was, the things I did, but now I miss it, I need it, and ugggh, I can't even begin to describe what I feel right now.

First of all, I can't write. Every intelligent, poetic wave that used to exist in brain has now passed and I am completely and utterly stumped. Writing anything feels shameful because it's so plain and dull and boring. But, oh well. I guess I'm not seeking anyone's approval here, just typing to feel my fingers move.

Well, life is fast. It just flies by, and I barely have time to breathe. Right now, I am thinking about:

a) How far away Christmas break is- I'm measuring it by weekends and what each one will consist of. This weekend is full of work and time with my favorite person (but mostly work). Next weekend is the military ball that I probably won't be going to.. but truthfully, I don't care as much anymore. I want to go, but it's so much trouble, and I'm not pretty, my dress probably doesn't fit anymore, etc. I probably have work the next day. The next weekend, Christmas break begins! We have a half day, and I'm excited. Ah, it needs to happen NOW--and I need a new job.. blah.

b) My weight, my body, my face, my hair--I'm so self-absorbed, I know. I hate it all. I miss my friend, and I am starting to take medicine soon.

c) School work--I am falling so behind! I feel, I'm further ahead than a LOT of people, but not as far up as I should be... it used to be like breathing, and now I can't breathe anymore.

d) College--UNCG called me todaaay... eeek, Merit Scholarships! I need to learn to write again, rather than making lists.

e) Friendships--sorry guys.

f) Futures--I can't stop planning weddings in my head. I guess reading all of the Twilight books has sort of inspired that, but even before then--he was my Edward Cullen, he is my Edward Cullen, and... let God's will be done, as much as it scares me to say that.


Tomorrow is Thursday and I'm wearing sweat pants and going to the gym and reading Breaking Dawn and doing chemistry homework and watching Grey's Anatomy and it's going to be a GOOD DAY.. it has to be, I can't take bad days anymore.

---

I swapped my innocence for pride
Crushed the end within my stride
Said 'I'm strong now I know that I'm a leaver"
I love the sound of you walking away
Mascara bleeds a blackened tear
And I am cold
Yes I'm cold
But not as cold as you are
I love the sound of you walking away

---