I walked away to get wisdom
But in the end I just walked home
And it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again
It was the same song and it's making me sad
Cause I think that it's happened
And it hasn't been had
And it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again
And I'm injured again
Yeah it's sick and I'm sucked in
Yeah I'm at it again
It's sick and I'm sucked in
It's sick and I'm sucked in
Cause I had some things so dear
Slip away and leave me here
And it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again
Yeah, it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again
-Lisa Loeb
I feel numb and I don't care about anything.
All I do is eat and do my homework.
And I sit. I sit a lot.
I want to run across the country.
I want to run fast and far and never stop.
I want to keep going and going,
seeing new things,
and getting lost but simultaneously found...
Someone, run with me!
Dance with me!
I hate feeling this down.
I hate feeling this useless.
Goddddddddd, I love the way I feel when I dance. I love the way I feel when I sing.
Why don't I do those things anymore? Why don't I run anymore? Why don't I enjoy anything like I used to enjoy it???
I think I'm depressed. I have no reason to be. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Maybe I'm like those people on the Zoloft commercials. I don't know. I read a book about this depressed guy who checked himself into the hospital because he thought that he might kill himself. Do people ever do that, or do they just go and attempt to kill themselves? Like, I can picture it sometimes... when I'm in my car... I could just let go, I could just gun it more, I could turn sharply and flip... I hate picturing those things, but I do. I picture them often. It's not that I hate life. I just don't see the point anymore. I'm so stuck and I feel like I have no purpose. I don't see myself going anywhere. I know that we're supposed to "live for God"-- that's supposed to be my purpose, but like, I don't think I'm doing that. I don't know what I could do. Would I feel fulfilled? Would I feel a reason to exist?
I'm not going anywhere, so don't worry. I just feel like a dud. I feel like I've been completely used up and worn out and I have nothing left in me. I pretty much suck right now. I failed a Biology Quiz today and the teacher told me to switch to regular like I was dumb or something. I can't stay awake in HUSH. I can't analyze stupid essays in AP Language. I can't draw. I can't get switched into Weight Lifting. I can't run anymore (13:52 2-mile = shoot me, please? Danie's 2-mile was like 12:20, and she outweighs me by at least 20-30 pounds). I can't get a job. I can't socialize. I can't be stable. I can't be nice all the time. I can't keep a boyfriend anymore (this isn't really that important, but I though that I'd throw it in there). I can't make my parents happy. I can't my my friends happy. I'm too much. I'm all problems. I'm not life-giving, I'm life-draining. It makes me want to run away... it makes me want to run away FAST.. and I know that my grammar sucks, but saying quickly would have totally ruined the affect that I wanted to have.. whatever. I'm rambling.
dajfkasjksjkaajfaklfl >:O
I'm angry at myself now. I'm angry, but too unmotivated to do anything about it. I feel like I could spend a whole week in bed and not care. I'm tired of fighting...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Drops Me Down
Posted by Amanda at 9:52 PM
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2 comments:
look for joy.
forget your waist and hips. forget american eagle. forget lies from boys of old. forget being a wife, mother, homemaker. forget a wedding, forget prom. forget shoes and makeup and perfume.
be you. even if you think it's ugly. because i know it won't be. let yourself chill, stop looking for purpose. because you don't chose purpose. it just finds you. so i'm saying, do things you wouldn't do, don't let yourself feel comfortable. if you're scared to talk to somebody, do it. if you're scared to stop running track, do it. if you're afraid to get a C in a class, do it. yeah i said it! stop letting things limit you.
you need to learn about yourself. what do you like? there are things you don't even know you like. find em, by playing around. let life be an adventure. don't limit you, don't limit anything.
it's grossly ugly to see people forget who they are, or never find who they are, or never share who they are. no matter how wonderful of a costume they create, it's ugly. it's gloriously beautiful to see people know who they are and go with it, who have nothing to hide behind.
you're weirdly skinny. eat. don't fast good [for you]foods. let your body weigh what it will weigh when you eat good food and stay active. your body knows what it's supposed to look like, you can't tell it what it should be.
for me, no matter how in shape i get, i have curves. and, it's ok with me. not because it always has been, but because now i realize it can be beautiful.
be more particular about boys you really like, and a lot less particular about not getting them in the end. you'll end up with a great one, so don't worry about it now
you draw well. like, really.
and, dream. cultivate your ability to dream. before i randomly left the country to hang out with middle aged pastors in a huge, dirty, impoverished city, i couldn't dream. now, i can. i dream about things in that city, and i dream about things that have nothing in common with that city, or that trip, or that culture. don't set yourself to be a wife/mother/homemaker, because you have no idea what kind of mad crazy joy is waiting for you.
well, i couldnt say it any better then rachel did. seriously, shes dead on the money.
i would like to add one thing...i heard a speaker say, "if you arn't in God's calling, He will make you miserable because its not where u'r suppose to be." maybe thats what God's trying to say. maybe all these boys and trying to be super skinny and getting great grades, and running faster than daniel, isnt you. maybe God has given you this talent at something you had no clue you even had. but if you start getting away from all this now thats making you feel drained and depressed. maybe than you're eyes and heart will opened to Gods TRUE calling for you.
if you ever need to talk, call me. please. i love being the ears to those who need to vent. my number is 919-552-8044. call me if you wanna hang too. i would love to get out=]
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