Incredible, Starving, Insatiable

You know, I'm not really sure how this is supposed to work. Am I supposed to be quiet? Am I supposed to pretend? Yeah, people say to just live, but I'm living.. and now what? Yeah, I know it's all over and done with, but what now? I know that I made it into an ugly mess, but what else was I supposed to do? I tried. Don't ever say I didn't try because I tried so hard that I can hardly stand it. And I'm still the monster in this.. just because I can only take so much. But isn't that true of anyone? And now I'll be told that I'm playing the victim card. God, this is so stupid. No matter what I do, it's wrong. No matter what I feel, it's wrong. Because it'll make two people unhappy, it's wrong. I'm supposed to be happy about this. I'm supposed to feel good about this. I'm supposed to forget everything. I'm not trying to be selfish. I'm sorry if I am. I'm always selfish. I'm always mean. I'm always hurting--in both ways. I'm not better than anyone else. I know that. I suppose that I'm worse. I'm not good enough to be respected. I don't deserve to be respected. Yeah, you were sorry. But I wasn't good enough. The only reason I ever said anything was because I was scared. I wasn't trying to ruin anything, I was just scared. And I made a bigger mess and now I'm seen as much, much less. And you're regretting everything you ever said to expect for the things that you have said the past two months because the past two months have been bitter and ugly and that's what I am to you.. bitter and ugly. And that's all. And this will probably be misinterpreted, but I don't care. I'll be bitter and ugly anyway, so what's the point of hiding anything? I try to accept it, I try to be sorry, but all of this is rejected, and I'm hardly human. And then I bite back because I'm so hurt that I can't be still, I can't be quiet. I have to do something to keep the rain from falling, but in turn, I make a thunderstorm. And I'm hated and hated and hated. But not even hated, worse than that. I don't even exist. How am I supposed to believe in love after this? How am I supposed to believe in God? In anything? Those deemed ideal have the sharpest teeth, the sharpest claws. I don't want that. I don't want to be a part of that at all. But without it, I have nothing. And here comes the victim card again. Whatever. I'll be judged no matter what I say. But I can't say nothing.

No Lies, Just Love

And silence.. yeah.


And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
Yeah, there are some things you can't fake



So I'm just a medicine
You take when you're sick
You get well and that's it
I'm put back
On the shelf in your mirror
And it isn't exeptional
The course of our fate
Because people love and they hate
And I guess
It's just all turned to hate
Yeah, you were just some song I wrote
A poem on a page
A sculpture I made
Out of clay
Desire was the flame
But now you're more of a basketball
Boys just pass you around
They bounce you hard on the ground
And dribble
Then we all get high fives
And you think I'm an jerk now
Well, you're probably right
But at least I'm not blind to the facts
I've been wishing were all lies

I miss my body, I miss my face, I miss my lover, I miss the empty space.



1. I want to disappear in more ways than just one.
2. When you push me aside, I die inside.
3. Sometimes, I just want to jump on you and redo the past.
4. I want to cry and cry and cry, so I'll never have to cry again.
5. I want to not care anymore.
6. I've fallen so far.. so far.
7. Why can't I measure up anymore?
8. I don't care about the risks anymore.
9. I hate birthdays.
10. I hate people who think they're better than I am.
11. It's not fair.
12. How could it not have been right?
13. Am I nothing to no one?
14. Yeah, I made mistakes, will I always be judged for them?
15. Can I please move now?
16. I don't want to live past 23 sometimes.
17. I'm still in love with a ghost.
18. I'm a burden, I know.
19. I'm selfish, I know.
20. I can't ever be quiet.
21. I'm needy.
22. I'm done for a while.
23. And I'm so sick of you.

I can do much better than you, but I still let you break me without reason. I'll never be "good enough" for someone like you and with that attitude, you certainly aren't good enough for me. You're lucky, so lucky, and it's hard to understand why you doubt that. I'm not being conceited. This is how it goes. I'm on a train, and I can't get off until I get kicked off or randomly fall off. That falling off will be happening shortly.. if I can manage to pick myself up from the places my pieces have been scattered. Yeah, I've been shattered, but I'm still whole under the broken glass.

Pause.


This is it. No more. Break my bones, please. Bind me.



Play.


Kisses, dates, weddings.
Dark corner. Silence.

...Fleece Was White As Snow

The way you stare at the ceiling
to ease the healing
of looking into another's face,
a curse that can't be erased--
the smile that sinks in across your lips
as you imagine your hands on another's hips.
Her eyes, her smile, through them she glows.
Oh, you don't, you don't, you don't know
what you're doing.

Yeah, you're her knight in fading armor
with every intention to charm her.
She'll fall head over heels
because she's too young to know what's real.
To her the difference in the shades is a mystery
due to a lack of romantic history
or any kind of history at all.
Hang what daddy's given her on a wall
like it's nothing.

But it's OK, I guess.
I mean, to you it's the best.
And you know everything, right?
So there's no need for this fight,
this never-ending war.
Honestly, it's become such a bore.
The rage rises like the tide,
but then the red subsides.
What now?

His hands are on your heart,
though they've been there from the start.
And now they're on your skin
as you're soaking in the sweetest sin.
Can your peel your mind out of the seas of lust
to carry out the actions previously discussed?
Your faith is strong, you're "ideal"--
are you ready to prove if you're for real?
Here it comes.

And I'm done.

Today

A day of OK by the rules she creates turns out to be just the same and my eyes are on the mirror and it's not me staring back, not it's not me, not anymore. I speak in run-on sentences and slurred tongues, dreaming of being dizzy, watching my plans come undone and seeing, screaming at the mess I have made--it's such a shame. And then she's in my throat again, undoing what I've done. But I'm too tired to let her win even though it's what I want, all I want, all she wants, all you want. It's what everybody wants.

Reunion

Rid me of my time, rid me of my need, rid me of my weakness, make me (in)complete.


I need to focus.
I need to suffer.
I need to die, die, die daily, hourly.


I'm not going to show how much it hurts me this time.

Yeah, my life is fabulous.
Isn't that what you want me to say?
Fabulous, perfect, complete in every way.

I've been hit, but I'm not phased.
I've been hit, but I'm not stunned.
I've been hit, but I don't care.
Oh, I'm so done, I'm so done.



But I'm still reaching for answers.
And now it's back at stage one again.

Lie #1

I am absolutely fine with this. I don't want to take it any further emotionally. I like how we are. I like secrets. I like never knowing where I stand. We have fun, that's all that matters. Who cares if you could really care less.

Lie #2

I absolutely hate you, and you don't deserve to be my friend anymore. I'm so glad that you're finally out of my life. Who cares what I'm losing! Who cares about how YOU feel. Not me. I don't care at all.

Lie #3

I'm so over this that this is ridiculous. I never really loved you anyway. I mean, it's not hard to let go.

Lie #4

I want him more. He's here, he's now.


Lie #5

I am fine. I am healthy. AnaMia died.

This seems like too much. I don't even know where to begin.

OK.

So, one month, one week. I am flipped inside out, upside down. My words are cliched, but I don't care. Things never turn out the way they're supposed to.

Days in I spoke to him, and I knew that something would happen. It was either him or the past. And the past was dead, impossible. I prayed about it. It's weird. And when it all seemed to go down hill, when I gave up completely, it happened. And I was thrilled.. too thrilled. Because this is just a temporary thing, an act of convenience. I hate that I'm doing this, but I want it so badly. And the past breaks promises, as do best friends. All best friends, excluding one or two. But all of the promise breakers are sorry, excluding one. And a few days ago, I saw a tattoo that said "Promises Kept" and then there was a yellow flower attached to my car. I then went to the park and broke another heart because it wasn't convenient to keep it whole. Mine has cracks in it too, but I guess I've gotten used to it. Life is weird.

Walls

"So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity with a continual lust for more." Ephesians 4:17-19


When you put up walls, nothing can get in. There are things that you unconsciously bring with you for your instant pleasure as the walls are being built. With the assistance of these entities, the walls only go up all the more quickly. You can't see over the walls, you can't see around the walls, you can only look straight through them to what lies outside. And it's all so blurry. Best friends become enemies in your eyes due to the distortion. True love runs out and turns to hate when before that was never even a possibility. Everyone seems like a hypocrite when in truth, you are the biggest hypocrite of all. People tend to get a little self-righteous when they are cut off from what really is righteous.

Are you listening?
We write a thousand pages, they're torn and on the floor
Headlights hammer the windows, we're locked behind these doors
And we are never leaving, this place is part of us
And all these scenes repeating are cold to the touch

My hands seem to deceive me
When I'm nervous or when I'm healthy
The scenery's all drawn...

They hang here from the walls dear,
Painting pictures, bleeding colors,
blanket the windows...

Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe.
Your eyes see right through me.

These fights with your arms left beside.
One thing and one more says goodnight.
You've got the map come get to me.
These knuckles break before they bleed.

Tear out these veins that own my heart.
This skin that wears your lasting marks.
I've built these walls come get to me, come get to me.

Is this your lesson, a slight discretion,
The lines that keep you, the lines that sweep you.
Lock the doors from the inside...

Your face is so contagious, it wears announcements,
It leaves me breathless, I won't forget this. I won't forget.

Sometimes it gets so hard to breathe.
Your eyes see right through me.

Let the walls have their say.
Let the walls have their say.
Let the walls have their say.
Let the walls have their say.
Let the walls have their say.
Have their say.

There's no conversation, words without remorse
And this television drowns the only source
Wake from these dreams of you in my arms
To the staircase where you hold my heart
This place, these walls mean everything to me.
-Emery

Chaos

You know how everyone has a rebound?

It's weird to think that you were the rebound.
And now you're just the "good times girl."


This makes me want to not eat for a year.

Love is Old, Love is New; Love is All, Love is You.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all fullness of God." --Ephesians 4:16-19

You can't be rooted in love if you do not know Love. When I forget Love, it is when I become the most irrational. Love has dressed me in the finest clothes, gifted me with a perfect plan, a perfect option that is not really an option, yet He presents it to me as so because He loves me. Love loves me. Love holds me. And when I struggle to get away, when I think I am getting some ground of own, I fall the hardest. It's like a three-legged race. I run and run, trying to get ahead, but because He is behind me, moving in His time, the perfect time, I fall back. He remains stable because it is His nature.

But I forgot who Love is and what love is. It's not about words, about touch, about emotion. It is quiet. It is a quiet, simple thing rather than a whirlwind of chaos.

So this is not love. Briefly, it was. But them you saw me.

Never again.