Our Storm

I'll talk to you here, although you'll never see this. I'll tell you things here that I cannot and will not tell you otherwise.

We've been through a lot, but I've been on my own lately. I guess that's part of growing up, but you know how you have the urge to call G all of the time and talk to her? I don't think that I'll ever have that with you. I know that I'll probably end up missing you eventually, but things are just so dark with us right now. We get close enough for me to want more, but then you withdraw completely. It makes me feel so stupid... like you don't want me. But at the same time, you want me to believe everything that you believe. When I begin to have my own views and my own ideas, you reject them completely. How can I ever grow if you condemn my growth? How can I ever leave this desert if you are keeping locked in? Sure it was a beach once, and it was fun, but the water has dried up and it's nothing more than sand and hot air. Can't you see it? I really don't get how you don't see it. I don't get how you sit in the front row every Sunday and pray for strangers when you don't even acknowledge your own family. You want me to be successful because you get a kick out of it. That's it, that's all, that's the only thing that I can do for you. I'm not allowed to be flawed. Whenever I ask you about things, you scream that you can't be around my failure, my doubts. You don't want to be exposed to it. But you had me. You had me. You can't just have me and tell me that you love me everyday and then leave me to deal with this all by myself. You don't even know the extent of it anymore. I can't tell you because you won't get it. You won't take it. You'll just explode and kill me or something. I don't even know. You'll tell him. He'll blame me for more things. He'll cry about how much I hate him and blah blah blah. That fight yesterday was so bad and it was all my fault. I am destroying the unity that God intended for you to have with him, but... I don't know. I'm sorry. He just hates me. He always has. Remember that time he slapped me? It was because he knew I was right and he was mad. He's always liked the others more. He's always had more problems with me. It's hard sometimes. I sat in the back and looked at the four of you today and you all looked so perfect, so unified. Whenever I'm there, I just mess things up. As soon I met up with you, there was an argument. I told you that people didn't see me and you screamed that they did, but how could you know when you don't even see me? Maybe I do try to make myself invisible, but shouldn't you at least try? I know I build up walls, but can you climb for me? I can build them, but I can't break them. I don't even really want to build them anymore, but I've got this huge burning secret inside and I can't control it and it's pulling me to build more and more and more. And the bricks are heavy and they're pushing me further and further and further down. You say that I've looked "sulky" lately, but it's more than that. I can't breathe anymore! I just want to die sometimes because it would make things so much easier for you and everyone else. You wouldn't have to deal with my "demands" or my "episodes." Your throat wouldn't ever hurt anymore because you wouldn't have anyone to scream at. There wouldn't be any fights because I start all of the fights. And you could spend more time on the others. You could give them more of what they need. You would have more resources. I prayed so hard yesterday, that God would just knock me out somewhere before you came and found me where I was hiding. I'm tired of dealing with this and knowing that everything is my fault. Everything is my fault...