Life

"Goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
Well take apart your head
Take apart the counting, and the flock it has bred

Goodbye to love,
Well it's a ride that'll push you up
Right against the wall
(Right against the wall)
Chew it up and swallow it

You're brought back but you're running
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right..."
---Brand New

I have words, too.
To people. To things that are like people to me.
This was Kristina's idea.. gracias.

uno.
You hurt me continually. And I hurt you. It breaks my heart that I have to let you go. And it breaks my heart that you laugh and get angry about it. This is so hard. We did love each other, we did connect-- ugh. That's why it hurts, I guess. I don't even think you care anymore, though. That's the thing... you like having some loser on the side who will always love you. You lie. You lie. But do you lie? I'm so confused and broken-hearted and messed up over you. And I have to let you go. I have to let you go...

dos.
I don't know what happened with you. It was rocky from the start. I think that we are very similar in some areas and because of that, we got in each other's ways a little bit. That made us generally dislike one another and it just grew from that. I feel like we're trying to mend this, but something is blocking it. We need to go back to the root of the problem.

tres.
I love you, and I'm so thankful to have you as my friend. You are loyal when no one else is. You stick up for me. You are so high above me in my opinion, but you still continue to be my friend. I need to learn to give back to you. I am so mean sometimes, but your amazing amount of compassion deserves only the best.

cuatro.
I want to know you more. It is one of my biggest desires right now. You are a fascinating, life-giving person. I can see a potential friendship, but something is keeping the actual friendship away.

cinco.
You are taking me over again. And I want it. It's so bad, but I want it more than anything. I want to become pure with you, I want to disappear with you. I want to sacrifice my pleasures for the sweet pain you inflict..

seis.
I don't know if we can be friends. You have always been cool, but far away. My attempts to get closer result in a blow-up. We don't get each other. I wish that he did and maybe we could, but as of now, we do not understand each other.

siete.
You are fun, and I like it. I want to get closer to you because you're a really great person who I think I have a lot in common with. We get along very well, and it's awesome.

ocho.
I love you forever, even though we fight like cats and dogs over some things. We grew up together. We know each other, and I am so happy that you are still a part of my life. I just wish that you were here, rather than there.

nueve.
I feel like you're gone. There are brief moments when you're here, but mostly you're gone. I miss you, friend. We had so much fun together. We fought a lot, but we laughed even more. Come back :[

diez.
I don't like you very much right now. You continue to humiliate me every time I am in your presence. Why can't we be chill?

once.
You are so complex and beautifully interesting, but simultaneously exasperating. I want to know you better, deeper. I want inside the beautiful mind you possess. I want to learn what makes you tick, what makes you sing. And you, me.

Cursed by my imagination,
teaming with echoes of situations.
I do not feel well, pressed beneath this spell.
Polishing my social skills,
with one more drink, and two more pills.
I do not feel good, I thought by now I would.

But then again.
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
that leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade
Until the day you finally wake up,
and you're not afraid.

Bound by my own disposition,
the endless hunt to find fruition.
I'm insatiable, even if my cup is full.
My sore throats, are now routine.
I've got to write those songs, make 'em scream.
They're insatiable, even if their ears are full.

But then again.
It's like one thousand paper cuts,
soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
that leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade
Until the day you finally wake up,
and you're not
afraid.

It's like one thousand paper cuts,
soaked in vinegar.
Like the battles with yourself,
that leave you insecure.
It's all just a numbing charade
Until the day you finally wake up,
and you're not afraid.



My head hurts. And my stomach feels sick.
Everything is so dirty. So dirty.

You Wouldn't Like Me

God, this weight. It's killing me. It's crushing me. I don't even know what it is, but I feel taken over. I feel like someone is grabbing me from behind and suffocating me, pulling me in further and further.

You told me that you loved me.
You didn't wait to see me.
What is love?
What is love to you?

I broke down. Jared and Mike were there for me. Where were you? Where were you?

I sucked it up after that. I'm ok. O-K. 1 2 3 breathe. Hold your breath. Forget about crying. You have no reason. No reason.


There's a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak and write
A new broken song?
Do I push it down?
Or let it run me right into the ground?

Oh I, I feel like
I wouldn't like me if I met me

Well I can't stop talking for fear
Of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven't called me in weeks and
Honestly, it's bringing me down

Oh, I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me

And don't you worry, there's still time
Don’t you worry, there’s still time

There’s nothing to live for
When I'm sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside in
Hopes that the glare will bring you around

I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me

So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time
So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time
So you don’t you worry there’s still time
Don’t you worry there’s still time

Sunshine is days away
I won't be saved, I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever
Sunshine is days away
I won't be saved, I know all the words
I won't say that I'll love you forever

Do You Believe In Something Beautiful?

Mia, Mia, Mia. Leave me alone. We went a month without seeing each other. It was a great month. But then you met me in secret at that party last night. You spoke to me, you seduced me. You changed everything. Don't make me want you again. Don't make me go to you anymore. You're terrible. You are the devil's doll. And I hate you. I hate you so much. You screwed me up so badly before. I can't eat without getting sick anymore. I can't run or breathe without feeling acid burn throughout my whole body. I was just starting to recover from our past relationship. I don't want to start again. No, Mia. We can't do this. Get out. You aren't safe. You aren't healthy. You're not even pretty. You have a hole in your stomach. You're shedding like a cat, and your teeth are decaying inside your rotten mouth. I can see the blood in your eyes. You are so sick. You are so sick. And your disguise won't fool me. I'm not going to let you win. Just leave me alone... I can't take it. I can't take it. All of the pressure in my life. You used to make me feel so much better in those moments. I know the outcome was bad, but for those few simple moments, we were one. We were happy. But we can't be anymore. I can't be sick anymore. I'm screwing up my life for you, Mia. You're all I think about sometimes. My family can't handle this, my friends can't handle this. Tyler can't handle this. And they don't deserve it. None of them deserve it. We can't be, anymore. Can't you get it? Can't you get lost? Oh, I'm so confused. I love you and I hate you. I need you and you destroy me. Oh, God. Oh, God.

A Dense, Crushing Love

b67512 (11:33:22 PM): like....the touch of a pinky....the way you discretely lick your lip and then your teeth show a little with your lips in a pout (sorta)...oh my god...it makes me want to kiss them right thena and there but i hold back a few minutes...to make you seem reprived

b67512 (11:34:04 PM): like...u get anxious
b67512 (11:40:38 PM): you ask why i laugh randomly sometimes....its because im thinking about your body language and i want to react to it but i hold off a little in an attempt to confuse you...that make whatever does happen seem more satisfactory because i wated for it

b67512 (11:43:37 PM): im not sure all of the time...i just sense something in it that make me want to do something...it might not always work but it just senses that thr s a desire to do somthing....and the way you emphasize a body part makes me think it has to do with that part

b67512 (11:45:01 PM): i pick up on the lips a lot more than anything else...i havent really acquired a knack for the rest of you yet

VanilllaCupcaake (11:45:36 PM): you think like an engineer

VanilllaCupcaake (11:45:40 PM): its funny almost

b67512 (11:45:59 PM): haha....what does an engineer think like

b67512 (11:46:04 PM): ?

VanilllaCupcaake (11:46:12 PM): can't explain it

VanilllaCupcaake (11:46:31 PM): but i don't know very many people who think like you do

VanilllaCupcaake (11:46:40 PM): its like

VanilllaCupcaake (11:46:55 PM): you think in parts

VanilllaCupcaake (11:47:03 PM): in different ways and angles

VanilllaCupcaake (11:47:20 PM): i can't make it make sense

b67512 (11:48:22 PM): yeah....you must be very observant too. lol....not many people can even get that far into my head before getting lost, confused, or pissed off

VanilllaCupcaake (11:48:34 PM): i like adventures

VanilllaCupcaake (11:48:45 PM): and you

b67512 (11:49:45 PM): i like them and you....your one of the only people in this world tht can truly make me happy when im with them

Oh, novio, you are so perfect to me right now.


It's not safe.
I want all of you.
I want to breathe you.


"He wanted to sleep inside her lungs and breathe her blood and be smothered" - Tim O'Brien


"While you were sleeping, I figured out everything. I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name coursing through my veins. You shine so bright it's insane. You put the sun to shame." -The Spill Canvas

I have to leave for youth in 15 minutes. It's sad that it seems more like a hassle to me than a blessing.

I haven't felt anything lately. There was a mini-period in time where I did, but now I am stone. Impermeable stone. Nothing gets through, nothing.

I feel unhealthy.
I need to run, I need to eat less, I need to sleep more.
I feel unintelligent.
I need to study, I need to prioritize, I need to sleep more.
I feel unorganized.
I need to put things away, I need to pick things up, I need to clean.


Prom is in 11 days. That's 1 week and 4 days.
The events of the day will be joyous!
Getting out of school early, getting my hair and make-up done at 1, freaking out between whenever my hair gets done and 5, going to Haley's house at 5, taking pictures with my adorable Tyler in his adorable tux and with my beautiful friends that I am SO THANKFUL for, riding in the limo sososo close to Tyler, eating at Firebirds, dancing and making memories, breakfast at Haley's, and then it will be my birthday!

I think that I'm sort of in a better mood now.

Hands Down

VanilllaCupcaake (6:32:19 PM):	i think that i like you more than you like me
VanilllaCupcaake (6:32:29 PM):	the end.
b67512 (6:32:41 PM):	i don't think thats possible
b67512 (6:33:18 PM):	i may see cold and emotionless on the outsde....but inside i have a heart the size of the moon
VanilllaCupcaake (6:33:28 PM):	not the sun?
b67512 (6:33:47 PM):	fine.......the omniverse
And he kissed me like he meant it... <3

The Spill Canvas

In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty, I long to be in the warm hold of your love and
mind.

To feel you all around and to take your hand along the sand, I may as well try and catch the wind.

When sun down pales the sky, I wanna hide away behind your smile.
Everywhere I look, your eyes I'd find.

For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing.
Would make me sing.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.

When rain has hung the leaves with tears, I want you here to count my fears.
To help me leave all my blues behind.

For standing in your heart, it's where I wanna be, and I'll long to be.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.
[Catch the Wind]




You're captivating while evading
All the questions I have for you like,
"What exactly makes you tick?"
When the guilt sets in tell me
What are we going to do?

Your tongue is wet with a top secret passion
I hope I am the cause of it
I'll navigate this unsturdy vessel
Filled with a soft sea of pillows and blankets

And I fight the urge to explore
The vastness of your curves I adore
You know I, I hate you
No, I hate you more
You know I, I love you
No, I love you more

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

I've sunken in the quicksands of love
And I don't want you to rescue me
Screw what my supposed friends think
It's obvious they reek of jealousy
It's obvious they reek of jealousy

And I fight the urge to explore
The vastness of your curves I adore
You know I, I hate you
No, I hate you more
You know I, I love you
No, I love you more

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you

I hope to God I mean a little more then the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
And oh-how I wish I meant a little more then a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips

Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
Especially when it comes to you
[Himerus and Eros]


How did I fall so quickly? I was so opposed, but now he has me. He has me. And I'm insecure. I'm not the me that I was. Doubt kills me. Doubt kills me. I've never felt threatened before with him. The feelings weren't there and now they are. So much. So fast. So deep. I could explode. I could die. I feel crazy. I just want to be me. I want me to fall for him. And I want to be sure that he'll catch me. I can make time now. I can sacrifice now. I care so much more than I did. I'm happy.

AH!

Beatles songs and Spill Canvas songs are swimming through my brain.
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah...


You're so bright it's insane
You put the sun to shame.



I hope Obama gets out tonight. He scares me. Clinton is slightly less scary.

Lullaby

It's the way that you blush when you're nervous
It's your ability to make me earn this.
I know that you're tired,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

It's about how you laugh out of pity
'Cause let's be honest, I'm not really that funny
I know that you're shy,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.

It's those pills that you don't need to take,
Medicating perfection, now that's a mistake.
I know that you're spent,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

It's your finger, and how I'm wrapped around it
It's your grace, and how it keeps me grounded
I know that you're weak,
Just let me sing you to sleep.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.

While you were sleeping,
I figured out everything:
I was constructed for you,
And you were molded for me.

Now I feel your name.
Coursin' through my veins.
You shine so bright, it's insane.
You put the sun to shame.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything. (I really do)
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.

If you need anything,
Just say the word, I mean anything.
Rest assured, if you start to doze
Then I'll tuck you in,
Plant my lips where your necklace is closed.
-The Spill Canvas

I'm in love with those lyrics.
And with peace.

I am not a prisoner. I am free. I can think about love, music, cutting people open. I want to do something in the medical field. I want to think about cells and bones and chromosomes everyday. Oh, we are a masterpiece.