An absence of space becomes an excess.

Still and Messy

The hallways are crowded, but empty, as I make my way to my car to see a crowded, but empty parking lot. There are a few distractions along the way, and I light up, my light bulb burning at the dimmest possible level without being completely off, like it usually is. For a second, I open my eyes, I come out of our coma, and I can see a face, I can hear a voice, I can feel a body pressing against mine. And it's not the face I want, but in this moment, I am alive. The light goes off, and I slip back into the sleep. It is a dreamless sleep because if I had dreams, we'd be running. We'd be hand in hand, running away from all of the madness, the hypocrisy, the liars, the back stabbers.. the rejection. We'd have each other, and it would be enough. I know that it's never enough, but this is my dream. This is my dream, and this is our coma. This is our coma because you dug me further into it. We were out of it, both of us, but now we are both back under the imaginary anesthesia. We are out, we are numb, we are borderline dead. No matter how many times you try and excuse yourself from this, you're in it just as much as I am. You held onto something that didn't hold onto you, and you fell out of a window. I fought for something so ferociously, so blindly, that I ended up damaging only myself. We are broken people, you and me. We are broken people. But my light goes on full for you, the bulb exploding, the glass shattering into thousands of pieces, brilliant crystal floating through the electrical current in the air. I want to paint you with my words.

--

What's the point? I'm sure I wouldn't like it very much if I got what I wanted anyway. People are stupid like that sometimes. They like viewing their unaccessible options as objects of perfection. Whatever. I don't think I care that much. I just like to write about it because I haven't been able to write in a long time. The desire is noticeably starting to fade.

I was just a test.
I was just a test.
I was just a test.

But I failed.

I hate being compared to someone else. Maybe I'm not as pretty, not as smart, but I don't know.. pretty is an opinion type of thing. I'm different. I'm not the same. I'll never be the same. And all I want is to be the same... Ugh. How can I be myself when I have no idea who I am?

Hawaii

Dirty hallways, white tile, and stairwells reconstructed to keep bodies upright. I'm moving forward, I'm moving higher in this building, lifting my legs, pushing myself up to the next step, slowly, slowly. If I look up, I'll die because I'll see exactly what I want to see.. not seeing me. And I really won't die anymore than I'm dying already because I'm thinking about it, I see oceans in my head, pulling me under, drowning me. And I never really liked the ocean very much because when I was ten, I got caught on something, and I couldn't resurface. I was inhaling salt and water, burning my lungs, my eyes, my nose. But then I came up, and I got out of the water. I walked to the sand castle that I had attempted to build earlier and although I didn't swear I'd never like the ocean again, I knew. I knew it would never be able to win me over. Oh, but this is Hawaii. This is different. These waters are clear and blue and beautiful. I hate the word beautiful. Because it's what you embody, and what I do not. Maybe in some cases I can be it too, but I think you take it all away from me. Your waves crash over me, they crumble me, leaving me washed up and dirty on the shore. But when you are close to me, I can breathe you. I can breathe in your salt-coated air, and it doesn't burn like it used to burn. It's sweet, and it's not everything, but it's a part of the everything that I want. I guess I'm just out of luck. I miss you.


--

And school is almost over, and I want to sleep straight through the summer, but not really. I want to go to D.C. and the beach and everywhere. I want to do everything. But I want someone to go with me.. that's all. I've learned more about being alone, and I've learned that it's more unsettling than I can take for a whole eight weeks. And alone is a weird word, too. Because I am and am not alone. I don't want a boyfriend. Because most people will interpret this as such, and it's not that.. yeah.

Four more days.

12 Million Questions

Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it's over?
Yes.

Your last kiss probably meant nothing to you, right?
It meant a lot.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
No.

Do you think blondes are stupid, honestly?
Sure.

If your mom worked at Hooters, what would you do?
Laugh

Who are the past 4 people to send you a text?
I'm not looking.

Do you love where you live?
More like I hate it.

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Wishing for sleep.

Last person you were on the phone with for more than 20 minutes?
I can't even remember.

Who was the first person you talked to on the phone when you woke up?
I didn't talk to anyone on the phone today.

Can you get over people easily?
No, I can just pretend that I do, and I do a horrible job at that.

Where did you first kiss the last person you kissed?
His house.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
Yes.

Are you open about your feelings, or closed off?
Both.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
Why not? I never look very different.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Hollister.

Does your ex miss you?
Lol, of course not.

So, what do you want for your birthday?
It's too far away to think about.

If the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing?
I really don't know.

Did you sleep alone last night?
Yes, duh.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?
Does anyone believe that?

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Yeah, it was beautiful, too.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you because of something you didn't do?
Probably.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Nope, I actually hope that I'm not. It'll be the first day of classes at a new place.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
No.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yes.

How was your weekend?
Interesting

Was you last kiss drunk or sober?
Sober, I am always sober.

Who are all of the texts in your phone from?
Different people.

Do you think that you're a good person?
I don't know. I guess I've been bad to a few too many people to say that.

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Yep--Christy and Jenni (:

How do you feel right now?
Blegh, but happy to be resting, I guess.

What did you do yesterday?
Church and gym and more church and taco bell and cookout.

If you could seek revenge on someone would you?
No, not worth it.

Does any part of your body hurt right now?
Yes.

Do you like your best friend's boyfriend/​girlfriend?​
Sure, he makes her happy. And he's a good influence on her. They're both very blessed.

Did the last person who hurt you, ever apologize?
No.

Are you a mean person?
Yeah, lately.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
Of course.

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
No.

Ever been called heartless?
Yeah, I think so.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
Yes.

Interested in anyone at the moment?
I have no idea.

How has this week been?
dkajfkdajkfaakl

Are you currently in a relationship?
No.

Are you happy about this situation?
It's whatever.

Are you 100% over the last person you kissed?
uhsurewhynot

What does your 18th text message say and who's it from?
I'm not looking for my 18th text message.

Have you ever started off on the wrong foot with someone?
Yeah, I always seem really stuck up because I'm not very outwardly emotional.

What was on your mind mostly today?
ughughletsnotthinkaboutthat

Who was the last person you got into a big argument with?
lukeskywalker

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
Yeah, I've only been with one or two people that they've liked, really.

What brings out the worst in you?
Hm "/

What's a fact about the last person who texted you?
He ditched me on Friday.

What all did you eat today?
Cereal, toast, fruit, boca burger, chips, who cares?

What song is currently stuck in your head?
Spent On Rainy Days

When was the last time you got seriously hurt? (physically)
Monday?

What about emotionally?
2 hours ago.

What's something you can't understand?
God.

Are you waiting on something/someone right now?
Sort of.

When meeting new people, are you usually shy?
Yes.

Which is harder, telling someone you love them or that you don't?
No me gusta el palabra <>

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
No, of course not.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Matt Shaftner :)

How late did you stay up last night and why?
12:30, could not sleep.

What will you be doing in 3 hours?
Movie.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yeah, but he's in Virginia :(

Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
I don't remember. Daniel?

Has anyone ever told you they love you?.
Yes.

Do you open up to people easily?
Depends on what we're talking about.

Who do you care about more than yourself?
you.

Who have you dated in 2009?
Luke and Sam.

Your ex calls you and says he wants you back, what do you do?
-

What are you thinking about right now?
Futures.

Do you wish someone was with you right now?
No, I'm good, actually.

What's your status on fb/myspace say currently?.
something about star wars

What's something you would love to have happen right now?
I want to understand and know how to not be.. yeah.

Do you act differently around the person you like?
What person that I like?

Would you prefer a thunderstorm or for it to be snowing?
Thunderstorm.

Do people tend to walk all over you?:
Never.

How many times have you truly been in love?:
Twice.

Have you ever told someone that you loved them and didnt mean it?:
Not really. It might have been some different kind of love, but I never completely didn't love the person.

Have you ever played with someones emotions?:
Yes.

Would you consider yourself a heartless person?
At times.

Do you think relationships are hard?:
Definitely.


Is there someone you'd go to the ends of the Earth for who wouldn't do the same for you?
Probably.

What is your favorite thing to do with your boyfriend/crush?
I don't have a boyfriend/crush.

What is your favorite carnival/fair food?
Fried Snickers. So disgusting, but so good.

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Yeah.

The last person you kissed hates you, why?
Because I'm annoying and disappointing

How many people do you trust?
Zero.

Why did your last relationship end?
Because of me.

Are you happy with your life?
No, I don't think it's good to be happy with life anyway because then you would settle and miss out of opportunities.

If you could go back in time, would you?
Yeah.

Favorite thing to shop for?
Birthday presents (:

How is your life right now?
stupidstupidstupid fine

What are you doing other than this?
Watching Star Wars

What are you doing after this?
Movie

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Daniel

How was your day?
Boring

How was your night?
Emotional

When was the last time you cried?
3ish hours ago

What were you doing an hour ago?

This. Sadly.

How many windows are open on your computer?
3

Who is your last missed call from?
Amanda's mom.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right this second?
Kind of.

How your heart lately?
lol?

Think of the last person who said i love you, do you think they meant it?
No.

Have you ever cried uncontrollably on a friend's shoulder?
No.

What's something you really want right now?
everything


What woke you up this morning?
the sun.


Will you be in a relationship next month?
Nope.

Where was the last place you hugged someone?
Cookout

Would you have a baby with the last person you called?
No.

If your best friend said, I hate you, you say?
Something mean and sarcastic and hurtful

Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
idk, maybe

Do you believe in forever?
what does that even mean?

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I love my eye color.

What are you doing tomorrow?
school and haircut


Do you have a favorite band?
Bright Eyes

Are you dating the person you text most?
No

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them?
Sometimes

Anything you would change about your life right now?
Yes.

Have you ever slept on the couch with someone?
Yeah.

Open Fire

And it started, well, who knows how it started? I walked under florescent lights, threw away money to pass to time, to fight the ghosts trying to get under my skin. Drowning in parking lots, staring at the windshield, wishing that it had me. It wouldn't have mattered as much that way. Hearts wouldn't have been broken, tears wouldn't have stained cheeks and dresses. There is still light in the sky, and I'm choking on the air. Crying is such a weird concept. I sit back and feel it, analyze, and think about how each tear builds in my eye and sprints down my face like it is trying to win the 55m dash. I used to think that tears were slow. But mine are big and heavy, the weight makes them soar. My mascara bleeds and the last sunlight of day warms my car. I've been sitting here for thirty minutes. I could have arms around me, whispering voices in the bathroom if I could only find it in myself to get up and walk back inside. But no one can now how much of a wreck I am. No one can even begin to understand because I don't understand. I hadn't talked to her in over a year, I barely know him, but they both left me in completely different ways like everybody leaves at some point in time. And I just want to leave, but I don't have the guts to leave in any sort of way except for emotionally because I can withdraw my trust in an instant. I want this person that I've become to leave, the addictions that I've developed, the longings that I can't shake. I want my fears to leave, my flaws to leave. I'm sick, I'm sick. I swerved my way home with blurred vision and gasping breaths, hiding my face and stoplights and screaming at Someone that I am doubting exists at this present time, but I know He exists because it feels so normal screaming at Him, but why I am always screaming? Just last night, I was thanking, thanking for what had been prayed over me, but now I have a plan to go home and and.. wow. So I get there, and the red truck is pulling out (thank God), and I rush in and dive into my bed and let the storm pull me in completely. There is rain, there is thunder, but then there is a forced numb that weaves around my body like a cocoon. I will be reborn (calmer). I will be reborn (thinner). I will be reborn (with a purpose). But death is on my mind too much. I'm sorry you worry that I won't be here when you wake up. The truth is, I'm not even strong enough to do that. Death is just a thing that depresses me and soothes me and lives (hah) under my skin. It's not a reality, it's not something that I could intentionally bring about. The day I started taking that medicine, I vowed that I wouldn't let it beat me.. and it won't. I think parts of this soap opera are worth talking about. Maybe I can help someone to see the consequences of a single thought, a starting action. Because that is how this started, it changed everything.

At the end of June if things aren't different, I'm changing how I operate. I want to start now, but I'm only doing it if I have to..


akfskskassleepjsahfdjashfajskstupidakjfasklfjasklfatjadkfajfklabitchasdkfjdakjkflaidiotkadfjksstupidstisajdafatksdfjkadjfaklfatkjdfajfatkjfdkajfa;fat

An idea is really only an idea.

And sometimes you mess up (always), and sometimes you give up (most of the time).

But I'm not quitting this. No matter how hard I have to fight, I'm never going to stop trying. Today was bad, yesterday was bad, but tomorrow WILL be better. If it's not, the next day will most certainly be worse in a completely different way. Mistakes have gone without punishment for far too long.

Today was an 25 day. Tomorrow will be an 14 day. And then all my days will be small. So small.

applecidervinegarandouchandouchandugh.

Tomorrow is war.

Every stupid emotion, every feeling, every moment of weakness.. unacceptable.
Never again.

Life, Sky, Danger

Oh, it's like I'm trying to please a lover, pleasing you. But I can't do it. I try and I try and I fail. When will I ever be able to do it? When will I ever be able to control myself enough for you? You're all I think about, all I talk about, all I dream about, and I promise, I promise that I am going to make things better. It's sad. I'm writing to an idea.

"...But you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love..." (V for Vendetta)



Oh, you were the best idea I ever had, and I'll die for you if I have to. I'd love to die for you. It seems like the best way to go.




--

Not really.

--

I want to move away and meet people and dance with them and paint the sky. I love you, I love you, I LOVE you.

The end.

The Calendar Hung Itself

I am skin, I am skin, I am growing skin, if only I could exist as nothing but skin. I am bones, I am bones, only the bones have lost their home. I'm under what I really am. I'm under all of this. I used to play with paper dolls. I would cut them out, stand them up, and they fit into all of their clothes. If only I could cut myself out, make myself up, make myself something more (less) than what I am now. I'm trying, I'm fighting, I'm living this mess. Everyday, there's no difference. I'm only victim to my own mistakes. I never knew this could be a consequence. I'm hitting myself in the face, clawing the excess away. It's almost like it's not right to be OK. Ugh, it'd be so much easier to get rid of it all, but I'm trying to prove that I'm bigger than this.. and the meaning has turned into a literal thing. I'm bigger than this, than that, than the past, but I'd rather just disappear, turn around and not be here. I'm standing in the middle of my nightmares. I'm standing in the middle of everything that I hate.

I really do have dreams about numbers, girls saying numbers over and over. And I feel shame, such shame. Because my numbers get bigger and bigger. I used to be so much better, but now I'm just the sympathy case. This is all that I was good at. 116 was in my dreams on Saturday. A face I know and want to love telling me what perfection was, and I could never measure up to her 116 perfection, her 116 happiness. And then I have the dreams about cakes, beautiful, beautiful wedding cakes. And I'm never the bride. I just devour the cakes. I eat every last bite and then I feel even more shame. It's a complete loss of control, and my stomach is full, and I can't throw up, no I can't throw up because I'm better than that now and I'm hardly better because half of bulimia is binging and I did, and.. then I wake up.. and I used to wake up to hipbones, but now I wake up to filled spaced and heaviness. Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I feel like I have to apologize to the whole world for my failures. Because even though nothing has anything to do with any of that, I'm always doing something wrong. I'm dating boys and hanging out with others and talking to others and I never know what I want. I want peace, but I want attention. And I'm getting attention, and I'm loving these people, every single one of these people, I give a little part of myself. I am selfish and selfless all at once. Ugh, my weekend. Friday: For some reason when I think of this one person, I think of Luke Skywalker. And I think the ocean. And the moon. And I always see one face and it tells me a million things that it doesn't mean to tell me. And then later that day.. I don't know what I associate with this person. He makes me think of another person that I used to associate with Logan (Wolverine) from X-Men and I was crazy about this person and sometimes I am crazy about this person. He makes me laugh, and he's leaving for a long time, so there's no pressure anywhere but there's so much pressure because I'm me and I make things into what they're not. And Saturday: work, work, death, death, and then I met him. And I was more myself than I've been in a long time. I had long conversations, I thought about things, I took the time to think about questions and ideas and it was so comfortable. And there were trust tests and he tried to figure me out. It's too bad that I'll never trust anyone. I almost trusted him, but he broke that bridge so terribly and recklessly. And it's sad. I hardly even know what I'm talking about. But I want to trust someone.. someday. And I want them to trust me. Because I am a loyal person. No matter what anyone says, I am a loyal person. And this whole blog has been about nothing. And oh well. I want to give myself to something greater than this. I want to give myself away completely.


Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with hands
stretched towards the calendar hanging itself
but I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who've left there's a few that stayed.
And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

There's a book on floor, not far from the shelf. It was thrown off due to madness. Upon bending back the cover and breaking the spine, the contents was found to be all too familiar. Pages, pages of monotony, pages of pleasure that sadness brings. Pages, of two, one, two, one. And it all ended with you, the final chapter. The girl wears a mask to disguise what she really feels. Fake words and jousts for the public, blank stares and silence for you. See through the sea-colored class. See through the fog figurative hallucinogens have brought about. The edges of the pages are blood red from paper cuts. The words are blurry because they were left out in the rain. Your chapter was open, your mouth stays closed, and I'm thinking these pages were all such a waste. She killed trees for you, dreamed dreams for you, put up with sleeping with you. And now it's all been put to rest. Getting what you want isn't all that fun. You were only a plan that got out of hand. It started that night you brushed by. Picture, conversation, idea, and then the rest. Put to rest. Forever and ever. Amen.

Sensitivity and Madness

There's a line down the middle, and I'm hopping the fence. And you're straddling it. But not really. I'm on the other side, running in circles, screaming, "Catch me," but I'm an undesirable, so my screaming is in vain, my running is in vain. My legs are aching, my head is spinning, my heart is beating and beating. And I can't stop this. The wind is a knife, cutting into my lungs as I cry for you, for me, for you, for me. But you are deaf to me. Five miles away, they hear me, yet you are deaf to me. Your eyes freeze over, winter steals my ocean. Once lost at sea, I am just lost. Incredibly, eternally, unbearably lost. I play the sun so I can melt you, but your cool is never compromised. You rest along the axis of rotation, you never even have to try. But I bend over backwards to get to you, I play with angles and mirrors. But your location is unreachable. We're on the same playing field, yet nowhere near.

--

one.

three.

seven.

--

two

zero

--

.

eight

--

two

--

one

zero

seven

--

zero

zero

zero

zero

zero



Why can't I be free?

Simply, Amazingly, Monotonously

Catch and release,
you'll never have all of me.
Maybe my focus on a bad day,
part of my heart when you're away,
but I only want you when you're gone.
And that'll fade before long.



----

Match sticks don't break hearts, they burn them, and I guess that's what we're aiming for. So match stick it will be. You had your dream once, it'll come again if you give up everything you have. It's not like you have much left. So give up, already. Give in. You're not dancing with the devil, only with the flames. And the heat will make you dizzy, forgetting your body, forgetting your needs. And ironically, that is all that you'll ever need. So live. Live the match stick life. And win.

Same setting, different scene.

You're not there, and I don't mind. I'm flourishing in this independence

Senseless, Aimless, Missing

I had you every night,
even with the pathetic goodbyes.
I danced through your dreams,
you stole all of mine.
It was always, always,
but never time.
Shaking, you push me against the wall.
You want too little, I want it all.
I hardly care of the consequence.
Know that I planned all of this..
except for the falling,
the needing, the calling,
the longing, the longing,
your face in the hallway.
Your eyes are as big as the moon,
I can't stand to be in the same room
because they pull, they tug,
they kiss, they hug,
and you, you're so done.
I'm not.

I want to move far, far away
so never again will I have to see your face
because without it, I'm OK.

But on those days,
bright eyes displayed,
my sunny skies turn gray.

Not OK, not OK, not OK.

OCD, ADD, logic at bay.
Legs shaking, heart beating,
won't you stay?

Oh,
not
oh-
kay.

Bright lights and white parking lines
are the best things to define
this mess that I have made mine,
all mine.



Kiss my ear,
kiss my hair,
kiss my lips.
Be there.
Please, be there.


--

I'm tired of being analytical and screwed and whatever. Just whatever. Drown me in Bright Eyes, please. I want to drive for hours and starve for years. I'm over dramatic, and I don't care.

I'm seeing scales and numbers and letters and changes.

And my heart hurts. For you.

I'm in love (lust) with you today,
in love (lust) with you today,
in love (lust) with you today.

The shape of your eyes...


ugh.


And the white fades near the end of the day when it seems that I have dreamt in vain. And my dreams always seem to be unusually clean. The white and the light and the absence. Although it may seem

You made a plan to love me
with more than you had left.
All your dreams died down
when you took me off the shelf.


I'm the basketball in the Bright Eyes song. I'm the poem on the page. I'm in a storm. But it had been getting sunnier, so I guess the rain was needed. Monday night was a blessing, and I'm glad for Monday night. I forgive, and I don't even need to forgive. I just forgive. And I know I've done so much more that's wrong, but we'll get past it, weed through it. The feeling is nice. I was on a forgiveness high until I got home and ate cereal. The cereal killed it. Food kills highs because it brings lows, growing lows. But oh well.

Today I coasted. I wasn't alive or awake. I just coasted. And I laughed at stupid things, and I had to try. I had to try so hard. But it was OK because I was getting by. And then I hear words and words and ideas and rage seeps in like a poison. And I'm alive. I have reasons. So I fed of the anger and it kept me going until the end of the day and then I heard more words, words to my face, words with no authenticity, words with no backbone.. but I believed them with my whole heart. And the rage turned to sadness and it poured through my eyes. And it was a big sadness, an isolation sadness. But at the same time, I wanted to be with everyone and say everything all at once. But then I went walking, and I thought about how I was alone and how much I liked it. I don't know. I need to chill out.

I'm stopping meds tonight. I can't do it anymore.

number one.

Forgive me for needing. Forgive me for using. Forgive me.

number two.

Forgive me for not loving you. Forgive me for lying about it.

number three.

Forgive me for selfishness, self-centeredness. Forgive me for making you part of this problem.

number four.

Forgive me for not letting go.

number five.

Forgive me for hating you for things you can't change.

number six.

Forgive me for wasting your time.

number eight.

Forgive me for failing you. Forgive me for gluttony.




Oh, forgive me.
Please/

Bend Your Headaches, Call It Home

I don't know how to be descriptive, expressive, creative, but oh well.

I am the biggest fake I know. And I have so many things that I want to say, and I know that they're wrong, exaggerated, and crazy.. but they sound so right to me. And you can't shake what's right in your head, right in your heart. From the outside looking in, it's simple. I'm wrong. But I'm right, I'm so right.

I don't want to be angry. I'd rather be sad. But I can't feel anything that even comes close to resembling either one of those emotions. There's just this frustration, this denial, this longing. It's maddening. And it's stupid.

When I choose to forget, I can forget everything and become completely numb. So simply forgetting unpleasant experiences is like dying. Everyone always says that you have to take what you're dealt with and use it to grow, but I'm sick of moving forward when I can run backwards at such a rapid pace. One step forward, a million steps back.

I don't know if this depression comes from the meds or if it's just me. When I first started taking them, I knew that there were supposed to be serious side effects, but I didn't think that it could be true. The way I saw it, I was less susceptible to that particular side effect because I had been down that road already. I had overcome. But this is manifesting itself in so many different ways that it's ridiculous. I don't know what to make of it, but I'm feeling so comatose, staring at the TV, laying on the couch, looking up stories of what this stupid medicine has done to so many people. And then feeling it, feeling it all. I mean, I've always been darker than most, I've always been more negative than most, but since the beginning of 2009 (when I started taking the pills), it's been noticeably worse. I wrote about things, saw things, experienced things, overcame a big, nasty type of sickness, I lived. And 2009 has been purposeless. My life feels void of meaning, and I don't use people (guys in particular) to fill me, but to distract me from what I really feel like.

And I'm rambling and rambling, but oh well. That's what this is for.

I work 14.5 hours this week and that's pretty exciting. I'll be doing something that means something. I just hope that I'm not too drained to function.. like on Saturday. I was excited for the extra two hours, but when they came around and I had taken my break 5 hours before.. I was a zombie. And I don't think that people want to buy chicken from a zombie. I wouldn't. I would look at the zombie and move on to the next register.. or just leave. Because I'm a rude zombie, I think. I have a "beast mode" (sorry for stealing that phrase), too. It's very obvious. I think that I just get more honest, more black and white. I don't know. I remember Revolution, sitting in the circle, and hearing everyone say what they thought was the best about me. And every single person said I was very honest. But when does honesty turn into a bad thing? I know it does at some point, but where? Ugh. I just turned a good paragraph into a bad paragraph, but oh well.

Near Future:
May 6th (this Wednesday!!)- Calculus ends (mostly). I'm nervous about the exam, but oh well. It's just four hours of my time. And I've studied some. Not nearly enough, but the side of my bed that I don't sleep on is drowning in papers right now, and I made flashcards and yeah. I never do that. I also get paid. I hope I get at least 60 or 70. I need moneyyy. I'm going to have to get by with $5 until then.

May 9th- Fundraiser and my 8 hour work day. I wish I could help more. I have a lot of cookies to make. I wish I was more excited about this because it has purpose.

May 13th- Quitting the meds to see if it changes anything. I have a doctor's appointment on this day, so we'll see what she says about the side effects and such..

And I can't really think much further. Graduation is in 40 days. Yeah.