Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

117.8 and eating crap is going to screw it up.

I think I care so much because it gets me by. Everything else seems so stupid and fake. I know that it is stupid and fake too, but it gets me by. It gives me something to think about, to hold on to.

I laid out in the sun today on the bed of my dad's truck. My reflection in the back window was distorted and I looked like a hippo. Or maybe it wasn't distorted. Maybe I always look like that. I sure hope not. I'm eating too much. I need too much. I sit around too much dreaming of doing nothing. Right now, I just want to sleep forever. I don't have energy anymore. I'm being sucked dry. Everything is so foggy, and I can't see things correctly. I used to feel smart, I used to feel motivated. Now I just feel like white trash. I'm fat, trashy, unmotivated, and ignorant. And nothing could make me feel better. I don't feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone or doing anything. I just want to sit around and sleep.

I ran for 45 minutes today. It's not enough. I did it too slowly.

And now I want to sleep.

I didn't go to school yesterday. I slept all day.

And now I want to sleep.

I have so much homework that I don't even know about. I have at least 70 more pages of The Grapes of Wrath and questions to go along with it. And that stupid annotated bibliography. Stupid research project. How Does the Media Affect Body Image? Just look at me and see. I shouldn't have to write a stupid paper about it. God gave people eyes for a reason.

And now I want to sleep.

Tyler, Tyler, Tyler... you love me. Wow. This is weird. How could somebody love me? I don't even have to hide Ana and Mia from you. You still love me. And you always want to talk to me and be with me and help me. This is really weird. Really, truly weird.

I still want to sleep some more.

11 hours one night, 9 the next. How in the world am I so tired?