You Don't See Me

I was in your bed, and I was invisible. I was holding your hand, but you didn't feel a thing. I knew that we would have one night before the end of us, but I didn't expect it to be this way. You kissed my mouth and touched my face with your right hand as you were using the left to hold open the door because you forgot your key. You told me that I'd be OK, but I believe that it is absolutely pathetic that I'm the one who has to be informed of my own condition. Of course I'll be OK in time, but will you? And why? Why do I have to be the one that might not be OK? Why do I have to live with lies in my head, rolling off of my tongue? These words, they don't even make sense, but neither does this incredible, ridiculous love that probably never even existed. Nonetheless, you have stolen my heart and watched it evaporate into nothing. Now I'm choking back tears that I can't let come because I've run out of shoulders to cry on.

I hope you have a good life without me, I hope you have the greatest life. I hope you fall in love so hard that you can't see, and I hope that the love is requited. Depsite how much you've hurt me, I want the best for you. I know that I've hurt you too, and for a small amount of time, you held onto that sadness and loved me regardless. You deserve someone so much better. You deserve someone with patiene and acceptance who will love you despite all of your flaws. You deserve someone who will never hurt you, cheat on you, lie to you. You deserve the world, baby, and I'm sorry that I couldn't give it to you. Have a good life, have the greatest life, don't forget me, please... I love you.

Life

I fail.

I get carried away with every day and every fantasy. The deeper the wound, the harder I swoon, and wish that that was me. So much to say, but no words to convey, the loneliness building with each passing day, but I'm getting used to it. You just have to live with it.

I'm moving in one thousand circles at once

say the word

In my Nursing 110 class, we basically learn about nothing, and it's pretty nice. Today, however, we were given a lecture on stress management. In the later parts of the lecture, the representative from the counseling center demonstrated relaxation techniques. She had us close our eyes and think of a place where we felt safe, like nothing could touch us. She said that it could be home or the beach or anything. I thought over all of my options. I don't really feel safe at home, I never have. I don't really feel safe in much of anywhere. The only thing that came to mind was you, your gentle face, your black curls. I thought about our beach trip together and all of the times we sat and talked on your couch, your head in my lap, my hands in your hair. I saw you making me French onion soup and shrimp fettuccine in your kitchen, the lights down low. I know we've been through a lot in the past couple of weeks, but you are like home to me. You are my safe place, and I don't want you to go. I've never loved someone so much in such a short amount of time...

Yeah, I'm sure it's godly to exile people for making a few mistakes. Sometimes when your head spins and your heart is breaking, you can't even tell what's going on around you. The world is dark and your body is numb and the edges are blurring. It's a stream of consciousness type of thing. F. Scott Fitzgerald couldn't have described it better. I'd like to picture God as this symbol of love, looking out for me. If I didn't have Him, I could have gotten hurt. He's not a club that you join that makes you better than anyone else. He's love, plain and simple. And yeah, I don't mirror His love very well, but you've got to ask yourself.. do you? I didn't even try to hurt you, and you're kicking dirt in my face. You're always kicking dirt in my face, and I love you, but you hurt me so much. I've done my fair share of hurting too, and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry if I tend to think that I'm always right because I'm not. I just love you. You've been there, you're amazing, I love you. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way about me. I'm sorry if I'm not good enough to be your friend anymore.


And baby, I love you too, and I'm sorry for hurting you. I don't need you in my life, but I'd really like to have you there. I know that I do silly things, I know that they take a toll on you, but I love you. I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me. I want you to be so happy that it makes you cry. And me, just don't worry. It's not important.

I feel like I am judged, beyond how God judges me, I feel that I am judged by His people.

I really am tired of people who look down on others because a couple of wrong decisions that they've made. Those who judge are inexperienced and do not understand. They weren't there at the scene of the "crime". The didn't experience the feelings, there is no way for them to comprehend anything, yet they judge. And they think they're better. It's sick.

You try feeling what I feel, and you'd do the exact same thing, I guarantee it.

no tengo palabras

"Now I'm destined to start over, now I'm destined to start a new because I put everything in you, I had everything in you." [stay for a lifetime]

"Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you. Because all that's left is gone away and there's nothing left for you to prove." [look what you've done]

"And the world's got me dizzy again. You think after eighteen years, I'd be used to the spin. But it only gets worse when I stay in one place so I'm always pacing around or walking away. I keep drinking the ink from my pen, and I'm balancing history books up on my head. But it all boils down to one quotable phrase: if you love something, give it away." [landlocked blues]

"For diamonds do appear to be much like broken glass to me. . . I missed your skin when you were east, you clicked your heels and wished for me. . . I know that world's a broken bone, but bend your headaches, call it home." [northern downpour]

"If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep then I'm putting out the lantern find your own way back home." [folkin' around]

"You're floating above my head. There are words carved in my chest, and they said... 'Could somebody show me the kind of affection that you only see in the movies? You know what I mean, you know what I mean.'" [your evil soul]

"I would like to thank you, for showing me a part of myself that I have never seen. Yeah, we were young and dumb, but it still was fun, and I guess these things just tend to fall apart. And I hope you feel the same" [3685]

You ended my story, you ruined my picture, and now I don't know where to go. We were laying in the flowers with the sun on our faces, but now I'm in a permanent winter, and every individual molecule of the ice against stings like a tetanus shot. And the cold is seeping through my skin, injecting itself into my veins, pulsing through my body, and once it reaches my heart, my heart, my heart... I can't even express myself well enough. I have this vision, and I can't put it into words. There's a hole in my chest, and everything that tries to fill me just falls through or is pushed back out. I'm making myself sick. Every chance I get, I am making myself sick. And now I'm finding new vices.

And I love you. And you love me. And I'm sorry that I'm hurting myself. But I don't know what else to do.

hello hydrochloric acid, hello ethanol, hello nicotine. i hate loveyou. you make me die live.

Goodnight and Good Luck

I'm going to play it off as a natural occurence. You're just a tornado, another wreck in the yard, another wreck in my heart. And you, you can just play it off like it's bad luck and badmouth me in the future. I've been through this routine, and I'm the common factor.

I'm so sick of being sick of you, but I'm dying for something new like you

You'll be up late tonight tonight, taking me for granted plastered and worthless.
Another silent moment with your breath upon my neck
means another night together with the boy you'd hate to wreck.
Perfect smiles and perfect hands that fit a perfect way make images that flood my veins.
Just so you know I'll be down and out, like a half hearted romance meant to last.
You'll be up late tonight tonight taking me for granted plastered
and worthless, with the boys that don't know your name.
You're taking me for granted, you're taking me for granted.
Make a wish make a wish lets make this happen.
Re-runs never looked so good.
Perfect smiles and perfect hands that fit a perfect way make images that flood my veins.
Just so you know, I'll be down and out, like a half hearted romance meant to last.
You'll be up late tonight tonight, taking me for granted plastered
and worthless with the boys that don't know your name.
You're taking me for granted, your taking me for granted.
The only thing in focus is the way my heart tends to race, falling the only option left for me to take.
You'll be up late tonight tonight taking me for granted. your taking me for granted.

-Four Letter Lie, You'll Never Find Better

My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, to wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer.

Say Anything

I've got this lump in my throat, and I need to get this pressure off of my chest. Everything about you is making me so sick, so sick. I remember when being with you was like laying down in a bed of flowers with the sun kissing my skin. Everything was warm and beautiful; nothing hurt. I can honestly say that I love you right now because I'm looking out for what's best for you. I'm leaving you alone, giving you space. I'm giving up the sun and putting on a sweater. I'm watching the flowers wither because there'll always be more flowers, right? I'm giving this up so you can have room to live. I'm giving this up so you can have time to do the things that matter to you. Is it terrible of me to want a little bit back? Is it terrible of me to want to see a picture of the sun, to briefly smell the fragrance of the spring flowers? I'm doing this for you, I'm being what you wanted me to be, but I'm coming up short, I'm coming up empty. Can you give back? You'll just say that you're trying, and I want to believe you, but I can't. The first couple of weeks that we were together I told you that I didn't want to picture a time where I would have to be without you, and yes, that is still true. Despite how much you are hurting me, I care for you, I want to be happy with you. But right now, we are a thousands worlds away. Your voice used to be like a thousand beautiful songs all at once, but now you are nothing but a trailing monologue, listless and bored. I'm sorry for doing this to you. I'm sorry for ruining you. It's all I ever do.. destroy people, drive them away. I thought this would be different, but I suppose it's not. Forgive me for being such a failure. Forgive me for being such an incompetent piece of garbage, a whining mosquito in your ear.

Please tell me that I'm wrong, please tell me that we can make this work, please tell me that you care about me, that you love me. Say anything.