Bend Your Headaches, Call It Home

I don't know how to be descriptive, expressive, creative, but oh well.

I am the biggest fake I know. And I have so many things that I want to say, and I know that they're wrong, exaggerated, and crazy.. but they sound so right to me. And you can't shake what's right in your head, right in your heart. From the outside looking in, it's simple. I'm wrong. But I'm right, I'm so right.

I don't want to be angry. I'd rather be sad. But I can't feel anything that even comes close to resembling either one of those emotions. There's just this frustration, this denial, this longing. It's maddening. And it's stupid.

When I choose to forget, I can forget everything and become completely numb. So simply forgetting unpleasant experiences is like dying. Everyone always says that you have to take what you're dealt with and use it to grow, but I'm sick of moving forward when I can run backwards at such a rapid pace. One step forward, a million steps back.

I don't know if this depression comes from the meds or if it's just me. When I first started taking them, I knew that there were supposed to be serious side effects, but I didn't think that it could be true. The way I saw it, I was less susceptible to that particular side effect because I had been down that road already. I had overcome. But this is manifesting itself in so many different ways that it's ridiculous. I don't know what to make of it, but I'm feeling so comatose, staring at the TV, laying on the couch, looking up stories of what this stupid medicine has done to so many people. And then feeling it, feeling it all. I mean, I've always been darker than most, I've always been more negative than most, but since the beginning of 2009 (when I started taking the pills), it's been noticeably worse. I wrote about things, saw things, experienced things, overcame a big, nasty type of sickness, I lived. And 2009 has been purposeless. My life feels void of meaning, and I don't use people (guys in particular) to fill me, but to distract me from what I really feel like.

And I'm rambling and rambling, but oh well. That's what this is for.

I work 14.5 hours this week and that's pretty exciting. I'll be doing something that means something. I just hope that I'm not too drained to function.. like on Saturday. I was excited for the extra two hours, but when they came around and I had taken my break 5 hours before.. I was a zombie. And I don't think that people want to buy chicken from a zombie. I wouldn't. I would look at the zombie and move on to the next register.. or just leave. Because I'm a rude zombie, I think. I have a "beast mode" (sorry for stealing that phrase), too. It's very obvious. I think that I just get more honest, more black and white. I don't know. I remember Revolution, sitting in the circle, and hearing everyone say what they thought was the best about me. And every single person said I was very honest. But when does honesty turn into a bad thing? I know it does at some point, but where? Ugh. I just turned a good paragraph into a bad paragraph, but oh well.

Near Future:
May 6th (this Wednesday!!)- Calculus ends (mostly). I'm nervous about the exam, but oh well. It's just four hours of my time. And I've studied some. Not nearly enough, but the side of my bed that I don't sleep on is drowning in papers right now, and I made flashcards and yeah. I never do that. I also get paid. I hope I get at least 60 or 70. I need moneyyy. I'm going to have to get by with $5 until then.

May 9th- Fundraiser and my 8 hour work day. I wish I could help more. I have a lot of cookies to make. I wish I was more excited about this because it has purpose.

May 13th- Quitting the meds to see if it changes anything. I have a doctor's appointment on this day, so we'll see what she says about the side effects and such..

And I can't really think much further. Graduation is in 40 days. Yeah.