Rain

Hi.

It feels weird talking to you because we don't really talk that often anymore, and I never know what to say, but hi. I missed you. I still miss you, sort of. I mean, you're always with me and everything, even if I never acknowledge you or think about you, you're there all the time, and even though I'm talking to you RIGHT NOW, it's like, wow, where are you? It makes no sense at all. I feel like I'm in this big glass box, like I could talk and talk and talk forever, and you wouldn't talk back or hear me or see me. I know that you're kind, I know that you love me, but can you see me? Can you feel me? Can you touch me? Please? I'm dying in here, all by myself, running around in big manic circles in this big stupid box that I made out of lies and secret sins. Part of me wants to say, "How dare you for leaving me this way!" but I know that it is all my doing. I have all of those stupid black marks on my heart, and I secretly think that they're gorgeous. The thought of getting rid of them and having the clean, pure beautiful heart that you intended for me to have is scary and I can't even imagine living without my gorgeous marks of evil that have been my best friends for so long.

Wow. I just need you to hold me. I know that I've been lazy and bad and stupid, but can we just put stuff on pause for a second? I forgot what it feels like to be held by you. I see certain people and go certain places and I get this longing. It has become so foreign and lost that I can't even put a name or label on it, but when I go home and put my walls away, I know it's you. All of the things that I fill myself with are nothing without you. All of my extensive plans and fits of careful organization are sickening without the meaning that you once instilled in my life.

Whatever happened to that meaning, man? What is it? Where did I put it? How did I go wrong? I wanted something tangible, so I dove headfirst back into the world and then the tangible vessel which I desired moved back a couple of steps, and I was right back in the ground where I started. I remember being in my room, on my couch, with my face pressed against the cushions, crying and crying with a pair of scissors in my hand. That was me needing you. You knew, you know. Today, I'm crying in the bathroom, and you know. I need you. I don't just want you, I don't just crave you. I NEED YOU more than anything, more than life itself.

I'm so sick now, with my thoughts racing back and forth. I think about my mom, I think about my next meal, I think about my guilt, I think about that next meal going to waste, I think about my friends, I think about the monster that is growing inside of my head and my heart, speaking lies to me constantly, "You need this, you need me. This is amazing, this is better than anything that you have ever known..." "No, never! I never needed you, I never needed this. I need my best friend back, I need his presence to cover me and make me into something meaningful. I need his grace like rain."

Oh, how true it is. I am lost, I am in agony. I am mourning the death of myself.

Please come back and save me. Please show me what I need to do. Please make me willing, make me ready to move forward. I want so many things. I want to be free from this, I want to be well again, I want to live. But let your will be done. Whatever it is, man. Let your will be done.