I am exhausted.

That's really all I have to say.

I have piles of homework that I'm too careless to do. I have a job that I work hard at, but I'm not respected enough to make the job worth having. I need to look for new jobs. Senior paper is due on Monday. Senior project is due soon after. I'll make college decisions soon--I need to work on scholarship applications. I need to speak Spanish more because I want to learn. I want to be fluent. Two days of being forced to speak in all Spanish in class made me want this. I wanted it before, but bookwork made me forget..

My relationships are failing because I'm too tired to care. I care, I just don't. I'm sorry...

Person A: I take you for granted. I get impatient and annoyed. You are my best friend, but you don't get the respect you deserve. I'm sorry. You know me, and you excuse my shortcomings too often--maybe you shouldn't cut me so much slack. I'm thankful for it, but I'm putting so much on you and it's not fair. Find a better best friend.

Person B: I can't stand our friendship. It's maddening. I want to be your friend, and you say you want to be mine, but it's like you don't care enough to put any sort of effort into it and then when you finally do decide to put something into it, I'm too bitter to notice. I can't stand how everyone thinks that you're so much better than everyone else

Hello,
it seems like I'm ruining you.
It breaks my heart to feel your eagerness
as I breathe, "I don't care."
I hope you know,
well, I hope you don't,
just realize that this cheapens you--
We were so different.
What now?

It was my idea,
it's always my idea.
I am the poison in your veins.
But taking away the danger
is much like taking candy from a stranger--
my chest tightens, I can't breathe.
Can't you see?
We weren't meant for this.
What now?

Hosea 2:14-15

(NLV)
"But then I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there."

(The Message)
"And now, here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to start all over again.
I'm taking her back out into the wilderness
where we had our first date, and I'll court her.
I'll give her bouquets of roses.
I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She'll respond like she did as a young girl."

(Amplified Bible)
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.
There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there."



This weekend, I died. Or perhaps, I was already dead. I just didn't know it. But death becomes quite evident when surrounded by mass amounts of life. There was a stir in my heart, an unaccepted catalyst, which stone chose not to react to.. but it was still there. Amidst the apathy, it was still there. I'm so thirsty, so needy, so completely broken. There were words whispered that I did not understand, screams that I did not understand, yet they brought the bigness wave of sadness I have ever experienced, a sadness too heavy to produce tears or public emotion, a sadness so deep that it was unable to be expressed. But there was still peace, a peace that truly surpasses human understanding because I no idea how I could have felt any such thing among the sadness which held my heart.

The desert, the wilderness: it is my sadness. And He is speaking to my heart in some way, although I can barely tell. I guess He's in the process of transforming my valley of troubling into a door of hope because right now, right at this very moment, it hurts so much. I can't even complete my thoughts.