I had a good day today! It's so rare for me to have good days, lately.



I miss last Christmas a lot, but this Christmas will be OK.

If anyone reads this,
I'm sorry that it's been so depressing lately (and always).


A lot of stuff just keeps getting thrown at me.
I'm trying not to be sick anymore, but sometimes she grips me with razor claws, iron fists. She makes my throat bleed, my head spin. And it's disgusting, I know. But in times of troubles, she's all I have to run to.


I'm sorry that I can't let go of the past. The worst happened, I lost a lover and a friend. And they're not even sorry. They were never sorry. I'm expected to shut up, get in line, play along. It's really not fair. Why is the guilty party always innocent, and why am I always guilty?

I would NEVER do something like that, ever.

I feel horribly dirty right now. I'm so full of everything that I hate, everything that I live to get away from. I need freedom from my desire, freedom from myself.


I will not remain trapped in this body for much longer. Soon it will be gone, soon my skin will be shed. I will be reborn.



Passion is a tricky word,
Rather crude, mostly absurd.
Attributed to devotion to a spirit filled with rage,
Rattling you around like a beast in a cage.

He took my soul,
But most importantly my body.
And as it unfolds,
the wound grows from where he shot me.

My friends, my family, my love bleeds away
I am air, I am mass, I am wasted space.

Writing a tidbit, and then I'm off.


I'm trying to come out of my antisocial tendencies. I know that these blogs are very self concerned, but I apologize--this is like a diary to me. Now that I've changed the URL of my blog, no one really knows about it, so the word diary is very fitting. This is my time to reflect.


I am yet again trying to lose weight--I'm trying to stay positive. I'm giving my body a period of rest and following the nutritionist's advice to eat a "balanced 1800 calories" everyday. I even have little charts that I get to check off to make sure I'm getting the right amounts of everything (protein, grains, etc.). I'm not really counting calories, just going by my chart. Some days I eat a little bit more, some days I eat a little bit less, but it's whatever.

I've also been working out 1-2 hours everyday (give or take a few days). The past couple of days, I've burned about 1000 calories at the gym each time. I'm doing a lot of cardio, which is good for the heart, and I hope that it's making some kind of impact of my metabolism because the hypothyroidism is making is sluggishly slow.


A lot of have stuff has gone on in the past week or so, a lot of drama, a lot of stress. I've been seeing a counselor at school along with a medical doctor, and they think that I'm clinically depressed. I've had two or three panic attacks in the past week (due to stress of exams, stress of coming home, stress over intake/outtake, relationship stress), and I really hope that seeing old friends and relaxing at home will help. I've been sleeping until 11:30 everyday, and it feels really weird. I'm going to hate going back to school and waking up at 8 every morning. I think I'm going to start working out in the mornings and taking my showers at the gym because the showers there are a heck of a lot cleaner than the one's in my dorm. Funny, huh?


Oh, and speaking of school--I got a 3.8 GPA! I didn't make anything lower than a B+, and I hope to do a lot better next semester. I am getting sort of confident about my position in nursing school!..!..! I really need to study my butt off next semester, though because I seriously NEVER studied this semester, haha. Thank God I managed to pull off a 3.8--I made Chancellor's List!



But yeah, see you later blog.

I can't.


Anymore.