I was so dizzy today.
I havn't slept in three days, and everything I eat makes me sick. Last night there were tears on my face, blood on my bed, and pills on my floor. And when I held them in my wet hands, they started to dissolve and pour down like more blood, blood for my floor. But I drank this blood, choked on this blood, spit up this blood. And I'm ashamed. I'm so ashamed. I feel so helpless sometimes. Schoolwork is surrounding me and choking me. I will drown in complex diction and the War of 1812 and mitosis... and running. I wish that I could run forever: never ceasing, never slowing. But I can't. I'm burned out. That's what she says about me behind my back. But I will not hate her anymore. I will love her because she is different, I will love her because I am different. I will let her do her senior project on my emotional irregularities. I will not laugh at her aspirations of completing an Iron Man. Ringgold is nicer to me now, and I like him more. I like how happy he is. I want to be happy, too. He squeezed my hand today, like he was family or something. I like that. He reminds me of my Uncle Scott. Someone asked me to meet them tomorrow in the morning. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I don't know what to expect.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Jumper
Posted by Amanda at 5:06 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
oh amanda. my heart is hurting for your heart. walk through this fire, be refined, not scorched.
♥
feel ♥ ed
because you are
I love you. I am not leaving you. I am not closing my ears or my eyes or my mind. I beg you; confide in me and let me love you.
It's not advice that you need.
You just need love.
Not a casual love, but a love that covers you from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, pulsing through your soul and your veins and making you know how beautiful you are, how sweet your soul is, and how much you can succeed at everything you want to succeed at.
You have the most serious, devoted love from me. From our friends with the sweetest hearts. From your parents, even. Parents don't know. Parents are ridiculous. Parents are old tired people.
Blood? It doesn't make me love you less. Pills? It doesn't make me love you less. Shame? It doesn't make me love you less. Helplessness? It doesn't make me love you less. You're burned out? It doesn't make me love you less. Your emotional irregularities? It doesn't make me love you less.
You don't make me love you less, no matter what you do.
I put my soul on that. I put my soul on yours. Help me Father i will not abandon you. Amanda Lauren Tiner, beautiful girl that I respect for being real.
As messy and ugly as reality can be, I will not shy from yours. I will not be shocked, i will not freak out, i will hurt for you and cry for you and BELIEVE in YOU, in all that you are, not to be "happy" or fixed or whatever, i'll believe in you to be you.
Email me. Call me. At any time. Cry and scream. Hang out with me. I won't pity you or baby you, i won't feel sorry for you. I'll love you, i'll let you rest in my presence and let you know i don't judge you i don't dislike you and i have hope that your life will be joy. Welcome to my heart, make yourself at home here.
I am your friend that sits with you for seven days without saying a word...
Job 2.11-13
Three of Job's friends heard of all the trouble that had fallen on him. Each traveled from his own country—Eliphaz from Teman, Bildad from Shuhah, Zophar from Naamath—and went together to Job to keep him company and comfort him. When they first caught sight of him, they couldn't believe what they saw—they hardly recognized him! They cried out in lament, ripped their robes, and dumped dirt on their heads as a sign of their grief. Then they sat with him on the ground. Seven days and nights they sat there without saying a word. They could see how rotten he felt, how deeply he was suffering.
Post a Comment