I just ate my whole kitchen.
Dry cereal and orange slices and rice cakes and peanut butter and carrots and salsa.
So not my whole kitchen, but a lot to eat at once.
Blahhhh.
And I ran for 45 minutes.
I sweat like an obese man being chased by a bear.
And my legs are like barrels.
I want someone to cut me open and change every imperfection.
I'm sick of being flawed.
I have lost weight, though.
A few months ago, I weighed around 126 at the gym, but today I weighed 120.3.
I want to lose more. Ten more pounds. Maybe twelve.
I won't be happy, but I'll be happier.
This isn't everything, but it's something. I want to be me as a sophomore. I want to do the entire year over. I made so many mistakes. I fell so far.
At the beginning of that year, I was happy. I was finally beginning to love God, love myself, and learn to be content without a boy. That is the only time in my whole life where I had been content without a boy. And then I ruined it. I became yolked with the most terrible boy of them all. And I gave him everything (no, not my virginity), but I gave him my heart, my soul, my problems. I took them from God and gave them to Him. And he ripped them and burned them, in turn ripping me and burning me. My life was a soap opera. I wish I could say everything. I want to tell someone everything, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I wouldn't get it right. And I'm scared that whoever I decided to tell wouldn't accept it (or me) upon hearing it. I would be marked 'damaged goods' or 'misfit'... I would be marked impure.
I want to change everything. I want to be clean.
I want to rid myself of all the waste, of all the need.
My heart breaks.
Monday, April 28, 2008
You've Gotta Wake From This Coma, You've Gotta Crawl From This Bed You Have Made
Posted by Amanda at 4:33 PM
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2 comments:
How long will you struggle, what will it take for you to realize how special you are in God's eyes. It seems to me that you're focusing too much on your outward appearance to compensate for feeling inadequate on the inside. The truth is you're not a misfit, you're not damaged goods. You may be a diamond in the rough now but when God has finished his work in your life you will be a beautiful gem. You will be a wonderful example to the world of what God can do.
Just as a child can't lean to walk without falling down a few times, so in our lives we're going to make some mistakes. You don't have the right to beat up on yourself when you fall, if you do you will never learn to walk much less run. No one will ever be perfect here on earth. We'll all come up short at some point. This however doesn’t give us an excuse to quit trying. Success is getting up one more time that you fall down. (Prov 24:16) The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again.
What you're experiencing is a wide range of emotions that are a normal part of growing up. Life is confusing and is particularly hard for our young people today. You want to straighten out, to change in days, what it takes years to learn. But don't loose heart you will come through this. The only way to fail is for you to quit. It’s not being perfect that you should focus on, it’s about never quitting. God knows that we are human (Psalm 103:14) and still loves us unconditionally. That’s why He sent His Son to be the sacrifice for our sins (1 John 2:1-2) Perfection is the finish line at the end of the race, the goal for which me must strive. Still we can know that we are on the right track if we make progress on a daily basis. We should strive to be closer to God today than we were yesterday.
Isaiah 40:28-31 And he (God) knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind. (Message Bible)
It’s not how you start but how you finish that matters. (Philippians 3: 12-14)
Yeah. The anonymous person - I like what whoever it was wrote. I know we've both talked about how if it's anonymous you don't really take it as seriously, but we probably know this person, most likely, whoever it is. And sometimes the best advice is the ones that are anonymous, because they arn't afraid to be blunt or as honest as they can be. And sometimes it's just wise to be left unknown.
I guess, just stop focusing on your past girl. You can't go back to it, you can't change a thing. You can't change how people hurt you, you can't change how people left. All you can manage is who you are now, and who you will become.
You have to get out of this. This rut. Work at it. Stop letting the thoughts that you have that destroy you come in, even if it takes a while. Take it slow. But work on getting there.
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