A Walk Through Hell

I don't understand things right now. I don't understand myself, my heart and my needs. I don't understand God, His love and His will. Oh, how I want to know everything. Oh, how I want to be cured. But I am letting myself fall to it. Today, I let myself fall. I was running with no direction, no purpose. My chest burned and I dreamed about passing out. It was a terrible dream and no one came to save me. Earlier, I sat in the coffee shop with a book in my lap. Pretty soon, his head came close to taking it's place. He wanted it. I know this. He wanted it to be like it used to be. And I wanted to show him that I had changed. I wanted to show him that there were no grounds for hating me. And he agreed. He agreed and he expressed guilt, but I could not attack him. I could not. And I could not forget about him either. Spare me just three last words: "forget about me" is all I heard. Never. There is no longing, but a love that will never leave. I don't wish for death upon someone once so close to me. Please, join the Family. I just want him to join the Family. No romance, nothing. Family. And now we're talking about something else. Purging details to someone who does not care for them is synonymous to purging excess into a deep hole with no voice. Why do both? Why waste time? My head hurts, and I want to be saved. But he can't save me. It won't save me. No one can ever understand enough. I want to cry in my mother's arms, but I can't bear to be so vulnerable. I can't bear to reveal so much, so much of myself that I have kept hidden from so long. Not only from others, but from myself. I can see pictures, but they have no meaning as they are sheer figments of the imagination, sweet nothings that I may cry for. My head hurts, my heart hurts.

And this song is amazing:

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if I was blessed, I'd walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving, sunken chest.

'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams,
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you, and they gut you, and you give in.

And if I was brave, I'd climb up to you on the mountain,
They led you to drink from their fountain spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission to your eyes.
And I'd stand there, like a soldier, with my foot upon his chest,
With my grin spread, and my arms out, in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me; I'd remind you who you are under their shell.

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

And if they send a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me.
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born.

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes,
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

Through hell for you
Through hell for you
Without you, without you...
Through hell for you.
Without you...
Through hell for you

Now I've walked through hell for you.
What's an adventurer to do,
But rest these feet at home with you?

(I see me hiding in it. I am lost, I am kidnapped, I need to be sought after.)