Today, I watched a Lifetime movie. I had seen it before in my freshman health class. It was the movie that scared me into dropping my habits. As I watched it today, I cried. I cried a lot. It was still so scary, although I'm so far from being at risk.
I wish I could just say it. I wish I could tell the whole world. I'm tired of talking around my problems. I'm tired of ignoring them. I wish everyone could know and accept it. I want love and help and I don't want anyone to think any less of me. I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. I don't want them to take drastic measures. We don't even have the finances for that. I'm so selfish. I'm so selfish. They can't know. I have to get better alone. I have to be strong by myself because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of letting people in and then closing myself to them. I'm tired of friendships broken my frustration and stubbornness. I'm going to be stubborn, I've always been stubborn. I want someone to care enough to push past it. He couldn't. He couldn't. He yelled at me and made it worse. He broke me more and more and more everyday. He made it opposite. It was so simple before, but now there's technicalities. There's sore throats and puffy cheeks, broken tear ducts. I don't blame him. I just wish he had cared more. I wished that I had been smarter when choosing someone to share my heart with. It's over now, and there's no hard feelings. We can laugh, we can be friends. But I'm broken. Not by him, but by it. There are days when I'm fine. There are days when the future is blinding and beautiful. I can see friends and opportunities and love. But then there are days like today, when I am completely alone, and I'm not okay. I'm only writing this blog to keep me from doing something stupid. If I keep typing, I'll take up time, and after a while, someone will call, and I won't be alone anymore.
I'll get through this. I'll beat this.
I think I'll start by trying to think about something else.
Tomorrow is my first date con mi nuevo novio.
It is going to be joyous.
Monday, January 14, 2008
My Favourite Game
Posted by Amanda at 9:54 AM
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5 comments:
Hi! I somehow came across your blog and I just want you to know that you are in my heart and my prayers! I don't know you and I don't know what you are going through, but I do know that God loves you so very much and wants nothing more than to hold you and love on you! You can email me if you want and I will be someone you can talk to, I promise! I know what it feels like to feel alone and to think crazy thoughts. Please know that you are NOT alone!!!!!! You are loved!!!!
If you can forgive me for my flaws and problems and love me anyway, then you will be able to see the mad love and respect I have for you.
Me and my novio are excited about you and your novio. (:
*Cause I'm not naturally good. Or bad. I'm just a person. So, my flaws and short comings definately need to be forgiven.
You're not alone. I'm here. Even if it's just to listen. You know that. And you have plenty more people that are here for you, that want to get to know you so they can be able to be there for you. It's so amazing how God has our whole beings in the palm of His hand. He know's all about our pasts, our presents, and our beautiful & unthinkable futures. And he's placed this support group around you now. I've come to realize that what He has put in our lives, what He is putting in our lives, even when they seem suckishly like crap and hard as mess they don't seem so bad when we have hope in a marvelous future, when it hits us that we are growing even as we hurt for now. I love you!
sometimes i find myself afraid to look in the mirror. afraid to see the truth and afraid to acknowledge it, so i don't tell myself and as a result i don't tell anyone else.
phillippians 4:13 says "i can do all through Christ who strengthens me." you've heard it a lot. more than a lot. but it's so true, amanda. you can do it with help. His help, our help, your own perseverance, determination, and strong will. it doesn't have to exist. it doesn't have to keep you chained up and hopeless, alone and abandoned. that is exactly where Satan wants you. he wants you alone, so he can tear you to pieces as you suffer by yourself. don't be alone. let someone in. obviously the former guy you referred to was a blind, weak idiot. but we love you. your parents love you. your church family loves you. let someone help you-- God can work through people, miraculously. ;)
i can't wait for tomorrow.
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