Drops Me Down

I walked away to get wisdom
But in the end I just walked home
And it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again

It was the same song and it's making me sad
Cause I think that it's happened
And it hasn't been had
And it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again

And I'm injured again
Yeah it's sick and I'm sucked in
Yeah I'm at it again
It's sick and I'm sucked in
It's sick and I'm sucked in

Cause I had some things so dear
Slip away and leave me here
And it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again
Yeah, it drops me, drops me down
And I'm not feeling so good again
-Lisa Loeb

I feel numb and I don't care about anything.
All I do is eat and do my homework.
And I sit. I sit a lot.

I want to run across the country.
I want to run fast and far and never stop.
I want to keep going and going,
seeing new things,
and getting lost but simultaneously found...

Someone, run with me!
Dance with me!
I hate feeling this down.
I hate feeling this useless.

Goddddddddd, I love the way I feel when I dance. I love the way I feel when I sing.
Why don't I do those things anymore? Why don't I run anymore? Why don't I enjoy anything like I used to enjoy it???

I think I'm depressed. I have no reason to be. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. Maybe I'm like those people on the Zoloft commercials. I don't know. I read a book about this depressed guy who checked himself into the hospital because he thought that he might kill himself. Do people ever do that, or do they just go and attempt to kill themselves? Like, I can picture it sometimes... when I'm in my car... I could just let go, I could just gun it more, I could turn sharply and flip... I hate picturing those things, but I do. I picture them often. It's not that I hate life. I just don't see the point anymore. I'm so stuck and I feel like I have no purpose. I don't see myself going anywhere. I know that we're supposed to "live for God"-- that's supposed to be my purpose, but like, I don't think I'm doing that. I don't know what I could do. Would I feel fulfilled? Would I feel a reason to exist?

I'm not going anywhere, so don't worry. I just feel like a dud. I feel like I've been completely used up and worn out and I have nothing left in me. I pretty much suck right now. I failed a Biology Quiz today and the teacher told me to switch to regular like I was dumb or something. I can't stay awake in HUSH. I can't analyze stupid essays in AP Language. I can't draw. I can't get switched into Weight Lifting. I can't run anymore (13:52 2-mile = shoot me, please? Danie's 2-mile was like 12:20, and she outweighs me by at least 20-30 pounds). I can't get a job. I can't socialize. I can't be stable. I can't be nice all the time. I can't keep a boyfriend anymore (this isn't really that important, but I though that I'd throw it in there). I can't make my parents happy. I can't my my friends happy. I'm too much. I'm all problems. I'm not life-giving, I'm life-draining. It makes me want to run away... it makes me want to run away FAST.. and I know that my grammar sucks, but saying quickly would have totally ruined the affect that I wanted to have.. whatever. I'm rambling.

dajfkasjksjkaajfaklfl >:O

I'm angry at myself now. I'm angry, but too unmotivated to do anything about it. I feel like I could spend a whole week in bed and not care. I'm tired of fighting...

Sullen Girl

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself
All day - and all night
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel - to take flight -

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl -
And left an empty shell of me

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

-Fiona Apple

I am so tired. I am cracking, I am breaking, I am hiding so many things.

Wake Up Exhausted

Ugh, I hate school.
This semester sucks.

I just spent an hour on HUSH homework, and I'm not even done.
And then I have to write the most impossible essay evvvvver for AP Language.

My HUSH class has a lot of people I know in it, including like 23948390 ex boyfriends.. it's awkwarddd. The badbadbad ex sits in the back and talks crap about me. I hate his voice. It still scares me. The good ex sits right next to me, and he makes me laugh. Ethan is close to me too, but not close enough.

In Art II, I sit in the "ghetto" part of the class because of my terrible 'T' last name. Today, I almost drowned in stories about the 'hood and abusive boyfriends and crazy jealous ex's. And then they started talking about white girls, and I just sat there. Zach sits next to me, but I barely even know him anymore. It made me want to cry today. We got so close, and now he's just... gone.

In AP Language, it's like everyone in the class is best friends, and I'm just on the outside with this one other girl. I ate lunch with people that I know didn't really like me. Ken and Brian have my lunch, but I would have felt weird sitting with a bunch of guys. Everyone thinks I'm a tramp anways, but skdfjskjfksafj!!! :[ I love my teacher, though. She was excited to see me. I sort of shrugged it off because I'm all 'tough' and crap, but I was elated.

In Biology, I am one of the three juniors in the class. The rest of the people are sophomores. I sit next to a cool girl named Giselle with a crazy weave. She's a vegetarian, and I think that she might be addicted to sex, but it's okay. I like talking about sex enough. I asked the teacher to move me to the front anyways because I know I'll fail in the back. I can't force myself to not draw pictures and take notes.

Track was yucky, too. We "cheated" on our Walden run and then we had to run a timed 2-mile back to the school. I came home and ate the whole kitchen. I hate myself for it, but oh well.

Today was loooong. I am excited for Rachel's party. I am broke, though. It'll work out.

sdfkjsfkjdskfjksjfkajkasjkajfkjlafjlka

I'm off to write two essays!

A Scale, A Mirror And Those Indifferent Clocks

Here is a scale. Weigh it out and you'll find, easily,
more than sufficient doubt that these colors, you see
were picked in advance by some careful hand
with an absolute concept of beauty.

They are smeared and these blurs come in random order
and they color the eyes of your former lovers.
Hers were green like July,
except when she cried they were red.

Now I know a disease that these doctors can't treat.
You contract on the day you accept all you see
is a mirror and a mirror is all it can be.
A reflection of something we're missing.

And language just happened. It was never planned.
And it's inadequate to describe where I am
in the room of my house where the light's never been
waiting for this day to end.

And these clocks keep unwinding and completely ignore
everything that we hate or adore.
Once the page of a calendar is turned it's no more.
So tell me then, what was it for?
Oh tell me, what was it for?

-Bright Eyes [I can't write like that]

Tomorrow, I'm scheduling myself. That's hard to do when you don't know when you're going to wake up, but I'm going to try. I have to be busy.

If I wake up at 9 or after then, I'm heading straight into the shower. Maybe I'll eat after that, but hopefully, I won't be hungry. I think I'll go to the library after that. I need to freaking craaaam myself with everything related to the SAT, and I won't do it at home. I want to stay there for at least two hours. And I want to read nutrition books. So many of them.

At 3, I have practice. Straight after, movies. That'll take about 2.5 hours. So then it'll be dinner time, and then I'll sleep. The end.

Phil 3:19
Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.

I'm sick of that.

Words mean nothing unless you act on them.
Don't tell me that you care about me.
SHOW ME.

Don't make me happy and then leave me.
I'm sick of this.

My Curse

2,500.
121.
1/21: 125?
#1
1,000
110
15
52.5
1.5
3/20
60
59.

I'm running out of time.
I'm running out of time.
3500 * 15 = 52,500 / 4 = 13,125 = 3.75

125- 3.75 = 121.25 - 1/28

121.25- 3.75 = 117.5 - 2/4

117.5- 3.75 = 113.75 - 2/12

113.75- 3.75= 110- 2/19

typically

1500/1
-500 in - 500 out
r1hrpde1000
-1000pd -7000
shooooot man
freaking shoot

ksjsdkfjksdjfksdajfkdlasdklf

edit// a las diez y once en la noche

Church moved me a little bit today.
I need to take steps.
Small steps.
I mean, there are miracles, but I don't feel myself being one.
I don't want it enough.
For some reason, I like this too much.

My throat hurts. The dentist will know why.
3 times today. 3 times today. 3 times today.

I'm breaking. Breaking. I'm tired of having to break, but I feel this is my chest. I need control. I need structure. I need plans. I need consequences. Stop me, so I won't have to start. I can't exhale what I haven't inhaled. Small steps.

These words are jumbled, but they make sense to me.

My Favorite Things

I'm copying everyone and making a list.

Hm.

Favorite movie: There's way too many, but I love Say Anything. It is the cutest 1980's love story ever ever ever.


Favorite food: Either chocolate chip pancakes or pb&j sandwiches.
Yummmmmmmmmmmm x 39483290429084!

Favorite book: I love Sarah Dessen, so pretty much anything by her and I'm in love with this book called Skinny by Ibi Kaslik. And then there's also Scott Westerfield's Uglies, Pretties, Specials trilogy. And then there's The Scarlet Letter and The Great Gatsby. I just like books, man.

Favorite vacation: Myrtle Beach with friends (I love Broadway at the Beach!!!) or Disney World. Splash Mountain is joyous.

Favorite pattern: Plaid

Favorite drink at Starbucks: Skinny Caramel Latte

Favorite song: Currently, it's that "Anyone Else But You" song from Juno, but this changes often.

"I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you"

Favorite TV Show: Grey's Anatomy!!!!


Favorite Actor: I can't choose :[ Patrick Dempsey and Johnny Depp


Favorite grocery store: Either Harris Teeter or Whole Foods

Favorite Superhero: Wolverine or Spiderman


Favorite eye color in boys: Something different, like hazelish or green. Or a crystal blue type of color.

Favorite boys names (future kid names, I guess): Hezekiah, Jack, Rainey, Edward, Todd

Favorite girl names: Cordelia, Leia, Lilia, Celena, Arwin

Favorite kind of shoes: Ked slip ons with sick patterns


Favorite kind of music: Stuff with weird singing voices and strange instruments and heart-melting lyrics

Bright Eyes, Tegan and Sara, The Killers, and other weird things that I don't even know the name of

Favorite comic: Pearls Before Swine, Funky Winkerbean, Luann, Zits, Cathy [I love comics]

Favorite fad diet: Weight Watchers

Favorite sport: Field hockey

Favorite brand of jeans: AE all the way

Favorite kind of pizza: Spinach and mushroom and goat cheese

Favorite ice cream flavor: Phish Food
According to Wikipedia, Phish Food is a Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor named after the rock band Phish. It is a chocolate ice cream with a caramel-marshmallow swirl and fish and cow shaped chocolate chunks inside.
[would post a pic, but Blogger is saying that I've posted too many already]

Well, if you want to know more, ask.

EDNOS

Naked on your bathroom floor,
Unconscious due to malnutrition:
This is how you see yourself
In an idealistic vision.
With a figure so concave,
It's obvious that you haven't eaten in days
Or weeks or nights or something like that.
But you know this isn't you,
It's just what you want to be,
But you're too busy being a consumer
To live out this morbid fantasy.
You're looking so much like a tramp
In those size zero designer pants.
Your lack of purity won't let them fit.
So you called up your friend Jenny,
and you paid her lots of money.
She taught you to be like Ana,
And simultaneously a glutton.
But you hated it and called up the head hauncho, Ed.
He cursed to the shiny, porcelain toilet bowl of death,
And literally, you were choked up.
The acidic exposure tore your throat up,
And it put a hole in your stomach,
Only slightly bigger than the one in your heart.
Your frailty stopped you before you could even start.
Your teeth turned black and fell out,
You went through an epidermal drought,
And supernal beauty was all that you wanted.

Best Thing You Never Had

So, today definitely wasn't a joyous day. I don't want to write a stupid emo girl blog, but it might come out that way. I'm just so disappointed, you know? I know it was a stupid, five-minute fling type of thing, but I liked him a lot. It's like... you get all these hopes and expectations and you get excited, and then just a few words can ruin it. "I just had a little crush." Whatever, man.

---

My Favourite Game

Today, I watched a Lifetime movie. I had seen it before in my freshman health class. It was the movie that scared me into dropping my habits. As I watched it today, I cried. I cried a lot. It was still so scary, although I'm so far from being at risk.

I wish I could just say it. I wish I could tell the whole world. I'm tired of talking around my problems. I'm tired of ignoring them. I wish everyone could know and accept it. I want love and help and I don't want anyone to think any less of me. I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. I don't want them to take drastic measures. We don't even have the finances for that. I'm so selfish. I'm so selfish. They can't know. I have to get better alone. I have to be strong by myself because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of letting people in and then closing myself to them. I'm tired of friendships broken my frustration and stubbornness. I'm going to be stubborn, I've always been stubborn. I want someone to care enough to push past it. He couldn't. He couldn't. He yelled at me and made it worse. He broke me more and more and more everyday. He made it opposite. It was so simple before, but now there's technicalities. There's sore throats and puffy cheeks, broken tear ducts. I don't blame him. I just wish he had cared more. I wished that I had been smarter when choosing someone to share my heart with. It's over now, and there's no hard feelings. We can laugh, we can be friends. But I'm broken. Not by him, but by it. There are days when I'm fine. There are days when the future is blinding and beautiful. I can see friends and opportunities and love. But then there are days like today, when I am completely alone, and I'm not okay. I'm only writing this blog to keep me from doing something stupid. If I keep typing, I'll take up time, and after a while, someone will call, and I won't be alone anymore.

I'll get through this. I'll beat this.
I think I'll start by trying to think about something else.


Tomorrow is my first date con mi nuevo novio.
It is going to be joyous.

Time Running

I'm running sort of late, but I don't care. I just feel the need to write something. I swear, I'm already addicted to this blogger thing.

Yesterday wasn't a bad day. I spent the day napping and grocery shopping with my mom. We went to the big Harris Teeter in Fuquay and it had sososo many things that Clayton doesn't have. It was exciting. I bought things to make recipes from my amazing cook book that I bought at the mall, and I can't wait to cook. Like, if it wasn't running late, I would start now. Ehh, I'll probably start tomorrow because I plan on sleeping most of today anways, but yeah. I'M EXCITED! I love hobbies.

Ehhhhahhhaaaahhh! I have to leave now, but I'm not finished.

I'll be back.
I will most certainly be back.

Whatever Gets You Through Today

You know how TV shows sometimes title their episodes with songs titles?

I'm a sucker for any sappy, drama-filled TV show that does that, so I've decided to use the same technique when titling my blogs.

Anyways:

Today (or yesterday, seeing that it's around 12:30 AM) was not a good day. I was alone, and bad habits caught up with me. I can't let myself be alone for that long anymore.. at least not for a while. I need to talk to someone about it. I need someone that I can call. I'm sure that I could have called someone, and they would have talked to me about it, but it's sort of humiliating. I don't even know what I'd say if I had to call someone when I felt triggered. I'm so bad at talking about my emotions and letting people in to how I really feel. I used to be so open, but I think the world has changed me. Hollywood shows us these perfect, plastic people wearing those "fine, just fine" faces, and it makes everyone think that they have be the same way. And I am. Even if I'm breaking, I have to be "fine" because I don't want people to know that I have a weak spot. I don't want to burden anyone. And right now, I can't even really write about how I feel because I'm tired, and the words just won't come.

Tomorrow, I am going to drink so much coffee.
And I'm going to the store and buying lots of vegetable soup and sweet mint gum.
I have 29282390 magazines to read and 2 or 3 books that I never got around to finishing.
I will be distracted.
I will not break.

Sick

I don't feel like myself anymore, and it makes me sick inside.
I wish I had someone to talk to about it.
I wish I was capable of talking about it.

I'm at war with myself

And I'm losing terribly.

Bad habit

I want to be free from this.
I really do.

But it's in my head, it's in my head.
Numbers and more numbers
I'm constantly adding and subtracting and estimating, and it's driving me crazy.

When I let go of them, I get scared.
I'm barely hanging onto them now, and it's terrifying.
They're slipping from my mind, and I need them.

They help me shrink.
They help me to be out of the way.
They give me a sense of accomplishment.
They are my driving force.

But they kill me,
they kill me:

They make me cry.
They make me bleed.
They make my skin crack.
They make my throat burn.
They make my heart weak.

I'm so confused.
And no one even knows.
No one knows...

I've gone to God and He's gotten me out of this.
My inconsistency keeps drawing me back in.

Well

I have revealed my blog.

I deleted everything on it.
And I'm starting over-- disease free (hopefully).

I'm tired of being a prisoner.