An Attempt to Tip the Scales

I don't have the words anymore.
I am a professional when it comes to putting out fires.

.333

I can't take
these bruises you afflict
in that unintentional way
that makes me ask you to stay
a little longer,
love a little harder
before time runs out.
Because it will (Won't it?).

You take me in,
I pull you out--
this cycle has yet
to be figured out.
How can I
How can you
How can we
make this last?

I can't put you out of my mind.
I can't speak the words that describe
the way my heart beats,
my stomach turns,
my hands shake,
my eyes burn--
so your face won't be interrupted with shades of black.
How could I ever put you in the past?

Walls come crashing down.
The weight crushes me.
You say it's not your fault,
but when did you ever try to save me?

Never.

Human hands cannot heal,
human strength cannot strike
this disease,
my torture chamber.

-

But love, love, love--
the greatest is love.
Where is this love
that you verbally profess?

Nowhere.

"Kill me with the love that you won't give to me, and pack the wound with salt--I want to feel it bleed."

Colors, colors, everywhere
Some floating, some sticking,
filling in my blanks--
how will You color me today?
Will I be cold and grey?

This is not me.

Walking, walking, everywhere
I am unaware of every step
that moves me forward, pulls me back--
where will You take me today?
Should I go or should I stay?

This is not me.

I'm on the outside looking in,
You've taken me away.
My skin is gone, my spirit is
unraveling--
like a ball of yarn, an organized mess.

You straighten me out.

I am nothing but a line,
making progress, reaching skyward
so I may get to You.
Oh, if only I could get to You.
Oh, please let me get to You.

You fill me.

All words fall away.
I am empty and the light goes through,
brushing the edges, painting the walls--
You paint my path,
speaking to me in words that I cannot understand.

Pull me under.

I want to be submerged,
immersed, saturated.
The chains are gone, yet I am immovable,
heavy as I am soaked through--
I overflow.

I

love

you.

Thirsty at thirteen,
I found you.
Been falling in and out ever since.
Now I'm sickly at seventeen,
I can hardly remember where I've been,
where I've been.

I cry out,
you sit still.
They say it's all for your good will.
Everything goes according to your plan,
but when will you show me who I am,
who I am?

"Why did you let Sin take you by the hand?"

[silence]

"I told you to call for me. I told you I would answer! He may seem understanding, but it is a perverted, misshapen form of understanding, far off from the truth that I have given to me. So, why did you let him take you by the hand?"

"He was so loud and quick--I didn't know how to stop him. He ran circles around me, making me feel faint. I had to grab his hand to hold on. I didn't want to fall."

"So, fall into me. Why did you not fall into me?"

"I couldn't see you."

"Does that mean that I am not with you?"

"Yes... I mean.. No... I mean.."

I still can't feel you.

Test

I read your letter,
full of my letters.
Your twisted mind
makes my stomach turn.
You say I know you better
than anyone.
But the truth is:
I don't know you at all.

You send me secret messages
full of notes you've composed.
Is your lack of sanity
something for you to boast?
Your definition of communication
is a one-sided madness.
You've blocked me from entering.
Are you really there?

Do you laugh when I pray for you?
Do I lie when I say that love is not forgotten,
yet changed as things progress?
I can't let myself slip when I'm around you.
All my movements are in time, in time, in time...

You're so blind, so blind, so blind.
How can you lie, lie, lie?

It's bright where I am,
a kind of bright you've never known.

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am



And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
And you can tell me how vile
I already know that I am



I'll grow old
And start acting my age
I'll be a brand new day
In a life that you hate



A crown of gold
A heart that's harder than stone
And it hurts a whole lot
But it's missed when it's gone



Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad you that can forgive
Only hoping as time goes
You can forget

If it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way



And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out



It's as cold as a tomb
And it's dark in your room
When I sneak to your bed
To pour salt in your wounds



So call it quits
Or get a grip
Say you wanted a solution
You just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget
So you can forget
You can forget

You are calm and reposed
Let your beauty unfold
Pale white like the skin
Stretched over your bones



Spring keeps you ever close
You are second hand smoke



You are so fragile and thin
Standing trial for your sins
Holding onto yourself the best you can



You are the smell before the rain
You are the blood in my veins



Call me a safe bet
I'm betting I'm not
I'm glad that you can forgive
I'm only hoping as time goes
You can forget