And I just want to hold
onto my hipbones
And let the world fade.
Touch me once, touch me twice
and I am remade.
But you shouldn't be the one who makes me.
Why do I let everything shake me?

When I grow tired, my mouth runs wild, revealing what you should not know. You should not know how I feel, you should not know how I feel.

Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

Well, haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh
This weight it must be satisfied
You offer only one reply
You know not what you do
But you tear and tear your hair from roots
Of that same head you have twice removed now
A lock of hair you said would prove
Our love would never die
Well ha ha ha

It's blind thinking, really--blind, deceptive thinking. I lie, I lie. I make it seem like I can't control it, when control is all it is. It's like a paradox--in controlling my body, it controls me. But does it control me? Can I stop? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I asked for a sign, and He gave me one. I tested Him. I tested the God Almighty, and He let me. He gave, He gave. And I kept walking away. "I can't now. It's too much!" Whatever, whatever. I need Word. I need Truth to fill the holes that my lies have created, the holes made by acid which has slowly dissolved the original substance. Mia, Mia, Mia--you devil. We can't dance like this anymore. It is your sole purpose to provide voracious hunger to make up for what we've lost together. You know that it will only draw me nearer and farther away from Truth, from an end to the eternal Hunger. Please leave me alone...

RAOUL:
Free her!
Do what you like only free her!
Have you no pity?

PHANTOM:
Your lover makes a passionate plea!

CHRISTINE:
Please Raoul, it's useless!

RAOUL:
I love her!
Does that mean nothing?
I love her!
Show some compassion ...

PHANTOM:
The world showed no compassion to me!

That scene has been running through my head over and over. I can change the meaning into so many different things and apply it to my life in so many different ways. I get into my car and switch to track 13, just so I can hear it and cry tears of mystery.

You Are the Roots That Sleep Beneath My Feet

Mr Darcy: You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

I want a Mr. Darcy. I want to see and know and love my Mr. Darcy. My heart aches for it. But a good ache. A good, excited ache.

"And I do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes, But if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too.
So Brown Eyes I'll hold you near, 'cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere." --Death Cab for Cutie

Plan for tomorrow.

Wake up.
Hang out with my best Friend.
School.
Awards ceremony sometime.
Tutor Maurice in 2nd block.
No idea what we're doing in 3rd block.
Work out 30 min after school, home at 4.
Test corrections, work on vocab list, make dinner.
Leave for work at 4:45.
Work 5-8.
Don't get pissed at Sydney.
Home at 8:30ish. More vocab.
Grey's Anatomy finale!!!!

I ate a lot today. Mmhm. It's hard for me to do that and be OK. That's sad, isn't it? God, help me.

I need to start planning again.

Tomorrow:

School.
1B- PAY ATTENTION
2B- Pictures at 9
3B- Work on project. Read, read, read. And watch Pride and Prejudice because it is good.
4B- Omg, I will die tomorrow. There will be food, and I will die. I will go to the bathroom and die in there.
Gym- Run for 30 minutes. Get home at 4.
HUSH Corrections- like 3 of them.. and I'll do the rest the next day.
Make "dinner"
Leave for work at 5.
Work 5:15-8:30. Don't screw up Joe's opinion of you. And serve. Let it be a lesson. SERVE.

I need structure so badly. Stuff looks beautiful on paper, but then it turns to ash. I want to feel love and crave purity. Because right now, all I want is the world.

She held the world upon a string
But she didn't ever hold me
Spun the stars on her fingernails
But it never made her happy
Cause she couldn't ever have me
She said she won the world at a carnival
But she could never win me
Cause she couldn't ever catch me

I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, just see the sky

I don’t love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throw an old line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream

The sun was always in her eyes
She didn't even see me
But that girl had so much love
she'd wanna kiss you all the time
Yeah, she'd wanna kiss you all the time

She said she won the world at a carnival
But I'm sure it didn’t ruin her
Just made her more interesting
I'm sure it didn’t ruin her
Just made her more interesting

I, I know why
Because when I look in her eyes
I just see the sky
When I look in her eyes
Well I, I just see the sky

I don’t love you I'm just passing the time
You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throw an old line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream

My head hurts.

And things feel a little bit out of control. Things feels beyond me. People talk about me. People that I don't even know talk about me. But they never talk to me. Never. My body feels beyond me. It stretches out and spins and shakes. I can see worry in people's eyes as they see the mania in mine.

I want to slow down.

Daughters

It's a weird feeling: scrubbing dishes so hard that you feel like you're out of control, wiping down cabinets and putting away groceries like your life depended on it. I spent three hours, three hours making everything perfect, three hours correcting every little flaw, and she is blind. She is blind. I don't do it to avoid trouble, I do it to be seen. Can't you see me? Can't you see me? I'm not sick on the couch anymore. I'm not in your hair anymore. Look. Just look. Or not. Let me sing and shake in the shower, holding on to my hip bones, desiring my physical body to correlate with my disappearance in your heart. I was so much that I smothered you. You became numb to me, dead to me. I offered so much poison that your body finally rejected it, and now you are immune. It's freeing, isn't it?

Do It for the Living and Do It for the Dead, Do It for the Monsters Under Your Bed

"Recent research suggests that an extremely strong desire for academic achievement may be as significant as sexual maturation, if not more so, in the development of eating disorders in young women. There is a combination of issues at work here: a family that has high expectations of achievement (as distinguished from genuine encouragement and prompting of a child to develop her intellectual skills); a child who is prone to excessive self-imposed pressure; and a child who exhibits unusual levels of academic ability and intelligence. The combination often results in mental paralysis. The child may defect from expectations--her own above all else--and take refuge in an entirely antirational set of behaviors that have, in fact, a highly organized structure. . ." --Wasted by Marya Hornbacher

I love reading. And not thinking about responsibility.

I also love the feeling of doing something practical and responsible.

116.8-- what a number!

Now I feel sick.

A Walk Through Hell

I don't understand things right now. I don't understand myself, my heart and my needs. I don't understand God, His love and His will. Oh, how I want to know everything. Oh, how I want to be cured. But I am letting myself fall to it. Today, I let myself fall. I was running with no direction, no purpose. My chest burned and I dreamed about passing out. It was a terrible dream and no one came to save me. Earlier, I sat in the coffee shop with a book in my lap. Pretty soon, his head came close to taking it's place. He wanted it. I know this. He wanted it to be like it used to be. And I wanted to show him that I had changed. I wanted to show him that there were no grounds for hating me. And he agreed. He agreed and he expressed guilt, but I could not attack him. I could not. And I could not forget about him either. Spare me just three last words: "forget about me" is all I heard. Never. There is no longing, but a love that will never leave. I don't wish for death upon someone once so close to me. Please, join the Family. I just want him to join the Family. No romance, nothing. Family. And now we're talking about something else. Purging details to someone who does not care for them is synonymous to purging excess into a deep hole with no voice. Why do both? Why waste time? My head hurts, and I want to be saved. But he can't save me. It won't save me. No one can ever understand enough. I want to cry in my mother's arms, but I can't bear to be so vulnerable. I can't bear to reveal so much, so much of myself that I have kept hidden from so long. Not only from others, but from myself. I can see pictures, but they have no meaning as they are sheer figments of the imagination, sweet nothings that I may cry for. My head hurts, my heart hurts.

And this song is amazing:

And if I could swim, I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating in the dark.
And if I was blessed, I'd walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving, sunken chest.

'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams,
With your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you, and they gut you, and you give in.

And if I was brave, I'd climb up to you on the mountain,
They led you to drink from their fountain spouting lies.
And I'd slay the horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission to your eyes.
And I'd stand there, like a soldier, with my foot upon his chest,
With my grin spread, and my arms out, in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And you'd hold me; I'd remind you who you are under their shell.

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

And if they send a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me.
And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born.

I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes,
These soles are useless without you
Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;
My soul is useless without you...

Through hell for you
Through hell for you
Without you, without you...
Through hell for you.
Without you...
Through hell for you

Now I've walked through hell for you.
What's an adventurer to do,
But rest these feet at home with you?

(I see me hiding in it. I am lost, I am kidnapped, I need to be sought after.)

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?



I feel i must interject here...
You're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
So please back away and let me go



I can't my darling I love you so...
But oh, oh...

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?



Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures



I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again


You've got a lure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye.



I love this song. I could never get tired of it.


I should be doing a project. But oh well.





School is almost over! 26 more school days, only 26.
That is... May 5-9, 12-16, 19-23, 27-30. June 2-6, 9-10.
Memorial Day is the 26th, only a few weeks away. I will cherish that 3-day weekend.
The AP Language exam is next Wednesday.
I don't know when the regular exams start, but biology review starts shortly...
I'm so ready for school to be over. I need this summer like air in my lungs. I need it to breathe. I need it to keep me going. I want to make a list. I want to set goals. There are so many things that I want to do this summer, so many.

And there are so many things that I want to do now.
There are things that I may never do, but my heart still burns with passion for each one of them.

Today

If I could take these words
And fill them up with air
I'd fly you to the stars
So we can disappear
If I could take your heart
And keep it close to me
I swear it will not break
I swear it will not bleed
And I
Believe
Just anything you say
If you would tell me to get lost
I'd ask "how far away?"
And now its getting late
And i can't keep my eyes open
My heart's open for you



Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear?
Elizabeth Bennet: Very well... although I wish you would not call me "my dear."
Mr. Darcy: [chuckles] Why?
Elizabeth Bennet: Because it's what my father always calls my mother when he's cross about something.
Mr. Darcy: What endearments am I allowed?
Elizabeth Bennet: Well let me think...”Lizzie" for every day, "My Pearl" for Sundays, and...”Goddess Divine"... but only on *very* special occasions.
Mr. Darcy: And... what should I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy...?
Elizabeth Bennet: No! No. You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy"... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: [he snickers] Then how are you this evening... Mrs. Darcy?
[kisses her on the forehead]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy...
[kisses her on the right cheek]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy...
[kisses her on the nose]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy...
[kisses her on the left cheek]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy...
[finally kisses her on the mouth]

Take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night. But what happens when the stars refuse to shine? What happens when they learn to exhibit his true, obdurate qualities and refuse to grant the desired gifts as he refused to grant them to me? Pain. Deep, searing pain, and a foolish hope that the loves of the sky will be restored. But any entity originating from my quondam lover is of a treacherous nature. Any entity originating from my quondam lover will never be restored. Never, never, never, never, never, not now. Not now. Not anytime soon. But maybe, just maybe, the stars will shine again. But perhaps night's backdrop will evolve into an alternative layout. Perhaps the initial supplier will be overtaken by an authentic maker, a supreme inventor who knows nothing of infidelity. And perhaps this creator will have me. I hope he has me.

edit//
I don't feel right. I'm sitting here, looking at blogs for no reason, listening to unrealistic love songs for no reason, being extremely lazy for no reason, avoiding homework for no reason, checking facebook for no reason, and I could be sleeping. I could be sleeping. Why do I do this to myself? It's sort of sad.

God has a plan for me. He does. I know this now. I need to beat these negative voices that are talking to me, already tempting me. They're telling me how "fat" I am, how I "need" a boyfriend, how no one will like me any other way, how I will find no purpose any other way, but they are wrong. They're wrong, they're wrong, they're wrong. I didn't eat too much today. I'm not gaining weight. Ugggh, leave me alone.