Happy Things:

1) Tomorrow is Friday! La Cocina con Tim y tal vez, el fiesta de Shane.
2) MARCH IS HERE! And I get my allowance soon and can pay everyone back!
3) LIFE Groups- church friends- cada semana!
4) March 15th- JUNIOR DAY AT MEREDITH COLLEGE! :D
5) ACT soon.. I love taking tests.. I'm weird.
6) THIS SUPER AWESOME MOVIE COMES OUT TOMORROW! (I just remembered)
7) March 20th= prom, prom, prom (ahhh.. Tyler & an awesome limo & Firebirds & feeling like a princess & grinding & Haley's house & celebrating my birthday at midnight)
8) March 21st--I will be 17. Heck yes. I'm not doing anything at all. Anyone want to come to Virginia with me?
9) March 23rd--EASTER! I love Easter. Amanda Boyle y yo are going to rock the prom dresses at church.. it will be interesting.
10) SPRING BREAK! Ahhhh.. someone come to Virginia with me.
11) I'm going shopping soon.
12) I'm eating healthy. I'm praying more.
13) I believe in God again.
14) I'm recovering. I'm getting better.
15) Tyler is getting better.
16) Tyler's mom in nice.
17) Tyler is cute. So cute. And smart.
18) ASD is over.
19) We're watching HOUSE in Biology tomorrow

Carry That Weight

I'm gone, man. So gone. I'm not even sure what that means, but I feel gone. I don't know who I am or where I am. There's a small spark of hope in me that I can break free from the problems that I've struggled with for four years, but the rest of me is worn, tired, and lonely.

I need. I need. I need. I need so much. I need so much that I'm not looking for, that I'm not asking for, that other people aren't giving me. They aren't aware. They shouldn't have to be. I should be normal, I should be OK, I should be affordable...but I'm not.


Darling, I'm afraid that this has to end.
It's not you, oh, not you
who has prompted this dire circumstance.
I'm crying, crying, darling.
I'm dying, dying, darling.
And you
don't
deserve this.
No, you
don't
deserve this.


I can't write.

say it to my face.
to my freaking face.

asjfkl
sdjfjsdkjfksaljfklajfklsdjaklasffdskfdsjfdkasjfkladdfja

so much anger in my soul.

kfdjaskjkalsjklasdjkdasjkfjakfj

give me back my pink razor.

sdkfdjskfjdskfjksadjfkdasjkfksdjkfasjdkfjdakjadf

you did it for attention, you hussy.

dsfjksdjfkasdjkadsjfkasjfakljfdkajdfaksjfka;sfjl;

and you, you walk circles all around me.

sdkfjdskasdfjsdkfjkasl

I HAVE A FEVER! A FREAKING FEVER!
I'M SO GOSH DARN SORRY THAT I CONTRACTED A VIRUS!
I MEAN, JESUS! I'M SO FREAKING TERRIBLE!

and and and.. you get away.

and you get away too.

you all get away.

i take the blame.
i take the blame.
i hold the shotgun.

salt. salt. open wound. open wound.
i ruin your life. i was born and your life was over.

screw me.
excuse me?

screw me.
kick me in the teeth.
cut me.
cut me instead of yourself.

I need a strategy:

I need a strategy and a reason to keep up the strategy. (You can't say, "You'll die", because I don't believe that I will)
And I need a team. I need people who will be there for me.
Because I give up when I'm alone.

Dancing in the Dark

"THESE are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink..." I am the summer soldier, I am the sunshine patriot. I am shrinking away from everyone and everything that I have never known. I have created a barricade: I am burrowing inside of myself, and in the process of trying to find a single soul to save me from the succession of my spirit, I lie to them. I love them and then forget. I take their money and their time. I steal their hearts without giving mine in return.

His kiss was like a postage stamp. It was quick and short, and it sent me away as if he knew that it would be a long wait before anything came back to him. He was unsure of any of the damage it would receive on the trip back, and he was unsure whether it would get lost or even attempt to come back. The U.S. Postal Service is like that. I'm more of an email girl, myself. I like long kisses with lots of data and attachments that are sent away and replied to in an instant. But he used the U.S. Postal Service, and he walked away in doubt. I can't help that. I created that fear. He couldn't make me a habit if I didn't want him to be a part of my internet database. To tell the truth, I'm still stuck on the last email that I received. I sent the initial and the initial was replied to in a half-hearted way that left me wanting more. He was a favorite on my web browser, but then he disappeared. And I want him back.

I try to draw him with other people. I withdraw fluid from their souls, splattering any similarity on a canvas shaped like him. But the empty spaces kill me. The improper use of communication systems kills me. The tingling disappointment on my lips kills me. The goosebumps left on my arm and on my heart kill me, and I become a corpse, the living dead, existing only to extract life and warmth from the innocent.

You can't start a fire, sitting around crying over a broken heart. This gun is for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark.

Me and Mia

I ate too much everyday this week.

Mmhm.

It's sad. That breaks my heart more than anything.
It scares me more than death.

"Amanda, you could kill yourself doing that! Why? You could really die!"
"I know. It's great, right? I mean, I'd rather die than get fat, so I'll be skinny until this finally takes me."

Today, I was not empty.

Jumper

I was so dizzy today.

I havn't slept in three days, and everything I eat makes me sick. Last night there were tears on my face, blood on my bed, and pills on my floor. And when I held them in my wet hands, they started to dissolve and pour down like more blood, blood for my floor. But I drank this blood, choked on this blood, spit up this blood. And I'm ashamed. I'm so ashamed. I feel so helpless sometimes. Schoolwork is surrounding me and choking me. I will drown in complex diction and the War of 1812 and mitosis... and running. I wish that I could run forever: never ceasing, never slowing. But I can't. I'm burned out. That's what she says about me behind my back. But I will not hate her anymore. I will love her because she is different, I will love her because I am different. I will let her do her senior project on my emotional irregularities. I will not laugh at her aspirations of completing an Iron Man. Ringgold is nicer to me now, and I like him more. I like how happy he is. I want to be happy, too. He squeezed my hand today, like he was family or something. I like that. He reminds me of my Uncle Scott. Someone asked me to meet them tomorrow in the morning. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I don't know what to expect.

The Pros and Cons of Breathing

I wish there was a way to say it all at once.
There are so many different things going on at once.
I can't handle it. I can't take it.

He tells me that he loves me when he's drunk. He kisses my cheek with his vodka-soaked lips and apologizes for everything that had ever happened. But he is drunk. He is always drunk. I get drunken love letters, drunken phone calls, drunken voice messages calling out in desperation. They make me sick, they make me so sick. Seeing him, smelling him, hearing him makes me think about the past. I am disgusted with the past. I am disgusted with my own stupidity. Love, love, what is love? How could I have said love? Leave me alone. Get out of my head.

Today I held someone's hand. I held his hand for a whole five minutes and then I let go. He didn't take my hand again. I almost kissed him, but I wanted him to kiss me. He didn't. He's just a kid. He's a shy little kid, but he's fond of me and I'm fond of him. It'll never go anywhere, but I want to have fun. I want to feel what I felt when he held my hand for a whole five minutes. Kiss me on Valentine's Day. Kiss me any day. I want to pretend like it's my first. I want my hands to shake again.

I stole my little brother's extra tooth brush. Even the softest things hitting the back of your throat will scar you mentally, emotionally, and physically. I want to run it off, dance it off, starve it off, but I am weak. I get rid of it.

There is more. There is more.

I want to fall in love with someone who understands all of my metaphors.
I don't want to be a person. I want to be an essay.
I want my words to flow smoothly and catch eyes suddenly.
I want someone to understand this. Understand it, please.
Fall in love with words, fall in love with me.
Not just words, but the way they pull at your heart, mind, and soul.
I want to challenge and be challenged, to strengthen and be strengthened, to love and be loved.

I want someone to rip out my heart and hold it. Rip it out and steady this crazy beating. I can't dance to this beat. I can't fall in love at this volume. Can you comprehend? Can you comprehend? Can you learn to calculate my values and numbers and complicated feelings? Be real and be fake. Take me some place that doesn't exist. Life is so stagnant, it's stagnant and rotting. I am an old stream, and I'm stuck. Fresh water becomes saturated with amoeba and other protists.

Get me out, get me moving at a good pace. You'll never win if you start off too slowly or too quickly. It's all about consistency, you see.

Do you feel me?

Take Apart Your Head

I suck.

If You Wanna, I Might

You take a seat right next to me
And I take my lit notes nervously
I've gotta stay calm I just want you to stay
I am always daydreaming
Hoping you've dreamt of the same thing
I've gotta stay calm I don't want this to change

I've been assuming everything
Hoping you'll soon mean everything
I've gotta stay calm I want this to be real
I don't think you're into me
But truly that's okay with me
I've gotta stay calm and find out how you feel

So if you wanna say 'I-I-I like you'
I might feel just like you
If you choose-choose not to
I knew you-you would

Sometimes I think I am out of my league
And then sometimes I think I can dream
Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish
That you choose out of all in the sea

We are non existent
But I'll try to be persistent
I've gotta keep on if want to be close to you
I know you're uninterested
I'm probably just some stupid kid
I could give up if you would want me to

So if you wanna say 'I-I-I like you'
I might feel just like you
And If you choose-choose not to
I knew-knew you would

[x2]
Sometimes I think I am out of my league
And then sometimes I think I can dream
Sometimes I wish I could be the one fish
That you choose out of all in the sea
-Hellogoodbye

Hormones are crazy. Please tell me that this isn't just hormones.

You told me that your favorite color was your eye color and it had always been that way because you never wanted to take the time to think of a color to like or reasons to justify your choice.

I'm in love with that answer. I'm in love with it.

"Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me.
But I'm nothing so good
no, I'm nothing...
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence, of love, and of sorrow.
I beg for just one more tomorrow!
Where you'd hold me down, fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins.

I'd break in two over you
I'd break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me. You dont.

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light,
bleached and blinded by these nights.
Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn
by you, visions of you, then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face,
when i hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that i did was for you...

I'd break in two over you
I'd break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you dont see me. You don't.

I'd break in two over you
I'd break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me. You don't.

I'd break in two over you,
I'd break in two over you! Over you
I'd break in two,
I would break in two for you.
Now you see me, now you don't.
Now you need me, now you don't."


"You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long
But we only exist in this song
The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow
And if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in
Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live
I break in two over you
I break in two
And if a piece of you dies
Autumn, I will bring you back to life
Of course I see you
I do."

Futures

I, I always believed in futures
I hope for better in November
Try the same booth, same lucky numbers
It could be a cold night for a lifetime
Hey now, you can't keep singing endlessly
My darling, how long until this sun burns me?
Say hello to good times
Trade up all the fast lines
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
I, I always could count on futures
And things would look up, they'd look up
Why, so hard to find a balance
Between living decent and the cold and real
Hey now, what is it you think you see?
My darling, now's the time to disgaree
Say hello to good times
Trade up all the fast lines
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
Hey now, the past is told by those who live
My darling, what matters is what hasn't been
Hey now, we're wide awake and we're thinking
My darling, believe your votes can mean something
Say hello to good times
Trade up all the fast lines
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets completely
-Jimmy Eat World

Life is really hard sometimes. Like, really.

I live for the weekends. I live to get a break, and then it's gone in what feels like two seconds. I got my hair cut/dyed today, and then I came home and slept for five hours. FIVE HOURS! I slept from 1-6. It's crazy. And the funny thing is--I'm still tired. I probably should be sleeping right now because I have to teach those silly kids tomorrow, but I need to write. I crave expression.

The rest of this week wasn't that bad. All of my mornings are terrible because everything is a mess, and I am always running late. I need to organize myself again. I need to clean my room again, but my energy level is only slightly higher than that of the deceased. Maybe I have mono or something. I doubt it. But school is getting better. I started getting 4's on my HUSH homework instead of 3's (4 is the best you can do)! And I got switched into Weight Lifting. I love it, I breathe it. I miss art sometimes, though. I want to go to Barnes and Noble and get a faces book. I want to learn how to draw faces soso much. AP Language is hard. Thursdays are timed writing days, and Fridays are multiple choice days. I swear I failed both. I got a 93 on my first Biology test.. it's okay.

I'm going to run track again. I'm going to run it with enthusiasm. I want to get better. I want to be strong and fast and tough. I need to stop letting fast twins discourage me. I have to work how I work.

I'm never going to get a job. And this stresses me out because I'll never know how to have a job, and I won't ever get a job.. and sdfjkdsjfakjkals. Why can't I ever get hired? Like, seriously.

The Military Ball is soon, and I'm very excited. I need to buy silver shoes and hair spray that works like spray glue. Corey is going to be a fun date. I just hope that he doesn't get kicked out of ROTC, and I hope that his girlfriend doesn't try to maul me like a ravenous bear when she finds out that he's taking me--not her--to the Military Ball. It's going to be fun dancing with Ashton and Marisa and Corey and whoever else I know that's going to be there. And it's right after Valentine's Day. Maybe it'll help me get rid of the "single's blah" that the stupid Hallmark Holiday creates. I don't know.

Revolution is the weekend after the ball, and I'm even more stoked for that. Passionate worship and learning--it's like one of those 19th century revivals. I can't wait. And I won't have a dumb boyfriend to tell me how "stupid" the concept of Revolution is, thereby ruining it for me, like last year. I am me, and I am free. I am not trapped in the confines of an emotionally abusive relationship. I am free.

Prom comes about a month after Revolution. I already have my dress, my date, and my hair appointment. I just have to get the transportation issue figured out. And I need to buy jewelry. And shoes. And stuff. I am so excited, it's like kdjfakjfkal! I like my date mucho, even though I don't think he feels the same. It's okay, though (not really). He's a good friend.

My birthday is the day after prom. And then spring break. I want to go to Virginia Beach, and I want to take people with me. After my sister's birthday is over, I'm going to beg my mom. I want to see Tim, and I want to have all of my new, amazing friends with me, too.

I have a lot to look forward to in the next couple of months. April & May will probably be dull, but then summer comes in June...

Life will be cool. Life will be okay.