If I wanted to make a list of the things that make me feel whole, I couldn't.
I'm not sad, I'm just down.

I can't see the big picture.

You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton
No more sleepwalking dead"
You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget
As you try to find some source of light
Try to name one thing you like
You used to have such a longer list
And light, you never had to look for it
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
--Bright Eyes

Sharpened Nails Seem Softer

You're breaking my heart...

Never have I meant those words in the way that I mean them now.

I need to get away. I can't see clearly here. You put a thick fog on reality. Before, it was all in my head, and now it's in front of my face. I'm living on the verge of tears for you, and you won't even see it.

I want to be sick.

This is why I build my walls. All of my life I've loved you and now you're dying. Can't anyone else see?

Imagine a pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the filth

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

You're singing it too.

1 Chronicles 29:13-15

"O our God, we thank you and praise your glorious name! But who am I, and who are my people, that we could give anything to you? Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us! We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace."


It's funny how tasks that seem so impossible are really the simplest tasks of them all. Just a few words take all strength to say. Is saying, "I'm sorry," a miracle in your eyes?

Do It Alone

I don't want to lie to you, but I have to because it's the only way that we can be OK. So maybe I'm not OK, but that doesn't really matter. Has anyone ever really cared? Even if they have, they shouldn't have. I don't need to be cared about when there are so many people in the world whose suffering is so abundant that I can hardly begin to imagine the depths of it. That's what you think, right? Every time I begin to confide in you, you back away from my emotional attachment and tell me tales of the greatest hardships. I'm not physically bruised and my past isn't that dark. Grandma died and then Dad's heart broke, so I got a boyfriend because I needed a "man" in my life that wasn't completely blinded by sorrow. But then it turned out that I wasn't ready to move as quickly as this relationship required, so then the self harm started. It began as a tool of manipulation, but then it became real to me. I began to hide it. When I was at my weakest, the pain made me forget. The bleeding was my way of crying when crying felt foolish. Crying still feels foolish sometimes. I eventually let you find out.. sort of. When I was called into the guidance counselor's office that day with no way to hide the affliction, I knew that it was going to happen. Still, it felt like a blow to the head when she put you on the phone. I don't even remember what happened after that, but the road was rocky and scary. I didn't like you, or anything really, expect for instant satisfaction, self-afflicted wounds and lust. I liked to showcase the curves that I didn't care about. I liked to be dramatic and needy and "too much." Life got better eventually. I went to see Susan and I went to church and then God spoke to me. I gave my life to him, my problems to him, my negativity to him, and I was SO HAPPY. But then the happiness became routine. Complacency set in, and I didn't remember how to feel. So I grabbed hold of the world, I grabbed hold of a boy, and I came tumbling down. I was on my couch crying with the scissors, every single day. Everything was meaningless because I stepped off of the path to the high places and began to venture back to the valley of humiliation. Eventually, I gave up the scissors and found a new way to take up time. I could make it as complicated or as simple as I wanted to, and it seemed to make people like me. It was perfect, it was my best friend. And then 35 pounds later, I was hungry and out of control. I humbled myself before God the summer before my sophomore year and things were beginning to look bright again. I felt so purified and new and open. But then I let myself trip back into the world with another guy, a guy that lied to steal my time, and I forgot about God. All I knew was a lie. Love was a lie because "love" called me stupid, cursed at me, spat on me, and made my sorrows run like rain through my eyes. But it was "love" and "love" means sacrifice, so I sacrificed, but I gave up the wrong thing. I gave up on God, my sustainer, my healer. And my old best friend came back in an even worse form that continues to haunt me. But I know that only God can save me. You know that only God can save me. Yet you throw me into a dry place where thousands of people drink mirages. Please, let me find my own way..

Habakkuk 3:19

"'But it is so happy to love,' said the Shepherd quietly. 'It is happy to love even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant.'

Much-Afraid thought suddenly that he had the most patient eyes that she had ever seen. At the same time there was something in them that hurt her to the heart, though she could not have said why, but she still shrank back in fear and said (bringing the words out very quietly because somehow she was ashamed to say them), 'I would never dare love unless I were sure of being loved in return. If I let you plant the seed of Love in my heart will you give me the promise that I shall be loved in return? I couldn't bear it otherwise.'

The smile he turned on her them was the gentlest and kindest she had ever seen, yet once again, and for the same indefinable reason as before, it cut her to the quick. 'Yes,' he said, without hesitation, 'I promise you, Much-Afraid, that when the plant of Love is ready to bloom in your heart and when you are ready to change your name, then you will be loved in return.'

A thrill of joy went through her from head to foot. It seemed too wonderful to be believed, but the Shepherd himself was making the promise, and of one thing she was quite sure. He could not lie. 'Please plant Love in my heart now,' she said faintly. Poor little soul, she was still Much-Afraid even when promised the greatest thing in the world.

The Shepherd put his hand in his bosom, drew something forth, and laid it in the palm of his hand. Then he held his hand out toward Much-Afraid. 'Here is the seed of Love,' he said. It was true, just as he had said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was the stronger. She thought of the Shepherd's words, 'It is so happy to love,' and her pale, sallow cheeks suddenly glowed pink and her eyes shone. For a moment Much-Afraid did not look afraid at all. The twisted mouth had relaxed into a happy curve, and the shining eyes and pink cheeks made her almost beautiful.

'Thank you, thank you,' she cried, and knelt at the Shepherd's feet. 'How good you are. How patient you are, There is no one in the whole world as good and kind as you. I will go with you to the mountains. I will trust you to make my feet like hinds' feet, and to set me, even me, upon the High Places.'

'I am more glad even than you,' said the Shepherd, 'and now you really act as though you are going to change your name already. But there is one thing more I must tell you. I shall take you to the foot of the mountains myself, so that there will be no danger from your enemies. After that, two special companions [it turns out that they are called Sorrow and Suffering] I have chosen will guide and help you on all the steep and difficult places while your feet are still lame and while you can only limp and go slowly.

'You will not see me all the time, Much-Afraid, for as I told you, I shall be leaping on the mountains and skipping on the hills, and you will not at first be able to accompany me or keep up with me. That will come later. However, you must remember that as soon as you reach the slopes of the mountains there is a wonderful system of communication from end to end of the Kingdom of Love, and I shall be able to hear you whenever you speak to me. Whenever you call for help I promise to come to you at once.'"

--Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard

The No Seat Belt Song [or part of it]

So, it's sad this doesn't suit you now.
And me fresh out of rope...
Please ignore the lisp, I never meant to sound like this.
So take me and break me and make me strong like you.
I'll be forever grateful to this and you.

It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose it's only you.

Fix me to a chain around your neck and wear me like a nickel.
Even new wine served in old skins cheapens the taste.
I shot the pilot, now I'm begging you to fly this for me.
I'm here for you to use, broken and bruised.
Do you understand?

It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose, it's only you.
But how could I miscalculate...
perfect eyes will have perfect aim.
If I can choose, it's only you.

This comfort zone that I found you once in no longer enough for our relationship to be true and deep as it should be. The ache this creates kills me, but I have nothing left to propel me forward. I'm sorry that I'm so down like this, so pitiful, so broken, but can you build me up again? Can you make me strong like you? You are everything, you are everything, and I will rejoice in you, only you. The control I once thought I had is lost, and I need your guidance. I'm begging you to breathe your life into me, so that I may have a purpose. You are my purpose, my reason, and I am lost without your perfect love. You see me in my struggles, and you know why I must suffer. Please show me how I must choose, show me the steps I need to take, the hills I need to climb. It's only you, it's only you.

Our Storm

I'll talk to you here, although you'll never see this. I'll tell you things here that I cannot and will not tell you otherwise.

We've been through a lot, but I've been on my own lately. I guess that's part of growing up, but you know how you have the urge to call G all of the time and talk to her? I don't think that I'll ever have that with you. I know that I'll probably end up missing you eventually, but things are just so dark with us right now. We get close enough for me to want more, but then you withdraw completely. It makes me feel so stupid... like you don't want me. But at the same time, you want me to believe everything that you believe. When I begin to have my own views and my own ideas, you reject them completely. How can I ever grow if you condemn my growth? How can I ever leave this desert if you are keeping locked in? Sure it was a beach once, and it was fun, but the water has dried up and it's nothing more than sand and hot air. Can't you see it? I really don't get how you don't see it. I don't get how you sit in the front row every Sunday and pray for strangers when you don't even acknowledge your own family. You want me to be successful because you get a kick out of it. That's it, that's all, that's the only thing that I can do for you. I'm not allowed to be flawed. Whenever I ask you about things, you scream that you can't be around my failure, my doubts. You don't want to be exposed to it. But you had me. You had me. You can't just have me and tell me that you love me everyday and then leave me to deal with this all by myself. You don't even know the extent of it anymore. I can't tell you because you won't get it. You won't take it. You'll just explode and kill me or something. I don't even know. You'll tell him. He'll blame me for more things. He'll cry about how much I hate him and blah blah blah. That fight yesterday was so bad and it was all my fault. I am destroying the unity that God intended for you to have with him, but... I don't know. I'm sorry. He just hates me. He always has. Remember that time he slapped me? It was because he knew I was right and he was mad. He's always liked the others more. He's always had more problems with me. It's hard sometimes. I sat in the back and looked at the four of you today and you all looked so perfect, so unified. Whenever I'm there, I just mess things up. As soon I met up with you, there was an argument. I told you that people didn't see me and you screamed that they did, but how could you know when you don't even see me? Maybe I do try to make myself invisible, but shouldn't you at least try? I know I build up walls, but can you climb for me? I can build them, but I can't break them. I don't even really want to build them anymore, but I've got this huge burning secret inside and I can't control it and it's pulling me to build more and more and more. And the bricks are heavy and they're pushing me further and further and further down. You say that I've looked "sulky" lately, but it's more than that. I can't breathe anymore! I just want to die sometimes because it would make things so much easier for you and everyone else. You wouldn't have to deal with my "demands" or my "episodes." Your throat wouldn't ever hurt anymore because you wouldn't have anyone to scream at. There wouldn't be any fights because I start all of the fights. And you could spend more time on the others. You could give them more of what they need. You would have more resources. I prayed so hard yesterday, that God would just knock me out somewhere before you came and found me where I was hiding. I'm tired of dealing with this and knowing that everything is my fault. Everything is my fault...

Please try to understand: on days like this, I can't breathe. Please, don't love me and leave me instantly. You said that I've looked sad lately. Well, I have. So why provoke it? Why judge me and prod and poke at me like I'm a dirty animal in a petting zoo? You had me, and sometimes I wonder why. I bet you wonder why every single day. It's hard living up to be what you never were. It would be so easy to just give up and let myself get so sick that you'd have to send me away. Going away seems so nice and easy....

I Can Give You No Love, Only Dead-lift of Pain

I was ready to give it all,
but you caught me in mid-fall,
bringing me back to complacency,
or lower, I mean.
I mistook that look as a cry for help.
"Someone save me from myself!"
Well...
you broke my heart and I killed yours.
You torment me, pouring salt on my sores,
yet I am still the double-edged razor.
Would you crawl through broken glass to me?

Rain

Hi.

It feels weird talking to you because we don't really talk that often anymore, and I never know what to say, but hi. I missed you. I still miss you, sort of. I mean, you're always with me and everything, even if I never acknowledge you or think about you, you're there all the time, and even though I'm talking to you RIGHT NOW, it's like, wow, where are you? It makes no sense at all. I feel like I'm in this big glass box, like I could talk and talk and talk forever, and you wouldn't talk back or hear me or see me. I know that you're kind, I know that you love me, but can you see me? Can you feel me? Can you touch me? Please? I'm dying in here, all by myself, running around in big manic circles in this big stupid box that I made out of lies and secret sins. Part of me wants to say, "How dare you for leaving me this way!" but I know that it is all my doing. I have all of those stupid black marks on my heart, and I secretly think that they're gorgeous. The thought of getting rid of them and having the clean, pure beautiful heart that you intended for me to have is scary and I can't even imagine living without my gorgeous marks of evil that have been my best friends for so long.

Wow. I just need you to hold me. I know that I've been lazy and bad and stupid, but can we just put stuff on pause for a second? I forgot what it feels like to be held by you. I see certain people and go certain places and I get this longing. It has become so foreign and lost that I can't even put a name or label on it, but when I go home and put my walls away, I know it's you. All of the things that I fill myself with are nothing without you. All of my extensive plans and fits of careful organization are sickening without the meaning that you once instilled in my life.

Whatever happened to that meaning, man? What is it? Where did I put it? How did I go wrong? I wanted something tangible, so I dove headfirst back into the world and then the tangible vessel which I desired moved back a couple of steps, and I was right back in the ground where I started. I remember being in my room, on my couch, with my face pressed against the cushions, crying and crying with a pair of scissors in my hand. That was me needing you. You knew, you know. Today, I'm crying in the bathroom, and you know. I need you. I don't just want you, I don't just crave you. I NEED YOU more than anything, more than life itself.

I'm so sick now, with my thoughts racing back and forth. I think about my mom, I think about my next meal, I think about my guilt, I think about that next meal going to waste, I think about my friends, I think about the monster that is growing inside of my head and my heart, speaking lies to me constantly, "You need this, you need me. This is amazing, this is better than anything that you have ever known..." "No, never! I never needed you, I never needed this. I need my best friend back, I need his presence to cover me and make me into something meaningful. I need his grace like rain."

Oh, how true it is. I am lost, I am in agony. I am mourning the death of myself.

Please come back and save me. Please show me what I need to do. Please make me willing, make me ready to move forward. I want so many things. I want to be free from this, I want to be well again, I want to live. But let your will be done. Whatever it is, man. Let your will be done.

Life, Don't Be Still

Something is missing.

I have no idea who I am.

And I'm wicked thirsty.
I'm dying without the Water that I need to survive.

Why don't I run to Him?
Why am I stuck in this silly circle that I criticize so often?

These fits of panic and rage grow old quickly.

I'm tired of being the terrible ice queen that I have become: unable to cry, unable to feel.
I'm tired of being sick.

My heart yearns for what I will not seek.

Oh, rescue me. I forgot how to find You. I love you, I love you. I swear, I swear.


Some things that I need to say to certain people before I go insane:

1. I am so thankful for you right now, even though I will never be sure of where we stand. I want you to be my best friend, but there is this incredible doubt that hovers over the security of our friendship. I want to grow closer to you and never stop growing closer to you. I seriously love you, and love is a hard word for me to say, especially towards someone that I have known for such a short period of time in the way that I have known you.

2. I want to be able to talk to you without feeling like I have to impress you. But every time we talk, I get so anxious, trying to make you like me that I don't act like myself. I feel like you like everyone in our "group" except for me and are constantly trying to replace me and leave me out. And I like you, I really do. I just don't know about anything anymore. I feel bad having these feelings towards you, but I'm weird... sorry. That's no excuse really. I just want to feel like I matter when I'm around you.

3. You are fading in my eyes. And I have faded in yours. Things aren't like they used to be, and I hate it. Actually, things have never been the way I imagined that a relationship with the title that we give ours should be. We need to be honest with each other and tell each other things and not let the other find out eventually through 34329840 other people. There should be no "awkward" with us. We've been through so much and should be able to talk about so much, but we can't. I tell you things and you don't understand. You tell me nothing. You get how I work, mostly, and I'm so thankful for that. You put up with my crap because you know how I'm wired. You defend me. And I do the same for you. I just.. don't ever want to lose this, you know? Have we lost it yet?

4. You are a character. I see so much of myself in you that it hurts to watch sometimes. I used to have a spirit as alive and new as yours is, but I ruined it by letting life hit me too hard in some of the ways that life is hitting you right now. Please be careful. Don't ever let your fire fade.

5. I don't know you at all. I don't see how anyone can. You make yourself seem so simple, but you really aren't at all. You lie about things to make life easier for everyone else, but you forget to take care of yourself. It's scary to think about it sometimes. Are your decisions really what you make people think they are? Are you truly committing to something or are you slanting the truth to make people happy? I can't get you. Talking to you is always interesting, though.

6. I am blessed to know someone like you. I don't come anywhere near to deserving a friend like you. Words can't even describe how thankful I am for you. You have stayed with me through all of my low points, even when I treated you like crap. Woaaaah, I love you. I wish I could do more for you because I owe you times 29348204820.

7. I take you for granted too often. I mess with your head because I think I can. I don't treat you well enough because I know you'll take it. I don't deserve you and it tears me up inside when I think about it. I don't understand why we are in the relationship that we are in because you could be devoting the time and energy that you devote to me to someone who would treat you so much better. You're amazing, gifted, adorable, and so many other things. I wish you would stop comparing yourself to other people because you're pretty much perfect to me. I am so thankful for you, but not thankful enough. I wish that I could pour into you the way that you have poured into me.

8. We've been nice to each other off/on. You're in my life a lot sometimes, but you always seem to duck out of it without much warning. I want to be "real friends." We've been through a lot of similar things, and I want to talk about them. I prayed with you once and I still pray that all of those things will happen. I want to grow closer to you. You're incredibly cool.

9. We need to talk. I felt so chill with you before, but you're starting to seem so fake to me. Dude, come back and be real. This wishy-washy friendship that we have sucks.

10. I miss your amazing friendship. You are so life-giving and positive. You always seem to be growing and learning new things. And you're never slow to share the things that God has shown you. I love it, and I need more people like you in my life. We just always get really close and then fall apart. It's dumb :/