My secret now,
Mine and mine alone.

No need for speaking,
for standing,
for breathing.

It's my secret,
our secret.

My burden,
our burden.

And I'm suffering to rid myself of it

every
single
day.

The word friendship has lost all definition.
How can so many lies be told all at once?

stupidundesirableinsignificantcastoffignorantderelictempty.

Yeah, I've hid it long enough.
(Not well, but it's been in there. Tears fall, but there's a never ending supply.)
I've prayed long enough.

I have had quite enough. Thank you.
Goodbye.

I can't. I really can't. It's not possible. It's not possible.

This has gotten physical.

Goodnight, Goodnight

Well it's time to wake up,
and separate feelings
that I keep falling into.
Each seem like good reasons
that I feel a break down.
I don't care if it shows up.
I'm praying this for you,
'til it's answered I'll say...

Now it seems there's a choice
that began with a break.
So today,
know that never again
will I know you that way.

Well it's time to wake up,
and separate feelings
that I keep falling into.
Each seem like good reasons
I'm gonna break down.
I don't care if it shows up.
I'm praying this for you,
'til it's answered I'll say...

...am I alone in here?




The end, the end, the end. I love you too much to hurt you anymore. Yeah, whatever makes you happy..

Words

"So, you live your whole life like that? With those pains in your chest and that sickness in your stomach? It never goes away? You can't get your mind off of it for even two seconds? How do you live? How are you breathing?"

--

"I'm not completely interested in being that involved. I mean, seriously, I'm not at all interested."

--

"You've become a desperate, pathetic person. This isn't you, and it has to stop now. It has to stop or I'm taking things away. You should just be happy or something. What's wrong with you? You're taking too many chemicals for my taste. I'm cutting you off. This is over."

--

[silence.]

--

[silence.]

--

[silence.]

--



I love you.
Hold me...
I don't need you, no.
I just,
I just can't take it.
I need you to leave.

Stealing the Manuscript to Edit the Final Scene

Daddy, I'm sorry, I stole it again. Take this back. Take this back. Please, take it back. It'll never be how it's supposed to if I keep stealing it, but it's hard to control myself.. especially now, after I've been on this track for so long. It was a gift, a blessing that you made for me. But it ran it's course. And now I keep trying to steal it away, like it's my right. Please, take this back. Suck my heart dry if you have to. This is a great warmth that turns into a stab wound after moments of isolation. I want a warmth that fades and appears, each time appearing brighter. I want what you want. But most of all, I want us. I can't live without you, Daddy, and I know it puts distance on our relationship when I take what is not mine. I focus on these stolen things, obsess our them. Please, take them from me, and give them back to me if it is Your will. I don't want to steal them anymore. Give me self-control if this becomes a further issue. Fill me with You.. it is enough. It is more than enough. I don't want to be hurt again so soon. I know this is selfish, and forgive me.. it's just so hard. I know that it has to be. And I know that by stealing, I am only making it harder. There are no wrong ideas. Hah, I'm so beyond those words. I'm so beyond that girl who didn't want to leave, that girl who wanted that scent on her skin, that warmth surrounding her.. yet at the same time, I will always be her. Or will I? I am so confused about all of this, Daddy. Please take it away. Take it away and put it where it's supposed to be. Lay it to rest or give it new life. Most of the time, I see it as something that will have new life, new life where we stand in the center of it, new life where You direct every decision. But, perhaps not. I feel so on edge. If it is not with him, it is with no one.

Today was a good day.

I felt incredibly upbeat all day except for a brief moment in Anatomy where I chose to derive my self-worth from the actions of others... never a good idea.

Perspectives.

Ah.

Life is so complicated. Sometimes I just want to sulk and cry and dwell on it, but I can't. It's only when I want to be over it that I end up breaking down. And it's usually in the middle of calm shore when the waves hit me the hardest.

It's hard to look at everything with the right perspective.

Please, get out.
Please, get out.
Please, get out.

You'll burn a hole through my chest.

Please, get out.
Please, get out.

The tears soak through my dress.

Please,
get
out.

I can't live with your weight on my shoulders, your chains around my neck.
Your memory haunts my bedroom, and every other place.
The drives in my car

It's so easy to fall into the motions of living while not really living at all. It's so simple to take steps forward and see yourself moving advancing while simultaneously falling. Every single day, every single hour, every single minute, second, nanosecond, it's on my mind. I pray and I pray to erase what I've done, but life's about moving forward, not going back. So I have to feel every hit with intensified sensitivity and sit in silence while salt is being poured into the wound. These moments of stillness are beginning to kill me, while I learn that this is what I have to expect. Even if I received a gift, it would be empty. Patience, patience. It's barely been fifteen days. Yes, I'm keeping track. I'm measuring the pain and the increments in which it goes away. Some days I'll be fine, absolutely numb, but when I'm alone in my car, the windshield feels the wind from my lungs. I've never felt this way before. I've never felt this way before. Every glance that I get from anyone other than the one means nothing to me. Please, get out. Please, get out. Please, get out.

A Walk Through Hell

And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating
in the dark.
And if was blessed
I walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest.
'Cause they chose you
As the model
For their empty little dreams.
With your new head
And your legs spread
Like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in.

And if I was brave
I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain
Spouting lies.
And I'd slay
The horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission
To your eyes,
And I'd stand there
Like a soldier
With my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread
And my arms out
In my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me
I'd remind you
Who you are...
Under their shell..

I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you

And if they sent a whirlwind,
I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake,
I'd calm it,
And I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you
In my weak arms like a first born.

I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you (through hell for you)

(through hell for you) without you
Without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)

Now, I've walked through hell for you,
What's an adventurer to do
But rest these feet at home with you

----

My Father who is brave
Will climb up to me on the mountain.
They led me to drink from their fountain
Spouting lies.
And He'll slay
The horrible beast they commissioned
To steer Him away from His mission
To my eyes,
And He'll stand there
Like a soldier
With His foot upon his chest.
With His grin spread
And His arms out
In His bloodstained Sunday's best,
And He'll hold me
He'll remind me
Who I am...
Under their shell..

This is beyond me.
It's so beyond me.

And everything is going to be OK,
everything is going to be fine,
more than fine.


Some people worry more than they should when it really isn't their place to worry at all. One person in particular. And (s)he knows who (s)he is, or (s)he should know, anyways. But, I am free, you are free. This is over. Pain is necessary (for me, at least). I will never grow or learn if I don't suffer. I'm excited about this situation and seeing how it ends. I might look like the queen of gloom on occasion, but I'm ready to LIVE, really LIIIIVE! I just get distracted sometimes by boys and memories and possible deals. But they will never help me. Never. I'm taking one step at a time. I'm crying out to He who hears me.

And everything is going to be fine.

One Week

Psalm 13

"O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me."


Romans 5:5

"And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."



Focuses have been shifted, but when Lot's wife took one look back at her old home, she turned into a pillar of salt. I know that God has a much bigger purpose for me than that--one that requires complete devotion to Him without distractions, without giving up. He loves me, and He wants what's best for me. And if I ask Him, He will take me there. It'll be a slow, difficult journey, but it's worth it.

Proverbs 23:18

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."



--


"So long, I'll see you in a month or two.
Don't write to me, I won't write about you,
and put it in a song, veiled in pretty words and chords.
Hey, how are you?
It was great, and I miss the nights.
Don't forget to turn the TV off--
If you think you're wrong, then you might be right
about yesterday and the summer that you lost.
But keep on smiling because this is what you wanted.
I'm not sure if you remember me,
but if you do then you might see
this is the end, this is the end."
--Backseat Goodbye

"Cause you and I both loved
what you and I spoke of
and others just read of
and if you could see me now,
well, then I'm almost finally out of--
I'm finally out of,
finally,
well, I'm almost finally, finally--
well, I'm free.
Oh, I'm free."
--Jason Mraz

My fingertips constantly trace the wind, thirsty for the feeling of his skin. They are contemplating, planning the perfect time--he drops his hand, I drop I mine. And they collide. Goosebumps rise on my skin, and for a brief moment I forget about the pain in my chest, the hole in my world. Breathing him in is enough to give me false hope. The scent of his skin is enough to act as a lie. I'm sorry for my selfishness, but friendship will not exist in a world where I am constantly reminded of the things that I do not and cannot have. I will never hate him, I will never not love him. I just have to remember who Amanda is by herself before I can live in a world with someone that used to be her other half.