Downward Spiral

Tedium is the worst pain, so here I am, throwing things out of wack! The destroyer, he speaks to me: "Be, be, be!" but then he laughs because I can't. He feeds me temptation once every 5 minutes, force feeds me, mind you. I don't get a choice anymore. Desire is the only thing left.

That's all dumb, so dumb, but it doesn't really matter. It's just like my footsteps on the pavement, my car door slamming shut, my hot tears, my ruined makeup. Meaningless, I say. Meaningless.

It's times like these when I wish I had no heart to have broken because now I'm overexposed and-- what do I do? I stand across from you, away from familiarity, and I just can't handle this. Tension fills the room, and I feel ugly inside my skin. Do you feel ugly too? Do you know what you're saying? Is all of you there? When did you go away? And when did you become so, so, so... ugh. When I become so, so, so... stupid? Is it right for me to break from these walls which enclose my secrets, my grudges? Because you dented me, you cracked me! I am damaged goods, damaged property! So what? So what if I've seen a little bit too much of the world? So freaking what!? Have you forgotten about his forgiveness?

I say too much.

But not enough.









I gave up today.



Dashboard Confessional.

What you've found sure upsets you
Never saw it coming did you?
Its easy to be surprised with both your eyes sewn closed
Handled with great precision, another thoughtless execution
You're the subject of this exhibition
A willing cadaver, a willing cadaver.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.

These cuts are leaving creases
Trace the scars, fit the pieces
Tell your story, you don't need to say a word.
Call off the cavalry, can't save a wretch like me.
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to stand and fight
There's something better wrong with you

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to fire right
There's something better wrong with you

Your pulse is anemic, you're tired of the fire
You're bruising too easy and falling behind
And no one is waiting for you.
And no one is waiting for you.
And no one is waiting for you.

Call off your quarantine, can't save the rest from me
Clean this with kerosene.
If you can't leave it be might as well make it bleed.
Scalpel, Sutured.
Made whole again.

Your wires are frayed, can't fire right
You look better when out of sight
You were not made to stand and fight
There's something better wrong with you

--

Bright Eyes.

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
The sunrise and the sunsets.
You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
The sunrise and the sunsets
You realize then you forget what you've been trying to retain.
But everybody knows that it is all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
She raised her hands in the air, asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
Cause you've changed.
Yeah, you've changed.
Sunrises, sunsets.
You're hopeful then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there's a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're manic or you're depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she'd stay?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're either coming or you just left but you're always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It's a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There is no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won't know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it's true, the trick is complete.
Become everything you said you never would be.
You're a fool! You're a fool!
Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset, sunrises, sunsets.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
and put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?

--

crashcrashcrashburncrash.

Imagine Pageant

I'm going to write a letter to you..
And then you will die.

Haligh, haligh, haligh for you.
[I don't want you to die.]

Mia, please don't intervene. No matter how many times I say I'm done with strength... I don't want people to be disappointed in me, you know? You're all about the approval of others. Isn't this how we got started? You were an Ana, but then you changed your name, you changed your game-- becoming Mia kept you alive [in me]. I swear, I thought you were dead [in me], but I crave to dance with you again. Bring bones back to me, bring bones back to me.

Just when you think you have everything you need, you throw it away for an addiction. That's how life goes, it works in circles-- become, collapse, become collapse, become....

crash.

And the circle loses any sort of velocity.

God, I know that you've saved me, but my heart won't let you be bigger than this (destroy my heart, destroy my heart, please)-- it's not about beauty, it's a loss of control. Control me, control me. Loosen the reigns of anything else.

The right way is never putting in what you don't want to take out.

Stupid, stupid me.

It's too late.

I take and I take and I take and I.. [can you stop, please?]

And home means routine.

1. Go inside
2. Stare at shelves
3. Take
4. Take
5. Take
6. [pause.]
7. Take
8. Want to die
9. Cry
10. Become irritable
11. Yell at people
12. Take out or want to die more
13. Continue to want to die

sdjfjaskjaskfjkasjfkasjfksajkfsjklaklajjfafaksfjakfjsal (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I'm happy except for this one part of me that takes over my whole soul in times like RIGHT NOW, but I can't tell you because you need to be happy and I CAN'T be the one to keep you from it. Please be happy and say I'm fine, always fine, OK? I didn't want to fake smiles for you, but I don't smile very much and and and you like when I do and and and here, here you go. They've all been real so far, so this is just a warning-- until 10% of me disappears, I will NOT be happy. But I will, I will.. I keep contradicting myself, but you've got a hold over me that I can't describe or control or replace.

Stupid 10% of me.......

Bone

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal:
To gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom nor dad,
But me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try,
Don't you see it in my eyes?

I don't get how my head works. Or my heart. Sometimes, I don't know which is which.

You're in it, you're in it. I fall asleep with you, but my dreams are discomforting. When I see your face I smile, but all I see on you is the smile I saw in my dreams-- for her, not for me. You love me, you accept me, and it hurts sometimes to have so much so far in advance because most things have a limit. The limit as variable la approaches forever is... high school? UGH. I should be accepting, I should let things fall into place, but you're too much. Five words cross my mind for the wrong reasons. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I feel completely vulnerable and (happy?), and I've before felt what I feel know. It scares me, it scares me, and I'm the type to cop out of scary experiences. Five words, five words-- so commonly said, but they could change my forever in a way that I don't want it to be changed. I can't let it be changed. I can't say these words, let weakness overtake a unit that is yet to be formed. Lines dance through my head, but I can't make them clear for you. Pictures fade into a snowy screen. Tedium remains the worst pain, although stillness is desired.

I want to get through Tuesday-- it determines the rest of my month, and I hate it for that. Come November, I will be free.