It's a mess, but I want to be clean.

I want to be white like snow.



I want a spiritual connection, a daily challenge.
I want a triangle.. an unbreakable triangle.

You've Gotta Wake From This Coma, You've Gotta Crawl From This Bed You Have Made

I just ate my whole kitchen.



Dry cereal and orange slices and rice cakes and peanut butter and carrots and salsa.
So not my whole kitchen, but a lot to eat at once.

Blahhhh.

And I ran for 45 minutes.

I sweat like an obese man being chased by a bear.

And my legs are like barrels.

I want someone to cut me open and change every imperfection.
I'm sick of being flawed.

I have lost weight, though.
A few months ago, I weighed around 126 at the gym, but today I weighed 120.3.
I want to lose more. Ten more pounds. Maybe twelve.
I won't be happy, but I'll be happier.
This isn't everything, but it's something. I want to be me as a sophomore. I want to do the entire year over. I made so many mistakes. I fell so far.

At the beginning of that year, I was happy. I was finally beginning to love God, love myself, and learn to be content without a boy. That is the only time in my whole life where I had been content without a boy. And then I ruined it. I became yolked with the most terrible boy of them all. And I gave him everything (no, not my virginity), but I gave him my heart, my soul, my problems. I took them from God and gave them to Him. And he ripped them and burned them, in turn ripping me and burning me. My life was a soap opera. I wish I could say everything. I want to tell someone everything, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I wouldn't get it right. And I'm scared that whoever I decided to tell wouldn't accept it (or me) upon hearing it. I would be marked 'damaged goods' or 'misfit'... I would be marked impure.



I want to change everything. I want to be clean.
I want to rid myself of all the waste, of all the need.

My heart breaks.

Bug spray for your boyfriend

Your hand on my knee,
I feel you, I feel you.
My hand on your heart,
I flee, I flee.
I am holding stolen property.
Valuable, yes.
Desirable, no.
I don't think we'll ever know
What makes me tick.
Because it all
Makes me tick.
I tick and I tick and I itch.
I forgot about that consequence.
You are the mosquito carrying malaria.
I've been bitten before, but never by a carrier.
I've always wondered what it feels like to die.

My health?

Why can't we keep the same beauty standards?
Why do they have to change?

She is beautiful.



But she is skinny. That's more important.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

Every bone in my body aches.
Every step I take requires so much effort.
And the world is a blur.
Conversations are all a blur.

And it grows.
And it churns.
And it screams.
It holds prisoners, but thankfully let's most of them go.

My head is splitting open.
My heart is turning into stone.

Don't touch me, I can't take it.
Don't love me, you won't like it.

My accomplishments mean nothing.

"But now I've got to crawl, to get anywhere at all. I'm not as strong as I thought.
So when I'm lost in a crowd,
I hope that you'll pick me out.
Oh, how I long to be found.
The grass grew high. I laid down.
Now I wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand.
I have been laying so low
Don't want to lay here no more.
Don't want to lay here no more.
Don't want to lay here no more.
Don't want to lay here no more.
But if everything that happens is supposed to be
and it is predetermined, can't change your destiny.
Then I guess I'll just keep moving, someday, maybe, I'll get to where I'm going."

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

117.8 and eating crap is going to screw it up.

I think I care so much because it gets me by. Everything else seems so stupid and fake. I know that it is stupid and fake too, but it gets me by. It gives me something to think about, to hold on to.

I laid out in the sun today on the bed of my dad's truck. My reflection in the back window was distorted and I looked like a hippo. Or maybe it wasn't distorted. Maybe I always look like that. I sure hope not. I'm eating too much. I need too much. I sit around too much dreaming of doing nothing. Right now, I just want to sleep forever. I don't have energy anymore. I'm being sucked dry. Everything is so foggy, and I can't see things correctly. I used to feel smart, I used to feel motivated. Now I just feel like white trash. I'm fat, trashy, unmotivated, and ignorant. And nothing could make me feel better. I don't feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone or doing anything. I just want to sit around and sleep.

I ran for 45 minutes today. It's not enough. I did it too slowly.

And now I want to sleep.

I didn't go to school yesterday. I slept all day.

And now I want to sleep.

I have so much homework that I don't even know about. I have at least 70 more pages of The Grapes of Wrath and questions to go along with it. And that stupid annotated bibliography. Stupid research project. How Does the Media Affect Body Image? Just look at me and see. I shouldn't have to write a stupid paper about it. God gave people eyes for a reason.

And now I want to sleep.

Tyler, Tyler, Tyler... you love me. Wow. This is weird. How could somebody love me? I don't even have to hide Ana and Mia from you. You still love me. And you always want to talk to me and be with me and help me. This is really weird. Really, truly weird.

I still want to sleep some more.

11 hours one night, 9 the next. How in the world am I so tired?

The Kind of Love that I'm Obsessed With

Isolde: Yesterday at the market, I saw a couple holding hands... and I realized we'll never do that. Never anything like it. No picnics or unguarded smiles. No rings. Just... stolen moments that leave too quickly.



Diane Court: Are you shaking?
Lloyd Dobler: No.
Diane Court: You're shaking.
Lloyd Dobler: I don't think so.
Diane Court: You're cold.
Lloyd Dobler: I don't think I am.
Diane Court: Then why are you shaking?
Lloyd Dobler: I don't know. I think I'm happy.




Love is old, love is new.
Love is all, love is you.



Dr. Jean Grey: You would die for them?
Logan: No not for them... for you.
Dr. Jean Grey: Save me...
Logan: I love you...



Mary Jane: Peter. I can't survive without you.
Peter Parker: You shouldn't be here.
Mary Jane: I know you think we can't be together, but can't you respect me enough to let me make my own decision? I know there'll be risks but I want to face them with you. It's wrong that we should be only half alive... half of ourselves. I love you. So here I am… standing in your doorway. I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?
Mary Jane: Well, say something…
Peter Parker: Thank you, Mary Jane.




Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...



Cecilia Tallis: [crying] I don't know how I could've been so ignorant about myself... so... so stupid. And you know what I'm talking about, don't you? You knew before I did.
Robbie Turner: Why're you crying?
Cecilia Tallis: Don't you know?
Robbie Turner: Yes, I know exactly.
[kisses her]

Robbie Turner: [voiceover] Dearest Cecilia, the story can resume. The one I had been planning on that evening walk. I can become again the man who once crossed the surrey park at dusk, in my best suit, swaggering on the promise of life. The man who, with the clarity of passion, made love to you in the library. The story can resume. I will return. Find you, love you, marry you and live without shame.




Anakin: From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again... I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- I can't breath. I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating...hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me......what can I do?- I will do anything you ask.
[uncomfortable pause]
Anakin: ...if you are suffering as much as I am, PLEASE, tell me!
---------------------------------
Padme: We'd be living a lie. I couldn't do that. Could you Ani?
---------------------------------
Anakin: Don't be afraid.
Padme: I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.
Anakin: What are you talking about?
Padme: I love you.
Anakin: You love me? I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we'd be forced to love a lie and that it would destroy our lives.
Padme: I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. I truly... deeply... love you and before we die I want you to know.




Tia Dalma: My sweet, you've come for me.
Davy Jones: You were expecting me?
Tia Dalma: It has been torture trapped in this single form cut off from the sea. From all that I love. From you.
Davy Jones: 10 years I devoted to the duty you charged me. 10 years I looked after those who died at sea and finally when we could be together again you weren't there. Why weren't you there?
Tia Dalma: It is my nature. Would you love me if I was anything but what I am?
Davy Jones: I do not love you!
Tia Dalma: Many things you were Davey Jones, but never cruel. You have corrupted your purpose and so yourself and you did hide away what should always have been mine!
[turns him to his untentacley human form]
Davy Jones: [caressing her face] Calypso.
Tia Dalma: I will be free and when I am I will give you my heart and we will be together always but if only you had a heart to give.
[turns him to his tentacley monstrous form]
Tia Dalma: [his crab claw arm reaches out and chokes her] Why did you come?
Davy Jones: [unable to pull his arm back through the bars he walks through them] And what fate have you planned for your captors?
Tia Dalma: The Brethren Court. All of them the last thing they will learn in this life is how cruel I can be. And what of your fate. Davey Jones?
Davy Jones: My heart will always belong to you.
[He leaves]
Tia Dalma: [smiles softly to herself as she hugs the bars]

Waste of Paint

Good things happen sometimes, but I'm stuck on this low. I want to ride this low all the way down because it is beautiful. Every bite I take is like another failure. I can do so many good things, but then I fail.

I am number 20 out of 421 in my class.
I made an A in AP Language.
I continue training on Monday (more money for Amandaaa).
Two more track meets--only two.
The AP exam is in less than a month. Once it is over, I'll have a whole block on movies and naps.
I get to sleep in on Saturday.
I just talked to Tyler on the phone for a whole HOUR--he gets better and better.
The Daniel's Fast is starting soon! I am ready to purify myself physically and spiritually.
I signed up for next year's classes today:
AP Calc AB and BC, Honors English IV, Honors Chemistry, Honors Anatomy, Honors Spanish III, Honors Bible Studies, and Crafts I.
I'M GOING TO BE A SENIOR!
Summer is coming. I sense many days of working and all of the other days spent by the pool.


But I still fail because of my gluttony. I still fail.
Numbers. cw=???1gw=118.2gw=116.3gw=114.4gw=112.5gw=110.ugw=108.il=1000/d or<, 800/d?... down, down, down, da-down.



I have a friend, he's mostly made of pain. He wakes up, drives to work,
and then straight back home again. He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense of color and composition so magnificent.
And he said "Thank you, please but your flattery is truly not becoming me.
Your eyes are poor. You are blind. You see, no beauty could have come from me.
I am a waste of breath, of space, of time."

"It’s never over. Not really. Not when you stay down there for as long as I did, not when you’ve lived in the netherworld longer than you’ve lived in this material one, where things are very bright and large and make such strange noises. You never come back, not all the way. Always, there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier, thin as the glass of a mirror. You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one food in this world and one in the another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."

I'd give you my heart, and I'd let you just hold it. I'd give you my soul, but I've already sold it.

Throw it all away, throw it all away. I keep on screaming, but there's really nothing left to say. So get away, just get away. I keep on fighting, but I can't keep going on this way.

This time, I thought I'd listen. Here the story goes, I am the same. With another sin, I can't pretend, it never ends.

“I didn't particularly want to live much longer than [twenty]. Life seemed rather daunting. It seems so to me even now. Life seemed like too long a time to have to stick around, a huge span of years through which one would be required to tap-dance and smile and be Great! and be Happy! and be Amazing! and be Precocious! I was tired of my life by the time I was sixteen. I was tired of being too much, too intense, too manic. I was tired of people, and I was incredibly tired of myself. I wanted to do whatever Amazing Thing I was expected to do -- it might be pointed out that these were my expectations, mine alone -- and be done with it. Go to sleep. Go to a heaven where there was nothing but bathtubs and books.”

-Wasted, Marya Hornbacher

This Is Getting Over You

"Why can't I feel anything
from anyone other than you?
Why can't I feel anything
from anyone other than you?

And all of this was all your fault"
--Taking Back Sunday

"well, it's not fair, it's not even close. you tied me down, where i'm forced to watch as you poke holes in every part of me containing something secretly. something sacred to me. i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay. it's never fine when you go away. these cuts run deep. these scars are permanent and always on display. this makes things difficult for me. it's not fair, it's not even close. you fed me the sun. burned me up inside and watched me choke on everything we did. on everything we lived. let's see if i can live again. i lied my face off when i said that i would be okay. it's never fine when you go away."
--Alkaline Trio

"I wanna tear apart your room
to see if what you say is true
Darling don't you lie, lie to me
I wanna break into your heart
to see why you want us apart
Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me"
--The Spill Canvas

"You went away
Cos you said that you can't stand me
So I went away
I was sure that you can't stand me
Well I don't think we have to be like this forever
Is there more to life than love and being together?
You went away
Cos you said you couldn't love me
And I went away
Cos all I do is love you"
--Tegan and Sara

"I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't (but I can't) stop this
anymore than you can

This is all wrong and it shows
There's certain things I promised not to let you know,
(You've got a silly way of keeping me up on the edge of my seat,
You've got a silly way of keeping me up on the...)
not to let you know
I never, never..."
--Taking Back Sunday

"
Where did you come from, where have you been?
I don't know that much about you,
but I don't think that I would like to anymore

The curtains rising just like the ante
Here we go now, break a leg
No, I literally mean it this time around
I'm sick of you leading me on
I'm sick of you stringing me along, on"
--The Spill Canvas

"My, my what a mess was made of my head
When I heard what you'd been through that day.
It appears a violent storm's passed through you recently.

Letters meant to be sent have been torn.
The phone lies off the hook, on the floor.
All these "I'm sorry"s and "I miss you"s are useless.
I screwed this one up long ago."
--Alkaline Trio

"I felt you in my life
Before I ever thought to
Feel the need to lay down
Beside you
And tell you
I feel you in my heart,
And I don't even know you
And now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye
Now we're saying
Bye, bye, bye"
--Tegan and Sara

"I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm something you'll be missing
(is that I'm something that you're missing)
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
(maybe I should hate you for this)
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that..."
--Taking Back Sunday

"Remember when I said I love you
Well, forget it I take it back
I was just a stupid kid back then
I take back every word that I said"
--Alkaline Trio

"I would like to thank you, for showing me
A part of the world that I have never seen
Yeah, I was young and dumb, but it still was fun
I'm forever indebted to you
I hope you feel the same

You seem like such a big part
Of my life and my heart
But the truth is I've found something new
And he easily towers over you"
--The Spill Canvas

"Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow"

"That's the way you're built my father said
but I can change, my cocoon shedding
I want to walk in the snow
and not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
and not soil its purity "

"I'm on the verge of self destruction
Suffering because of my selfish vices
I'm on the verge of self destruction
Suffering because I gave up on myself and everyone "

"I can't remember
The last time I've seen my own eyes
Or the color of my skin
Do you know what it's like
to feel ugly all the time?"

"As I was walking through a life one morning
the sun was out, the air was warm, but
Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole"

"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul"

Trouble Breathing

You told me that you want to die.
I said I've been there myself more than a few times.
And I go back every once in a while.
You called me lucky, you... you called me lucky.
You said tonight is a wonderful night to die.
I asked you how you could tell,
You told me to look at the sky.
Look at all those stars,
Look at how ugly the stars are.

It's one or another.
Between a rope and a bottle.
I can tell you're having trouble breathing,
Cause you'll never be o.k.,
You'll never be o.k. (you'll always be in pain).
You'll always feel this way.
Cause things they never work out right
(The wrong way, the lonely way).
You'll always be in pain.

You told me that the daylight burned you
And that the sunrise was enough to kill you.
I said maybe you're a vampire.
You said it's quite possible, I feel truly dead inside.

It's one or another.
Between a rope and a bottle.
I can tell you're having trouble breathing,
Cause you'll never be o.k.,
You'll never be o.k. (you'll always be in pain).
You'll always feel this way.
Cause things they never work out right
(The wrong way, the lonely way).
You'll always be in pain.

Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.
Don't forget to let your life rot you inside out.


That was written for me. Stuff is crushing me again. Why can't it stop?